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Fair visitation

Started by stilltrying2010, June 26, 2012, 08:46:47 am

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Wanted to get outside opinion of fair visitation. 

We live away from both FOOs and will be travelling across country to see them shortly.  DH & I can't seem to agree so we end up going back & forth btwn his familys & mine.  For the 2 wks we will visiting, we will be at his familys for 5 days and my familys for 8.  The reason for the difference is that his just parents visited our home staying for 2 weeks. 

IS THIS FAIR?  Will is be perceived as unfair?  Suggestions appreciated.   


Oh no!  Not the fairness game again!  If you want to go straight down the middle with even time spent with each FOO, I think it's going to get very difficult. 

Is there anyway to stay in a hotel for the whole trip?  That's what I would do.  When I visit my own FOO and stay with them it doesn't feel very much like a vacation.  At a hotel someone makes my bed!
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift


I don't know about your DH's FOO... but for me... 5 days with company, especially kids, would be way more than I could handle.  But I don't think the 5 days and 8 days is unfair, unless someone is counting and getting insulted over it... in which case, the hotel suggestion is great.


It's not equal, but it's fair.

You won't be able to make everyone happy, so make your decisions (with DH of course) and go from there.  You don't have to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) your choices to anyone.

Are your IL's likely to complain?


I agree.  I don't blame you one bit for wanting to stay with your FOO more since you just had his FOO for 2 weeks.  Of course, I can see that and understand.  I think Scoop asked the important question.  Can they see that and understand?
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


My Take: You two need to agree. That's it. And the sooner you learn not to give a rip how it is perceived the better! ;)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

lancaster lady

how far apart do the GP's live from one another ?
do you ever get together as a whole , or always separate families ?
If you all got together for some days , then the separation wouldn't be an issue .
During the first year of being a GP , I was lucky to get one hour , so I think they both should
consider all visitation as a treat , either short or long ..


I say divide the 14 days into 3rds:  one for his family, one for yours and one for your own little family vacation.  Find a nice or fun motel/hotel and play in the pool and relax.


Well, hats off to you if you can visit family and stay with them for that long without some major conflicts.  You must be doing something really right!!  I always stay in a hotel these days but I didn't use to and I can never recall it ever being an issue where we spent more time.
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)


I think you are very kind to think of this issue, though it is misplaced imho. Personally I would be thinking of quality of time, not quantity - for your  family. Work it out with each other and tell the foo's what has been decided - no need to jade at all.  They should love you and want you to do what works best for you. If there are any eggshell two steps involved, all the more reason to schedule what works for you and your husband. Phooey on what the foo's think - do what works for you.  Just decide and get on with it and enjoy your time with both of them however it is divided.


Re: that JADE thing - yes, I agree that you don't have to explain yourself to anyone but it does help the FOO that gets less time with the family to understand what's going on.  There are plenty of FOOs here who feel shafted when the other FOO gets more attention.   I think it's thoughtful of you to be concerned about them.


Oh Elise, I don't think the OP's worry is misplaced.  You know we're all dealing with the same type of person here, and some people are NEVER satisfied. 

Once, early in our marriage, we went and spent a week with the IL's.  Out of that time, we took a day and went to visit MIL's family, about 2 hours away.  It was fun for DH to show me his GP's house and 'the lake' ect.  When we got back, MIL told us that she expected us to stay another day because we took a day and we "owed" her.

Doe, I agree that an explanation would be nice, especially if you can say "well, sometimes we spend longer with you, sometimes we spend longer with my family, it's just not your turn this time".  But again, it depends what kind of person you're speaking with.  Some people are like the telemarketers who are trained to NOT take "no" for an answer, and for every "explanation" you give, they have a reason why it's not good enough.  THOSE are the kind of people that should not get an explanations.


Is "JADE" the new buzz word?  Like CO... and Time out... and 2yes-1no... and boundries, and Toxic?  I've learned a whole new vocabulary since having DIL problems..  lol!!  Sometimes out of common curtesy and respect one has to JADE in order to avoid hurt feelings.  I see nothing wrong with explaining ones actions in order to have people understand the reasons behind it.  Of course you (general) don't have to JADE, but that to me would indicate that someones feelings and/or misunderstanding the situation is  not important and if they don't like it... they can just lump it.  Not how one treats parents IMO.   I think it's very nice of you to be concerned that they may be upset.


JADE's been around for several years, at least.  It came up when I saw a counselor to deal with my issues with the son and daughter-in-law.

I was resistant to try it at first - it does sound rude.  But as it was explained to me, women are socialized from birth to do it, and feel guilty if they don't.  Men are not socialized to JADE.  They say, "No, that won't work," and that's the end of it.

JADE-ing is a submissive behavior.  It's something you have to do to people with power over you - your bosses, your teachers, and other authority figures.  But once you're an adult woman, you have to resist this behavior.  If you routinely "show submission" to other adults, they will begin to behave as if they have authority over you and your decisions.  Then the real problems start: they try to change your mind by wheedling, arguing, invalidating your feelings, and so on.

It's a chicken-and-egg problem:  do women JADE because they have less status and importance, or do they have less status because they feel compelled to JADE?

Anyway, a quick (one-sentence) explanation to the parents is probably okay.  If they accept it, that's great.  But if it turns into a five-minute interrogation, or they get hurt feelings, then that's a danger sign, and you need to stop JADE-ing with them in the future.


I can understand how "JADEing" can be constrewed as submissive,  how ever the "I don't owe you an explanation for anything"  is just plain rude... especially when it's used to hurt someone or disregard their feelings.  Of course no one owes anyone an explanation, but what a callous would we would live in.   When it's used that way against family or people who are supposed to be loved ones, it can be hurtful.  There are ways to deliver verdicts without being callous. There are ways to spare the feelings of others.  I don't think it's proper to hurt someone just because you can or have a right to.   I have a right to wear a string bikini, but that doesn't make it less hard on the eyes... right?   I think the operative word here is being "considerate" of how others are affected by our actions.