Author Topic: Almost to the breaking point with MIL.. What should I say or do?  (Read 3541 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Sara_9548

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 4
    • View Profile
My husband and I have been married for 2 months and 15 days, We have been together for 2 years. Problems started ever since we began planning our wedding and got married. My owe so enraging mother in law, has been striking a nerve more than ever for the past 6 months. I have brought the situation up to my husband but he completely blows it off like it is unimportant. My mother in law, I believe didn't really think we would go through with the wedding. She did not help out with any funds for the wedding except for 175 dollars towards the cake, that was 500 dollars. My grandmother paid for entire thing. they paid 400 for our condo for the honeymoon, expenses not included. Then she demanded all of her family members be invited to the bridal shower and wedding. To keep the peace we did and they all live far away. out of our 100 guest 14 people came from his side of the family out of the 50 we invited. 30 people said they would show. 4 people out of 25 for the bridal shower. Then when the wedding came around, she became offended when my bridesmaids for their speeches made "friendly warnings" to him. His mother found that inappropriate for a wedding. Now if she new her own son she would realize it was more than necessary, he has anger issues and always threatens to kill and maim people. Another thing, I'm pregnant right now, and my family does not want to invite anyone from his family to our baby shower. My grandma thinks that she should have her own shower for me because they live so far away. She does not offer any money or support in any way.  Our families are no longer getting along. Reason is my husband likes to cry wolf. We live with my parents currently because my husband can't save a dime to save his butt. He has a project car he dumps his money into, credit cards racked up, hospital bills unpaid and insurance, car payment, and phone bill through the roof, all mine are paid off. Im refusing to pay to help him because every time I do he just keeps doing the same thing. Anyway's their was an incident where things got out of hand and the police had to show up. I do not feel comfortable to oblige what happened because im currently still working on the situation with my husband. But in the end my grandma got hurt. He called his "mummy"  and cried wolf, said my grandma hit him. (which in fact was a lie) and his mother believes every word he says. So a few hours later there is so much drama from his mom posted on facebook. "nobody hits my son" Im going to beat this woman" Im an irish mother don't mess with me" number 1 highly inappropriate for facebook, our business is private and none of her business or the worlds. (just explaining to everyone here because in dire need of advice) Number 2. She did not bother to ask our side of the story. Never asked why it happened or why a man would lay his hands on a woman. Ever since then My husband and I have had a rocky relationship. I do not believe that a man should ever lay his hands on a woman, if he could do it to someone else he certainly can do it to me. There have been incidents in the pass where he lays his hands on co workers, 2 ex's etc. threatens to kill and maim. said his father who left him made him this way. His mother never said no, and never thought her son does anything wrong. Im currently working with my husband and his anger issues. We will be going to marriage counseling soon, and he will go on meds for his bi polar disorder. and see an anger management counselor. Problem is im afraid his mother is going to intervene because she brainwashes him thinks he is perfectly okay the way he is. He only holds a job, gf for 6 months to a year and a half because he wont get help. Im bi polar that is why im patient enough to help him. I learned from the best my grandma who isnt bi polar. Before I ask what should I do. His mother is obsessed with babies. I'm pregnant this is not going to end well in any way shape or form. His mother lives an hour from us. His cousins just had babies and she is up their butts every day. visiting asking to babysit. His moms house has mold in it. its behind the walls. She complains that their is always something wrong with her. Her husband aka his step father has been dealing with alcoholism on and off, active right now and im not sure how bad because I no longer go with him to visit. He since he moved in every other weekend sleeps at his moms. They always harass me to come too. I don't want to sleep on a couch. He is married to me and should not be leaving his pregnant wife to sleep at his moms, or to leave and sleep at his moms in general. He has lived with me since 9 months of us being together. a little over a year. She wants grandparents rights. I already made him aware of my dead decrepit body will i allow that. She can come visit. Or we will stop by here and there but this is our child and im not allowing that. he gave her a cell phone with a phone line through his plan which was so he and her could talk for free. she doesnt use the phone and continuously calls him from the house line, which in fact costs money. That he doesnt have. He doesnt find it important to keep reminding her to call from the cell. She posts nasty sayings and other things directed at me and my family on facebook. Another reason i wont go down, even to visit now is because im afraid they are all going to gang up on me at once and to be honest my baby deserves a peaceful gestation period. I'm almost to my limit with what I can take. If my husband does not do something or go to his counseling and go on his meds. I have no other options except a divorce. I do not deserve the abuse, frustrations, or anxiety, caused by his actions, or his families. I thought that I could help him through it. He is just very angry, his mother is very insane and he believes that he is not responsible for his own actions. Any advice. The thing is if divorce. I refuse to share custody and have my daughter corrupted by the insanity. I want whats best for her. please help?
« Last Edit: August 17, 2012, 10:16:17 AM by pam1 »

Offline jdtm

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 324
    • View Profile
Re: Almost to the breaking point with MIL.. What should I say or do?
« Reply #1 on: August 17, 2012, 07:16:29 AM »
I only read the first part of your posting.  Is your story for real?  If it is, your problem is not your MIL but your husband.  You're pregnant and your only two considerations should be the safety of yourself and your unborn child.  Then, you will need to figure out how you will be able to support yourself and your child.  I hope someone on this site can give you help in contacting support help in your area. 

If you do decide to divorce, the best thing you can do is document, document, document.  By this I mean to record every negative incident re date, time, place, who was present, what occurred (only facts not opinions or feelings or thoughts), and any other significant points.  Then keep this file in a very, very safe place - it will be your ticket to primary/sole custody.  But, you will also be required by the courts to prove you are a capbable mother and can support yourself and your child financially as well as emotionally and physically. 

You have a big job ahead of you and I don't envy you.  The way out will not be easy nor will it be painless.  So sorry ....


Offline Pooh

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5442
    • View Profile
Re: Almost to the breaking point with MIL.. What should I say or do?
« Reply #2 on: August 17, 2012, 07:16:51 AM »
Welcome Sara.  Please take a minute to read through the threads under "Open Me First".  It's the forum rules, history, etc and we ask all new members to read them to make sure the forum is a good fit for you.  Nothing wrong with your post at all.

Wow, you have quite a plateful going on here.  First, congratulations on the baby.  I hate when someone takes someones post and dissects it, but I'm kind of going to hit on several things because you gave us such good background.

I'm not upholding any of your MIL's behavior at all.   Her attitude and verbal abuse seems to be very harsh.  I will ask you if she had agreed to pay for any of the wedding or honeymoon beforehand?  I'm asking because although it's tradition for the Mother of the Groom to pay for a rehearsal dinner and sometimes flowers, there really isn't anything that says she had to pay for anything.  Do I think it's nice if a MOG does?  Absolutely, but unless she stepped up and offered, it really wasn't her responsibility.

This is probably going to sound like I'm being mean, but I promise I'm not.  Reading through your entire post and all the incidents, although your MIL is certainly not helping, I feel it all lays at your DH's feet.  He's running to her, he's tattling and obviously lying to her and although it may not be any of her business, he's making it her business.  He's making it out to be all your and your family's fault and she's believing him.  Yes, it would have been nice of her to ask your side, but frankly, when it comes to our kids and someone says "They hit me", we do become protective.  You would think with his issues, she would know better by now, but she is choosing to believe him.  No, she shouldn't have posted anything on FB about it, but you can't control what she knows as long as he is the one carrying the mail.

The shower thing?  I'm a firm believer in when a family can't get along, you hold no obligation to invite them.  They can do their own.  I'm doing the same thing right now for my DIL/YS.  Me and my Mother are giving them a baby shower in November, but I have already made it clear that Ex's side will not be invited.  They can do their own shower as I don't want his wife or Mother anywhere near me.  That's my right and DIL is good with it.  If she had not been, then I would have told her that I wouldn't be doing her a shower then.  She has a choice, and I have a choice.

I'm glad that you are seeking counseling with DH, and I hope he follows through and goes.  With everything you wrote, he has major problems.  If it comes down to a divorce, I certainly hope with his anger issues you can keep him from getting joint custody.  But if he even gets granted standard visitation, you will have no control over if he takes the baby to see his Mother on his days.  Unless there is any kind of court battle won, the noncustodial can take them to see whoever they want, just like the custodial parent can.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Doe

  • Guest
Re: Almost to the breaking point with MIL.. What should I say or do?
« Reply #3 on: August 17, 2012, 07:27:34 AM »
I have to say, this is a difficult situation but from what you write, you went into it knowingly.  You knew who they were before you married into that family, right?

If you are going to get a divorce, I think you should get a lawyer immediately so you can have proper guidance.

Offline Sara_9548

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 4
    • View Profile
Re: Almost to the breaking point with MIL.. What should I say or do?
« Reply #4 on: August 17, 2012, 07:54:19 AM »
I appreciate so far the advice that was given. I am aware that my husband is number one issue. and the my child is number one priority. I am documenting and taking necessary steps and am seeing a counselor individually in the mean time. My grandmothers home is safe. My mom and sister live here too. They have been helping deal and cope and we have a lawyer on the side just in case. I'm trying last ditch efforts to see if we can make this work and making sure he will follow through with working on his major problems. I work part time 32 hrs. Not many jobs in my area provide full time. As well as going to college full time. I'm not a bad mother in wanting the father of my child to be a part of her life and staying with him in the mean time. However I am prepared if things get out of hand to leave without looking back or regretting my actions. I Love my daughter. More than anything including myself. With bi polar people in most cases from what I see we have a hard time taking responsibility and or caring about others more than we think of ourselves. I love my child more than myself. I'm still young and learning to cope with stresses normal day to day people deal with. My counselor told me that the way I describe explain think and process and cope are outstanding and she thinks the same way, that all of you have posted. but that I should follow through with my set goal and hope that he will follow through with his actions. If not she has what
I have told her documented. I just was asking what I can do in the mean time to cope with the MIL antagonizing ways. I'm already dealing with my husbands ways. He is trying. He just can't get away from mommy. He is 26 yrs old. He knows that if he doesnt get help im prepared to leave. He has never laid a hand on me. That is the God honest truth. My grandma, mom and sister would not take it with grain of salt. He threatened to out of anger once and that is how the incident occurred between grandma and him. I had already left and took a walk to calm down because if I didn't I would probably already be divorced. I took those actions for my daughter.

Offline Sara_9548

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 4
    • View Profile
Re: Almost to the breaking point with MIL.. What should I say or do?
« Reply #5 on: August 17, 2012, 08:00:28 AM »
Also I would not take it with a grain of salt. I will never let a man hit me and stay with me. My grandma after incident asked me to give him one more chance. Otherwise I would have left him. Im not making excuses for him. I just know what anger and bi polar and manic people deal with. I went through it when i was a teen. As soon as I give birth im going back on my medication. I'm being responsible. His mother was never responsible for him. She didnt put him on meds and or get him the help he needs. I'm just trying to help him for the sake of our child. A decent human being trys before giving up and knows when it fails to give up. By september 17th Ill know which one I'm going with. since then no more incidents and things have gotten better. INCIDENT was on june 28th Fyi. His health insurance just kicked in with his 4th job since we have been together. i have kept the same job for 2 yrs. So as soon as health insurance goes through he is going to go. If not he is gone. and I will fight for my child.

Offline Pooh

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5442
    • View Profile
Re: Almost to the breaking point with MIL.. What should I say or do?
« Reply #6 on: August 17, 2012, 08:15:43 AM »
The key to dealing with your MIL is to not deal with her.  You could do everything she wanted and be the nicest person in the world but your DH is still setting you up to fail.  As long as he is running to her with tales, she's always going to side with him.  I say that because he obviously didn't get this way since you married him, but has been this way for a long time and she's still stuck with him. One thing we learn here, is that we can't control what other people say or do, we can only control how we react to them.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Ruth

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 605
    • View Profile
Re: Almost to the breaking point with MIL.. What should I say or do?
« Reply #7 on: August 17, 2012, 08:46:49 AM »
Dear Sara, you poor child.  Life has become far too complicated for you, far too soon.  That is a bad thing, yes, but it can become the time in your life when you make a decision to grow up into the woman you would most admire, and the mother you would most love to have for your daughter.  I fear there are too many broken things here to put back together again.  I saw my own daughter go through a tragic decision, far too early in her life, and take such a tragic toll on all our lives, for many years.  This is just what we have to come to terms with, because all decisions, both good and bad, have consequences and there is no escaping that fact.  Your husband will be a part of your life, and your child's life, for at least the next eighteen years, so you must find the most constructive way of handling that.  My advice for you would be to go back to your Grandmother's home, with the clarity between you both that you do not go back as a child to be protected and made war over, but you have to go back as a kind adult woman finding sanctuary for herself and her child.  I would advise that you continue in counseling, and in counseling as a couple, to see if over time there opens up a new door for your marriage, but I do not think this will be the case.  All the drama you have wrapped yourself up in is only clouding out the real issues, Sara, and the truth.  The counselor can help guide you through some murky waters into being able to make better decisions in the future, good luck precious one and I hope you will be very brave and do the right thing for your child., and yourself.

Doe

  • Guest
Re: Almost to the breaking point with MIL.. What should I say or do?
« Reply #8 on: August 17, 2012, 09:28:29 AM »
Sara,

Do I understand correctly that your husband hasn't hit you, but he has hit an elderly relative who was trying to stand up for you?   Then he lied about it and tried to blame her?  Then his mother threatened to harm her more?

Do you understand that your willing connection with this man is putting your loved ones at risk?  Hitting and old woman and then lying about it would have been enough for me to leave him. 

Offline pam1

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2321
    • View Profile
Re: Almost to the breaking point with MIL.. What should I say or do?
« Reply #9 on: August 17, 2012, 10:21:00 AM »
Welcome Sara :)

First off, congratulations on the baby!  You sound like you want the best for your baby, but in order to do that, you need to want the best for yourself too.  I am glad you are taking steps to take care of the situation, but I fear for you.  It is good that you have your mother, sister and grandmother around.

Sara, can I ask you a question?  What would be your breaking point?  Is it just hitting?  If this was me, far less things you said have happened would be my deal breakers.  I know that you have problems with what has happened as well, maybe writing a list of your boundaries on paper and then keeping track every time they are violated?

Your husband leaving every weekend would be on my list, btw.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8872
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: Almost to the breaking point with MIL.. What should I say or do?
« Reply #10 on: August 17, 2012, 11:12:04 AM »
Just a word here. This isn't a "breaking point" website. We don't have any professional training, so please keep in mind that there are crisis hotlines available to you. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline NewMama

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 155
    • View Profile
Re: Almost to the breaking point with MIL.. What should I say or do?
« Reply #11 on: August 17, 2012, 11:52:20 AM »
Sara, your MIL sort of sounds like a secondary issue. If your DH always runs to her, nothing will ever change. She will always see things his way. He sounds like he needs help with not only his BPD but marriage counseling.

It seems like your relationship has hit a crisis, and I think like Luise said, it might be a bit more than we could help you with. I'm glad you said you were getting counseling. What concerns me is that he's threatened to hit you, hit your family members, and you mentioned he frequently threatens to kill or hurt others, and has hit previous girlfriends. Pregnancy and having a baby are very very well known triggers for domestic violence. Is this the kind of man you'd choose for your daughter? That's the example you'd be setting for her. No one believes that they'd get hit before it happens. And most women believe it won't happen again when it does.

Offline Karenna

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 46
    • View Profile
Re: Almost to the breaking point with MIL.. What should I say or do?
« Reply #12 on: August 17, 2012, 10:16:14 PM »
You have both a husband problem and a mother-in-law problem.

Can you get individual counseling before the marriage counseling begins?  A competent counselor (generally NOT a pastor or priest) can help you see things like:

- appropriate relationship dealbreakers
- how to assert yourself and set boundaries
- how to recognize when you and your child are in danger of abuse

Also, please have a plan for leaving in a hurry if you need to.  Ideally, you'd have access to a few hundred dollars in cash, a credit card in your name only, a phone, numbers for domestic violence shelters or hotels, car keys or cab fare, clothes, diapers and food for the baby.  (But if you don't have those things, don't let it stop you from leaving if you or your child are threatened.)

Please find a family law attorney and lay your situation out for him or her.  The first consultation should not be too expensive.  The attorney will tell you how to minimize the danger from (1) MIL's grandparents' rights threat, (2) your husband's financial problems, and (3) your husband's violence.

The attorney and counselor should be able to tell you what programs exist to help pregnant women in your area with health insurance, food, rent assistance, etc.  Don't feel ashamed to use them; that's why they exist. You don't have to stay with an abuser because of the health insurance.

And think hard about whether it would be good for your child to grow up exposed to her father's temper.  Sometimes no dad is better than a bad one, and vice versa.

----

Now, your MIL.  She has shown you who she really is.  You now know that she's going to side with her son, even though he hits elderly women, his ex-girlfriends, his co-workers, and so on.  She will never take your part.  She will most likely lie for him if he hurts your child. 

Ask your counselor how to deal with her - depending on how violent she is, you may need to try different tactics.  Limit your exposure to her nastiness.  Block her on facebook, or at least put her on a special friends-list so she can't see your posts or appear in your news feed.  You might want to donthe same to other mutual friends who are likely to give her access to your information.  Let her calls go to voicemail so you can see what she's calling about before you respond.  (Also, if she threatens you, you will be able to give voicemails to your attorney or the police.)  Don't share any information that she could use against you in a visitation case - family problems, medical issues, financial issues, etc. 

You need to protect yourself and your baby.  Best of luck to you.

Offline Karenna

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 46
    • View Profile
Re: Almost to the breaking point with MIL.. What should I say or do?
« Reply #13 on: August 17, 2012, 11:05:53 PM »
I just saw in your second post that you're already seeing a counselor and documenting these incidents.  That's great!

I think that the best approach to your MIL is to engage with her as little as possible.  Don't respond to her facebook postings.  I'd say not to read them at all, but you may need them in case of divorce - but keep them out of your newsfeed so you aren't always hurt.  Don't have her or other troublemakers at your shower.  Send her calls to voicemail; call or text back if it's important. 

With your counselor, work up some responses to her demands - things like "Sorry, that won't work for us," "No, this isn't a good time," and "Thanks, but we've got it under control."  Practice until you can deploy them without losing your cool.

I wish you and your baby the best.

Offline Footloose

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 321
    • View Profile
Re: Almost to the breaking point with MIL.. What should I say or do?
« Reply #14 on: August 23, 2012, 08:24:38 AM »
Dearest Sara,

I am so sorry that you are in such a struggle now, when times should be happy as you expect your first child.  Remember this: Your life matters too.  Do the right thing for YOU and your new baby?

Hitting a woman is inexcusable and an elder too?!  Please go to the police department or ask your GM to and file assault charges?  He must learn that his actions are criminal and he must be held to account.  His temper could grow to epic proportions if it goes unchecked.  Even if you make the wise choice to separate, totally, until he meets your requirements, and you never see him again, you could be preventing him a life sentence and prevent someone else's death or injury.

Please use the web to find a women's shelter to get connected to support in your area.  You have seen his violent behavior before, please don't wait until it happens to you or the baby!  You must not wait, dear one!  You must be the wise adult here because you are in real danger. You need to prepare as is he DID hit you and act now to get into a safe place.

I would also take out a restraining order against him and his mom.  You have the written threat from his crazy mother to prove it.

Keep him and his fam away from your mom and GMom and YOU.

Hugs, dear sister!  Please DON't be like me and stay out of "love."   Love is just not enough.  You and your precious child deserve so much more than this toxic love.