July 16, 2019, 02:28:35 pm

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Why me?

Started by fangle, February 05, 2013, 08:00:39 pm

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

fangle

Hello!  I have been a member for quite some time and I have been taking in a lot of information.  This is my first post.  I am writing as a woman, a wife and a DIL.  My DH has never been particularly fond of my ILs, they initially were PA to me on occasion but I grew to love them warts and all.  This is a feeling that I can't turn off.  They became flat out aggressive to us as a couple on our wedding day and since then have directed their behaviour toward me.  I haven't done anything differently, I have just been myself.  My DH tried to talk about this with them, lay down some boundaries and mend the rift.  It didn't work.  Instead my ILs blamed me and refused to change or apologise and insisted that I was ruining their relationship with DH. (?!) I have even tried to talk to them about it, but I get the same brick wall.  We now find ourselves in the situation where we have estranged ourselves from them.  DH was the driver of this idea as he wants nothing to do with them.  They have hurt me a lot.  I don't know why they have picked me to pick on.  When will it stop hurting?  Why did they do this to me?

luise.volta

Welcome, F. A lot of time and tears can go into trying to make sense of the senseless...or to fit into someone else's expectations. They have made these choices...you are abiding with them, which to me looks like respect. My take is that the most important thing is your marriage and your loyalty to each other. You and DH have made a concerted effort to reverse his parent's stand. I would suggest you go your own way unless they approach you with an offer to heal the rift of their making. You deserve so much better. Give it to yourself.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

fangle

Wow.  Thank you, so very much, Luise.  It feels as though a weight has lifted to hear that from you.  It does feel like a loss that was not necessary and it was without sense in my eyes.  You are right, I do deserve better - we need to refocus our energy into living!  Thank you, again - I am so glad I finally got my nerve up to post!

Pooh

Welcome fangle.  Like Luise said, enjoy your marriage and stop banging your head against the wall.  Unless they are willing to communicate, then I'm afraid there is nothing you can do.  You both have made your attempts, it's in their court now.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

luise.volta

F -  Yup, the next post will be a piece of cake!  :D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

fangle

Thank you, Pooh - that is great advice.  We need to be happy and not allow others to treat us poorly.  Besides banging my head against the wall is giving me a headache that I don't need!  I doubt that they will change, unfortunately.  My DH knows this.  It is hard to turn off love and impossible to understand nonsense.  I just need to catch up and let it go.  Thank you, again.

herbalescapes

There are many cases where the AC/Parent relationship is dysfunctional, but the DIL/SIL takes the blame.  It's not fair, but there it is.  Let's face it, it's easier to think that cheap hussy your son married or that controlling monster your daughter married is causing the rift than facing up to the fact your own children just don't want anything to do with you.  Sounds like you tried to keep the relationship going, but relationships are two-way streets.  I'd caution against trying to push DH into making the peace.  As long as he doesn't blame you for the rift, I think you should accept him taking the lead on this.  There are probably a lot of things going back many years having impacts that you don't know about.  Good luck.

Pooh

Fangle, one of the things I have learned here is that you can still love, but with detachment.  I will always love my DS, but I don't like the person he has become so I have detached.  Doesn't mean I love him any less and wish it could be different, but it is what it is, so I have let go.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

fangle

This is all great advice.  I think I am now on the same page as all of you with this issue and I am all ready feeling a lot more like my old self again.  I think it would be okay to lock this topic now.  Thank you all again for your help, ladies. xo

luise.volta

F - Great. OK, we can complete this thread but please keep us advised. There are ups and downs in all of this and next time you may be the one helping the newbie.Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama