Author Topic: Sometimes I always seem to just come out like the bad guy.....  (Read 3086 times)

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Birdy

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Just some background story.  My MIL has cancer and has been yet to give time frame yet from her doctor.  Although that have classified her with a stage and with our research has shown anywhere from 5-7 years (I know this can change and such).  I don't think this is her last mother's day at all, but I felt like I had to put it out there in case DH wanted to go up and was looking for an okay from me.  I also think a lot of the time I don't really have an MIL problem, I have a DH problem.

I reminded DH last week to order the flowers for his mom for sunday and I asked if he got a card.  He said no - so I went out and got the card and made him sign it and got it in the mail. 

Anway, Saturday morning DH is all kind of moody and I finally had enough and asked him what is wrong to which he tells me he feels bad that his mom won't be with either his brother or him on mother's day.  So I said if YOU want to go up - go ahead I won't stop you - she is your mom.

Well this turned into a huge arguement in which somehow I became the bad guy because I will use every excuse in the book to get out of going to their house.   

Which is so not true.  The fact is the ILS house is unsafe for our children.  Our pedi said NO to bring them to the house for a short or long visit.  MIL own doctor told her that in her condition she shouldn't be in that house - it is unhealthy.  So in order for us to go up as a family, we need to coordinate our visit's with my BIL.  We are able to stay at their house depending on their schedule.  Some times it doesn't work out that we can all stay and therefore DH will go up and visit and spend the night at BIL, as one is much easier to handle then 5.

So I said to my DH we are going to drive up to their house (it's a 3 hour drive 1 way) and do what???  We can't go in the house and visit.  I can't see taking 3 kids, 2 of which are still very young - 15 months to be exact to a dinner or such, especially after they had been in a car for 3 hours.  That would be just looking for trouble.

He suggested contacting his brother & wife to see if they were available to host us.  I was a bit upset that he even suggested this, because they have a child also and I am sure that they already had plans (they saw MIL on saturday and did dinner and such).  I said I didn't feel comfortable putting them in that position - but he could feel free to make the call, but I still wasn't going as I would be staying home with my children to celebrate the day.  He wanted me to call BIL and ask and since I didn't feel comfortable doing that I told him as much and told him he could call.  He didn't

I would not have been mad if he went, it's his mom and she is sick, but somehow during the arguement it became my issue and my problem that I don't want to go up and that I do everything to avoid visit's to his sick mom.

I am getting tired of always feeling like the bad guy on this.  I really felt like I tried to do something nice and it just backfired in my face and then I feel like why should I even bother.

I don't even know if anyone can offer any insite - I just needed to get this off my chest.

All I was trying to do was be a nice, supportive wife and in the end he made me feel like I was the bad guy.


cremebrulee

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Re: Sometimes I always seem to just come out like the bad guy.....
« Reply #1 on: May 10, 2010, 07:39:45 AM »
Birdy, what does your MIL having cancer, have to do with an unhealthy enviornment for you kids to be in?  I don't understand...?  Does she have something else that is contageous?

Birdy

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Re: Sometimes I always seem to just come out like the bad guy.....
« Reply #2 on: May 10, 2010, 07:51:59 AM »
Birdy, what does your MIL having cancer, have to do with an unhealthy enviornment for you kids to be in?  I don't understand...?  Does she have something else that is contageous?

Creme - she doesn't have anything contageous.  DH kept reminding me that she has cancer and that we now never will know when or if it might be her last mother's day.

I will not budge on going to the house as I must protect my children.  The condition of the house could be deadly to them.  I can't control how they choose to live, but I can control my children.

I even told DH that the condition of his parent's house was not my fault.  I did not make it this way nor did I allow it to happen they did.

We went around and around on this for a good part of Saturday and like I said somehow it became my issue and how I find ever reason under the sun not to go up to visit his parents.

I just don't know what to do, we just started down this path and I don't feel like we are handling it very well.  I am trying to be understanding, I am trying to be there for him and be his sounding board and be supportive.

Birdy

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Re: Sometimes I always seem to just come out like the bad guy.....
« Reply #3 on: May 10, 2010, 10:29:08 AM »
Hi Birdy.  Can I ask what the condition of their house is.  I totally understand not wanting to take your children there if it is indeed bad for their health.

