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DS almost in tears....

Started by themuffin, June 25, 2012, 07:19:56 am

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...because FDIL decided that she didn't want us to see the baby.  Even went to the trouble of sending 21 texts which I didn't respond to.  I've come to the conclusion that FDIL has some mental issues.  DS agrees as well.  The reason I feel this is because she is all over the place.  This is the person who will text me how much she doesn't like me and a week later, ask me to pick something up for her since I'm "so good at finding things".  This is the same FDIL who calls me when she has issues with DS...but sends me texts on how phony I am.  Same FDIL who was coming over every weekend with DS and who called me to let me know what was going on with DS when he was in the hospital.  She's also the same person who had no problem cashing our $1000 check just two days prior to the baby's birth,  to cover the rent so she would have a place to bring the baby to. She's confusing to say the least. 

So yesterday morning at 2:50 am she starting a series of 21 texts on how much she doesn't like me, how we will never be friends and how she doesn't want her daughter anywhere around me because I would tell the baby terrible things about her.  I truly believe she would benefit from medication. 

I didn't even respond.  I simply texted DS that she sent more negative stuff and if we could still see the baby.  We didn't hear from him until way later and he was truly upset.  He sounded miserable and I honestly felt sorry for him.  I told him that the most important thing was for him to keep peace in his home and enjoy his baby. I explained that while we were saddened that we are not allowed to see our first grandchild that we would be okay. 

So I cried my little heart out and stayed in bed for the entire day.  His younger brother, the only one he still gets along with, the one who DS has always soon love and admiration toward was angry with DS.  Truly angry.  He said he didn't care what FDIL has written, he wanted to see what his brother was going to do. When he learned that DS was not doing anything, he said that he's lost all respect for him.  He even used some French to describe his feelings toward both of the.  I didn't tell this to DS because I knew it would only futher upset him. 

So, yesterday I mourned the grandchild I would never know.  She's not dead, thank God.  She's healthy and I'm sure she'll be happy.  She just won't know us.  Sad and difficult as it was it didn't kill me.  I'm still here.  And I still have many wonderful blessings!

Have a great day ladies!!!

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TM, I'm sorry to hear that things have turned out this way. You're handling it well, IMO, leaving the door open and not adding to the drama. Take good care of your self during this time. I hope your DS steps up and turns things around. (((hugs)))
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


TM, I feel for you and for your DS.  What a pickle he's gotten himself into.  I think my son is in something similar but he actually married the woman thinking things would change after marriage.  They do not!  I'm disappointed in my son, too but I also understand the notion of 'leaving and cleaving' and it sounds like you do, too.  I know that his first and foremost allegiance is to his wife so what are you gonna do?  I'll cross my fingers that your DS won't marry this woman.

I keep thinking, is there any way at all  you could change your phone number so these texts would end? 

I also get the feeling that with these mood swings, your DIL will allow you to see the baby at some point, especially if you don't react to the yo-yo she's on.  I know this is tough though.  We're here with you.


I, too, am sorry that you are up against this, Muffin. It sounds like you are facing it, not denying how it hurts, and being realistic.  Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

lancaster lady

Where there's love , there's hope Muffin .
Never say never , I was faced with similar when my GD was born , that I couldn't see her until I had made up with
FDIL . She changed personalities when the baby was born , so perhaps hormones have a lot to do with it .
Your DS won't know what planet he 's on , so keep him close , he needs you now .
My then FDIL convinced my DS that the baby was more her daughter than his , and he didnt have as much
rights as she ....!
Move forward two years and she is glad for anyone to take her now .
Take everything with a pinch of salt if you can , be careful what you say , as it could be used
against you .....
Who would be a MIL ...... :o


Thank you so much for the support.   ;D  Pen,  as much as I wanted to respond to her text I knew it would be better to send nothing.  I had already asked her nicely to not contact me again with negative texts.  When I wrote to DS I told him that I was not going to respond to her and that she had been told this already. Pen, you are so right that anything I would have written would have added to the drama. 

