Author Topic: tears for mothers day thanks dil......  (Read 4376 times)

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bettylou

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tears for mothers day thanks dil......
« on: May 07, 2010, 03:33:29 PM »
Well after that great visit with grandson and the nice day with DIL and son when they picked him up I let my guard down and got hurt.  Dil asked me, what I was going to do for mother's day this year, I told her we had no plans after church and then she said we would all get togethor.  I never heard back from them.  Son sent me a card and I got it today and called to thank him.  I asked him if they would like to meet us after church or come with us to church like my son used to on special days.  He told me they could not that they would be spending the whole day her mother!  They were going to take her and gs out to a winery in the morning for brunch and then wine shopping and that after that they would do lunch there and then they had a day of shopping for art for dil and her mom.  Oh boy!  What a busy day no time to squeeze in even five minutes for me?  No he said, it will be a long day and then ofcourse putting gs to bed in the evening.  I was so shocked I thought I finally was good enough and I was going to be a grandma and mom again, but no he told me after he realized what a busy day he was going to have he decided to mail my card early to get it out of the way.  What a sweet boy I have I guess........I am so hurt, what is to look forward to now?  The day has not happened yet and it is already ruined for me.  I want to hide in bed all weekend!  More sadness and let down

crnnurse12

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Re: tears for mothers day thanks dil......
« Reply #1 on: May 07, 2010, 04:35:22 PM »
I am so sorry you are going thru this. I can relate. I also dread Mother's day and am glad I am working. My son left roses and a card from him and one from my  grands on my porch today.  He didnt even spend 5 minutes with me..that would have meant more than the roses.  I am on the out with my DIL...so my life is awful....I have tried not to dwell on them and their problems and just enjoy the day I get each week with my grandson.....I am so grateful I have my grandson. He is my heart...It is amazing how bad our kids can hurt us..but we keep doing for them, and getting the same bad treatment each time. You will be in my prayers. Try to stay busy and know you are not alone. Mother's Day is not a good day for alot of ladies...especially ones with spiteful , mean spirted Dils.  It is sad as they are filling their own children with hate for family.  All I do is pray now...and know one day God will turn this situation around. In the meantime I am grateful I get to see my grandson. Hang in there, Mother's Day is only one day..thank goodness LOL.

Offline Pen

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Re: tears for mothers day thanks dil......
« Reply #2 on: May 07, 2010, 09:46:38 PM »
BettyLou, there's no excuse for that behavior from DIL & DS. Being stood up is horrible. I'm sorry you're going through this...I don't know what else to say. You deserve so much better. We'll all get through this together, we will {{{hugs}}} Best wishes and {{{hugs}}} to you, too, CRN & Anna.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline luise.volta

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Re: tears for mothers day thanks dil......
« Reply #3 on: May 07, 2010, 10:12:11 PM »
You are "good enough!" Repeat after me..I am good enough...I am good enough...I am good enough. They can't see it. That doesn't lessen who you are! Don't let them define you. They are only exposing their own immaturity and selfishness. That is all about them. Yes, it leaves a void but it does not change who you are! No!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

womenrule123

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Re: tears for mothers day thanks dil......
« Reply #4 on: May 08, 2010, 07:22:15 AM »
Hello Bettylou!
I'm very sorry about your situation with dil and ds regarding Mother's Day! Nothing is worse then feeling disrespected and excluded by your own family. To invite you and then dump you is not cool. My heart is with you! xoxoxo

cremebrulee

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Re: tears for mothers day thanks dil......
« Reply #5 on: May 08, 2010, 08:42:01 AM »
Dear BettyLou and C-Nurse....
Ladies, I am so sorry your son's are behaving so disrespectfully...
 :-[

Sometimes I wish, somone in your families would take your son's aside and really give them a talking to...they surely would be offended at first, however, in a few days after thinking about they're behavior, they might wake up and realize, what they are doing...

I'm sending you hugs and love
Creme

1Glitterati

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Re: tears for mothers day thanks dil......
« Reply #6 on: May 08, 2010, 10:35:48 AM »
Dear BettyLou and C-Nurse....
Ladies, I am so sorry your son's are behaving so disrespectfully...
 :-[

Sometimes I wish, somone in your families would take your son's aside and really give them a talking to...they surely would be offended at first, however, in a few days after thinking about they're behavior, they might wake up and realize, what they are doing...

I'm sending you hugs and love
Creme

What about talking to them directly.  Involving other people muddies the waters.  It causes offense, and some people see it as passive aggressive.  Also... outside person doing the interfering typically ends up having their relationship damaged or ended with the person they went to talk to.

cremebrulee

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Re: tears for mothers day thanks dil......
« Reply #7 on: May 08, 2010, 11:10:48 AM »
Quote
What about talking to them directly.  Involving other people muddies the waters.  It causes offense, and some people see it as passive aggressive.  Also... outside person doing the interfering typically ends up having their relationship damaged or ended with the person they went to talk to.

yes, I know what your saying, and is true...however, I wish more family members would become more aware...the trouble with our society, is we I'm saying WE all think like you...afraid to muddy the waters...

family is family regardless...and if one of these ladies were in my family and I knew they're hearts were breaking like this...I would do it...and tell they're son's and DIL's that the mother doesn't know I'm talking to them, however, someone has to...and then I'd tell them I don't know what is going on...but to hurt a mother like this is unacceptable...whatever it is...it's time to mend all wounds, talk it out...and for God's sakes, don't treat any mother like this, not yours (while looking at her) not yours (while looking at him) your all family now, and this is childish, dispicable and is causing hurt that goes way beyond God's intent...shame on you both...you two girls, whatever the problem is, need to sit down and talk it out...

I have interferred and muddied the waters in the past twice...and I didn't care if everyone ended up angry with me...if it worked...it took time, but it did work...in the end...everyone was thankful....and it was during my best friends father's funeral...

but I'm dreaming, b/c it isn't that kind of world any longer...people fear getting involved...fear speaking out...fear standing up for what is right...it's a whole different society...we've become estranged from our moral duty to family and friends...I never feared loosing a friend over doing something like this...and I have have lost them as friends...but sometimes, you just have to interfer and do this, b/c if mom would talk to them at this given time, it might not hit home the way it should and also make things worse?  No one knows, it is difficult to predict how people will react and what they will do.

it would be very short...and I'd ask them both to think about this and hopefully act and do the right thing...two people may not agree...however, to do this to any mother is just wrong...

1Glitterati

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Re: tears for mothers day thanks dil......
« Reply #8 on: May 08, 2010, 11:27:29 AM »
Quote
What about talking to them directly.  Involving other people muddies the waters.  It causes offense, and some people see it as passive aggressive.  Also... outside person doing the interfering typically ends up having their relationship damaged or ended with the person they went to talk to.

yes, I know what your saying, and is true...however, I wish more family members would become more aware...the trouble with our society, is we I'm saying WE all think like you...afraid to muddy the waters...

family is family regardless...and if one of these ladies were in my family and I knew they're hearts were breaking like this...I would do it...and tell they're son's and DIL's that the mother doesn't know I'm talking to them, however, someone has to...and then I'd tell them I don't know what is going on...but to hurt a mother like this is unacceptable  That right there is a prime example why you shouldn't interfere.  You DON"T know what's going on....whatever it is...it's time to mend all wounds, talk it out...and for God's sakes, don't treat any mother like this, not yours (while looking at her) not yours (while looking at him) your all family now, and this is childish, dispicable and is causing hurt that goes way beyond God's intent...shame on you both...you two girls, whatever the problem is, need to sit down and talk it out...

I have interferred and muddied the waters in the past twice...and I didn't care if everyone ended up angry with me...if it worked...it took time, but it did work...in the end...everyone was thankful....and it was during my best friends father's funeral...

but I'm dreaming, b/c it isn't that kind of world any longer...people fear getting involved...fear speaking out...fear standing up for what is right...it's a whole different society...we've become estranged from our moral duty to family and friends  And exactly what is that moral duty?  If I or my husband or my children are being treated in a way that I am uncomfortable with, don't agree with, or flat out don't like, then I'm not going to tolerate it.  It will not be allowed.  Not for my parents, his parents, any other family member, or friends.  Having family and friends does not mean putting up with endless bullcrap or passive aggressiveness or outright unreasonableness. ...I never feared loosing a friend over doing something like this...and I have have lost them as friends...but sometimes, you just have to interfer and do this, b/c if mom would talk to them at this given time, it might not hit home the way it should and also make things worse?  No one knows, it is difficult to predict how people will react and what they will do.

it would be very short...and I'd ask them both to think about this and hopefully act and do the right thing And chances are what they think is the right thing is exactly what they're doing. ...two people may not agree...however, to do this to any mother is just wrong...  I'm NOT talking about any specific situation here...but no one gets a pass on bad behavior because they are a mom or dad or family member

I guess I'm a grinch.   Thank my dh for that.  Most of the holiday joy I had prior to marriage got sucked away by him and the way his family handles them.  Mother's day isn't a big deal for me, personally.  I make sure my  mom and grandmom have a trinket and a card.  We go to lunch.  DH is welcome to come or go to his mom's.  If I wanted to make mothers day all about me...since I haven't had nearly as many as my mom or grandmom....I don't think either of them would make a stink about it or be really hurt or feel shafted.  My mom's had 40, gma's had 80.  I've had less than 10.  Beyond a card and maybe a call, I'm not expecting a lot from mothers day when my kids are gone and married. 

Different things are important to different people.   Everyone's mileage varies.  I think it's a bad idea to interfere in the relationships of others...no matter what you think you know.  There are two sides to every story, and people sometimes have very good reasons for restricting the time they spend with others.  Maybe it is a generational thing.  If any member of my family or dh's called and wanted to talk to us about my or his relationship with his parents they'd be told to mind their own business and that they next time they brought it up would be the last time we socialized with them.
« Last Edit: May 08, 2010, 11:29:19 AM by 1Glitterati »

1Glitterati

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Re: tears for mothers day thanks dil......
« Reply #9 on: May 08, 2010, 11:31:08 AM »
I do think it's in poor taste if BL's dil specifically said we'll do something and then there was no follow through.  I think it reflects badly on dil and son...not just dil.

Just wanted to clarify that...you don't promise one thing and do another.

cremebrulee

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Re: tears for mothers day thanks dil......
« Reply #10 on: May 08, 2010, 11:49:02 AM »
Glitter
You and I are from two different cultures...while I can understand your feelings...we never saw it as how you described...

Back then, travel was next to nill...all you had was family and you knew when something bad was happening to someone in the family...you will I'm afraid, never be able to understand our culture, however, Luise would...I'm sure...not saying that her family was like mine, but families were so so so much closer...

It wasn't that we interferred, we just knew everyone's feelings and problems, joys and success, and we celebrated or tried to help others...it was during the time if someone's home or barn burnt, neighbors came from far and wide to rebuild it...

So, I can see kinda how you might misunderstand intentions here...and so would others....however, the culture I came from, you stand up for what you think and believe in, is right, including all family members and friends...while I'd tell them, I don't know what's going on, and I don't want to know, however, I know someone's hurting badly...and all involved needs to step up and communicate each other's feelings and settle this....I know when things were going on with my son and I, my son called one of my closest girlfriends...it  helped...she spoke honestly...and actually, it all worked out the way she  predicted it would...thank God....


I know, it's probably very difficult to understand this, and I cannot explain it the way I'd like to...we didn't have cars...everyone worked in the same town, you got a job, you worked that job all your life...it was a trade you learned...people were closer, much closer, the only way we traveled was by train to go to the "Big City"....I was raised in a small community, a farm town...the entire town would sit outside in the summer, and talk, and share dinner, stories, personal woes....we were a huge family so to speak...and we helped each other out....all neighbors watched out for everyone's kids...back then if a neighbor yelled at the kids...the parents didn't get offended, they'd probably yell at they're own kids to, when they heard about it.  Televisions were upcoming...I remember watching my first color TV when I was 7 years old...
just to give you an idea....
« Last Edit: May 08, 2010, 12:00:04 PM by cremebrulee »

1Glitterati

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Re: tears for mothers day thanks dil......
« Reply #11 on: May 08, 2010, 12:07:11 PM »
Glitter
You and I are from two different cultures...while I can understand your feelings...we never saw it as how you described...

Back then, travel was next to nill...all you had was family and you knew when something bad was happening to someone in the family...you will I'm afraid, never be able to understand our culture, however, Luise would...I'm sure...not saying that her family was like mine, but families were so so so much closer...

It wasn't that we interferred, we just knew everyone's feelings and problems, joys and success, and we celebrated or tried to help others...it was during the time if someone's home or barn burnt, neighbors came from far and wide to rebuild it...

So, I can see kinda how you might misunderstand intentions here...and so would others....however, the culture I came from, you stand up for what you think and believe in, is right, including all family members and friends...


I know, it's probably very difficult to understand this, and I cannot explain it the way I'd like to...we didn't have cars...everyone worked in the same town, you got a job, you worked that job all your life...it was a trade you learned...people were closer, much closer, the only way we traveled was by train to go to the "Big City"....I was raised in a small community, a farm town...the entire town would sit outside in the summer, and talk, and share dinner, stories, personal woes....we were a huge family so to speak...and we helped each other out....all neighbors watched out for everyone's kids...back then if a neighbor yelled at the kids...the parents didn't get offended, they'd probably yell at they're own kids to, when they heard about it.  Televisions were upcoming...I remember watching my first color TV when I was 7 years old...
just to give you an idea....

Creme...I was raised in a small town...so small it was a village.  We had a country store and a gas station and a post office.  We didn't even have a library any type of business offices such as doctor, lawyer, pharmacist, etc.  You had to "go to town" for all that stuff.  My daddy grew up on a farm.  He worked that farm until he retired--in addition to his regular job.  He had three siblings and lots and lots of family.  Most of the families in the community were related in some way or another from way back when.  Our elementary school was K-7 and we were bussed to a county wide high school that was 8-12.

