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son says he is done with me!

Started by bettylou, May 10, 2010, 09:50:34 am

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I just got off the phone with my son a little while ago.  I am so devestated that I do not know if I can write this and have it make sense.  My heart is broken!  My son called me when he had spare time from work and told me about the text messages from my daughter.  I let him tell me the whole story and I was gagging and crying, then he said, "it was you mom wasn't it?"  I said yes and just sobbed I asked him how he knew it and he said he did not know it, that DIL told him she knew it was me and that I was sick and a manipulative b word!  I cried and said I was so so sorry and that I am bad and I am ashamed and I love him and grandson so much.  He told me I should be ashamed, that he is ashamed of me, that this proves that DIL has always been rigth when she told him I was passive aggressive and cruel and manipulative!  I just cried and cried and said I was so sorry.  I asked him what could I do to make it right?  He said he and DIL talked about it and that there is nothing I can do for now.  I asked him if I will ever see him and grandson again, he said probably not for years whith the DIL felt about me.  I asked him if he would still see his dad he said yes and I asked him about my daughter seeing  him, he told me maybe in years when she is out of the house and away from me, but DIL and he would not put up with me using daughter to have a relationship with them.  I am so hurt I told him my heart is broken and I hate what I did and they had every right to be mad but working it out was the answer not shunning.  He calmed down and said he loved me and he would call his dad later and talk to him about it.  My husband will hopefully be able to reason with him.  I hate what I did!  I was so wrong.  I want my family togethor!


I can see where your son is upset...but cutting you off is not the answer. His wife was completely right? Punish you forever? Sheesh
To me you just want time with your family together.
I hope your husband understands and can talk reasonably to your son. 


Well, I can't say that this is a surprising development.  It was a manipulative and pass/aggressive  move. 

Emotions are running high, and I think the only thing you can do at this point is be patient and show them that you are capable of acting more maturely.  As cliche as it sounds, actions really do speak louder than words.  Good luck.


May 10, 2010, 10:08:03 am #3 Last Edit: May 10, 2010, 10:23:19 am by cremebrulee
I can understand your son being upset....but what I can't understand, is the fact that he doesn't see why you did it....and yes, you did prove DIL right in this instance, but does that mean she is right about everything?  NO!  And what I mean to say, is, does your son sit and contemplate why his mother would do this?  No, it wasn't right, but what drove you to do this...it would speak volumns to me, if this was my mother and she did this, she did it, for attention, why?  Was it right no....however, when people become desperate, they do things that are not logical...or always the right thing to do....

I do think you need to go to counseling...I really and sincerely do...b/c your going to learn how to deal with things and react differently....but you need professional help with this....son is not right either....if he would have spent some quality Mother time with you, perhaps it would not be this bad....

But I am also wondering....and you need to admit this to yourself privately, not here...but please, for your own good...have you been manipulative?  Are some of the things they are saying true?  In order for you to come out of this, and make things right, you are going to have to be honest with yourself and face your bad faults, and we all have them....and maybe your DIL is wrong, this is something that only you know the answers to....but if your wrong, you need to take ownership for it, and be sincerely sorry....or I fear in the future, you will only end up hurting yourself....

Ask yourself, what did that mistake get you...more trouble....and, to boot, it does make your son ashamed...and probably will hurt your husband....

You have to realize, dear lady, that your reactions to things are going to effect others either in a negative way or a positive way, and then make a choice...for your own good....for your own mental health and your relationships with your family in the future.

Please be patient and learn from this...nothing happens overnight...but I do believe this can be worked out.

Please know I care....


Let this whole situation for BettyLou be a reminder that we should never act/speak/write/email/text when we are mad or are hurting.  I learned the hard way that acting out while hurt or mad can only make a situation get worse.


This event is going to have to work itself out over time.  All concerned have open, bleeding heart wounds...which are going to need some time to start healing.  Get started working on your own behaviors with that counselor, so you have the grace period to get some healing in place.


You also have to understand that he doesn't have a leg to stand on with his wife anymore.  As far as their concerned, she *IS* completely RIGHT.  This is a concrete example where she is right, it was a heinous act, which, if you're capable of doing it once, means you can do it again, and have likely done it before.

Just like the expression "once a cheater, always a cheater".  I think only a very special, open-minded person will be able to get over this, and you will have to show continued humble remorse, for a LONG time.   Years probably.  There will be no "I've apologized, can't they just forgive me?"   Because forgiveness or not, this will not be forgotten.

You should be encouraging your DH and DD to side with DS. You were wrong.  Completely wrong.  And you might have to spend the next few holidays alone, letting your DH and DD spend time with DS, with NO guilt tripping, before they believe you've changed at all.


I have to say that, to the victim of an abuser, WHY the abuse was inflicted is completely irrelevant.  Your son and DIL really do not need to understand your point of view right now, because regardless of WHY you did those things, you did them.  There is no "working things out" with someone who cannot control their actions and who is deliberately manipulative and hurtful.   You may not like the "shunning," but your DS and DIL need some time to heal.  They don't hate you, but they are shocked at how ill you are, and by what you are capable of.  You are not simply a mother who wants to see her family, you are an abuser.  Please understand this, because until you do, you have no hope of a relationship with your DS, DIL and GKs.  There is no excuse or justification whatsoever for what you have done, and as soon as you understand that, you may make some headway in healing from your own pain and difficulties.  I have no doubt whatsoever that you have had some horrible experiences in your life, and that you are a person in great pain.  But no matter how great your pain, it does not excuse or justify the pain you have inflicted on your DS and his family, as well as on your DH and DD.  You are simply not allowed to do that to other people, regardless of how bad you yourself are feeling. 
This too shall pass.  All is well.