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I am not proud of what I did!

Started by JaneF, November 19, 2012, 02:51:23 pm

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Hello all you wise wonderful women!  It has been quite a while since I last posted, as life seems to be busy!  I just wanted to wish everyone a lovely Thanksgiving for one thing...and then I have to tell what I did.  As some of you know I became a great grandmother in September.  Sad situation due to the fact my grandaughter that gave birth is a 13 year old child herself.  I found out through Facebook.  I only use Facebook for positive things and NEVER say anything ugly or hurtful there.  But I accidentally saw a post from someone and thus I found out about the pregnancy.  The prosecutor refuses to do anything to the father of the baby even though he is 20 years old!  Reason...I am told it is because she consented and lied to him about her age!  Consent at 12 years old?  Are you kidding?  And this child might appear to be 14 or so, but a legal 17...not by a long shot.  Makes me angry, but nothing I can do.  My son and daughter in law have yet to tell me the baby is here. In fact they never mentioned the pregnancy at all.  I was never invited to the baby shower either. Only my DIL's family was allowed at the hospital of course, and I still have not even seen this baby.  Anyway, to tell you what I did I am not proud of!  I was shopping this past weekend with my husband, and I saw my DIL's father as he called out to us and said hi.  It just hit me wrong because I have talked to these people til I am blue in the face about our situation and not being allowed to be involved in their lives.  I honestly had let it all go before the great grandchild arrived, then that just sort of tipped things upside down again.  So, I immediately had an attitude that I am not proud of, but honestly it felt good to FINALLY say what I felt!  This guy said to me that he was at son and DIL's the day before helping him fix a car, but here I get zero EVER.  I said to this man to give them all a message from me!  I am completely done with all of them, for good.  I said it is too bad some people think there is only one side to a family and they refuse to consider the others, but I refuse to be treated like that anymore, so as far as I am concerned they are out of my life.  I know some may think me awful for this, but some will understand that I have to do what is best for me and my health!  Some will say that I will never have a relationship with them now...but I did not have one already, so I guess the only thing I accomplished was to make myself feel better and to let them know we will not take what they dish anymore.  It felt great!  That is typically not like me at all.  I spoke to this mans girlfriend, or soon to be ex as she told me.  I told her what I had said to him, and she said she has told him that their relationship is over because of the strange way that family treats other people.  She said he allowed his daughters and ex wife to treat her badly (one of them is my DIL).  Good for her to put her foot down and get rid of him!  On a good note, I am feeling a lot lighter today.  My grandaughter and I set up 2 Christmas trees this year since she wanted to decorate her own!  I have "adopted" other children who do not get much as Christmas time, and we already got them gifts and they are wrapped and under the tree.  I donated to the box at the store for children in the childrens home.  Trying to teach grandaughter that giving and sharing is a good thing to do.  My husband and I also invited a few people for Thanksgiving  who have very little, and no other family to share holidays with.  They appreciate it a great deal, and we are glad to have them!  They were already asked for Christmas as well.  So blessings to all of you, and know we all have a right not to allow others to treat us badly!!!!  Now I can return to my usual self and have the smile on my face!   J


Hi JF - Good to hear from you. How you feel after that experience seems to me to be the indicator of whether it was "right" for you or not. I myself...am proud of you! Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


JaneF, glad to hear from you and glad you're feeling better about things! I'm sure all of us wish, at one time or another, for a chance to say our piece. You did what you had to do. I love how you're making the holidays brighter for others. WTG!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


You said what you had to say!  There are times when we have to stand our ground and be firm.  Good luck with your Christmas and I think you are giving a wonderful lesson to your Granddaughter.   Many years a recovering alcoholic adopted me for Christmas - he would pop round for a cup of tea in the morning and then come back later for the meal!  Maybe I ought to take a leaf out of your book and think about those less fortunate this year.  Thank you for the idea xx


Thanks as always for your kind responses.  Giving and doing for those less fortunate is good for the soul.  THAT to me is the true spirit of the holidays.  And yes, I am thinking it is a wonderful lesson for my grandaughter, and she honestly is a sweet young lady, so maybe the lessons have paid off!  She is friendly to others and and does not like bullying.  I may have felt bad for losing my cool, although I did not rant and rave and use bad language while doing it.  But on the other hand I do not feel bad that I finally said what I was feeling about the situation.  It more than likely will not have an affect on the issues, but I did not do it with the thought that it would be a fix...I only did it to express that I am finished with waiting for them to consider the feelings of this side of the family.  It will probably never happen!  But I am okay with that because I know I did all I could.  If my son has regrets about it all later in his life (if), then I guess he will just have to with that then.  The rest of us will have a great time for the holidays.  We are trying to decide on some games to play that will allow the children to participate...any suggestions?  Oh I almost forgot to tell you something!  In the last few months we have adopted two shelter dogs!  Two girls to add to the rescue kitty we have now had several years, and the last remaining guinea pig!  We are enjoying the dogs a lot as we adopted adults, not puppies.  Less training required that way.  They all get along nicely, except the kitty does tend to let them know SHE rules here as queen!  lol   Blessings to all....J


I sit here with one of my rescue cats, she wants to sit in exactly the spot I am sitting.  She isn't a lap cat but she is a very affectionate cat in different ways.  The other one is parked on my bed.    ;D

My DS is supposed to be visiting me today but he hasn't given a time - that is so typical!  Of course he will come alone and I have made a promise to myself that if he shows up I will not talk about my DIL to him.  He can enjoy his position on the fence! If he doesn't show up, then I still have the company of my cats.

I totally agree with your concept of Christmas.  There is a tiny nagging thought in my head that says it is also a time for 'truce' but of course that needs both sides to agree, and that is simply not going to happen - so instead of a nagging thought I must turn it into a passing thought. 

You have certainly inspired me! 

I have decided to volunteer to help out with the Christmas festivals at the local University where they have lots of overseas students who for one reason or another do not go home over that period.

Games to play?  Best ask the children!  They will have the ideas ... lots of them ... and mostly energetic ones!   ;) 

I understand that your comments were not intended to fix anything  - it was just something that needed saying.  But now that it has been said, you can move on and start your life from a position you have chosen - rather than exist in one that had been chosen for you.  And if your son regrets anything - that is his problem to deal with when the time comes. 

My parents had a similar issue with their DIL and my brother.  When mum and dad died I found a pile of Christmas presents for my brother, his wife and the children in the wardrobe - that shook my brother to the core, he had no idea of the hurt he had caused.  He now has to live with that fact.   


You have my sympathy for your GD and GGC.  I think the legal system is SERIOUSLY broken when a 20 yo can get away with having sex with a 12 yo.  There's a reason it's called "statuatory rape."  Statuatory - by statute or law.  Regardless of her "consent" and appearance, she was raped.  I hope she and the GGC can overcome the serious hurdles they face. 

I think you said what you needed to say, but said them to the wrong person.  Your issue is with DS/DIL not DIL's father.  It's not his place to play messenger and chances are he won't relay the message at all or will relay it badly.  This probably won't matter for DS/DIL, but this could (not definitely, but just possibly) be a hurdle you have with GD down the line. 

You seem to have come up with a good solution for dealing with the holidays.  That is awesome.  Enjoy your dogs.  There's a reason they are man's (and often woman's) best friend. 


Hello!  I guess I did not state clearly exactly the reason I did choose to say what I did to my DIL's father...sorry.  I know for a FACT he will run to them as fast as he can go to tell them what I said...thus my reason for saying it...I wanted them to get that message!  lol  And as far as any hurdle it may cause with my DIL????  After almost 14 years of dealing with the pain and hurt she has cause our family, it is HER that will have hurdles if she ever wants a relationship with me.  I honestly have finally gotten to the point that I do not wish to ever have a relationship with her.  You cannot really reason with a person who does not think clearly due to abuse of a certain pill for one thing, and for another thing, her entire family has flawed thinking!  Let me give you an example...My DIL's grandfather is a pastor.  When my DIL's parents were having marital problems (before they eventually divorced), the pastor referred them to a different pastor for marriage counseling.  Well when this other pastor told the parties that DIL's mother was partly at fault for marital problems due to her extra-marital affairs...the grandfather told them not to go back to that counselor because he was a bad counselor!  See, in that families eyes, their own can NEVER be wrong or at fault for anything.  You can't have real relationships with people like that.  The wife of grandpa pastor even stated that the gal having the affairs (over age 40) did not know any better so it is not her fault!  Are you kidding me?  I'm pretty sure if you were raised by a pastor there were probably discussions about "THOU SHALL NOT".  Thanks for allowing me to explain.  I am back to my old self again.  After saying my peace, and coming to the conclusion it isn't going to change...I'm okay with it.  I already knew anyway, but had never ever said what I felt, and it felt good to at least voice it.  Have a most wonderful Thanksgiving!!!  I plan to as well.   J


 You are right in saying that the hurdles belong to your DIL.  I also agree that the attitude of her family is very blinkered to say the least!  But, now you have said your piece and the message has most likely been passed along to your DIL, the relationship is now well and truly severed.  You no longer have to second guess them or put up with any hurt from them.  Now you are living your life as you wish and looking forward to Christmas. 

I wish I could take a leaf out of your book!  My DIL blocked me on Facebook last week and informed everyone that she has blocked 'someone' because she does not see or talk to them and it is 'no biggy' to do such a thing. It was a big thing to me because it was my way of finding out how the kids were getting on.  It also felt like yet another slap in the face.

My son did not come round on the day he was supposed to, he came round this evening and instead of me zipping my lips about her, I pointed out that he is also responsible because he is just a capable of bringing the children round to see me as she was.  I also said that this year he and the kids are welcome to visit me over Christmas but I will not be cooking dinner for them because it is obvious she won't be among them.  Instead I will prepare a very nice buffet kind of spread.   I explained to him that sometimes people just can't get along and this is one of those kinds of relationships, so I can't force her to like me and I am not going to apologize yet again just for her to find something else to get angry about.  I accept that I can be too enthusiastic about being the granny and overloading them with stuff and this can be a bit too much for DIL to handle (like putting them up for  weeks whilst she was having a 'nervous breakdown' or lending them a huge amount of money, finding them somewhere local to live ????) and I realize that my actions are not always received in the way they were intended.  He said he didn't want to get involved.  Easy life!! 

