Author Topic: What would ya'll do?  (Read 4134 times)

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dirtyglassgrl

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What would ya'll do?
« on: May 06, 2010, 07:46:42 PM »
My dh came to me this morning when we were home alone and expressed deep sadness that our dd does not know his father.  He told me it was eating him up and he wanted my permission to invite his father back into our lives.  I have deep reservations about this and it really took me by surprise.  I should have known when he was so quick to send his aunt a card inviting her over that this would be the next step.  I can not tell a grown man he can not invite his father into our lives.  But his father's wife has said and done so many cruel things to me and wants nothing to do with my kids.  How will this all work?  If she says sorry to me it will never be enough, it will not fix it.  If she still wants to fight I will not do it.  I will not kiss up to her ever again but I will not continue to fight I would rather stay in a cut off forever than fight with someone for years.  And I do not know how to pretend it never happened.  I told dh I would think about going along with it, but as for now the boundaries would be: all kids are equal, bio or not, the minute they are not kind to my kids it is over, it sounds cruel but kids do not need mind games, his wife could never be alone with any of the kids for any amount of time ever, he is not leave me alone with her for any amount of time, she never drives a member of our family anywhere ever for any reason, and they do not get holidays.  We already visit three inlaws for holidays and they can wait to a week later if need be they have been too nasty to ever be a priority to me.  Dh said he agreed to all that, but would not move ahead until I was totally sure.  I apreciated all his patience with me and told me if he still wanted to pursue it at the end of the month we will revist this talk.  What would ya'll do?  I am so uncomfortable and stressed!

Postscript

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Re: What would ya'll do?
« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2010, 08:04:48 PM »
DGG I am in a similar position.  My husband has a relationship (not much of one but a relationship none the less) with his parents, while I do not.  He generally sees them about 4 times a year, he takes our children with him.  I am civil if we happen to cross paths at family occasions but otherwise, I don't see them.  I don't go to their home, I don't invite them to mine, if they ring I hand the phone to my husband.

I know that I will never get any sort of apology or even an acknowledgement of mils treatment of me.  I can't forget the many things she did.  I can't hold the rug while she sweeps everything under it and make like nothing ever happened.

You have my deepest sympathy, it's a difficult position to be in.  I love my husband and if he really wanted me to go with him to their house, I probably would, because it was what he wanted, I'd honestly do anything for him.  Thankfully that situation hasn't come about yet.  The worst I have had to face was at my husband's paternal grandfather's funeral.  Husband was giving a eulogy and I had promised him if he broke down I would go to him.  He did and I went to him and finished his eulogy for him.  When the service was over Mil was waiting for me at the church entrance and there was no way to politely avoid her without causing a scene  I hung around inside as long as I could.  When I exited she grabbed me and hugged me then She thanked me!  Perhaps it was wrong of me but I threw up a little in my mouth and silently walked to my waiting husband.  I went to the funeral for my husband, I went up front for my husband.  Nothing I did that day was for her and thanks to all her previous actions, nothing ever will be.

willingtohelp

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Re: What would ya'll do?
« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2010, 08:19:46 PM »
I agree totally that you can't keep your DH from having a relationship with his parents.  He's an adult, and it's his choice who he associates with.  For your kids, you do get input.  I'm guessing from the way you've talked about SMIL that she'd play mind games and talk badly about you.   So no kids around SMIL.  That should be easy enough to do, and I would assume your DH would agree that she can't be trusted if he's currently cut off from her.   Would FIL be willing to meet alone with DH? 

After the ILs became too much for me to handle, I just stopped.  DH was welcome to go whenever he wanted, but he wasn't allowed to "bring it in the house".  I didn't want to hear how his trip went, talk about them, etc. 

You can't control who your DH sees.  You can decide who you're willing to see and what you're willing to talk about and who your children associate with.  And I'm guessing those are the things that matter to you, not who your DH is with. 

dirtyglassgrl

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Re: What would ya'll do?
« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2010, 08:25:08 PM »
Thank you for your response!  I know how you feel about your MIL, it is exactly the same with our family!  Except she is not my husband's mother, he does not like or want to be around her, but she is the boss of her side of the family and what she says is always obeyed, so with out her, dh has no father, it is frustrating and it makes me very very angry with my FIL.  He is such a sweet man and would never hurt a fly.  But he always goes along with her behaviour.  It makes us all mad.  But we can not control his actions or his wife's.  How do we proceed?  It will make me want to puke in my mouth too as you said to see her hug my kids like nothing ever happened.  DD is so young she has no clue but my boys do not want to see her.  They miss their papa though.  Maybe we need counseling?  I don't know how to handle this mess at all, I feel sick over it

Offline luise.volta

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Re: What would ya'll do?
« Reply #4 on: May 06, 2010, 08:36:52 PM »
I honestly don't know what I'd do so I am finding this very interesting. It's sure a sticky wicket.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Postscript

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Re: What would ya'll do?
« Reply #5 on: May 06, 2010, 09:03:51 PM »
It's a difficult position as your Fil will not stand up for himself.  In a way I understand why not, a husband's place is to stand with his wife, we expect this from our husbands and our mils have the same right to the same expectation.  I quite like my Fil too, his over use of double entendre gets a little tiresome but that is really the worst I could say about him as a person, he has always been respectful and fair to me, with the sole exception of doing Mils bidding.

I guess it comes down to your dh accepting that SMil is not going to change and he will only ever have a relationship with his father that includes her, no matter how loathsome she may be.

While I agree with Clover to a point about the children, I haven't actively prevented my kids going with dh, although when they were small, especially dd, he didn't take them because it was just too much work for him to keep them safe in a house that looks like a tornado whipped through it.  Now when he goes I feel as if he uses the kids as a buffer.  Ds never wants to go now, I won't make him go but dh did last time he went  :(  I don't think my Mil would dare to talk badly of me since Dh instituted his cut off many years ago.  She said something to him during a tantrum on our front lawn (I was inside and so I don't know what) and dh refused to have anything to do with her for over a year.  He likes his father though.  It used to make me feel ill though, to know she was pawing my children and stuffing them with candy so they'd like her.


Edited for a mistake
« Last Edit: May 06, 2010, 09:08:04 PM by Postscript »

willingtohelp

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Re: What would ya'll do?
« Reply #6 on: May 06, 2010, 09:12:19 PM »
If my DH wanted to see his parents and I thought they'd treat DD well even though they treat me poorly, then I'd give him my blessing and find something else to do that day.  But sadly my ILs are the type that have an insane need for attention and praise, to the point where if my kid acted shy or failed to give them their fix somehow, she'd get the guilt trips of "what, you don't like gramma" or whatever.  So it's a no go from me for her.  Your kids are your first priority.

Postscript

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Re: What would ya'll do?
« Reply #7 on: May 06, 2010, 09:20:17 PM »
Ugh the guilt trip!  Mil used to employ the old tell em to do the opposite until dh had a word.  She'd ask ds for a kiss, when he pulled back and acted shy she'd start going "don't you kiss me, don't you DARE kiss me, don't you do it" it was awful.  Dh told her flat out not to do it to our kids because when we told them not to do something, we meant for them to NOT do it!

She gave the guilt trips a go but ds and dd don't do guilt trips, they know they don't have to feel bad about not wanting to hug or kiss anyone.  When she tried it on dd (she's the assertive one in our family and precocious) "don't you want to kiss MomMom? I'm hurt and I am going to cry" dd turned around and said "I am not going to hug you to stop you crying" that kid knows her mind.


dirtyglassgrl

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Re: What would ya'll do?
« Reply #8 on: May 06, 2010, 09:39:15 PM »
My oldest boy refuses to have anything to do with her, I once asked them if we got back togethor with that side of the family if he would like that and he said yes to papa but no to her.  He told us he does not want to be around her and I told him that he is big enough.  If it came down to it I would keep my word to him and take him over a friend's while she was here.  I think when your child asks you straight up to keep someone away and they have a valid reason you should listen.  I am not saying forever but while you work out your troubles with the person and try to make things more comfortable.  My younger son does not care really and dd is just too young and has no idea who these people are.  I am tired of explaining to people....."and then there is the other side of the family that we do not speak to....what's that you want to know why??............heres the short version."  I think it is sad all around.  So sad for my kids and husband and myself and sad for FIL who is not a bad person.  I am so torn up over this I do not know how I will sleep tonight.  Honestly I do not even know what they would say if my dh called them.  FIL would be glad to hear from him, but then would defer everything to his wife so it is possible that she could say no to a reunion.  I hate having a family that can not be in the same room or have any contact because of one person who does not have decency to keep her cruel thoughts to herself.  I could care less what that miserable woman thinks, but stop telling me and other people how much you hate me!!!

bettylou

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Re: What would ya'll do?
« Reply #9 on: May 07, 2010, 03:43:30 PM »
Oh please put your self aside for one minute.  What is there to think about?  You married this man you married his family!  You need to stop worrying about yourself for a minute and do what your husband is asking you to do.  How would you like it if your husband wanted to treat your parents like dirt and "think about" letting you see them.  That is a terrible attitude, your husband must resent you so much for the treatment of his family!  Do you control all the people in his life or just the ones that brought him up?  They are parents and they want to be grandparents.  Ofcourse your kids do not want to see them, you have put it in their head weather you realized it or not that they are not good enough and that they do not deserve respect or love, be careful when you show your own young family how to cut people off and use children to hurt others.  Be careful my dear one day that boy will have a wife who may not be pleased with things you do and say and you will be on the other side of the coin!  It is mother's day and you are worried about how to stay in control of hubby and his family?  Please think about each question I posed to you, really reflect on what I am saying to you, and then try to answer each one.  I want to know how you justify your feelings and actions with regards your husbands parents.  How can you not feel sad that you say your child is so young they have no clue who their grandparents are?  How can you not feel sad about that?  Children deserve love, think that over on "your day".

Orly

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Re: What would ya'll do?
« Reply #10 on: May 07, 2010, 04:59:18 PM »
I'm sorry bettylou, but it seems like dirtyglassgirl IS trying to accommodate her husband's wish to reconnect with his father....just not his step-mother.  If hubby wants to go visit then he needs to be up front and protect his children from step-mom's anger issues with his children.  His father should be standing up for his side of the family too.  dirtyglassgirl stated that step-mom DOES NOT want to have anything to do with her step-son's children, so she is concerned, and rightly so.  So until Step-mom can resolve her issues it might be the best thing to meet Grandpa at the park and have a visit there....with him alone.

 She sounds like the female version of my step-father....who didn't want to acknowledge my mother's side of the family.  He tried desperately to wipe out any and all evidence that my mother had a life before he came into it.  It was okay that Mom took care of HIS children and grandkids, but not her own.   Too bad my mother was a strong willed person when it came to the right thing....she treated ALL of us as her kids.   When we visited, I also made very sure he didn't abuse my husband or children.....sometimes it had to be very aggressive too. 

1Glitterati

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Re: What would ya'll do?
« Reply #11 on: May 07, 2010, 05:20:17 PM »
DGG...will fil come and visit y'all w/out his wife?  That would be a great way to start.

What about going out to lunch or the park with fil---w/out step-mom involved?

Is fil willing to do things w/out his wife?  If he is...work something out...since you've said you like him.  If not...I'd say too bad.  No reason your kids should be exposed to someone who doesn't like them or treat their parents well.  Fil has to decide how bad he wants to see the grandkids...enough to do it without his wife is the price.

If your dh isn't agreeable to ONLY fil being involved...then it's going to be a hard row to hoe and I see lots of arguments and hurt feelings in the future.   Sounds harsh...but I'd go to the mat to keep my kids from being around someone nasty and abusive---even if it meant keeping them from someone who wasn't.

1Glitterati

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Re: What would ya'll do?
« Reply #12 on: May 07, 2010, 05:22:50 PM »
Oh please put your self aside for one minute.  What is there to think about?  You married this man you married his family!  You need to stop worrying about yourself for a minute and do what your husband is asking you to do.  How would you like it if your husband wanted to treat your parents like dirt and "think about" letting you see them.  That is a terrible attitude, your husband must resent you so much for the treatment of his family!  Do you control all the people in his life or just the ones that brought him up?  They are parents and they want to be grandparents.  Ofcourse your kids do not want to see them, you have put it in their head weather you realized it or not that they are not good enough and that they do not deserve respect or love, be careful when you show your own young family how to cut people off and use children to hurt others.  Be careful my dear one day that boy will have a wife who may not be pleased with things you do and say and you will be on the other side of the coin!  It is mother's day and you are worried about how to stay in control of hubby and his family?  Please think about each question I posed to you, really reflect on what I am saying to you, and then try to answer each one.  I want to know how you justify your feelings and actions with regards your husbands parents.  How can you not feel sad that you say your child is so young they have no clue who their grandparents are?  How can you not feel sad about that?  Children deserve love, think that over on "your day".

Betty...you really need to reread her post.  Fils wife...step mom...is abusive.  DGG LIKES her fil and would like him involved with the kids and her dh...but not if that means the abusive wife.

RedRose

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Re: What would ya'll do?
« Reply #13 on: May 07, 2010, 06:56:39 PM »
But his father's wife has said and done so many cruel things to me and wants nothing to do with my kids.  How will this all work?  If she says sorry to me it will never be enough, it will not fix it.  If she still wants to fight I will not do it.  I will not kiss up to her ever again but I will not continue to fight I would rather stay in a cut off forever than fight with someone for years.  And I do not know how to pretend it never happened. 

dirtyglassgrl

I don't know your whole story...but, an apology is a good first step...isn't it?

Wouldn't it be hard to accept your fil back into your life without his wife?

Your children have lost the love of both of them, I hate seeing that.

( here come more minuses )





1Glitterati

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Re: What would ya'll do?
« Reply #14 on: May 07, 2010, 06:59:56 PM »
But his father's wife has said and done so many cruel things to me and wants nothing to do with my kids.  How will this all work?  If she says sorry to me it will never be enough, it will not fix it.  If she still wants to fight I will not do it.  I will not kiss up to her ever again but I will not continue to fight I would rather stay in a cut off forever than fight with someone for years.  And I do not know how to pretend it never happened. 

dirtyglassgrl

I don't know your whole story...but, an apology is a good first step...isn't it?

Wouldn't it be hard to accept your fil back into your life without his wife?

Your children have lost the love of both of them, I hate seeing that.

( here come more minuses )

DGG said stepmom doesn't want anything to do with the kids.