Hi Anna:

The house has mold.  It has been confirmed and it doesn't look like it is a small issue.  They don't understand the severity of it.  They don't understand that for babies it can be deadly.  They don't understand that I am allergic to mold and so is their son, which if it was just the 2 of us I would suck it up and deal with it, but not when it comes to my children's health.

They are actually talking about delaying her treatment because her cancer doctor told her that she shouldn't be in the house now, but she can't be in the house during her treatment nor should she be around any construction. 


Birdy

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Re: Sometimes I always seem to just come out like the bad guy.....
« Reply #4 on: May 10, 2010, 10:43:48 AM »
Oh that is too bad & I totally understand not wanting your children in that enviroment.  I'm a little surprised that your hubby would want to take your children there knowing about the mold situation. I'm allergic to mold too, & sometimes people without allergies don't understand how big of an issue it really is.   Is there someplace else that you could visit with his parents?

We normally will coordinate with his brother & family who live about half hour away from his parents.  Then his parents come over to BIL house.

But sometimes it doesn't always work - they have plans or things they need to get done, which I understand and in those cases I tell DH to go up by himself.  He will then stay at BIL and visit at his parents.  It is easier for them at those times to accomdate 1 person then 5 and a dog!

Was I wrong it telling him to go see his mom by himself?  I thought I was trying to be fair.

I could see he wanted to go, but to go with the kids and have no place to meet other then a resturant after having 3 kids under 3 in car seats for 3 hours (wow lots of 3's:) I felt like it was asking for problems.

We are going up this upcomming weekend - arrangements were made weeks ago to visit.

cremebrulee

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Re: Sometimes I always seem to just come out like the bad guy.....
« Reply #5 on: May 10, 2010, 10:47:44 AM »
Birdy, what does your MIL having cancer, have to do with an unhealthy enviornment for you kids to be in?  I don't understand...?  Does she have something else that is contageous?

Creme - she doesn't have anything contageous.  DH kept reminding me that she has cancer and that we now never will know when or if it might be her last mother's day.

I will not budge on going to the house as I must protect my children.  The condition of the house could be deadly to them.  I can't control how they choose to live, but I can control my children.

I even told DH that the condition of his parent's house was not my fault.  I did not make it this way nor did I allow it to happen they did.

We went around and around on this for a good part of Saturday and like I said somehow it became my issue and how I find ever reason under the sun not to go up to visit his parents.

I just don't know what to do, we just started down this path and I don't feel like we are handling it very well.  I am trying to be understanding, I am trying to be there for him and be his sounding board and be supportive.

what he said to you was not right, but perhaps, as you already have considered, he is upset, and you are his sounding board, punching bag, as there are many stages a person goes thru emotionally when something like this happens....and maybe what he's saying is, "Your being unreasonable, the woman is living on borrowed time, perhaps you could make an exception"....?  who knows...but he's probably thinking  all kinds of things right now, and not realistically or fairly....

hugs
creme

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Sometimes I always seem to just come out like the bad guy.....
« Reply #6 on: May 10, 2010, 09:07:26 PM »
Could someone you trust come in and sit with the children; a friend or a professional so the two of you could go and meet his parents off site and away for the mold and then head right back home?
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Birdy

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Re: Sometimes I always seem to just come out like the bad guy.....
« Reply #7 on: May 11, 2010, 06:53:39 AM »
Could someone you trust come in and sit with the children; a friend or a professional so the two of you could go and meet his parents off site and away for the mold and then head right back home?

We have had people who have offered to watch the kids, and then they realize how much work is involved with taking care of 3 little ones.  So normally then they are only willing to help an hour or two and not all day, which is what we would need to see his parents.

It has also been very hard for us to fine a babysitter that is willing to watch 3 kids.  It seems like as soon as I tell them that their are 3 of them and that 2 of them are the same age they back out.

We are both (DH & I) hoping that as the kids get older friends & babysitters a like would be willing to watch the kids.

