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Help with future in laws

Started by Lucylala, December 03, 2012, 01:37:48 pm

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December 03, 2012, 01:37:48 pm Last Edit: December 03, 2012, 10:00:27 pm by Pen
Good morning ladies, I am glad I found this forum and look forward to hearing some words of wisdom.
I guess in order to get the best advice / feedback I have to start from the beginning. My BF and I have been together almost 2 years and will be tying the knot next summer. We are both in out 30's and would like to try for baby soon after the wedding. I have a son and he has two daughters, one with a disability. There are a few behavioral issues with the daughter with the disability but nothing we can't handle. The biggest issue we are having is with my future in-laws. When we met they were all living with him and completely financially reliant upon him. Neither of his parents work, his sister has a good job but doesn't feel the need or push to be independent and his brother just doesn't seem to care much about growing up. They have all lived with him for about 6 years now which included the last 3 years of his first marriage. His first marriage crashed and burned hard and though his ex-wife stepped outside of the marriage I couldn't help but wonder how much of that was caused by his family's codependence.
As the big day is moving closer I find that I am the one that has to initiate most of the "important" conversations that are needed before marriage. One of those issues was his family. I grew up in a very broken home and with the exception of my siblings, I don't have any family that I can rely upon which has made me more independent than most and I'm grateful for that. He grew up with both parents and everyone is very close-knit which something I admire is.
We "technically" live in two separate households but plan on moving in together this March when my lease is up. A few months ago while looking at properties his family came up in conversation. He told me we have to make sure we get a house large enough to accommodate everyone. Maybe I was being naïve but I assumed that when we move in together it would just be us. When he told me this I was honest and told him I have no desire or intentions of living with his family or anyone else for that matter. Between the two of us we have 3 kids, one with special needs and we have enough on our plate that we can't add supporting and housing a group of adults to that list. I went as far as to tell him that if they are moving in, I'm not and that I will stay where I am. He's didn't like hearing that and said we'd figure something out. Well, his "compromise" wasn't much of one; he suggested that we set aside $1000 a month for his family and his sister and brother can make up the rest. In my opinion this wasn't a viable option either. We live in CA and the cost of living isn't cheap and neither is supporting 3 kids. He became very upset and said I shoot down every option he gives me but the option of everyone paying their own bills was never brought up. Well March is approaching and I am becoming more and more reluctant about not just getting our own place but also about the marriage and kids. His mom is a very nice lady but also manipulates him and financially uses him. She takes his credit cards on a regular basis without his permission and racks up debt but doesn't pay back on cent. His parents are in their late 50's and early 60's and have no health problems that prevent them from getting jobs. His mom hasn't worked in a decade because she was "tired of working" and has since relied upon him and his father for everything. When the father dropped the ball my BF took all the responsibility and now supports both parents. Am I wrong for expecting a little bit of personal accountability from them? Is this a good enough reason to call off the marriage despite the relationship being almost perfect in every other aspect? I really just don't know what to do. I love him dearly and have been the happiest ever with him but this is just unacceptable in my opinion...PLEASE HELP!!


December 03, 2012, 06:21:18 pm #1 Last Edit: December 03, 2012, 10:00:43 pm by Pen
Welcome - My take is to get the heck out of Dodge. If this was going to work for you, you wouldn't be here. New marriages need to start out with a chance of survival. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


December 03, 2012, 09:58:35 pm #2 Last Edit: December 04, 2012, 09:18:57 am by luise.volta
Welcome, Lucylala. Wow, that's a lot to be dealing with! I'd wait on the marriage at the very least, if not run like heck immediately. I understand that moving on will be difficult since kids are also involved (and I assume after 2 years quite a bond has been built.) In addition, your BF has perhaps counted on his FOO for help w/the kids, especially if a disability is an issue. I have a disabled daughter too, and would have loved having family nearby (not in my house, but nearby) to help out. But, your dreams of building a family of your own, separate from BF's FOO, don't seem possible with the current situation and the mindset of your BF. You'll always feel like you come last, I'm afraid.

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