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Rough day

Started by Pen, August 05, 2012, 09:29:05 am

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Because DH & I choose not to push ourselves on DS/DIL, DIL gets a happy, IL-free life & we get crumbs. Having a rough day, wish we could get what we want once in awhile...can't speak up w/o causing a major rift, but if we stay silent it's assumed we're fine with it all. Tough position.

Here's the thing: DS (rightly) wants to please DIL. DIL isn't at all interested in spending time with us & has made it clear to DS. So, DS spends his precious free time w/DIL (rightly so) and her FOO because that's what DIL wants. DS does what he can to see his own FOO, but he's not going to jeopardize his marriage for us, understandably. It's how he was raised, BTW. Kudos to us!

In my situation I do blame DIL for taking advantage of DS's love & commitment. If she could accept us, DS would be more comfortable spending time w/us. It's weird that the only time he can call or visit is when she's away.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Terrible choice for DS to have to make and totally unnecessary! Until DIL gets that what she has asked (demanded?) of him is unloving, immature and abusive...(just getting started)...he is stuck with it...her. I'm so sorry that where his heart took him has and is hurting him so deeply....because it is. Cruelty comes in all kinds of guises. Sending love your way, Pen...rough days come...and then they do pass.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


love from me, too.


 I wouldn't enjoy being married to someone who wouldn't allow me to maintain relationships with my family. Unless your DS has the patience of Job, I would think that would get old after a while.

My DD is in a similar situation, and I'm wondering how long she'll allow the person she's with to alienate her from her family. We have a family wedding coming up and she just informed me they're getting a hotel instead of staying with us or any other member of the family, and I know money was an issue so I'm not sure why they wouldn't stay with family after being offered any number of options.

But I'm learning, and I didn't ask her why.

I hope your DS finds a way to have the kind of relationships he wants with his own parents without jeopardizing his marriage, but honestly, if he can't, what kind of marriage is that? I go between feeling sorry for someone in his situation and feeling like he should stand up for himself.

I also hope you can take some comfort knowing he would spend more time with you if he felt he could. Hope you feel better.


I understand exactly Pen.  My son's wife made it VERY clear the last time we spoke (fought) that she has zero, absolutely ZERO interest in me or if I ever saw my son or the GKs again.  She made it clear that I am in no way cosidered her family nor am I important in her world.  It would be up to my DS to maintain a relationship with me.  That is I guess if there was ever time between his working, their family time, and the time set aside for HER FOO. So that leaves the absolute barest of crumbs for me.   I have slowly been coming around to accepting the fact that I will never have the extended family I always longed to have.  I can't really complain though because I have no interest in seeing DIL.  I don't consider her my family any longer.  So I guess I get what I deserve... huh...


I am so sorry you are having a bad day.  Those will come and they will go.  Perhaps a walk or some exercise will help?

Yes, Kudos to you and DH for raising a son who accepts and respects DIL wishes.   Shame on him for not speaking up and getting a little free time for you.
We also deem those happy, who from the experience of life, have learned to bear its ills and without descanting on their weight.

lancaster lady

dear Pen ...
You have more patience than me , you would think that as long as she doesn't have to see you ,
she could at least give your Ds time to visit .
You must find it unbearable at times holding your tongue and not saying what you feel .
That's where I failed , lucky for me it turned out ok , but it could easily have gone the other way and I
would be missing my family as we speak .
It's hard to keep busy ALL the time and those thoughts creep in .
I know what I would do , with both feet ..... :o
sending hugs for those quiet times dear Pen ..<<>>


Did any of you expect or want your DIL to become your BFF? I certainly didn't! But I suppose I expected (I know, I know) her to not hate us so much it would cause DS to become distant. She's not my idea of a fabulous time either, but I don't hate her or manipulate situations to avoid her. I don't think we are so weird/gross that spending time w/us is abhorrent, but apparently she feels that any amount of time not doing exactly what she wants to do is not just wasted time but absolute misery. Or she thinks we're totally weird/gross. IDK, probably both. For the sake of DS, why can't she put on a brave, emotionless face like I do? Lol  :-X

There's no way to respond when we're dealing w/self-absorbed people who don't care about anyone else. So glad you WW are here on those days when I think I can't cope (& that thankfully are becoming fewer & fewer.) Love you!! I appreciate your concern & kind suggestions...yes, I'll get exercise, get involved in a project and carry on! It's not like I don't have a gazillion things to do :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Quote from: Pen on August 05, 2012, 02:18:22 pm
There's no way to respond when we're dealing w/self-absorbed people who don't care about anyone else.

I think that pretty much sums it up. A mature adult understands that even if your ILs are not your favourite people, you should be polite and respectful for the sake of your spouse. Unfortunately, people that are that self absorbed will never understand because they're pretty much incapable of trying to see things from another's perspective. I'm sorry you're having a rough day. I hope someday your DS stand up for himself and you, he shouldn't have to be the one doing all the compromising (which isn't really compromising, it's giving in).


I too am sorry you are dealing with this issue...I have the exact issue myself.  It does make me angry too that someone can only think of themselves and is so selfish, just like another post said.  But some people just do not have the ability to see things from another persons point of view sadly.  It is hard to stay silent I agree, but I just try to speak to my son when I get the chance so his life is easier, but I do wish he could stand up for himself without the horrible treatment he gets if he does. Blessings to you all.   J


Sounds like we're all in a similar boat.  Gets old after a while doesn't it?  If DIL loved DS even half as much as she loves herself she would be able to see that she is hurting him with her behavior.  I often wonder how GC can grow up to be mature, loving, forgiving individuals when they are raised by people who don't have a clue!
Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.   
~ Denis Waitley ~


Quote from: NewMama on August 05, 2012, 03:07:45 pm
.......I hope someday your DS stand up for himself and you, he shouldn't have to be the one doing all the compromising (which isn't really compromising, it's giving in).

If DS stood up for himself/us it could very well mean the end of his marriage. We wouldn't hope for such a thing. We raised him to do his best to honor his vows & DIL knows this.

IMO, this is not a problem due to DS being a wimp; this is a problem due to DIL/her FOO taking advantage of him & of us because we're a bit more honorable than they are.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Sorry Pen you are still hurting for this unsensitive dil who does not deserve a space in your mind or your life.  She has taken advantage of her position and of your son trying to keep peace with her.  I was there too, believe me, but I am not as good and patient as you.  I was lucky and things began to change.  I couldnt take it anymore and decided to draw my line too. 

You are having indeed a bad day...but you will be ok again.  There is much more to be written to this story.  Some good has to come out of this, you'll see. 

Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:


What is sad is that some of our AC are in for a big surprise when their children end up just like them - not caring for his/her parents, much less anyone else when they are grown.  Like it's been said before - Karma! 

Hugs to all of you who are hurting due to their AC.  I, too, have those times but I do not have it nearly as bad as some do.   


Pen, I didn't mean that to come across as your DS is being a wimp. I think he's doing exactly what you said - trying to make his marriage work and honor his wife. DIL and her FOO take advantage of that. What concerned me is that I've seen more than one relationship though where the person who has to do all the giving and compromising eventually gets tired of it and resentment sets in. It may make things peaceful in the short term but do damage in the long run.