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To have a funeral or not have a funeral?

Started by cdb19, November 11, 2012, 10:56:32 pm

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My mom who is in an assited living with latter stage alzheimers doesn't know me anymore. She still lives 2 hours north. Her attorney told me to put money aside for her funeral asap. I did plan a funeral for her after my dad died almost 2 years ago. I did prepay for her cremation, which I had to go to court for due to my estranged brothers causing problems. This was a year ago November 10th.
It is not illegal to not invite my brothers or tell them when she passes. I was going to get her burined asap. Tombstone and plot are paid for.
The attorney just said it won't look good to the judge if my mom's estate goes to court after 3 years and he knows how spiteful my brothers have been. They don't even call the place my mom is at etc. I had to almost get a restraining order on the one that was not disinherited this summer when he said he was coming to this state to see her. He is a compulsive liar and seems to be a sociopath. My dad warned me before he passed on, but he is still in mom's will. Both brothers were shown her will when I had to go to court last year.
I will put money in an account for a funeral, but....I feel I need to plan things when I am still able to. Losing mom will be a shock,,,I am still in delayed grief over my dad.
I wanted a memorial with just my 2 grown kids. I ran the idea by them. But, the one daughter/husband are still not being respectful of me. I never know if or when I will ever see my granddaughters and she is pregnant again. She has made it known that her husband doesn't like me since she moved in with him.  I have dealt with that, but my son and his family will be respectful and supportive, but my daughter and spouse are unpredictable as far are respect.
Her kids run all over the place and do whatever they want,,even have gone to church area where a minister is preaching.
I need to grieve. My mom would be furious at my daughter if she were in her right mind. She would want me to be healthy and not get sick, or sicker than I am.
But, I want to do something. My dad was not happy with my daughter before he died. She never even came to see him with is great grandkids the month he was in the hospital. He knew how my heart was so broken from how she had treated me and not let me see my grandchildren.
Any ideas or suggestions?


I think that I would keep this simple.  The feelings you have for your siblings and other family members are irrelevant (and I get this as I also have family members who are hostile).  Nonetheless, I feel that attending a funeral should be a personal decision of every person who knew the "dear departed".  So, if I might, I would suggest a graveside celebration of her life - I would have it advertised in the papers or internet or however news of a death is "advertised" in your area - and whoever feels the need to celebrate your mother's life will be present.  What each person/group decides to do after the service could be left to spontaneity.

As for the will - that decision has already been made.


My take is that those who look at everything you do in a negative manner will find fault no matter what you do. Where I live, we don't do graveside services because of the rain. A few go but very few, usually. Most publish in the newspaper that the funeral will be held at the funeral parlor prior to burial, giving the date and time and stating it is open to the public. Then a private memorial is held in someones home and the life of the loved one celebrated. Any number of such celebrations can be held. They are unofficial and guests are invited selectively. When a church service is carried out...it is also open to the public. Customs vary, along with the weather.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Thanks for your input. A main problem is that my brother has shown that a restraining order may need to be put on him, with me at my dad's funeral and at the assisted living where my mom is.
My medical and mental health doctors would write notes that I could be affected medically by the stress from family due to situations I cannot write here. This would not be an issue if my 2 brothers hadn't done the things they did before my parents were even sick. My dad was sure my one brother, who hadn't talked to them for almost 9 years, would come to his funeral. This brother is full of dangerous rage. Even the attorneys, judge, etc. saw the unconcern of there brothers to their parents :(  and me.
For my dad, I had an open casket funeral, put in paper, at his church. Food and drink the church provided afterwards in a seperate part of church. I had catered a full meal for family members that night at my cousins house. My brother was not to be allowed in my parent's house. Dad was creamated, then the burial was 2  days later. Not many  came due to the winter weather and snow. We did go our own ways. Some of us went to my dad's favorite restaurant for breakfast.
At my cousin's house, my uncle and brother stole things out of my purse, that was put way under an end table.
48 hours before my dad died, I asked if I should call my brother. He said NO. I had him tell 2 nurses and they evaluated his mental capacity and it is documented.  I fullfilled everything he asked me to.
If am my mom which the attorneys says I am, then her wishes would be to protect me. She would be furious and more over my brothers actions and all they did after my dad died. They even tried to stop her from having her funeral wishes and one brother stated in writing to the crematory, funeral home and attorney that my mom told him say she did not want to be buried next to her husband! The other brother followed. She has only one relative that would be able to come to the funeral, if they could.
I did want to send out a page about her life to all the would have come if there were a funeral.
This is where I feel they are not going to agree or think any different of me if I have no funeral. My mom and dad,  believe would agree.


I think your heart is leading the way and you will follow it. To me, funerals are about those left behind. With all of the complexities, both legal and personal, that you are facing there isn't going to be any answer that will resolve the issues at hand. We all have such differing beliefs about how to honor the person who died. Mine is that my memories are where it lies. I know that's just one point of view, however. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama