T-day trauma

[Pen]

DH & I decided a couple of months ago to "take back" Thanksgiving after years of accommodating DS due to his IL's demands (he & DIL would go to DIL's FOO for a big meal at noon & then come to our house for another dinner in the evening.)

But, things have been tense lately and I'm afraid DS will feel as if we're rejecting him if we switch back to our earlier time; DIL absolutely will not forgo Thanksgiving w/her FOO (she has been very clear about this.)

If things weren't so strained between us I would simply explain that an earlier time is more convenient for us, and invite them for dessert & coffee (and a turkey dinner doggie bag, lol.) Normally people would be able to discuss this like grown ups, but we're not dealing with a normal situation here. I do not want DS to slip further away but I sense that's what's happening & I'm really sad about it. DH says to stick w/ our plan to go back to our earlier dinnertime, so we will...but I can't shake this feeling of impending doom. Kinda takes some of the joy out of the season, which used to be my very favorite time of year!

[Scoop]

Pen, what is the motivation for changing to the earlier dinner time?

Here's what I came up with:

A) because that's how you used to always do it - I don't get this for 2 reasons: first, if you usually eat dinner at 6 pm every other night of the year, why does Thanksgiving dinner have to be earlier?  Second, if a tradition doesn't work anymore, then it SHOULD be changed, I think it would send a message to DS that 'tradition' is more important than having a meal with him.

B) to spite DS and 'force his hand' - well, that's just not going to work.

C) because a later time doesn't work for other people who ARE glad to come - I think it's perfectly correct to accommodated the people who will actually enjoy your company.

[Doe]

Pen-

I think your husband sounds pretty clear-headed about the situation. I want to encourage you to back him up.  From this vantage point, I think you'll get a bigger return from trying to make DH happy instead of trying to please DS.

I know it's tough.  Maybe it's time to let the other shoe drop and find out where your son stands, for real.

[NewMama]

Pen, if the earlier time works better for you, DH and your DD, then I don't see anything wrong with switching back to it. Considering the amount of accommodating you've been doing for DS/DIL, things are still tense and you still feel him slipping away. Accommodating them again won't probably change anything, and if things are hanging by a thread that much, it could be anything that breaks it. Thanksgiving just happens to be the upcoming event. Maybe he needs to see that you, DH and DD get a vote here too and that it's not all about him and DIL. 

[Pen]

Thanks for your replies.

The earlier time works best for us so that I'm not spending the entire day prepping and cooking, not to mention still having to feed people breakfast & lunch, and then having to leave my family/guests immediately after dinner to get DDD back to her home on time. By the time I get back it's 8 or 9 at night and I've got all the leftovers to deal with as well as dishes, pots & pans, kitchen, dining room, etc. Too much! I like to get it all done & over with by 3 or 4 in the afternoon so I can spend a couple of hours enjoying the day. We like to hike or just hang out talking, playing games, etc. If people get hungry they can haul out leftovers. I'm not up at all hours wiping down the oven or washing the fancy china.

One of my big concerns is that the move back to our traditional earlier time will look petty and punitive. But as DH says, DS & DIL are always late, rarely hungry for our food, only stay for a couple of hours (since I have to leave to take DDD home) and may not even show up at all. He feels we should do what works for us. I feel that if we switch back to how we've always done it, it will be spun to make us look bad.

[Doe]

One of my big concerns is that the move back to our traditional earlier time will look petty and punitive.... I feel that if we switch back to how we've always done it, it will be spun to make us look bad.

Oh, Pen...
You have absolutely no control over this.  The only part you can control is to make sure you're not being spiteful.  Maybe you should work a little more at making sure you're creating a nice T'giving for the ones who will be there - as in concentrate on your light rather than DS/DIL darkness.  kwim?

[luise.volta]

My take: It's just the way it is for all of you, Pen. The dynamics don't change. You DS is uncomfortable, DIL doesn't want to play and you are not honored. It doesn't really seem to work for any of you...no matter what the occasion. Sending love...

[Begonia]

Pen: A hug for all you are going through...trying to be the loving goddess of Thanksgiving planning...

If you look over your posts and make a list of the positive things about changing the time to early and the negative things about accommodating DS and DIL, you will easily have your answer.  My take is put the cards on their table, be honest, say you are just too exhausted anymore to deal with all this chaos late in the day, and let the rest figure itself out.  Who knows, it might go better than it ever has. 

[Beth 2011]

Hi Dear Pen,

I always have cooked earlier too with the idea that we can enjoy the rewards of our work for the remainder of the day.  And really enjoy the day relaxing with our FOO and friends or taking care packages to other family members that are not able to come and visiting with them.  I have tried the different times too and earlier works better for me and my FOO.     

[Doe]

I guess I should add that, too - I always cooked early.  DH doesn't eat past about 4pm so that affects our dining plans with others!

[elsieshaye]

Pen, you're going to look bad to people who are looking for bad, no matter what you do.  Do what best suits you and the family that actually shows up and shows love, rather than chasing after the people who treat you badly. 

[JustMeMother]

I have loved reading this thread. 

Penn, definitely go back to your traditional Thanksgiving time, and you own NO one an explanation.  In fact I don't even think I would tell DS.  When he shows up with your DIL (if they come) they can just eat leftovers with the rest of you or just have dessert and coffee. 

[Pen]

Thank you all! I know what to do now and how I will phrase the invite/explanation to DS & DIL. And I'm locking the thread 'cos I do believe I got what I came for, lol. I love this site & all of you very WW!