Yes...there was a lot of coming together whenever there was a tragedy.  People did work together and pull together.  Yes, us kids were free to run around and most would say something to us if we were out of line.  I also saw alot of meddling and interfering and gossiping.  Family members and neighbors interfereing in parenting, marriages, and relationships with other people.  Getting themselves involved in emotional situations that it would have been better off had they minded their own business and stayed out of it.  (And, no...I'm not talking about situations of domestic violence or anything like that.)  Assuming that because they were family they could say or do anything they wanted and then say they were right to do it because they were family.  My dad finally got tired of it.  After his mother died in 1995 he's had nothing to do with his siblings or their families since then, and everybody still lives in the same places w/in 5 miles of everyone else.  They always treated my mother like dirt...no matter what she did or how she tried to help.   Then they had the gall to talk worse about her when she just chose to stay away from them and their nasty behavior.  She was expected to put up with it because they were my dad's family.

There are times when intercession can come from a place of genuine understanding and love.  Unless you know all of both sides of the story...it's simply meddling, interfering and trying to make the outcome what you want instead of what the people actually involved in the situation want.  Many times I think those who interfere want a couple of things.  They want the pain to stop for the person they love and they want the person they see as inflicting the pain to toe the line.

cremebrulee

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Re: tears for mothers day thanks dil......
« Reply #12 on: May 08, 2010, 12:14:58 PM »
yes, I want something, for all involved to make peace

Glitter, you and I think differently about things...I respect your concern...however, I view things much differently then you do...

I wouldn't expect anyone to toe the line...there wouldn't be anything in it for me...

however, someone in here were my friend, or family member...I would still do as I said...interferring or not...I don't see it as interfering, but trying to help people in need...
I don't need to know the whole story, but I do know when I see people in pain...and emotional pain can destroy a life...there is no reason on God's green earth to act like this or hurt people...

I've been hurt all my life, just as others have...many worse then me...however, it doesn't give me a free ticket to hurt someone's mother b/c she didn't treat me the way I expected her to...or DIL didn't treat me the way I expected her to...


I have done my share of hurting and I'm not proud of it...as a matter of fact, that in itself is the pain I'll have to live with the rest of my days...it will never, though happen again...I don't care how cruel someone is to me...I can't and won't hate or take things so personally that it will effect me and my mental state, like the past 12 years...and if I can help someone...I will try...even if they never talk to me again...and I'm very adament about that...it's who I am...and what I stand for...I can't stand to see people hurting

That is just me.
« Last Edit: May 08, 2010, 12:17:19 PM by cremebrulee »

1Glitterati

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Re: tears for mothers day thanks dil......
« Reply #13 on: May 08, 2010, 02:28:28 PM »
however, it doesn't give me a free ticket to hurt someone's mother b/c she didn't treat me the way I expected her to...or DIL didn't treat me the way I expected her to...

That is just me.

I get that we have different opinions...and I'm honestly not trying to be mean.  I honestly don't get it.  REally.  I honestly cannot wrap my mind around it.
 
If someone is not treated as expected, and expectations have been made clear, then what is wrong with the person just removing themselves from the situation?  Just refusing to engage or participate?  It may be hurtful to the other person.  But should that other person (the one not meeting expectations) be allowed to hurt the other person in the first place?

Sometimes reconciliation doesn't come.  And, sometimes other people inserting themselves into a situation that isn't about them causes more hard feelings.  Hard feelings toward the person doing it and MORE hard feelings toward the person they are trying to intercede for.  The person in the middle can end up with BOTH sides mad at them.

I think I'll take a break from this thread...cause I think I helped hijack it from Betty.  And, if Betty's dil did say they'd get together specifically for mothers day and then left her hanging...that is nasty and unacceptable.

Postscript

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Re: tears for mothers day thanks dil......
« Reply #14 on: May 08, 2010, 03:27:41 PM »
With respect Creme, you say there is no reason on God's green earth to act like this or hurt people.  You say that based on a one sided story and would be prepared to intercede in said relationship without knowing the full story.  I am a dil who withdrew from her relationship with my Mil.  You know why from my side. 

I've said before my Mil would tell you a completely different story of what happened, I know this because of what she has told others and frankly it's a warped story skewed in her favour as the victim of 3 mean dils who all control her boys.  Yes every single one of us cast a spell over her husband and children, forcing them to eschew poor Mil.  All she ever did was try to help.

While I wouldn't mind if she went online in a forum like this and vented her spleen, I do take issue with her enlisting others known to me in her campaign.  Especially when she vented to someone she knows is a colleague of mine at work.  I keep my work and home life quite separate from necessity.   Did it make me want to mend fences? No, definitely not.  Instead it had the effect of driving me further away.

It's my opinion that nobody has the right to take a half known story and judge another person, just because they are family or have other close ties.  If Mils sister contacted me and tried to intercede, I'd tell her very firmly that it was none of her business.  Because it would be, none of her business.

Edited to remove the quote that didn't quite work right and looked ugly.
« Last Edit: May 08, 2010, 03:29:16 PM by Postscript »