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I am a DIL, and I have a bit of a vent, as well as a need for advice!

Started by tanabelle, February 07, 2013, 10:53:52 am

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This is going to be long, so I apologize in advice. I really, really, really, need to vent.
A little background... My mother in law is not old. She is 49, 50 next week. My husband is 23, and she moved from our hometown, and the house she lived in with him, when he was 17, to move in with her boyfriend about an hour and a half away. Upon moving, everything was put in DH's name, though she left some of her old furniture because quote "She didn't want it, and he needed something to live on".
I met DH a little over a year and a half ago. We dated for over 6 months without anybody in either of our families know we were seeing each other. I stayed at his house FREQUENTLY. Never once did I see her. She might call him once a month to whine, but that was about it. I was excited, because I had finally found somebody that wasn't a mama's boy.
In Decemeber of 2011, I found out I was expecting twins, and we still kept it to ourselves until March of 2012, when we told my family and his. At first, MIL was shocked. She smiled and said, "you're not ready to be a father (Dh was 22)" and "I'm not old enough to be a grandmother". Well okay then.
A week later, she calls me to say she was "out of line", and had been "looking at new houses with more room so she can keep her grandchildren." She also casually mentioned that she was behind on her cell phone bill ($299.00) and could we help her out this one time? I'd only met the woman once, so of course I did. The next time I spoke to her was the day we got engaged (April 25) which she was happy for us. Fast forward again. April 30th, she called and asked again if I would catch her cell bill again this month before the late fees caught up with her and it got turned off again. So I paid ANOTHER $150.00 to keep the peace (like I said, we NEVER saw her, and rarely talked to her). She did however mention in that call "I'm no nurse like you, i know how much money nurses bring in and mine doesn't even come close". Um, okay then. If you worked more than Saturday and Sunday, you might bring in more, but, again, whatever.
We were planning to elope, then go to a huge concert that is 3 hours from us (her town is the midway stop betwen us and the city) for our honey moon. We didn't tell anybody that we were eloping but our best friends. The night before we went to elope, DH got a call from his mother saying she was going to be evicted from her apartment if she didn't have $1,200 by the next day. (May 25). So of course he said he would help her out, after giving her a long lecture on why she was almost 3 months behind on her rent.
On the way to her house, she actually had the nerve to send me a text msg saying "Can you make it an even $2,000, so I can have "extra" in my bank account". I put my foot down, and told both her and my BRAND NEW husband NO.
When we arrived, she asked, as she always did, if I was wearing maternity pants (She was strangely obsessed with this. she mentioned EVERY time i talked to her that I should be wearing maternity pants so I wouldn't suffocate "her grandbabies".) I told her yes, I was, so she proceeded to pull UP my shirt, and DOWN my pants in front of my husband, our two best friends, and her neighbor.?
Then DH told her we had gotten married. She pitched a fit. She said she thought we would wait until after the babies were born. Then she said she thought we would wait until after she had a new man (hers cheated on her) to attend the wedding with her. Then she said she though DH would always be single with her. DH looked at her like she was crazy, and told her that we had to go.
As I found out, that was just the tip of the iceberg. From then on, there were daily phone calls, etc.. Talking about how she needed DH to come to her house to fix something, or to look at a new house with more space for her grandbabies. There was just no stopping it. We went on a two day vacation to the beach in June, and she actually called me and cussed me out for not inviting her! And for not telling her we were driving 2 hours to the beach when she thought we were at home. Are we 5?
In july, she called in a panic asking if she could move in with us. Um why? Because she was 3 months behind on her rent ???? and they were eviciting her. Wait, I thought we just PAID her rent.
DH took 1,600 down there, and we started going through her computer. She had met a guy on fb, that was using a MODEL's pictures, and told her he had went to Africa to settle his father's estate, and now needed money or the hotel and airline wouldn't let him go. She'd sent him over $1,000 that we could find.. And there is no telling what else she had sent himt hat we couldn't. She had told this man our names, addresses, ages, what we did, and EVERYTHING about us!
DH handed the money to her landlord himslf and informed MIL that we would NOT be giving her any more money at all! NO MORE.
Not even two weeks later, the first week of August, his job suddenly moved to her hometown. She was begging for rent money again, so instead of giving it to her, she offered for us to stay there while we were looking for a place, as long as we helped with the bills. We were there for 3 weeks, and paid $1,000 (2 months) in rent, 3 electricity bills, cable, internet and tv, 2 of her vehicle notes, and gave her constant money for gas, etc.
I will never make the mistake of living with her again. She constantly walked around the house naked. Somedays she'd sleep all day and be up all night, or be up at 7 am and in bed by 5pm. She refused to shut the door when she was using the bathroom. She was pissed that we bought an airmattress to go in the second bedroom (she wanted DH to sleep with her!). Everything we did was constant scrutiny. I wasn't eating right for her babies. I wasn't wearing loose enough clothes for her babies. I needed to go walk to go walk so her babies would get here.
Finally, one day I had had enough. When she was gone, I went through her computer. She had been telling random people on the internet our business, as well as our friends and family we didn't like. She told all of them I was going to be a bad mother, and she was going to try and get custody of my children.
DH called her and informed her we would be leaving the next day, he was turning her brand new cell phone off (in his name), and she was NOT ever going to see her grandchildren. She stormed in, starting throwing things and yelling, and told us to get out now, and then called the cops. She danced around the house acting like a chicken!
We threw all of our stuff and our dogs in our vehicles and went to a hotel. The next day, DH asked for a transfer back to our hometown, and GOT IT. So we moved back.
A week later, I had my beautiful twins. And NO, she wasn't there.
After a month of peace, she called and apologized to my DH. He didn't believe her, but he just said whatever. She said she wanted to get her things out, and would come up the following week to do so.
That has been September. And she has been up EVERY SINGLE Monday-Thursday since. She will take one or two small items at a time, but hasn't gotten the big stuff I have asked, begged, and pleaded with her to get (it's all in a spare bedroom) because I need the space!
While the house is in DH's name, the land is in his grandparents, and he feels like he can't tell her no because it's her parent's land, and the grandparents, while I love them, have told him to try and keep peace with her.
She drives me nuts! She tells me I'm not a woman, because I cook from a box. She always comments on my house being "not clean enough for her" but she doesn't clean up after herself while here because she is a guest! I'm not a good mother, and my children look nothing like me. She barges into our bedroom while we're sleeping, and walks around our house naked, too. She smokes constantly, and I've caught her smoking in my house. She denies it, of course, and tells DH I'm lying, and DH just says there is NOTHING he can do!
Most recently, she informed DH that "the man is the king of the house" and the "man wears the pants in the family". She didn't like that I asked for his help hanging up pictures, because that was a "woman's job".
She is obsessed with DH, and says if she was younger she would "take him to bed". He walked through the house in a pair of boxers and a tshirt, and she informed him she was looking at his butt because she had no man's butt of her own to look at.
She heard me and a girlfriend talking about men being good in bed, and she said "DH is great in bed, I know, I'M his mother"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ?
She constantly talks mess about me to everybody, and then denies it. I've gotten screen shots, and 3 way calls to hear her personally, and my DH calld her on it last week, and she still denies! She says that "if you hear something I've supposidely said, you come to me".  Then proceeds to tell everybody that listens that I spend "her son's money" and am lazy, and fat, and trapped her son! Blah blah blah. And gets in my face to talk, with all her smoky breath.
Good news though, Dh is getting transfered again, this time to Wyoming, which is 26 !!!!!! hrs from her!, and we are road tripping through now!!!!!!!!
I'm sure I've missed something, but there's always next post


Wow!  That sounds very frustrating.  You have a fresh start, a DH and two DC to share it with.  Look forward to that, at least that should give you some breathing room.  The reflection stage where you realise what you have been put through can be painful.  I am going through that myself.  Stick together as a family unit and do what is best for yourselves.  Forge your own way and do not let others drag you down.  You have some work to do yet to get to Wyoming.  Muster your strength and work as a team.
All the best.


Welcome Tanabelle.  Whoa, what a whirlwind you and DH have been in.  Sounds like tons of stress on both of you.  I'm very glad that you guys are getting a fresh start, and far away.

We by no means here are medical professions but has MIL ever been diagnosed with any type of mental disorder?  Some of the things she has done, IMO, are kind of typical interfering MIL things (Like, the can't cook, can't clean, wear the right pants, do nothing right things), some of things sound like what we see a lot of here with being irresponsible with money, asking for you to bail her out constantly, etc., but much of what you wrote sounds like she has much deeper issues. The whole thing with the internet relationship and being conned (which is what is sounds like to me) and the comments about sleeping with DH are not what I see as "normal".

I feel for you because it sounds like she has so much more going on and unless she's willing to seek help, I just don't see anything good coming out this and I don't see her stopping, no matter how far she lives from you.  Unless you guys set some firm boundaries and stick to them, both of you, I'm afraid she's going to be calling and wanting to come to Wyoming, on your dime again.

The other part of your story that struck me, and please know I'm not criticizing anything you guys have done, but just pointing out that it sounds like she some deep rooted insecurities and problems.  If that is the case, then some of things you pointed out in the story would be very hard for someone like that to swallow.  You guys kept everything about your relationship hidden from the beginning, including the pregnancy and elopement.  Even for someone like me that is a go-with-the-flow type personality, I would have had some reservations on how the relationship went.  That's no reflection on you, and you have every right to your own business, but I can see where I would have felt "left out" if everything was always told to me, after the fact.  Finding out your DS has been seeing someone for a 1 1/2, is now having twins and then eloped...would be hard on someone that is "normal", so I bet it was 10 fold for her.

I know you had your reasons, but if I found out my DIL/DS or anybody went through my computers, was listening to my phone calls and such, I would be furious and feel like my privacy had been violated.  Again, I know you guys were trying to find out what was going on, but that would have caused major problems with me.

It sounds like this move is the best for everyone involved.  I hope you guys can move on with your life and concentrate on it.  Cut off her money train for good and hope she seeks some professional help.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


Oh sorry.  I forgot to give you the mod-speech :).  Please take a few moments to read the items under "Open Me First" for the guidelines, rules and such of the forum.  Nothing wrong with your post, with just ask all new people to familiarize themselves with how it works around here.  Thanks!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


Wow.  That's a whole lotta stuff going on.  Hopefully the move will make much of it go away.  I will say that I, too, wondered if your MIL was dealing with some mental issues.  Try to keep in mind that as long as you and DH are on the same page in how to deal with the situation, your MIL is really small potatoes in your life.  The big problem is when one spouse wants to lend money (or whatever) and the other is opposed and no compromise can be reached.  It's worse when one spouse agrees to a course of action then breaks the promise. 

Enjoy your babies and good luck.  I hope your MIL gets her stuff together and can someday be a positive role in her GC's lives. 


Welcome - You are on the right track to reach out for support. It is here for you...and I agree that when you and DH are on the same page, the problem isn't going to take you down. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama