Author Topic: Do you ever feel like you just can't win?  (Read 1097 times)

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willingtohelp

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Do you ever feel like you just can't win?
« on: May 03, 2010, 07:33:24 AM »
Sometimes you're darned if you do and darned if you don't (I hope saying that still fits in the TOS, sorry Luise if it doesn't). 

For DILs

If you ask your ILs or parents to babysit, then you hear about how grateful you should be or that you owe them because they babysat for you.  So you stop since you were really only doing it to let them have that time and then you hear about how awful you are because you won't let them babysit.   

If you try to get the whole family together for visits (aunts, uncles, cousins, ILs, etc) you hear about how you never let the ILs have one on one time with your family.  But if you decide to instead do more one on one visits, when you inevitably have to miss a holiday or minor occasion (birthday, graduation, Sunday dinner) for a sickness or other obligation, you hear how "x side gets more time with you than we do". 

If you get your MIL and FIL cards, sign them, and mail them, you hear how their DS didn't sign it.  If you wait and let him handle it, you hear about how they never get cards. 

If you don't add MIL to your facebook page, you hear how mean you're being.  If you do add her, you hear about how there aren't enough photos of her with her GC compared to your mom (or how there are photos of her when she didn't give you permission to post them), your comments, etc. 

If you talk to MIL and FIL with your husband on the phone, then you never let your DH talk to his parents alone.  If you don't speak with them, then you never talk to them. 

If your husband visits his parents alone, then you never come to see them or "hardly ever".  If you only go as a couple, then you don't let your husband visit alone. 

If you write thank you notes, then you're too formal, you should call.  If you call, then it's "I never get a thank you note".

Don't worry MILs your plight isn't lost on me either.

If you bring a dish, then you're trying to ruin DIL's menu and say she can't cook.  If you don't, then you never help.

If you help clean up, then you must think she's doesn't keep a clean house.  If you don't, then you're such a burden to entertain.

If you offer to share her DH/your DS's favorite recipes, then you must think she can't cook.  If you don't then you're hogging them because you are competing with her.

If you ask her to lunch too often you're smothering her.  If you don't, then you must not like her. 



I'm sure you gals can come up with more.  Let's just have some fun and laugh at all the craziness for a while.

Carmexx

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Re: Do you ever feel like you just can't win?
« Reply #1 on: May 03, 2010, 08:09:42 AM »
This is going to be fun!

If a DIL doesn't ask for help from MIL, then she is excluding MIL. If DIL does ask for help and input, then DIL is lazy and doesn't want to do anything herself.

If a MIL tries to help by washing the clothes  of DS and DIL(or cooks for, cleans for, etc), then DIL feels like it is an invasion of privacy. If MIL only washes for or cooks for DS, then MIL only does things for her son and doesn't care about DIL.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Do you ever feel like you just can't win?
« Reply #2 on: May 03, 2010, 08:41:31 AM »
Wish I had the time and energy to start a similar list; like "Did you ever think how lucky you are?"...for both MILs and DILs.

Sending love,

Pollyanna  ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Bride2Be

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Re: Do you ever feel like you just can't win?
« Reply #3 on: May 03, 2010, 09:12:06 AM »
LOL Luise I love how positive you can be!! 

Carmexx you are so right!!  Sometimes it just seems like everytime you think you got it right, someone reminds you otherwise.
Quote
If you ask your ILs or parents to babysit, then you hear about how grateful you should be or that you owe them because they babysat for you.  So you stop since you were really only doing it to let them have that time and then you hear about how awful you are because you won't let them babysit.   

That's a good one!!  Been there done that!!

Offline Pen

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Re: Do you ever feel like you just can't win?
« Reply #4 on: May 03, 2010, 09:25:09 AM »
That's an easy one to nip in the bud - be up front about it when you ask them, for example "We want to give you some time with the GKs since we know you love them so; would you like to have them on Saturday?" Later, if they start in on the gratitude thing say, "Oh, we thought we were doing you a favor. Sorry we misread that; would you prefer to not have them?"

If you really just need a free sitter, you might have to show a little gratitude. And GPs, don't push it. Be glad you got the time with the GC!

Either way, we must stop using the children in our "gotcha" games. Sorry if I hijacked the topic, but I felt it was important to respond to this.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Bride2Be

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Re: Do you ever feel like you just can't win?
« Reply #5 on: May 03, 2010, 09:31:51 AM »
Ummmm, ok Pen. Kinda killed the mood a little for me, lol, wasn't looking for a solution, just commenting that I had been there, done that. 

Quote
If you don't add MIL to your facebook page, you hear how mean you're being.  If you do add her, you hear about how there aren't enough photos of her with her GC compared to your mom (or how there are photos of her when she didn't give you permission to post them), your comments, etc.
 

Or how about you add them on Facebook only for them to take everything you post, your friends post and whatever else on there too seriously and try to "talk" about them with you because they are concerned.  C'mon, it's Facebook, not the real world, lol.  Lay off!!  I love this topic!!!

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Do you ever feel like you just can't win?
« Reply #6 on: May 03, 2010, 11:55:12 AM »
Show me the real world...I wanna go home!  ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

dirtyglassgrl

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Re: Do you ever feel like you just can't win?
« Reply #7 on: May 04, 2010, 11:22:20 AM »
I could never win FIL's wife ever!  When my family had a shower for me, I couldn't win because it was not done by her family, when I told her to invited whomever she chose I was called a "greedy pig" behind my back and that I just invited her family to get more stuff.  When she offered to pay for me to get my nails done and I accepted she told my husband I was a user who took all I could get from her, then when I got upset and went to my own salon, I was stuck up snob, who just would not do anything with her.  When she called me and told me she needed pearls for a gift and I said I would talk to my husband about that one, I did not apreciate all she  had done for me.  When she told my sons were "not normal" "out of contol"  need help etc. and I told her stop, just stop right now, I was a total witch.  I laid myself out for this woman to stomp all over for years and it was never ever enough or right or what she wanted.  Came to realize she wanted a dramatic fight and blow up and tears.  And that is what happened and now we have not contact with her at all.  I am happy I never have to have around my kids again but my husband is sad and so is FIL and we now have contact with almost no one in his extended family who have heard all about what a horrible witch I am and that I have made everyone's lives a living hell.  Im sorry to take over this post it just got me venting I guess.  Thanks needed that!