Author Topic: Doing the internal inventory please help  (Read 3421 times)

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bettylou

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Doing the internal inventory please help
« on: May 10, 2010, 11:09:02 AM »
It is time for me to take a breath and let whatever will be to be with my son and DIL I can not focus anymore on that today.  What I can do is be totally honest with myself for the first time about what I have done wrong and let you all know that I do realize I am the problem, that I did cause the family to be apart, that I was pushy and bossy and down right mean.  I am going to list some things I have done wrong, I ask you to be honest with me and tell me what I can do now and what I should have done and what I should not rake myself over coals for.  Thank you, deep breath, here goes, ready to take ownership.
Wedding shower: yes everything I said about DIL being rude to me at shower was true, but there were things I did wrong that I left out on purpose.  I gave my DIL a very sexxxy inapropriate nighty infront of everyone and I knew her mom was there and grandmother and that DIL would feel foolish and upset by it, I also gave her the wrong size, a XXL.  She is thin but she works hard for it and is sensitive about it and I wanted her to feel bad.  She did and was mad at me.
Baby shower:  every complaint I had about DIL was true but here is the things I left out, I gave her some really practical but personal gifts that I knew would make her uncomfortable, Nipple cream to open in front of everyone and giant sanitary napkins with belts like I used to wear for after the baby was born, and the rest were nice gifts she wanted.
 After the baby was born:  I gave her the gym membership to upset her and make her feel fat and ugly, then when she got upset I told everyone she was crazy and overly sensitive.  I sent out birth anouncement through email so that I would get congratulated, I wanted the attention.
Wedding: I offered to pay for alot of things, when the time came and I added up the costs, they were too great for me and I backed out of them three weeks before the wedding.  When her mother told me I was wrong to do that, I told everyone she confronted me and swore at me.  She did not do this.  I lied and made her the bad one.  I told people to give them really cheap gifts and that they did not deserve nice gifts, some people listened to me and did that, some people in my family came to the wedding and drank and ate gave nothing becaue of me.  Now my family looks like the bad ones even years later. I was sad that my daughter was not in the wedding and complained about it all the time to her face, I asked them to let her do something and when they did not I complained about it all the time.  I told DIL my daughter would be pretty at the wedding the prettiest one there and I hope the bride would not be too jelous of her.  I told her i hated her dress, I did everything I could to slam her and shut her down every minute
Day to day things:  I drive by the house and see what is going on when my son is not home, I look for cars that are in the driveway and spend my time trying to figure oout who they belong to.  I talk really badly about her to people I know.  I spoil her with gifts to ease my guilt and make myself look good and generous and get her to like me , when she reacts negative to me or uses me for things I repeat the negative behaviours like al ittle child.  I have done so many many things out of jelousy and spte and anger and hurt feelings I am very ashamed and manipulatieve.  I want to make it right this was the first step now what?  Please tell me what to do to avoid being thrown away forever and taking my family wiht me.  What do I do?

cremebrulee

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Re: Doing the internal inventory please help
« Reply #1 on: May 10, 2010, 11:37:50 AM »
It is time for me to take a breath and let whatever will be to be with my son and DIL I can not focus anymore on that today.  What I can do is be totally honest with myself for the first time about what I have done wrong and let you all know that I do realize I am the problem, that I did cause the family to be apart, that I was pushy and bossy and down right mean.  I am going to list some things I have done wrong, I ask you to be honest with me and tell me what I can do now and what I should have done and what I should not rake myself over coals for.  Thank you, deep breath, here goes, ready to take ownership.
Wedding shower: yes everything I said about DIL being rude to me at shower was true, but there were things I did wrong that I left out on purpose.  I gave my DIL a very sexxxy inapropriate nighty infront of everyone and I knew her mom was there and grandmother and that DIL would feel foolish and upset by it, I also gave her the wrong size, a XXL.  She is thin but she works hard for it and is sensitive about it and I wanted her to feel bad.  She did and was mad at me.
Baby shower:  every complaint I had about DIL was true but here is the things I left out, I gave her some really practical but personal gifts that I knew would make her uncomfortable, Nipple cream to open in front of everyone and giant sanitary napkins with belts like I used to wear for after the baby was born, and the rest were nice gifts she wanted.
 After the baby was born:  I gave her the gym membership to upset her and make her feel fat and ugly, then when she got upset I told everyone she was crazy and overly sensitive.  I sent out birth anouncement through email so that I would get congratulated, I wanted the attention.
Wedding: I offered to pay for alot of things, when the time came and I added up the costs, they were too great for me and I backed out of them three weeks before the wedding.  When her mother told me I was wrong to do that, I told everyone she confronted me and swore at me.  She did not do this.  I lied and made her the bad one.  I told people to give them really cheap gifts and that they did not deserve nice gifts, some people listened to me and did that, some people in my family came to the wedding and drank and ate gave nothing becaue of me.  Now my family looks like the bad ones even years later. I was sad that my daughter was not in the wedding and complained about it all the time to her face, I asked them to let her do something and when they did not I complained about it all the time.  I told DIL my daughter would be pretty at the wedding the prettiest one there and I hope the bride would not be too jelous of her.  I told her i hated her dress, I did everything I could to slam her and shut her down every minute
Day to day things:  I drive by the house and see what is going on when my son is not home, I look for cars that are in the driveway and spend my time trying to figure oout who they belong to.  I talk really badly about her to people I know.  I spoil her with gifts to ease my guilt and make myself look good and generous and get her to like me , when she reacts negative to me or uses me for things I repeat the negative behaviours like al ittle child.  I have done so many many things out of jelousy and spte and anger and hurt feelings I am very ashamed and manipulatieve.  I want to make it right this was the first step now what?  Please tell me what to do to avoid being thrown away forever and taking my family wiht me.  What do I do?

Bettylou, I commend you for admitting your wrongs here...it took a lot of courage to do so....

You must understand and probably do, that these actions are very unacceptable...very insulting and mean...I would suggest, as I did before, that you get yourself into counseling, immediately...please...otherwise, you will continue this pattern which is very offensive...you have to figure out why your like this...and correct the problem...we can all give you our points of view...however, you've got to act on sincereity that you want to change more then anything else in the world...first, and foremost, your actions have severely hurt a lot of people...I believe you now realize that and you've taken steps...but what you really need is counseling to understand, you can't always have your way, and when you don't get your way, you cannot act out inappropriately....I really think, with time and patience, and a whole lot of hard work on your part, this can be made better, but you have got to want to do it...and mean it, and want it, more than anything else in the world...you have to pray for change, and mean it...and do something to help yourself...which would be counseling...you need long term guidence and hard work on your part....

you are going to have a lot of DIL's come in here to this thread and hammer you for your behavior...maybe that is what you need...however, I hope they are gentle with you...it did take courage on your part to come in here and write this...

Now, you need to get to work and seek out a good counselor, and if that counselor is not helping you after a few weeks, then you need to seek out another...but you've got to be brutally honest with him/her and yourself...honest...

Then after a while of counseling, I would contact everyone you have hurt and apologize...they may shun you, they may not even listen to you....

BettyLou, if you remember anything, remember this, when you hurt someone intentionally, you hurt yourself more, and you change that person's life forever...in a negative way, and you will bring negative into your life...please stop this now...


You can do this, but it's all up to you, your choice...so what do you want...?  Do you want a positive successful life, or do you want what is going on now...b/c if you don't change, drastically, which you can do...life for you will be hurtful and cause so many others a lot of heartache...please seek out counseling now...for your own good...you can do this, you can.

I really do hope and pray you do seek help...

hugs
Creme
« Last Edit: May 10, 2010, 11:44:18 AM by cremebrulee »

Orly

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Re: Doing the internal inventory please help
« Reply #2 on: May 10, 2010, 11:46:57 AM »
Gee Creme you and I are on the same wavelength today.

Bettylou you have made a big first step in listing things you have done to foul up your nest.  Do as Creme has suggested and go to a counselor to start on working these out.  I'm pretty sure you are going to have to do the face-to-face apology for your past indiscretions with your son and dil.  You will probably need to correct some impressions your daughter has too, on how things have gone down in the past. 

You have had a major break in your actions and thoughts, keeping up the positive direction will be work and do not let the occasional backslide impede your forward movement.  Remember, tiny steps taken everyday will lead you to the prize.  Remember too, the ladies here are helping you with the support side of your journey.

 

RedRose

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Re: Doing the internal inventory please help
« Reply #3 on: May 10, 2010, 11:49:58 AM »
It is time for me to take a breath and let whatever will be to be with my son and DIL I can not focus anymore on that today.  What I can do is be totally honest with myself for the first time about what I have done wrong and let you all know that I do realize I am the problem, that I did cause the family to be apart, that I was pushy and bossy and down right mean.  I am going to list some things I have done wrong, I ask you to be honest with me and tell me what I can do now and what I should have done and what I should not rake myself over coals for.  Thank you, deep breath, here goes, ready to take ownership.
Wedding shower: yes everything I said about DIL being rude to me at shower was true, but there were things I did wrong that I left out on purpose.  I gave my DIL a very sexxxy inapropriate nighty infront of everyone and I knew her mom was there and grandmother and that DIL would feel foolish and upset by it, I also gave her the wrong size, a XXL.  She is thin but she works hard for it and is sensitive about it and I wanted her to feel bad.  She did and was mad at me.
Baby shower:  every complaint I had about DIL was true but here is the things I left out, I gave her some really practical but personal gifts that I knew would make her uncomfortable, Nipple cream to open in front of everyone and giant sanitary napkins with belts like I used to wear for after the baby was born, and the rest were nice gifts she wanted.
 After the baby was born:  I gave her the gym membership to upset her and make her feel fat and ugly, then when she got upset I told everyone she was crazy and overly sensitive.  I sent out birth anouncement through email so that I would get congratulated, I wanted the attention.
Wedding: I offered to pay for alot of things, when the time came and I added up the costs, they were too great for me and I backed out of them three weeks before the wedding.  When her mother told me I was wrong to do that, I told everyone she confronted me and swore at me.  She did not do this.  I lied and made her the bad one.  I told people to give them really cheap gifts and that they did not deserve nice gifts, some people listened to me and did that, some people in my family came to the wedding and drank and ate gave nothing becaue of me.  Now my family looks like the bad ones even years later. I was sad that my daughter was not in the wedding and complained about it all the time to her face, I asked them to let her do something and when they did not I complained about it all the time.  I told DIL my daughter would be pretty at the wedding the prettiest one there and I hope the bride would not be too jelous of her.  I told her i hated her dress, I did everything I could to slam her and shut her down every minute
Day to day things:  I drive by the house and see what is going on when my son is not home, I look for cars that are in the driveway and spend my time trying to figure oout who they belong to.  I talk really badly about her to people I know.  I spoil her with gifts to ease my guilt and make myself look good and generous and get her to like me , when she reacts negative to me or uses me for things I repeat the negative behaviours like al ittle child.  I have done so many many things out of jelousy and spte and anger and hurt feelings I am very ashamed and manipulatieve.  I want to make it right this was the first step now what?  Please tell me what to do to avoid being thrown away forever and taking my family wiht me.  What do I do?

Are you really a MIL BettyLou ?  Forgive me if I am wrong?

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Doing the internal inventory please help
« Reply #4 on: May 10, 2010, 11:57:06 AM »
I am impressed with your openness and I think the support here has helped you a lot. I sure hope so. My view is that now that you have brought so much up onto the surface, you go into some solid, one-on-one counseling. You have gotten a lot of feedbback here but I seems to me that your needs are more acute than what our site is designed t offer.

We can't tell you what to do. We can be supportive and make suggestions, sympathize and inspire but I honestly think you have some hard work to do and need professional help to take you through it to a healthier life. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline alohomora

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Re: Doing the internal inventory please help
« Reply #5 on: May 10, 2010, 12:03:55 PM »
Wow, Betty.

Frankly, after all this...I'm shocked you have a relationship with DIL AT ALL. The fact that you are allowed stilll to spend time with your grandchild, at all, shows that your DIL is a forgiving person.

I would have cut you off. Probably indefinetly, if I was DIL.

When you wonder why the kids aren't with you on mothers day, read your post and you'll have your answer.

There is A LOT OF HOPE HERE!

Despite what you did this weekend, you've done plenty worse, and they still include you in their lives.

I agree with the above posts asking you to seek some guidance/assistance perhaps from councilling to get the bottom of your emotions. But I think there is a lot of hope here, and maybe this admittance is the first step to a better future.

MLW07

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Re: Doing the internal inventory please help
« Reply #6 on: May 10, 2010, 12:20:40 PM »
Wow, Betty.

Frankly, after all this...I'm shocked you have a relationship with DIL AT ALL. The fact that you are allowed stilll to spend time with your grandchild, at all, shows that your DIL is a forgiving person.

I would have cut you off. Probably indefinetly, if I was DIL.

When you wonder why the kids aren't with you on mothers day, read your post and you'll have your answer.

There is A LOT OF HOPE HERE!

Despite what you did this weekend, you've done plenty worse, and they still include you in their lives.

I agree with the above posts asking you to seek some guidance/assistance perhaps from councilling to get the bottom of your emotions. But I think there is a lot of hope here, and maybe this admittance is the first step to a better future.


Ditto.  Get help now before it is too late, but be prepared for it to be too late.

bettylou

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Re: Doing the internal inventory please help
« Reply #7 on: May 10, 2010, 12:27:51 PM »
Well, I have to say I am shocked by your reactions to all the awful things I have done.  I fully expected to be kicked out of here with the door hitting me on the way out.  I am thankful for the kindess eventhough I know it was undeserved.  I did call my insurance and get a counselors name and number.  I called and spoke directly to her, she wanted to ask me some intake questions about the nature of my family problems.  She seems like such a positive and wise person, she told me that she was glad I called and she is looking forward to meeting me and that we can work togethor and try to solve the problems that I have allowed to take over my life and marriage and family. I am looking very forward to meeting her.  We are going to have our first session in one week.  She said she deals alot with mother and son and dil issues and that as long as I tell the whole truth she can help me, as long as I am willing to face the music and be honest only good can come of it!  It was a huge relief!  If it works out well, I will take daughter there to help her greive the loss of her brother if need be or to try to reverse the damage I have caused her young life by alienating the family from son, I never want to do that to my daughter when she is married and has a family.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Doing the internal inventory please help
« Reply #8 on: May 10, 2010, 12:33:03 PM »
Good for you. Now, I think it would be wise to let yourself build a relationship with your one-on-one counselor and not complicate your process by using us as e-counselors at the same time. You don't need to leave but I feel strongly that you need to shift your focus and maybe report back here once a week or so. Good luck, Bettylou!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

1Glitterati

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Re: Doing the internal inventory please help
« Reply #9 on: May 10, 2010, 01:46:37 PM »
If what you wrote is truly why you did think, and not a rehash of what your dil says you meant when you did something--then that's personal progress.

As everyone has said...professional counseling is need to find out why you chose these actions.  I ask simply because I'm curious...is your dil the only person you relate to so passive aggressively?  If so...that'd be an interesting avenue to explore and get to the bottom of.

Maybe one day, things can be repaired somewhat...but if so, you should be prepared for that to take a while.  A long while.

bettylou

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Re: Doing the internal inventory please help
« Reply #10 on: May 10, 2010, 03:04:47 PM »
Well, Glitter since you did ask a question with your good advice and I am trying to be honest with myself and others I will answer it.  No this not the only peson I have behaved this way with.   I have put down one of my sisters for yeas.  I have belittled other mothers for their choices when they differed from mine so that I would feel like I am a better mother.  I would plant seeds in other people's brains to make them think what I wanted them to think, I have lost many many friends over the years and always blamed other people.  I am a very very jelous woman, whenever someone says something that I do not do or have not acheived I feel like a nothing, I feel threatened and that everyone is better than me or more than me.   I have always felt very much that I was less than other people.  I have learned over the years that I feel like a winner when I make other people feel like a loser or look like a loser in front of others.  When I do this I feel very good for a while then I feel deep regret and sadness for saying and doing these things and I try to win them over by treating them to nice things or being kind once again.  I do have a conscience so I do feel guilty and sad at myself when I do it, so I try to make it up to them best I can until once again they outshine me or I feel inferior then I repeat the cycple.  I am going to work hard to stop this cycle.  I am going to try to be happy being me and then I hope that I can be around others with out feeling threatened by them.  Does taht make sense?  I am still very upset with myself so I hope I did answer the question clearly.

MagicGram

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Re: Doing the internal inventory please help
« Reply #11 on: May 10, 2010, 03:41:19 PM »
Wow.  I hardly know what to say to your confession.  I've been lurking here since the beginning, I thought I'd always lurk because I don't really have inlaw problems (didn't care for my MIL, but she's long dead).  My sister however whines nonstop and is actually a nice person--except where this issue comes up.  It's totally her fault, but she refuses to see it, and everyone in the family is fed up with her and she's ruining relationships left and right as people weary of hearing about it.  She always claims she doesn't understand what's wrong, although it's clear to everyone else, and I've always been on the fence that she's telling the truth and really doesn't know (although I have been explicit) or whether she's just playing.

I was impressed with your confession, BettyLou, although when I got to the part, "I sent out birth anouncement through email so that I would get congratulated, I wanted the attention", I thought: "Hmmm, this is an angry DIL pretending to be a MIL, wanting to get validation about how awful she's been treated and hoping to get her MIL blasted by proxy". Especially when it was so suddenly followed by an appointment with a therapist.  It just seemed too sudden a revelation and such a departure from 'they made me do by treating me so badly'.  But I read your other posts and guess maybe you are for real (sorry if that sounds condescending, it's just I will spend a half hour answering your post if I think you are real and might benefit, but I wouldn't if I thought you were just a faker).

So it appears you've been subtly torturing your DIL for years, and you know it's because you want attention.  How do you feel about yourself doing this?  Did you start out proud that you were causing so much misery, did it initially make you feel powerful, and then when it started going badly, and you started facing consequences, very unpleasant consequences, did you start getting scared that you unleashed something that got out of control? 

I ask because why now are you admitting your pettiness and making the connection between your awful behavior and your need for attention?  If you knew your need for attention was making you behave nastily, why didn't you make a counselling appointment years ago?  I hope you do know that your feelings and reactions have nothing to do with DIL or your son; but are a reaction to problems you had in childhood that were never resolved.  No, I'm not being psychobabble-ish.  Your posts show a strange lack of cause and effect: you deliberate make your DIL angry and then are upset that she gets angry.  You give clear 'I think you are fat messages' left and right, and then seem surprised that people aren't fooled by your hostility towards her; in fact, you are only fooling yourself that you are subtle. 

This is the type of things children age 4-6 do.  A good therapist will be able to pinpoint your current emotional age...and then work with you to understand the events in your life that halted your development at that point.  There's no shame in being stuck at an immature emotional age; the fault would belong to those adults who were responsible for raising you and ushering you into mastering the next emotional challenge.  The way 6 year olds learn to master emotional stages is by experiencing the unpleasant consequences of not doing so.  Which is what's happening to you now.  It's got to be worse learning these basic lessons at 55+; but it isn't only your parents' fault, it's yours.  You've known you've been acting badly for a long time, and you haven't taken yourself into therapy.

I don't wish to lecture.  I'm hoping to encourage you to be honest as can be.  It's not all lost, but you have a long way to go and a lot to learn.  You put your trust in your therapist and mostly in honesty, you will be guided through the emotional stages relatively quickly and without too much pain. 

You need to learn this.  You've probably put a wall between yourself and your son's family that will take years to come down, and you will probably never be as accepted by them as you could have been.  But the fact that they haven't cut you off before now, should give you heart and hope.  They are overall willing to work with you, maybe not for the next couple years, but eventually. 

If you don't learn it, you will lose your daughter like you have your son.  You may not think so, but she is young, impressionable and dependent on you.  But she won't always be, and she may forgive you now, but she's going to get smarter and she might not later.  Eventually, she's going to think, "No wonder brother and SIL don't like me; look how mom threw me under the bus.  I wonder how many times she's done that."

Your husband knows you are at fault for the rift, as do your son and DIL. You must have some good in you that your husband is willing to stick by you for now.  But you haven't fooled him, and if you think you did, you only fooled yourself.  He's known for a while now, hasn't he?  You can only fool people who don't matter, extended family and friends...people who don't matter in your family.  The core people of your family, the ones who matter most, have not been fooled.

Please give truth and honesty a chance, you can overcome this; but if you don't, you can lose a lot more than you already have.  Lots of hugs for you, it's been a bad day.

1Glitterati

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Re: Doing the internal inventory please help
« Reply #12 on: May 10, 2010, 04:27:27 PM »
Well, Glitter since you did ask a question with your good advice and I am trying to be honest with myself and others I will answer it.  No this not the only peson I have behaved this way with.   I have put down one of my sisters for yeas.  I have belittled other mothers for their choices when they differed from mine so that I would feel like I am a better mother.  I would plant seeds in other people's brains to make them think what I wanted them to think, I have lost many many friends over the years and always blamed other people.  I am a very very jelous woman, whenever someone says something that I do not do or have not acheived I feel like a nothing, I feel threatened and that everyone is better than me or more than me.   I have always felt very much that I was less than other people.  I have learned over the years that I feel like a winner when I make other people feel like a loser or look like a loser in front of others.  When I do this I feel very good for a while then I feel deep regret and sadness for saying and doing these things and I try to win them over by treating them to nice things or being kind once again.  I do have a conscience so I do feel guilty and sad at myself when I do it, so I try to make it up to them best I can until once again they outshine me or I feel inferior then I repeat the cycple.  I am going to work hard to stop this cycle.  I am going to try to be happy being me and then I hope that I can be around others with out feeling threatened by them.  Does taht make sense?  I am still very upset with myself so I hope I did answer the question clearly.

Actually...that does answer it clearly.  It also sounds like you've been doing some reading and researching on your own.  I would caution you this...don't stop therapy too soon.  It's gonna take a long while to break this compulsion you have and make better choices.  If you were able to do it on your own...you would have.  And to clarify...I'm not saying you haven't wanted to fix these behavior patterns on your own...just that you haven't been able too.  And---most people can't do it without professional help.

MagicGram

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Re: Doing the internal inventory please help
« Reply #13 on: May 10, 2010, 05:22:50 PM »
You clearly asked for advice as to what to do, so I'll oblige, but it's only my opinion, nothing more.  Feel free to disregard.

Wedding shower: yes everything I said about DIL being rude to me at shower was true, but there were things I did wrong that I left out on purpose.  I gave my DIL a very sexxxy inapropriate nighty infront of everyone and I knew her mom was there and grandmother and that DIL would feel foolish and upset by it, I also gave her the wrong size, a XXL.  She is thin but she works hard for it and is sensitive about it and I wanted her to feel bad.  She did and was mad at me.

So you earned her anger.  Don't be surprised that it rebounds on you.  You aren't a victim; she was the victim.  You owe her an apology.  You owe your son an apology and her family.  There's a reason you aren't invited to family gatherings...and this is part of the reason.  You did not make her look foolish, you made yourself look foolish.  Lots of families get both MILs together and celebrate Mother's Day with everyone.  Her family doesn't want to be around you.  Quite frankly had you been charming and kind to their daughter, you might have gone to the winery with them on Sunday; you might have made friends rather than enemies.  All you can do is admit it and apologize. 

Baby shower:  every complaint I had about DIL was true but here is the things I left out, I gave her some really practical but personal gifts that I knew would make her uncomfortable, Nipple cream to open in front of everyone and giant sanitary napkins with belts like I used to wear for after the baby was born, and the rest were nice gifts she wanted.

After the baby was born:  I gave her the gym membership to upset her and make her feel fat and ugly, then when she got upset I told everyone she was crazy and overly sensitive.  I sent out birth anouncement through email so that I would get congratulated, I wanted the attention.

She sees you as a mean, unpleasant person--and when you interact with her you are; she is right.  Being around you causes her pain.  It gives you an opportunity to study her and gather up information that you can twist to use against her; it's a double edged sword.  Not only do you inflict pain on her at the moment, you follow up with another whammy  days/weeks later. 

From her point of view, you can't be trusted with her child.  If you use happy events like showers and the birth of a baby to inflict pain and humiliation, why wouldn't you use her own child to hurt her? 

And you aren't only hurting her, you are hurting your son.  And if you hurt your son when you don't get your way, or don't feel like you are getting enough attention, what's to prevent you from hurting your grandson?  You may say you'd NEVER do that to your beloved grandson, but I bet there was a time when you thought you'd never do that to your own son.  When you were rocking him as a newborn watching his peaceful sleeping trusting face, did you ever think you'd purposefully inflict so much pain and chaos in his life? 

So why wouldn't you hurt your grandson the same way someday when he inevitably disappoints you?  You can't even have much supervised visits with him because you make your DIL so uncomfortable when you are with her. 

What to do about it?  I'd admit to your son and DIL that you understand that they very well may have this concern.  That's it's a well founded concern.  And tell them you are getting therapy so you don't continue the dysfunction into another generation.  And in the meantime, it would mean a lot to you if you would let him visit with you on occasion, understanding that they would want to supervise.  And be humble.  And during the visits demonstrate loving kindness to EVERYONE.  Keep it short and cheerful and baby focused.

Wedding: I offered to pay for alot of things, when the time came and I added up the costs, they were too great for me and I backed out of them three weeks before the wedding.  When her mother told me I was wrong to do that, I told everyone she confronted me and swore at me.  She did not do this.  I lied and made her the bad one.  I told people to give them really cheap gifts and that they did not deserve nice gifts, some people listened to me and did that, some people in my family came to the wedding and drank and ate gave nothing becaue of me.  Now my family looks like the bad ones even years later.

I was sad that my daughter was not in the wedding and complained about it all the time to her face, I asked them to let her do something and when they did not I complained about it all the time.  I told DIL my daughter would be pretty at the wedding the prettiest one there and I hope the bride would not be too jelous of her.  I told her i hated her dress, I did everything I could to slam her and shut her down every minute. 

OMG, this is just awful.  You must confess.  You must confess to your son and your DIL and to her mother and list every single solitary person you said this too and tell them you hatefully lied.  Spend a day on the phone and confess, confess, confess. 

You make such an issue out of gifts, no wonder your DIL falls apart crying whenever you are present at a gift-giving occasion. 

You owe apologies to family.  "I made you look bad, I manipulated you into hurting DIL for me.  I've told her and my son why you did not give a gift and/or why you gave her a cheap gift."  You hurt so many people and damaged so many relationships, that you cannot repair your relationship with your son and DIL without doing this. 

I'm sorry your daughter was not in the wedding.  But it wasn't your wedding or your daughter's wedding to make that decision.  One reason they may have chosen not to include your daughter was because after the antics you pulled at the shower and during the wedding planning, they didn't want to deal with you.  They wanted you to just shut up and wear beige and figured the best chance of that happening was not to include your child. 

It's shocking to me that you complained about it all the time to your daughter's face.  Why would you rub your child's nose in it?  Did you want to create hatred between your son and his sister, between your daughter and her SIL?  What possible good could have come of it. "They don't want you.  You aren't good enough for them.  They are rejecting you."  What on earth were you thinking?  Even if it doesn't matter that you widened the distrust and dislike between siblings, what do you think you were doing to your daughter's self-esteem?   The hurt you inflicted on your child was much worse than anything they did to her by leaving her out of the wedding.  You MUST confess to your daughter and tell her how sorry you are you hurt her that way.  It was so selfish. 

And you have to tell your son and DIL you did this too and how sorry you are; it will help them give your daughter another chance at friendship with them, and will help them understand why your daughter does whatever it is she did that offended them.  Let your husband and your daughter visit without you--healing will work best without your interference. It's in your best interest. If they can get along with your husband and it doesn't hurt them, and they can get along and enjoy your daughter, and it doesn't hurt them, your son and DIL will eventually be inclined to let you back in, hoping that you will have learned and that your husband and daughter will help keep you in line.

Also, having done this to your daughter, you have to understand, that it just strengthens your DIL's resolve to limit your contact with her child.  You treated your child shamefully, she's right not to give you the opportunity to treat her child the same way some day.

And all the pettiness over telling her you hated her dress and criticizing her every move and pretty much doing all you could to extinguish her happiness in her wedding has a lot to do with the fact they don't share holidays with you much, not even Mother's Day.  It's only fair that having ruined your son and DIL's one and only wedding, they ruin your Mother's Days.  You wouldn't let them have their happiness, why should you let them have yours.

As for not paying for the things you promisd to pay for, apologize.  And then stop buying coach purses, and save, save, save, and on their 10th year anniversary, send your son, DIL, GS, and her family on a cruise.  Don't include yourself, and don't talk about it beforehand.  You owe these people.

Day to day things:  I drive by the house and see what is going on when my son is not home, I look for cars that are in the driveway and spend my time trying to figure oout who they belong to.  I talk really badly about her to people I know.  I spoil her with gifts to ease my guilt and make myself look good and generous and get her to like me , when she reacts negative to me or uses me for things I repeat the negative behaviours like al ittle child.  I have done so many many things out of jelousy and spte and anger and hurt feelings I am very ashamed and manipulatieve. 

Stop the driving by the house.  I wondered how you knew she was seeing her exhusband and what she did all the time.  Knock it off.  It's creepy and scary and obsessive.  It speaks to deep wounds in childhood and losses and a crippling lack of nurturing.  If you don't knock it off, you may find one day they've moved and have not left you a forewarding address. 

I'm glad you are in therapy.  Go often, be honest and pay attention.  You said in another thread that one of your son's main complaints is you don't listen.  Start listening.  Chances are you don't listen to others because you think they aren't listening to you.  In fact, I think your response was, "Why should I listen to what they want?  What about what I want?"  The thing is, it's not necessarily their responsibility to listen to you.  It's not the responsibility of our children to provide us with the things that make our lives happy.  That's the job of our spouse, our friends, our peers.  It's your job to fit into their lives with as little problem as possible, not theirs to design their lives around you.  They have each other and a child, and futures and a career that absorb all their attention.  They can't meet your needs.  If you can't meet their needs either, then it's best you are stay away from each other.  (Your grandson cannot meet your needs either).  A therapist can help you to understand this too.

If you let go of your expectations of them, you will end up with more.  It must be scary to contemplate, because traditionally people who behave like you are behaving (and I'm not saying this is your motive), are terrified of loss having lost too much too young, and feel they don't have much to begin with and can't afford to lose so much as an inch more.  And it's an irony of life that the more you let go, the more people gather around you. 

I'm so sorry for your pain.  Much of your pain will go away when you stop inflicting pain on others.

Carmexx

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Re: Doing the internal inventory please help
« Reply #14 on: May 10, 2010, 06:58:55 PM »
Do you think it would be wise to have BettyLou confess everything or apologize for her bad behavior and allow DIL to ask anything she wants and own up to her bad behavior and admit that what she did was with a bad intention once DIL asks about it?