He has just managed to get a casual labor job and was bragging about it.  I told him that my DH will not be getting anymore overtime at work so his money will plummet and my hours have been reduced - so this Christmas will be very low key with regards to presents.  "Well we have got you something ... it was cheap so reciprocate with a cheap present for us" was his reply - and there was me thinking that he might say something like: OK we will do our best to pay up the money we owe you!!

I am so glad you are back to your old self - I have yet to find out who I am.  But after reading your story I feel much better about my situation because you have shown that despite the hurt and pain, we can pick ourselves up, dust ourselves down and carry on!  Thank you for that. 

May your inner peace remain with you for a very long time xx


Thank you froggy, and I'm things sorry you have dealt with similar issues.  Yes I am also happy to be back to my normal self, but once in a blue moon I honestly get sad about the fact that there are some people who simply will never ever compromise or even attempt to be accepting of others.  It really only takes away from my grandchildren and great grandchild because I have always felt that the more people there are to love a child...the better off they are!  Unless of course you are one who does things to harm child or be negative, they do not need that junk around them!  I am so excited right now as a couple of my grandsons will be arriving within the next few minutes!  They will be here with their mom and step father (who at this point seem to be doing well!!!).  They will be staying here until at least Friday so we can enjoy each other for a while.  We are going to have a big spread tomorrow and play games.  Hooray!  It is 71 degrees here today, which is very rare for this time of the year...maybe we will go outside and let the little ones run about!  That will be a nice way to introduce them to the two adopted dogs we recently got.  I wish you a great holiday. And I must admit I know how you feel about your son sticking his head in the sand and not trying to get his wife to be more fair...I also feel that way, but NEVER do I say that to him.  He told others that he has to do this in order to please her and not anger her...how sad for her to be like that.  He chooses to give up relationship with parents, siblings, nieces and nephews to keep her happy...he must live with his choices however. Blessings to all here, you are all awesome!  J


I too did something of which I am not proud.  We had all our children and grandchildren over for Thanksgiving, however, we had my daughter and son-in-law and grandson staying with us for 5 days from out of town.  I was tired of my daughter and her husband not helping out and allowing my grandson to run wild, but worse of all I was and remain upset that my son-in-law has not worked in 5 years or longer, yet he controls my daughter and her income.  She is a teacher. He is very lazy, raised by two alcoholics, and acts entitled to everything.  He is also quite miserly.  Anyway, at the end of the evening on Thanksgiving, after my husband and I cleaned up the dishes, my daughter wanted to begin eating again.  I sort of snapped and said, " We've been working nonstop since 6:00 a.m., if you want to eat again, use paper plates and clean up after yourselves!"  I said it with a mean tone.  It wasn't that I didn't want everyone to have seconds, but I was upset that the ones who stayed with us did not even offer to help out.  Unfortunately I snapped and took it out on everyone. I feel terrible about this.  Later, I wrote to my daughter and tried to explain to her how I did not like it when she invited the family over earlier than I told them all to come; she was well aware that I did not want everyone to come until 1:00 in the afternoon.  I know that she wanted to visit, but I had so much to do and felt overwhelmed.  She never even offered to help with anything, neither did her husband.  They were fighting the whole time too.  But now my daughter is angry at me and says that an orderly home is more important to me than my family.  This is not true at all.  I love my family, but I need help when I have everyone over.  We have now both said mean things to one another.  I feel terrible about all of this.


Welcome - I. My take is that your reaction may not have been about what it looked like it was about. It may have been the last straw when you were too tired to play the game. I have done that kind of meltdown in similar circumstances. I vividly remember the last time I did it...23 years ago. My son told me he would deal with it one more time and then he was done. I had gone on overwhelm about something and brought out my "laundry list." He was right and I have learned to deal with whatever comes up for me, either directly or on my own, at the time it happens and not let it pile up. Sounds to me like you may need to set some boundaries and learn to maintain them. Hope this helps...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Thanks for taking the time to write me back.  You know, these particular folks are not easy to talk to or set boundaries with.  They don't like boundaries.  I asked my grandson not to bring all of his toys up from the basement while we had a house full of company.  I told him just to take up one toy because we were going to have about 19 people over, including 2 of my other grand babies.  At this request, which I felt was reasonable, his mother, my daughter, accused me of consigning the kids to the basement!  This was not true at all.  The basement is finished and has things in it for the kids to enjoy, but we also have a playground in the backyard, especially for  the children.  Neighborhood kids also come around to play.  I just didn't want my guests to have to wade through a mess of toys.  I stuck to my guns and he didn't bring a bunch of toys up, but as you can see, my daughter got defensive at such a reasonable request or boundary.  It's no limits for them!


There probably aren't many who like boundaries but in most situations, they are necessary and often a given. Good for you for setting them and for maintaining them. I'm sorry you were met with opposition in your own home but/and with some adult children we're darned if we do and darned if we don't. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


How right you are!  Thanks for the affirmation. . . much appreciated; o )