DDM

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Re: Sometimes I always seem to just come out like the bad guy.....
« Reply #8 on: May 11, 2010, 10:31:14 AM »
I'm sorry to hear about your MIL. These situations are never easy to cope with. Please, don't beat yourself up about this. You were being very supportive. I suspect your DH (for his own reasons) really did not want to visit with his mother but was conflicted - so to ease his guilt, he put it on you. I can tell you that although my DH is strong and reliable in every other area - dealing with serious illness' is very difficult for him. He doesn't know what to say or how to act around people who a terminally ill. It makes him extremely uncomfortable. I think a lot of people are like that and I'm sure that is why your DH felt he 'needed' you to be with him. It might be a good idea to get your DH talking about his mother's condition and the emotional impact as things progress.

I wish you and your family well.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Sometimes I always seem to just come out like the bad guy.....
« Reply #9 on: May 11, 2010, 12:28:59 PM »
I don't know about where you live, but we have professional, licensed sitters here that are trained to come to the house and work with multiple babies. It might give you a well-earned break. Here's hoping! Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pen

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Re: Sometimes I always seem to just come out like the bad guy.....
« Reply #10 on: May 11, 2010, 11:50:38 PM »
Hi, Birdy. I totally understand your feelings about the moldy house and your children's safety. It's very frustrating to deal with the logistics of keeping everyone safe and happy while you deal with critical issues. My DD has severe allergies which limit where she can go, and there are many things we just can't do. You sound like a very thoughtful DIL, wife & mom. Best wishes to you and your family.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Birdy

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Re: Sometimes I always seem to just come out like the bad guy.....
« Reply #11 on: May 12, 2010, 05:39:26 AM »
Thanks Ladies for all your insite.

I am afraid that we got some really bad news last night.  They re-classified her yesterday .  Initially she was told she was in Stage 1, but now  they told her that she was between stage 2 & 3 - closer to 3.  There are only 3 stages of this cancer.

We don't know much more because she was upset - which is so understandable.  But since we are going up this weekend she said that we would have a family meeting.

DH says right now he is detacted.  I went to offer him comfort last night after he got off the phone and ended up crying and he ended up giving me the comfort.

It is going to be a rough weekend.

Offline Scoop

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Re: Sometimes I always seem to just come out like the bad guy.....
« Reply #12 on: May 12, 2010, 06:13:54 AM »
Oh Birdy!  I'm so sorry.

Don't underestimate the comfort and joy that children can bring.  I'm so glad that you had already decided to go this weekend. 

As an idea, can you bring a craft or something the kids can do, with or without MIL, to keep them occupied and maybe make a memento for MIL.  For some reason I'm thinking of those stir & pour garden stones, with the kids and MIL's handprints on it.  Or else a teddy bear that they can colour on, for her to keep and give her comfort.  Or even cupcakes, if that's more your style.  Be sure to give the camera to DH.

I think that your life is going to get harder before it gets easier for the next while.  Be strong.

Also - can I suggest that you make up your mind about how much you're willing to give and (sometime next week or so) discuss it with DH.  I would be more generous with your plans NOW, with the reasoning that you want the kids to make GOOD memories with MIL.  It will be harder and harder for them to see MIL as she declines.  She will have less patience for the noise and *energy* of 3 little kids, and you won't want them to remember her as "sickly".

Again, I'm so sorry.

cremebrulee

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Re: Sometimes I always seem to just come out like the bad guy.....
« Reply #13 on: May 12, 2010, 07:03:24 AM »
Dear Birdy
I'm so sorry to hear about this...she and the family must be devestated...please know your all in my thoughts and prayers....

Hugs
Creme

Birdy

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Re: Sometimes I always seem to just come out like the bad guy.....
« Reply #14 on: May 12, 2010, 07:13:25 AM »
Scoop - good idea - I will run out to AC Moore this afternoon and see if I can find something for Grandma & the kids to do.  Thanks you ladies for you kind words.

One of the things that came up last night is doing a family vacation.  Disney was mentioned - I nicely said to DH last night - that I will go along with whatever, but I am not sure if Disney is a great idea.  It is exhausting to move around Disney and she might not be able to handle that.

A couple other places were mentioned, so we shall see.

I suggested perhaps just renting a house for a week by a lake or something, where MIL can just sit and relax and watch the kids play and such.  Nothing stressful and full of tons of activity.

I told DH that I would go along with whatever.

I am glad that we are also going up this weekend and I am going to assume that either as a family or DH will be going up a lot in the upcoming months.