DOE, while I was writing this repsonse I got a call from DS. Yep, he knows he's in a pickle.  He called me from therapy.  He really sounds fed up.  He apologized for her again.  Even said that her mother said she was wrong for keeping the baby from us.  We got an invitation to see her today, but I don't know how I feel about that.  I was in a very bad place yesterday.  I'm almost embarrassed about how low I let this get me.  My son brought me food and told me I had to eat.  I read the "I love you forever" book at least four times.  My sweet FDIL even went and got me a card and wrote how much she loved me and to please cheer up.  I was a mess.  I don't want to give her that power again. I'm okay today.  I don't want to lose another day like yesterday.

I don't know what to do!!!! Should we go?

Thanks for the love and support Luise....it means so much!

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I'll second that Hormone notion.  My DIL got progressively meaner and hostile  toward me with every baby.  This last one really sent her wacky-doodle.  Keep the faith though.. she was able to keep the kids away from me for a year.  It took my DS that long to get tired of seeing his mother hurt and excluded and put his foot down.  They go along to get along at first, BUT the more time that goes by and the more unreasonable their wives are,  they see things for what they really are.  Right now she is top priority.  He will work on getting his child to know you, because you are very important to him too.  You are right to not make an issue of it and make him feel worse.  Let him rectify the situation.



Thanks for the words of advice LL. I don't think it's her hormones.  I think it's her insecuritiies.  I believe that she feels if he's alienated from his family he'll never leave her.  She wants him to be totally dependent on her.  It's amazing you should say that your FDIL somehow made it seem as if she were more of a parent then him.  My FDIL is doing the same thing.  I feel like it's her baby and DS is just around.  If he truly felt like an equal parent we would have been allowed to visit just as her mother is allowed to visit.  Not sure if I've ever mentioned that my DS and her mother don't get along and he's not welcome in her home. 

In FDIL 21 texts she made sure to point out that her mother could come see the baby whenever she wanted.  DS said he saw some of her texts (she deleted some of the bad stuff, but he asked to see it and I sent it) and he was so upset that the ugliness that he punched a hole in the wall.  He told her that she was making him ill and that it had to stop.  We'll see what happens.  I just don't want to get hurt.  I can't control him, but I have some control over me. 

I don't think FDIL will ever come around.  Even if she did, her moods change like the tide. I don't trust letting myself care for her again.  I only have two cheeks, thank you very much.  She kicked both of them.

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If you don't go you are completing the conflict circle, and giving her the power . Make her as irrelevant to your heart as you can, any conflict between DIL and DS's FOO obscures the problem, her. It's great that you are being supportive to your son, looks like he's going to need as the help he can get.


I think you should go, mostly because if you don't she'll see that acting like that means she gets her way. If your DS wants you to see your GD, then you should. You're supporting your son without buying into her drama, and he is going to take notice of that - that she is the one who put him in the middle, not you.


Thanks TMB....I am leaning toward going. 

LOL, wacky-doodle...LOVED that.  Made me laugh for the first time today. Sadly, my FDIL was wacky-doodle before the pregnancy hormones.  She came in fighting and looks like she's going out that way.  She had problems with me from the very beginning.  I always told son that it saddened me that he would pick someone who was against his family.  I told him that when you fall in love they are suppose to add to the family...In addition to...Not...instead of.  He didn't listen.  I think he wishes he had now.  Not only is she trying to keep him from his family, he doesn't even have a relationship with her family.  He's miserable.

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Trying and New Mama....I'm going!!!!   ;D For exactly the reasons you gave.  And because I do want to see my grand daughter.  If I don't go she'll use it against us and somehow make it that we didn't really care in the first place.  Nope, we are going.  Now to tell the hubby!

Thanks ladies...I truly adore you all. ;D

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First, I'm very sorry and I know it hurts.

I'm going the opposite way.  I vote no.  I know you want to see the baby, but in my head, after all the ugly things that were said and no apologies....it's like telling her that was ok.  Her on again, off again behavior is playing puppet master with you because of the baby.   She is being mean but doesn't mind using you when it suits her purpose.  I'm glad DS is in therapy to help him and I hope he steps up and says, "You'll not treat my family this way."
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


Ummm.....nevermind!  Go and have a good time muffin!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell