Author Topic: wedding etiquette  (Read 2840 times)

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Offline Monroe

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wedding etiquette
« on: January 19, 2013, 08:01:23 PM »
Question - for those of you experienced with large weddings -

I had never heard of such a thing as a bridesmaids' luncheon - hosted by the bride.  I understand it is for the bride to thank the members of the wedding party.  What is the etiquette for such an event? Who is invited?  Anyone out there have any experience in this sort of thing? 

Offline Pen

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Re: wedding etiquette
« Reply #1 on: January 19, 2013, 09:08:27 PM »
Sorry, I have no idea what "real" brides/bridemaids do. Our wedding was fairly casual and when DS got married I wasn't privy to the bride's activities. My only frame of reference is the recent movie "Bridesmaids" with Kristin Wiig & Maya Rudolph.  ;D
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
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Offline tryingmybest

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Faith

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Re: wedding etiquette
« Reply #3 on: January 20, 2013, 04:44:12 PM »
I have never heard of a bridesmaid's luncheon either. I suspect this is something Wedding Planners have decided to add to their services.
Personally, I would go for the traditional way of doing things.

Offline Monroe

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Re: wedding etiquette
« Reply #4 on: January 20, 2013, 06:28:02 PM »
I have never heard of a bridesmaid's luncheon either. I suspect this is something Wedding Planners have decided to add to their services.
Personally, I would go for the traditional way of doing things.

I agree that Wedding Planners have added way too much to what should be a meaningful ceremony about a couple committing to spend their lives together.  This Bridesmaid's luncheon seems to have become part of the traditions - and according to the link Trying posted, can be a low-keyed event where the bride thanks her wedding party.  Here's a quote from that web site. (Thank you, Trying):

the bridesmaids' luncheon is a wonderful opportunity to thank those special women in your life for all their cooperation and support during this busy time in your life.

I know the bridesmaids are invited.  If the mothers are invited, is it just the mother of the bride or should the mother of groom be invited if the bride's mother is included?   Is it a slap to invite the mother of the bride and NOT the mother of the groom?

Thoughts, anyone?

Offline Pen

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Re: wedding etiquette
« Reply #5 on: January 20, 2013, 11:13:50 PM »
Oh my, one more thing to have to worry about. Monroe, are you knee deep in wedding preparations for your daughter or ? I haven't been keeping up with my WWU reading as I should (bad Mod, bad Mod.)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Monroe

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Re: wedding etiquette
« Reply #6 on: January 21, 2013, 08:01:53 AM »
Pen - no, no AC getting married here.  I am actually asking on behalf of a friend whose son is getting married.  Big wedding and reception.  My friend is hosting a lovely rehearsal dinner.  There is also a "bridesmaids luncheon" which will be given by the bride, hosting the young bridesmaids and the mother and grandmother of the bride (actually at the home of the mother of bride).  My friend, the mother of the groom, is not invited.  She thinks maybe she is being snubbed, but really doesn't know, as she is unfamiliar with the concept of the Bridesmaids Luncheon. 

I told her I would ask my friends at WWU, who have great insights. 

Is it OK to leave out the mother of the groom, even if the mother of bride is included?  Does the fact the event is at the mother of bride's house (and mother of bride may presumably function more as cook and server than guest) make it OK to differentiate treatment between the mothers? 

Or should the mother of groom have been included, and is this a slight? 

My friend is not going to say or do anything about it - she just wonders if this is appropriate treatment. 

Thoughts, ladies? 

Offline Scoop

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Re: wedding etiquette
« Reply #7 on: January 21, 2013, 10:12:04 AM »
Monroe - your friend has nothing to gain by turning this into a slight.  The way I see it, right now, she has the option of CHOOSING how she's going to perceive this situation.

There's an internet meme out there about "What Men Wish Women Knew" and one of them is "If I say something to you and it can be taken 2 ways, and one of those ways makes you cry, then I meant the OTHER way."  And really, it's a good way to live your life, giving other people the benefit of the doubt.

For example, if someone cuts me off in traffic, I always tell myself that "Oh, he must be rushing to the hospital to see his baby being born!".  Because if I get all MAD about it, then it ruins MY day, it raises MY blood pressure and maybe causes me to cut off someone else, and why? because one guy was a jerk.  Nah, so not worth it.  And really, in the end, even if the guy decided to cut me off ON PURPOSE, it is better for ME, if instead of getting angry about it, I just go with the idea of "guy rushing to see his baby being born".  Then I can wish him "godspeed" and happily go along with my day.

So tell your friend that this is the very beginning of what is hopefully a long term relationship with this DIL and that she should not be 'manufacturing' slights, she should be manifesting good will and wishing DIL and her "girls" the best time.

Scoop

Offline Monroe

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Re: wedding etiquette
« Reply #8 on: January 21, 2013, 10:42:15 AM »
Monroe - your friend has nothing to gain by turning this into a slight.  The way I see it, right now, she has the option of CHOOSING how she's going to perceive this situation.

Scoop

Scoop - my friend has already chosen to deal with this most graciously, and is actually a little relieved that she can nap the afternoon before the wedding and not have to attend yet another event. 

She was just asking me - because my son was married a number of years ago - what my experience had been, and I had no experience.  She is far from "manufacturing" slights.  She can understand that if the event is at the bride's mother's home and the mother is cooking and serving more than "attending" and functioning as a guest, it might make sense to have the mother of bride but not mother of groom.  She was just wondering and was simply asking, as was I.  I said in my earlier post that she is not going to say or do anything about it - she was simply wondering, as big weddings are a new experience for her.  No one is "manufacturing" anything. 

Offline Pooh

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Re: wedding etiquette
« Reply #9 on: January 22, 2013, 12:34:29 PM »
I have had no experience with one of those things either.  My realistic side says that I think a bride gets to do what she wants and how she wants it as it's her day.  But my emotional side says I would have a hard time not having my feelings hurt if everyone was invited but me (if I was Mother of the Groom).

I know what Scoop is saying and I'm trying really hard to be more like that, but I also have to be honest.  One of the biggies for me and my Mother at my DS's wedding was watching DIL hand a thank you bag to everyone, Bridesmaids, her Mother, the servers and the ladies from the Church that helped decorate and not even saying thank you to me or my Mother (I did the rehearsal dinner and it was my Mother's home they used).  It may have been her prerogative, but it was still hurtful.  We didn't need a gift and it wasn't required, but still hurtful.

If it was a luncheon for just the Bride and Bridesmaids, wouldn't bother me a bit.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline herbalescapes

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Re: wedding etiquette
« Reply #10 on: January 22, 2013, 01:25:41 PM »
I think the bridesmaid lunch is a regional thing.  As with most things bridal, there are different acceptable ways for this to work out.  Sometimes the MOB is invited but not the MOG.  Sometimes neither mother.  Sometimes flower girls.  Sometimes friends who aren't in the bridal party.  I think with all the bridezilla type stuff going on, anything that has a bride doing something considerate for others should be encouraged.  I have heard of a bride supposedly hosting a lunch then sticking the bill to the bridesmaids, so I really hope that situation is not going on here. 

Faith

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Re: wedding etiquette
« Reply #11 on: January 22, 2013, 05:30:53 PM »
Personally, I think it would be really rude to invite one mother and not the other. I would feel hurt if I was excluded.
However, if the Bride is doing a lunch just for the bridesmaids, that is fine.
Pooh, I think it was appalling that your DIL failed to thank you and your mother at her wedding. I am afraid I would have said so to my DS.
Americans seem to be so much more polite and gracious than the British.
I do hope the wedding goes well for your friend, Monroe. So many perfectly pleasant young women seem to turn onto Bridezillas the minute the engagement ring goes on their finger.

Offline Monroe

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Re: wedding etiquette
« Reply #12 on: January 22, 2013, 08:08:34 PM »
Pooh - I think your DIL was extremely rude to thank everyone BUT you and your mother.  It's not as if you were guests who did nothing - you put on the rehearsal dinner, which is a biggie.  I agree that if it was just the bride and bridesmaids, it wouldn't be of any concern whatsoever. 

In general, I agree with Faith about the appropriateness of inviting both mothers or neither.  The site Trying directed us to said the purpose of the event was to thank the special women for their support during this important time in the bride's life.  And I certainly think that rehearsal dinners qualify as support during the wedding. 

But my friend is a glass-half-full type of gal, and is choosing to think that the mother and GM of the bride are there not really as guests, but as catering staff doing a lot of work (this could be) - that the only true guests are the young girls and my friend gets to nap during what will be an exceedingly long day.  I can buy that. 

If the event were at a restaurant and the mother and GM of bride were there and my friend was not, I couldn't swallow that story, but it is a plausible reason to not include groom's mother at an event at a residence.   My friend is a saint and will be a wonderful MIL.  I hope her future DIL appreciates her.

Pooh - you too are a saint - your DIL had no excuse for her behavior.  I know you couldn't care less about the contents of the gift bag - but for you and your mom to have gone to all that trouble and not even receive and honorable mention when DIL made a show of thanking everyone else shows your DIL's true colors. 


Offline Pooh

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Re: wedding etiquette
« Reply #13 on: January 23, 2013, 06:51:46 AM »
Thank you.  It was very telling for the future.  DS did come up directly, right before they left and hugged us and thanked us for everything.  I wouldn't have brought up what DIL did with him, as much as I wouldn't bring up with DIL something DS did.  I'm a direct kind of person and I take up problems with the person.  I also wouldn't say anything on someone's wedding day or special event.  I think there is a time and place for conversations and making a scene is not something I would do to anyone.  There was alot more that happened that day to exclude my family and it was very obvious the division of how DIL felt about our side and her side and that was the beginning of the end.  Once the wedding was over, the cut-off began.

Monroe, you could be totally right about MOB and GM being the hostesses and doing the grunt work since it's at a residence.  In that case, I can also see where the luncheon is technically just being done for the Bride and Bridesmaids.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell