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Grrrrr and OUCHHHH

Started by AnnieB, August 20, 2009, 11:08:14 am

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Luise -

That's a good one!!  :)


I read it from somewhere - "If three people call you a horse, buy a saddle" :D

The message for me was that if I hear from more than one source that I come across this way or that way, I need to take a serious look at myself. One of my weak spots has been and continues to be, the incessant complaining part. I can go on about saying what is wrong without noticing what is right. Habits take conscious effort to change. And through practicing new behaviours I can turn those into habits. I remember reading the following quote and it struck me like a lightning.

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

Just felt like sharing.


August 31, 2009, 02:10:17 pm #47 Last Edit: August 31, 2009, 02:12:38 pm by AnnieB
Yep, I think Alice has got it... for me, the "wince" comment is simply something I've learned about myself...

When someone says something and I either go into "wince" or "denial" mode, that's usually because there's something in there I need to hear.   

Most if not all of the time, the person saying it doesn't intend to cause me to wince or deny, they just happened to hit close to the mark!

I now consider it a helpful reminder to myself to listen up!



Yup! I agree AnnieB - I am the same way. If something stings in me - I realise, hey how come? And it tells me something new about myself. I have learned to appreciate when people mirror back to be the parts about myself that I would not so much like to face myself. But I know I have to. I have come to accept those parts as well. Because that way I can do something about it.


All of you have come so far that it's hard for me to keep up with all the learning of new things.

I'm's like a college class with new ideas and tests to take.  I never expected so much when I first listed my steps a DIL will take to ruin your life!

This is the first and only place where both sides can hear, learn and accept each! 


Quote: As to coming to visit some time, I am welcome as long as I don't talk about it.

You want life to happen on your terms. If it doesn't you choose not to participate? Just because she doesn't want to talk about the issue (probably not wanting to have another argument, not really wanting to get hurt) doesn't not mean you are not welcome.

Quote: She won't acknowledge the apology letter I sent.

As you said previously yourself, she needs more time, she is not ready to talk about it. This does not mean she will not ever acknowledge the letter.  Whatever the case now, that is her choice. That is her decision. You have done your part. The rest has to be let go.

Quote: The message I am getting from her (which may not be the message she means to send) is that she does not wish to have a relationship with me of any depth.

I like the part "which may not be the message she means to send" because it shows your skills of analysis and open mindedness.
Let's assume she doesn't, what then? I understand that you have an idea what the relationship between the two of you could be like. What if your idea doesn't match her idea of the relationship? This can well happen, since people's ideas about intangible notions like "respect", "love", "being nice", "coldness", "friendship", etc. differs a great deal. What the phrase "relationship of depth" means to you, might be entirely different from how she understands it.

Quote: The real issue, to me, is that I feel as though my DIL doesn't care enough about me to talk to me about this.

It hurts. Caring and love is all people really want. And too often we experience ignorance. This sentence carries a lot of sadness for me. Here's a big hug for you!

AliceV... this is what I would say to AnnieB, if I had your gift of language.  Well-put and what I hope our dear Annie B reflects on most. 

AnnieB - you deserve to savor all that love your son, DIL and grandchild offer to you.  I hope you see the bounty before you, that awaits you, and seize it and make it yours.


September 01, 2009, 06:08:09 pm #51 Last Edit: September 01, 2009, 06:11:11 pm by AnnieB
Sassy.... I think you aren't reading my posts or understanding me very well.  I do appreciate your concern but... please ... you are misunderstanding me completely.  There's a dialog going on, please more closely read my responses and the exchange between several people, including myself.  :)   


Annie, I assure you I did read your posts, the dialogue and also clicked through on the link to your blog.  (I write grandson instead of granddaughter sometimes, my apologies!)

Maybe I do not understand what you mean.  I honestly do not mean to upset you with my interpretation.  I want to show you what I think might be there for you.  I think this can make you happy?   I think I see a DIL who had a fight with you after the funeral, based on what you may or may not have said about how her anger shows, and compounded by what her husband may or may not have told her you said, and it became a terrible row with her husband, and you.  I see a DIL who wants to cool down with a little space, and drop the hot potato. 

And I did read what you wrote about the apology you wrote in response to her silence.  And what her further silence might say to you.  To you this is like being sent to your room without a say.  And the further discussions, which you do understand will be heated, you need to resolve the misunderstanding, to clear your name.  But I think she wants to move past that night's fight, to another day.  And I think she senses (not incorrectly)  you do not want the same.

The open invite, as long as you do not bring up this sensitive subject, I see as a "pardon" and yet that despite the pardon, you still want to defend your case.  Being denied the right to defend yourself, is worse than being sentenced, in a sense. Or in sales, we call it "selling past the close."  This is probably the part where you think I misunderstand you the most?

If you prefer I not add my thoughts to your story, I will not.  I read many stories here, and yours seems to me to be the one that has the most hope and the the most love to be salvaged!!  I am sorry you are worried for your son's marriage to her, but I don't think you can "save" someone else's marital relationship no matter what words you say, it is up to them.... and they still want you to come see them in your home.  That to me, is an opportunity!  You may not always have that window open, but you do now. 

Of course, I bring my own baggage. I am a woman who loves my MIL.  I respect her, and I miss her. My MIL wants engagements with me (much different than yours, however) and her son (unlike you) that we can't give her.  And if she could just BE with us, then we would love to be with her.  And it breaks my heart, and my fiance's heart, AnnieB.  So that is my perspective.

I wish you love with your family.


The other post I did says more -- I think you are misinterpreting some of what I say, though I do think you are right that I need to give it a rest.

However, I am giving it a rest with her.  This is where I come to talk about how I feel about giving it a rest.   I don't need my posts to be analyzed, really.  I'm ranting, processing, grieving, etc.

Neither you nor I needs to figure out why she said what she said.  Neither you nor I needs to figure out if my son deserved the treatment he got (though of course, as his mother, I will hold my own judgment :) )     

I really think it is better to give advice when asked for it on fresher posts (and I don't think I asked for advice).  This is Rule #1 for MIL's -- don't give advice you aren't asked for!!   ;D

And to spend time here supporting others and, if needed, seeking insight about our own problems.

But again, I do think you are right that I need to give her and the whole issue time.  (and actually,

But FYI, it isn't my wish to talk to her about the original issues, I don't want to talk about why she did this, etc.  I am SO not wanting to discuss any of that. 

The talk I want with her is about our relationship, broader topics such as how I should have talked to her first if I had doubts, how we can heal our relationship, letting her know she can be mad at me and say things to me and it won't ruin our relationshiop, etc. etc. etc. -- I surely don't want to get into all the junk that started this, because the other thing I learned the HARD way is that that was really none of my business! <--- she says, choking on the words, and I won't mind letting her know that (because someday she is gonna be a MIL of her son's wife, too).


Unfortunately, I need to let people know without being harsh or mean when they are doing something that doesn't work for me.   I think that should be OK.  I don't think I passed any judgment on anyone, if I did, I apologize -- what I'm trying to do is say what works for me and what doesn't.

I can ask someone not to do something.  That doesn't mean they have to listen to me!  But to be uncomfortable with what someone is doing and not ask them to stop and tell them why doesn't work for me anymore.


QuoteBut to be uncomfortable with what someone is doing and not ask them to stop and tell them why doesn't work for me anymore.

This!!!  This!! Yes.  Yes.  (nodding head really fast)   
  I should have told them to just STOP.  Long ago.
Since there was NONE from me, it kept coming. 
Worse then the one before!   
  I would like to use this as my siggie.  Thank you AnnieB.  This to me, says I am in charge of me.  And I will not allow you to do something that will hurt me.  Either with words or actions.  Intentionally or otherwise.  For you can't hurt me if I don't let you!!