Author Topic: how do i talk to MIL?  (Read 1407 times)

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littlesauce927

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how do i talk to MIL?
« on: April 30, 2010, 11:03:15 AM »
hi there, I'm new and not sure if this would be the right place for this question, but I've read a lot of the postings on here and i really like a lot of your perspectives. I've asked this on another site a bit ago, but their advice went totally off my issue and they didn't understand that my problem doesn't need to be solved with cutting off my in-laws. I'm hoping that you ladies don't have the same one track minds.

I have been with my fiance for a year and a half and we have a 7 month old daughter. I have always had a great relationship with his mom. I constantly update her on our daughter, she babysits all the time. She is a wonderful grandma. I have no problems with how she cares for my daughter. I can honestly say that I love her. My own mom died when i was young, and she's sort of filled that place. She's there if I need her, but is not overbearing or trying to push her way into my life. She is a wonderful person.

My problem (and I didn't even know it was a problem until my fiance talked to me about it) is that he does not think how I talk to her is appropriate. Let me explain. She is full of advice on how to care for my daughter. Many things I either agree with, but there are somethings that I don't. It is my belief that as her mother, what people do with her needs to be something I'm OK with. If I don't agree with a suggestion she brings up, I feel I have every right to tell her, because I don't want her doing something with my daughter that I'm against. Whenever something like this comes up, I am very respectful to her, tell her my feelings, she listens and says "OK, I understand" and then the conversation is over. I had the feeling that things were going well. But then my fiance tells me that he finds me disagreeing with his mom to be inappropriate and that I should just agree with her, talk to him later, and then he will talk to her. I really don't see the point in this. I am our daughters mother. If someone wants to do something with her, and it's not OK with me, I feel I should be allowed to voice my opinions. What do you ladies think? I think this may be more of a problem with my fiance then with MIL

Offline Pen

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Re: how do i talk to MIL?
« Reply #1 on: April 30, 2010, 11:25:36 AM »
I would be so happy if my DIL would talk to me. Has your FDH indicated that your FMIL has said anything about this to him?  If not, I would continue on as before, since you have every right to decide how to care for your daughter. As long as you are treating your FMIL with consideration and politeness while expressing your desires, it should all be good. You sound like a vey thoughtful  FDIL.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

littlesauce927

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Re: how do i talk to MIL?
« Reply #2 on: April 30, 2010, 11:39:04 AM »
Well thank you =) I've always tried to be thoughtful and courteous to everyone. It goes a long way in helping keep the peace. Even if it's in a disagreement, there never needs to be harsh words or lack of respect. My fiance never indicated that his mom had these feelings, just that he did. I had decided that until she brought it up, I wouldn't change a thing. And she's never brought it up. I'm thinking he's just worried because no one's ever stood up to his mom before and he thinks the fur's gonna fly every time we don't agree.

Marilyn

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Re: how do i talk to MIL?
« Reply #3 on: April 30, 2010, 11:42:20 AM »
Welcome littlesauce,I have to agree with you,and what penstaman said.
Ask your fiance if your FMIL has complained.I see no problem with what your doing.

Hope you get some more input,there are a lot of wise women here.


Sending you a hug!

Offline Pen

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Re: how do i talk to MIL?
« Reply #4 on: April 30, 2010, 11:42:43 AM »
Well, bless him for being concerned for his mom. "They" say you can tell how a man will treat his wife by how he treats his mother. I'm sure there are exceptions :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Birdy

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Re: how do i talk to MIL?
« Reply #5 on: April 30, 2010, 03:18:54 PM »
To me this sounds more like you have a FDH problem more then a MIL problem.  Sometimes I have the same issue!

I agree with the others and ask your FDH if your MIL has said something to him or is this coming from him and his thoughts.

If you feel you have a good enough relationship with her (sounds like you do).  Then bring it up.

I have always found the truth to always work, so I would just tell her exactly what you typed here.  Let her know that it is FDH that thinks this and not you and ask her if there is a problem.

Just because someone gives advice does not mean you are required to take it.

As a side note - My DH tells me all the time that he knows what his mom is thinking/feeling because he knows his mom.  Last time I looked he wasn't a mind reader and he has caused more issues and problems then good because I listened to him on how to handle/react/deal with a situation with his mom then just going with my own gut and dealing/talking to her myself.

Good luck!




littlesauce927

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Re: how do i talk to MIL?
« Reply #6 on: April 30, 2010, 03:43:16 PM »
Thanks ladies... I'll chat her up next time I bring my little one over to visit. I'm pretty sure it's gonna be a non-issue. Silly men always going and stiring things up, lol. Him mentioning it made me really think there was a problem, but I think he's just being weird. Thanks for all the advice =)

Marilyn

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Re: how do i talk to MIL?
« Reply #7 on: April 30, 2010, 03:46:18 PM »
Good luck,let us know what happens!

Carmexx

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Re: how do i talk to MIL?
« Reply #8 on: April 30, 2010, 07:37:40 PM »
To me this sounds more like you have a FDH problem more then a MIL problem.  Sometimes I have the same issue!

I agree with the others and ask your FDH if your MIL has said something to him or is this coming from him and his thoughts.

If you feel you have a good enough relationship with her (sounds like you do).  Then bring it up.

I have always found the truth to always work, so I would just tell her exactly what you typed here.  Let her know that it is FDH that thinks this and not you and ask her if there is a problem.

Just because someone gives advice does not mean you are required to take it.

As a side note - My DH tells me all the time that he knows what his mom is thinking/feeling because he knows his mom.  Last time I looked he wasn't a mind reader and he has caused more issues and problems then good because I listened to him on how to handle/react/deal with a situation with his mom then just going with my own gut and dealing/talking to her myself.

Good luck!





Same here, Birdy! I've also gotten in trouble by listening to what my husband thinks I should do with his mom.

Littlesauce, it sounds like you and your MIL have a great, open, and honest relationship (I actually feel a little jealous!) and I agree with all the other posters that you should just continue as you have been.

Hope

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Re: how do i talk to MIL?
« Reply #9 on: April 30, 2010, 08:20:14 PM »
Littlesauce,
Welcome!  It's nice to have dil's here who care enough to ask our opinions (and hopefully you can help us out too).  It was enjoyable to read how much you love your fmil.  I see you as a very caring person.  It sounds like your fmil respects you and values your relationship as well.  I agree with everyone else that there's no harm in continuing as you have been doing.  I would like to add that it would mean an awful lot to your fmil if you were to write her a note or tell her how much she means to you.  If you told her in the same fashion as you wrote about her in your post, it would make the times you disagree with her softer.  And you probably can't tell her too often.  We are here to see you through.  Please come back to let us know how it went or to discuss anything else.
Hugs, Hope

Offline luise.volta

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Re: how do i talk to MIL?
« Reply #10 on: April 30, 2010, 08:41:13 PM »
I agree with you 100%. What your guy is suggesting is called triangulation...and is the "he said/she stuff" that destroys relationships. It sounds to me like a control issue and I feel you need to let him know that how you express yourself is about you not him and will stay that way.

As soon as someone tells us what to say and how to say it...we are headed for trouble and the sooner you catch it the better.

Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

littlesauce927

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Re: how do i talk to MIL?
« Reply #11 on: April 30, 2010, 11:10:40 PM »
Hope- Thank you for your your warm welcome. Everyone here is so kind  :) I do plan on going through and giving my opinion where appropriate whenever I get a free chance. I've also been planing on writing a very nice Mothers Day card for her that I know is going to make her cry (in a good way. She crys at everything, good or bad).

Louise- I just talked to FDH about this and he told me if I feel I need to address things with her directly to go right ahead, but that if we (she and I) get into an argument, it's not his fault. I think this is his way of thinking because he's fairly argumentative and has problems sorting out issues in an adult fashion. I really don't think his mom and I are ever going to have the all out scream fest he's picturing. But atleast he's fine with me voiceing my opinions to her.

I'll be going over this week and bring this up and see if she has ever had a problem with how I speak to her. I am pretty sure there isn't going to be any problems... I will update after we talk =)