Author Topic: Question about DIL changing her name..  (Read 5799 times)

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Offline isitme?

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Question about DIL changing her name..
« on: May 06, 2010, 06:31:43 AM »
Hi Ladies,

I haven't posted in a looooooong time, but i hope some of you still remember me!  Things have been going pretty well, and I've still been reading and learning from all the posts here (and applying a lot of what I have learned from all of you to my own relationship with my in-laws).

Well, I've got another question for you and would appreciate your thoughts:

Do you have an opinion whether or not your DIL takes your family name or if she keeps her maiden name?  What does it mean to you if she does/doesn't?

Thanks!

cremebrulee

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Re: Question about DIL changing her name..
« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2010, 07:23:25 AM »
Hi Ladies,

I haven't posted in a looooooong time, but i hope some of you still remember me!  Things have been going pretty well, and I've still been reading and learning from all the posts here (and applying a lot of what I have learned from all of you to my own relationship with my in-laws).

Well, I've got another question for you and would appreciate your thoughts:

Do you have an opinion whether or not your DIL takes your family name or if she keeps her maiden name?  What does it mean to you if she does/doesn't?

Thanks!

Hello, how are you, I have missed you!  ;D

I have no opinion, I believe it should be between the couple who are getting married, whatever they decide....

It's ok by me if she doesn't....again, to each his own....however, my culture, in my day, wouldn't have agreed to it...it's culture actually and what you were raised to believe...but my own personal belief is, it's they're business and what they feel most comfortable with...


womenrule123

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Re: Question about DIL changing her name..
« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2010, 07:33:16 AM »
Hello is it me,
I took on my dh's name after we married but it's a trend to keep your maiden name this days. Some ladies keep their maiden name for professional reasons (doctor and such) and others do it for independent reasons (divorce and such). For me, it was an honor to take on my dh's name. Plus, I desired to have the same last name when we began to have children. Less confusing and I'm more traditional in that area. My dh and my in laws were neutral in the subject so it was truly up to me. I'd rather have a wonderful dil come into the family verses being concerned about her personal decision with keeping the maiden name or not. Have a great day! :)

Birdy

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Re: Question about DIL changing her name..
« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2010, 08:19:56 AM »
When I married I couldn't wait to change my name to my DH last name, but I worked at a very large company.  We had offices all over the US & International and I dealt with everyone everyday.  We had a directory in which you would put people's name in and it would pull up their email address & phone number.  So you were usually know by your full name.

I knew from when other women had gotten married and then asked HR to change their name they got lost in the system, their emails got messed up.   It was horrible.  We lived & died by our email - since that is how we kept in touch with a lot of our customer base and our own internal groups.

We got married in January and I didn't officially change my name at work until at least 9 months later.   

One of the driving forces for me to change it was because I was pregnant and my file at the doctor's office had my maiden name on it and they told me when I delivered I would be know as maiden name and baby would be know as maiden name baby.  I felt like this would be disrepectful to my DH, so this is when I officially changed my name.

I did get some flack from my MIL and DH actually told her that the reason I waited to change it was because of my job and not because I didn't want to be know by their last name. 

So sometimes it might be worked related, sometimes it might be a new trend and sometimes it might be that people don't like change.  I mean I know some people who feel like their entire indentity is around their name, so they don't want to change or they resist it.

Offline Pen

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Re: Question about DIL changing her name..
« Reply #4 on: May 06, 2010, 08:37:33 AM »
My DIL started signing with our last name before the marriage, and frankly I thought it was weird but kind of cute. After the wedding I noticed some of her communications had her maiden name, some had our name, some were hyphenated. I think she's still working it out. Since she doesn't think much of us I doubt she'll want to use our name, but you never know. It doesn't bother me one way or the other except that we don't want to offend her by innocently using the wrong name.

I didn't want to use my dad's name since our relationship is strained, but I didn't want to completely ignore my family history either. Luckily for me, I wasn't given a middle name as a child so I took my maiden name as a middle name and use my DH's last name as my last name too.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Pen

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Re: Question about DIL changing her name..
« Reply #5 on: May 06, 2010, 08:39:05 AM »
Oh, and welcome back, Isitme! We missed you. I'm so glad to hear things are going well. Love you!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline isitme?

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Re: Question about DIL changing her name..
« Reply #6 on: May 06, 2010, 08:51:38 AM »
Thanks ladies - It's nice to know I can still check in with all of you when I have questions (I'm always reading to find out how everyone is doing - and to learn, but don't post so much anymore).

Long story short,  I am not changing my name - mostly for professional reasons, but like many have said, it also is not that uncommon for women to keep their maiden names these days.  Well the in-laws are REALLY not happy about this.  DH got yelled at for 40 minutes about this yesterday when they found out (we were legally married yesterday).  I have not yet talked to them but I dont' want to have an extended discussion.  I have worked hard at getting along with them these past few months and it was working.  But I fear that might be at an end now.....

Offline Pen

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Re: Question about DIL changing her name..
« Reply #7 on: May 06, 2010, 09:02:40 AM »
Congratulations and best wishes! I'm sorry your ILs are so rigid...their loss, really, but I know it makes life difficult and sad for you and DH. (Hey, it's DH now instead of FDH....and there were days when you thought the day would never come!)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cremebrulee

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Re: Question about DIL changing her name..
« Reply #8 on: May 06, 2010, 09:23:34 AM »
Thanks ladies - It's nice to know I can still check in with all of you when I have questions (I'm always reading to find out how everyone is doing - and to learn, but don't post so much anymore).

Long story short,  I am not changing my name - mostly for professional reasons, but like many have said, it also is not that uncommon for women to keep their maiden names these days.  Well the in-laws are REALLY not happy about this.  DH got yelled at for 40 minutes about this yesterday when they found out (we were legally married yesterday).  I have not yet talked to them but I dont' want to have an extended discussion.  I have worked hard at getting along with them these past few months and it was working.  But I fear that might be at an end now.....

OMG, congratulations!!!!!!  I'm so happy for you!!!!!!

Don't worry, and I know it's easier said then done...however, isitme...you have gone the distance trying so hard to get along with them...above and beyond...give them time, and hopefully they will come around...it seems as if you do anything beyond they're comprehention, they are going to get upset....but you can't walk on egg shells just to gain they're approval....that would drive you nuts....I hope you can realize, your doing all that can be done...and what you did isn't out of the ordinary...so just try and be happy in ynew life and don't allow them to pull you down to they're unhappiness....

big hugs and thank you for sharing the good news....whooo hoooo!!!!!

Offline isitme?

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Re: Question about DIL changing her name..
« Reply #9 on: May 06, 2010, 09:54:03 AM »
Thanks ladies!!!!!!!
I feel a lot better.  I know we might be in for some rough times over this issue but DH (still have to get used to that - yay!  ;D) agrees with me and has promised to try and handle things.  I will certainly keep you all posted and will do my best to do justice to all the great advice I've gotten from all of you.   :)

Offline isitme?

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Re: Question about DIL changing her name..
« Reply #10 on: May 06, 2010, 09:59:06 AM »
...it seems as if you do anything beyond they're comprehention, they are going to get upset....but you can't walk on egg shells just to gain they're approval....t

Creme, this is it EXACTLY.  If it's not what they want and they cant' control it, they get upset.  And upset means UPSET - constant phone calls, crying, yelling, lecturing, getting other family members to call, snarky comments...  I have figured out that DH has sought their approval his whole life and has never gotten it.  I see him try so hard now to make his mom happy..... but until she can be happy with herself, there's nothing we can do I think..  well, I'm going to do my best to handle this as best I can.   :-\

cremebrulee

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Re: Question about DIL changing her name..
« Reply #11 on: May 06, 2010, 10:30:22 AM »
...it seems as if you do anything beyond they're comprehention, they are going to get upset....but you can't walk on egg shells just to gain they're approval....t

Creme, this is it EXACTLY.  If it's not what they want and they cant' control it, they get upset.  And upset means UPSET - constant phone calls, crying, yelling, lecturing, getting other family members to call, snarky comments...  I have figured out that DH has sought their approval his whole life and has never gotten it.  I see him try so hard now to make his mom happy..... but until she can be happy with herself, there's nothing we can do I think..  well, I'm going to do my best to handle this as best I can.   :-\

Good God girl?????  I am shocked!  please know that your husband is not responsible for his mom's happiness....only she can do that...no one else can make her happy and it is very important that your hubby and you both understand that....I'm wondering, if this is how she got her way for all these years, now a whole new culture has come into her life and she thinks upset the apple cart....welll, she isn't going to get her way any more....and that's life I'm afraid, we can't always have what we want.  If she was smart, she'd knuckle under and zip it realizing she had one of the best DIL's she could have....God bless you both...get as far away from her as you can...and the phone calls, don't answer them....what a way to start a marriage, how dare she? 


Offline isitme?

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Re: Question about DIL changing her name..
« Reply #12 on: May 06, 2010, 10:38:34 AM »
well fortunately we're moving soon...

Even though we both know it's up to MIL to find her own happiness, it makes me sad to see how much DH tries because he loves her and how bad she makes him feel sometimes.  I know she loves him (and I think her recent "tolerance" of me has been because she doesn't want to lose her relationship with her son - not because she suddenly realized she like me..) but both his parents seem to have a HUGE problem separating the concept of love with the concept of control.  And of course they are going to blame me....  now that's he's married, he's SUDDENLY changed and now I control him instead of them.  The truth is, NO ONE control DH - he is his own man.  But he has kept quiet all these years to avoid a fight but it hasn't led to anything healthy   :-\   
I'm so glad I can talk to all of you here about this.  I guess it's still a new situation so let's see what happens over the next few days...weeks....months... years?   Apparently this was an issue with their other DIL as well - and it got so unpleasant that after a year she caved and changed her name.  And I think she might be bitter and resentful and jump on the bandwagon to try to get me to change my name as well.  Sorry, it just isn't going to happen.  I'm not trying to be petty or mean about it - but professionally it would be a very bad move and personally I had just never planned on changing my name.  I feel bad though because it really seemed like things were starting to get better.... but as I said earlier, I suspect it might start to go downhill again.  Thankfully this time I have some of you wise ladies, and your wise words to help deal with it  :-\

Offline Scoop

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Re: Question about DIL changing her name..
« Reply #13 on: May 06, 2010, 11:07:25 AM »
Isitme, I know this sounds rude, but there is a huge similarity between how dogs learn and how people learn.  If you know anything about training dogs, you'll see it right away.

Just like a dog who learns that if he begs for food LONG enough, he'll get something "just to shut him up".  Your IL's have learned is that if they badger you for A WHOLE YEAR they should be able to get you to cave, because your SIL did.   Stay strong!

Also, when a new rule comes along, there's such thing as "extinction bursts", which means that just before giving up, they'll likely give one more big, HUGE push.  Stay strong!

Okay, I can be a bit of a trouble maker, so I would be SO tempted to get DH tell them that he is thinking of changing HIS name!  That would be so funny, especially if you both decided to change your names into some combination of your names (i.e. Smith/Wesson into With or Smesson).  The goal being to shock them into realizing that whenever you open negotiations and ask for "more", once the negotiations are open, you may end up with *LESS*.

I don't know if anyone else has any ideas, but you're going to have to nip this one in the bud, because it WILL go on for over a year, they won't be giving up without heroic measures.


Offline isitme?

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Re: Question about DIL changing her name..
« Reply #14 on: May 06, 2010, 11:14:26 AM »


Okay, I can be a bit of a trouble maker, so I would be SO tempted to get DH tell them that he is thinking of changing HIS name!  That would be so funny, especially if you both decided to change your names into some combination of your names (i.e. Smith/Wesson into With or Smesson).  The goal being to shock them into realizing that whenever you open negotiations and ask for "more", once the negotiations are open, you may end up with *LESS*.


Thanks Scoop - I think you are absolutely right and I am determined to stay strong AND not lose my cool over this... 
DH and I ALWAYS joke around about combining our names etc...  given both of our lengthy and ethnic surnames, the possibilities are pretty hilarious.... sadly, MIL and FIL have ZERO sense of humor about things like that.  I learned the hard way.. no joking around because they will misread EVERYTHING and take it in the worst way possible. 

Oh well - the cat might get the combined name... or maybe hyphenated.  No way we will share that fact with the in-laws though.  MIL HATES cats....  surprised anyone?  :o