Author Topic: I finally blew!  (Read 4375 times)

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Offline Pooh

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I finally blew!
« on: November 05, 2012, 08:24:01 AM »
Well, I finally blew my gasket.  This Saturday was the baby shower.  Now, the dynamics were that I did 80% of everything to prepare for this event.  My Mom did 50% of the cooking and I took care of everything else.  I had my two best friends coming early and staying late to help with everything.  FDILs Mom lives out of state and really didn't do anything.  We had her at our house all weekend, and she helped with decorating the cupcakes Friday evening.  None of this was an issue as I really didn't expect her Mom's help with being from out-of-state and everything was in order.

You all know the issues with my Ex's wife and how she has been to them.  One of the conversations FDIL had with her about 6 weeks ago was about baby showers.  She had asked if FDIL was having one and she told her that I was giving one.  So SM told her that she would do one for that side of the family.  Ok.  So I had invited my side and FDIL's family, which ended up being 65 invitations.  My Ex has a huge family and could have easily invited around 100 to theirs.  Ok, so I have proceeded with mine, not concerning myself with them.  In the meantime, of course the drama between FDIL/YS and SM/DF have gotten worse.  Not my problem as FDIL and YS have been dealing with it.  I truly have stayed out of it as much as possible.  The part I have been dealing with is the fall-out.  I'm the one having to try and keep FDIL calm and dry her tears.  I've not been flattering to Ex's family throughout this but merely telling her "That's how they are.  You are just going to have to make the best of it and not worry about them so much."  So I have in no way been holding up for them, but I haven't been trying to turn them away from them either.

So Saturday comes, I have her, her Mom, my DH and myself at the house.  We have the cars packed and it's about a 30 minutes before we have to leave to go set-up.  We're sitting, laughing and talking and FDIL is so excited.  Her phone goes off and she has an email.  She just sits and looks at it then I hear it "ding" and "ding" again.  She's reading and getting upset so we're just looking at her.  She looks at me and says, "It's Ex's sister.  She just emailed me and wanted to know why I didn't invite her Mother to my shower and why I am being mean to her Mother.  Then she follows that with why will I not answer her."

THAT'S when I finally blew.  My Ex's Sister lives several states away.  She doesn't email, text, FB or call FDIL and ask her how she is, how's she's feeling....nada.  I looked at FDIL and basically barked out, "Don't you even answer her!  I will!"

And I did.  I grabbed up my laptop, logged in and let her have it.  I told her that I was giving the shower, it was my decision who I invited and FDIL didn't have anything to do with it.  I told her I was tired of the drama her family was continuously creating for the two of them and how ashamed they should be of tormenting a pregnant girl and deployed man.  I told her SM had been creating drama for them for months and that I had hit my limit.  I told her that SM had told that they were doing their own shower and that was why I didn't invite anyone from their side.  I pretty much ranted for a while and told her she didn't have to like my decision, but it was my decision and I would appreciate it if she would stop emailing and getting on to FDIL

We went back and forth.  She said, "I'm just defending my Mom."  I told her there was nothing to defend her from and they needed to be taking their issues up with the people that were actually causing them instead of FDIL/YS and that I was flat out sick of it.   She then started backtracking and saying, "Oh I understand, SM is a big liar and we've all caught her in lies.  We don't like her...My Mom doesn't like and only tolerates her...blah blah blah."

I finally just said, "We're leaving.  Bottom line it was my decision based on what FDIL was told."  I logged off and left.  I can only say, if you have ever seen controlled rage...I was it.  I was shaking, I was furious and I was so angry they she did that to her a couple of hours before the shower.  She sucked the laugher and joy out of it for her for couple of hours.  Her Mom and I both told her to not worry about it, that I had handled it. 

We did have a great shower.  It went well, she enjoyed herself and they got so many presents that they could use.  But it weighed heavily on her mind because as soon as she talked to YS, she fell apart again that night.  I got on skype with YS and told him what I had done.  He was so mad at them.

What part of they are doing themselves in with them are they not getting?  When I checked my email yesterday, Ex Sis had left another email asking me to please call her Mom and explain why she wasn't invited because her feelings were hurt.  Then her Mom leaves a message on YS's wall telling him how much they adore FDIL and how excited they are about the baby......after not leaving anything on his wall since March?

ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
« Last Edit: November 05, 2012, 08:27:35 AM by Pooh »
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline luise.volta

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Re: I finally blew!
« Reply #1 on: November 05, 2012, 09:09:31 AM »
Oh, Pooh…what terrible and probably carefully calculated timing. I'm so sorry. My guess is that your "ex's" clan is too toxic to learn anything from your response. It was probably really good for you to detonate and also helped your FDIL through the attack…but/and beyond that, it's my take that DS and FDIL are going to have to learn to stand up for themselves. They are too young for any of this and both of them under too much pressure for different reasons…so the timing is treacherous. Still, they are assuming the roles of adults…mother/father/soldier and are going to have to face this lesson on their own. No wonder it's driving you nuts. They are innocent targets in this lethal family conflict. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pooh

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Re: I finally blew!
« Reply #2 on: November 05, 2012, 10:58:25 AM »
You are right, and up to Saturday that's what I have been doing.  Letting them deal with it and have actually said your exact words to FDIL, that they need to figure out how to deal with them now and not be still stressing the next 20 years with their antics.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Scoop

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Re: I finally blew!
« Reply #3 on: November 05, 2012, 12:18:24 PM »
I agree Pooh, it doesn't do anyone any good to triangulate.  Maybe you should give DIL the book "Toxic In Laws"!  (That would be funny!)  But really, that book does say that you can't do the emoting for other people, it means they don't have to feel their own emotions and so, don't deal with them.  In the end, it would be terrible if your DIL remembers her shower because YOU were tense, instead of because of SMIL's actions.

Offline pam1

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Re: I finally blew!
« Reply #4 on: November 05, 2012, 02:34:30 PM »
I think it is about time someone stood up to them.  There were times that I wasn't strong enough to stand up to DHs FOOs attacks and I desperately wished someone would just take one for me.  Pregnant and with her husband deployed -- I think you just did her a kindness. 

But I do agree that she will have to learn this on her own at some point.  Also, the book Scoop suggested is a good one.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline luise.volta

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Re: I finally blew!
« Reply #5 on: November 05, 2012, 02:59:19 PM »
I need to add that I might have done the same thing, Pooh. We all have a tolerance level and then it's, "All-bets-are-off…you're messing with my cub(s) and age is not the issue. You're dead! As in forever!" I know you will give it back to DS and FDIL when you can. And I also agree that it might have meant the world to them to have a champion, even temorarily. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Smilesback@u

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Re: I finally blew!
« Reply #6 on: November 05, 2012, 05:26:20 PM »
Proud of you Pooh!  You drew appropriate boundaries, and let it lay where it belongs on your shoulders as the hostess.  Proud of you for defending your son/FDIL's rights too!  They know you have their back.  They also will develop their own appropriate boundaries.  It is crazy making, but you sound very reasonable to me.  Again, proud of YOU! 

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Offline Pooh

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Re: I finally blew!
« Reply #7 on: November 06, 2012, 07:24:07 AM »
Thanks.  I think I will get her that book for Christmas! :)

I didn't call Ex's Mom.  I decided that I don't owe any of them an explaination for what I chose to do.  I don't have a relationship with them any longer, except I am civil to them at events that include them.  We have the wedding coming up in December, and I will be civil to everyone but I refuse to call and try to make her feel better.  I know that sounds mean of me, but the bottom line with me is I would be more willing to do it if they had even once taken FDIL's or YS's feelings into consideration. 

I don't care if they are mad it me....oh darn...I will not get a Christmas card this year.....oh wait..... :)
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline luise.volta

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Re: I finally blew!
« Reply #8 on: November 06, 2012, 07:46:37 AM »
That doesn't sound mean of you, Pooh. Any hand you extend to her will be spit on and a few fingers chopped off, if you're not quick. You have continually gone the extra mile with this. My original post was about it being DS and FDIL's issue to work though…which is where you were coming from before the straw (bale) was dropped on the camel's back. You are human and that is a great thing for a role model to be…fallible. You are going to be a role model at the wedding, as well. We will all be there with you…cheering!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Smilesback@u

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Re: I finally blew!
« Reply #9 on: November 06, 2012, 08:27:45 AM »
Sounds assertive to me.  Civil is ample.  Thinking of you...((hugs))

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Offline JaneF

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Re: I finally blew!
« Reply #10 on: November 19, 2012, 03:03:52 PM »
Good for you!!!!!!!!!!!!    J ;D