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Son In Law is rude to me

Started by ChrissyF, November 16, 2012, 06:58:25 am

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 My son-in-law is a pretty good guy all around well he was at first when he was trying to impress me, but he has treated me very differently lately.  I did talk to him before they were married and told them they should wait but HE said he didn't want to do that, they barely knew each other.   I think that my daughter is pretty happy with him so I don't want to say anything to get in the way of that, they have only been married two years.  I am a very spiritual person and have raised my children to abide in the Lord and I have been happy to see them grow up and live their lives morally and responsibly.    It really started last Christmas Eve when my family came from Church service of which my children have always honored my christmas gift to go to church with me (because they usually don't) and then we have a beautiful candle light prayer service at home and then crab dinner keeping it spiritual.  I We have always looked forward to it and they can hardly wait. Last year was the first time my son in law came and he brought his son  (my daughters step son) who was making a lot of problems and throwing temper tantrums.  He comes through the door when we all in a very spiritual place and was loud angry, swearing at his exwife on the phone and trying to bring attention to himself (my son in law). And it just kept going on until I asked to please table it for a while because this house was sacred tonight.  It ruined my evening.  You can tell he was not happy and him and his son sat with angry faces not talking to anyone, very immature.   My daughter just kept eating as if she was unaware of it or used to it.  On Christmas Day we open the house up and there is lots of fun and activities and I go out of my way to fix food, clean the house make special presents, etc.   This year my son-in-law when I come into their home or he comes to mine barely says two words to me.   I always greet and say hello and he says nothing to me and it really hurts my feelings.  I can't stand to go over there any longer. I thought it was a one time thing, but its all the time.  I know i shouldn't care or be dependent on how others people feel but it leaves me feeling rejected and disrespected.   I am forced into his family gatherings which are dreadful to say the least.  But I do it with a smile on my face.  Christmas Eve is coming up and now instead allowing anyone to take away my spiritual life, I decided not to have them come over for dinner and just not do Christmas Eve.  Our family tradition is ruined.   I don't know if I should talk to my daughter about her husbands behavior towards me, I get the feeling she doesn't see it.   Any advice out there is appreciated. 


C - Welcome. I have moved your post. "Open Me First" is where you go to read the three posts I have put there to help new members decide if WWU is a fit or not. Please return there...it is at the top of the Home Page...and read the three posts there for "newbies." The Forum Agreement is something that those who decide to stay, abide by and there is also help there with posting and abbreviations. I'm sure you will hear from other members regarding what you have run up against with your SIL. I know how hard it is for many of us, certainly it was for me, to combine well established families into a workable extended family. What I learned at a pretty high price, personally, when I hit something similar, was not to judge. That's what I tripped over. I had what I thought were pretty reasonable expectations. I still think they were...but they weren't honored, much less met. They were mine and it took a long time for me to let them go and get that whatever was going on was about my son and DIL and their relationship, not me, and were their issue(s) to addresss and resolve in their own time frame. Much of it wasn't resolved, as far as I could tell. There are others here have had a more positive experience. I'm hoping you do, too. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Welcome CF.  I echo what Luise said.  It's very hard to let go of what "how it's always been" and traditions that we shared with our children.  It's normal for us to think that they will want to continue with the traditions, but that's not always so.  Once they are adults, they get to decide what traditions they want to participate in.  The good news is, you get to make choices to.  If SIL disrespects you at his family gatherings, then you don't have to go either.

I'm treading carefully here, because although it's ok that in order to relate your story, you had to state your beliefs, but we are very careful here to not delve to far into religion out of respect for our diverse group.  I would personally not let anyone ruin or interfere with a tradition, such as yours, that you have always enjoyed.  I know that's hard because it's always been a "family" event for you, but it still can be wonderful and you should do it because it's important to you.  To me, when it comes to my beliefs, that's what's important.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


I strongly urge saying nothing to DD.  Either she didn't like her DH's behavior and already addressed it or she didn't mind/wants to ignore it, and you bringing it up will put her on the defensive.  You've found your own solution.  To keep the spiritual element to Christmas eve, you need to do this without DD and SIL.  It may not be your preferred way, but it looks like the only way.  The hard part is to make the change to your tradition and not be resentful about it.  Good luck.