Author Topic: I am back and it is not a good thing......  (Read 1514 times)

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dirtyglassgrl

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I am back and it is not a good thing......
« on: April 27, 2010, 05:23:20 PM »
Hello ladies, I am back here again and it is not a good thing.  Not because I dislike it here, very much the opposite, but because I am worried about something and I wanted to talk to you all about it here where I can get some perspective and information. 
  Here it is, my dd who is my husbands only bio kid, had an injury.  She is totally fine now and all mended up, we are all ok.  While she was laid up, we got a very very nice get well package for her from my FIL's sister.  It was very thoughtful and very pricey, and dd did really enjoy it.  I was not sure how to feel about it.  I will explain best I can.  We do not speak to FIL due to his wife's nasty attitude to me and my other kids.  She has made it clear she will do and say "whatever it takes" to break up my marriage and to cause me pain and that she "can't stand" my other kids but wants a relationship with my dh and dd.  We told them no way no how that is not our family will work.  The package came from FIL's sister who is best friends with his wife.  She gleans information from the family about us and our kids for the wife, she has admitted it in the past and anytime we have seen her she has pressed us to "say sorry" so the wife.  We feel we did no wrong and will not do this.  Her tactics and pressure have made us stop talking to her, this is the first time we have had any contact with her since last year.  Dh sent her a gushing thank you card and even went as far as to extend an invite to our home to her.  I am not comfortabe with this and I am sure she will be in touch soon.  How do I navigate such a visit?  I know after the visit there will be an phone call to FIL and his wife to give them any info on us.  I am scared of the fallout.  Please help!  Thanks

1Glitterati

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Re: I am back and it is not a good thing......
« Reply #1 on: April 27, 2010, 06:36:03 PM »
Hello ladies, I am back here again and it is not a good thing.  Not because I dislike it here, very much the opposite, but because I am worried about something and I wanted to talk to you all about it here where I can get some perspective and information. 
  Here it is, my dd who is my husbands only bio kid, had an injury.  She is totally fine now and all mended up, we are all ok.  While she was laid up, we got a very very nice get well package for her from my FIL's sister.  It was very thoughtful and very pricey, and dd did really enjoy it.  I was not sure how to feel about it.  I will explain best I can.  We do not speak to FIL due to his wife's nasty attitude to me and my other kids.  She has made it clear she will do and say "whatever it takes" to break up my marriage and to cause me pain and that she "can't stand" my other kids but wants a relationship with my dh and dd.  We told them no way no how that is not our family will work.  The package came from FIL's sister who is best friends with his wife.  She gleans information from the family about us and our kids for the wife, she has admitted it in the past and anytime we have seen her she has pressed us to "say sorry" so the wife.  We feel we did no wrong and will not do this.  Her tactics and pressure have made us stop talking to her, this is the first time we have had any contact with her since last year.  Dh sent her a gushing thank you card and even went as far as to extend an invite to our home to her.  I am not comfortabe with this and I am sure she will be in touch soon.  How do I navigate such a visit?  I know after the visit there will be an phone call to FIL and his wife to give them any info on us.  I am scared of the fallout.  Please help!  Thanks

And that's why you need to sit down with your dh and rescind that invitation he gave out without asking you about it first. 

I'm curious...have you guys ever told her why you haven't been speaking with her? 

Orly

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Re: I am back and it is not a good thing......
« Reply #2 on: April 27, 2010, 06:39:50 PM »
Let her come.   You need to practice your arts of small talk without giving out any information.  Keep it to the weather, civic building projects and window shopping or the latest restaurant you enjoyed.  Change the subject whenever she brings up your FIL and his wife (is she his second one? I'm not clear on that) with the "OH, let's not discuss parties not here....it just seems too much like gossip!"  "What have you being doing lately, you LOOK so well rested!"

If she does call to set up a visit....make it an early one in the day.  Stop worrying about the follow up call, you have NO control over that, so why fret over it.  Really, you need to stop looking for the speed bump in the road ahead.....she may not contact you at all and if she does, you'll handle it.

1Glitterati

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Re: I am back and it is not a good thing......
« Reply #3 on: April 27, 2010, 06:54:26 PM »
Let her come.   You need to practice your arts of small talk without giving out any information.  Keep it to the weather, civic building projects and window shopping or the latest restaurant you enjoyed.  Change the subject whenever she brings up your FIL and his wife (is she his second one? I'm not clear on that) with the "OH, let's not discuss parties not here....it just seems too much like gossip!"  "What have you being doing lately, you LOOK so well rested!"

If she does call to set up a visit....make it an early one in the day.  Stop worrying about the follow up call, you have NO control over that, so why fret over it.  Really, you need to stop looking for the speed bump in the road ahead.....she may not contact you at all and if she does, you'll handle it.

That's a very good point.

dirtyglassgrl

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Re: I am back and it is not a good thing......
« Reply #4 on: April 28, 2010, 09:10:15 AM »
She knows why we have not spoken to her in a year, she was told the last time she called to try to talk us into "making up".  DH told her his relationship with his parents was not her concern and that it was the last time he was going to put up with it.  I do not like her at all if I can be honest.  She is always gossiping, and trying to force people to do things they have told her they will not do and she has no problem to tell people what she thinks of their lifestyle choices, weddings, child raising, clothes and spiritual beliefs.  She will come over, she loves to find out things for FIL and his wife.  I do not even want her in my house.  I am upset with my husband for initiating all this stuff to begin with.  If I had been home I would have honestly sent it back return to sender. 

cremebrulee

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Re: I am back and it is not a good thing......
« Reply #5 on: April 28, 2010, 12:25:20 PM »
I would let her come, what she carrys back to your FIL, well, let me put it this way, she will carry things back to him  no matter what, however, you are the better person...keep the visit short...make plans for afterwards...and if she is one to stay long, you have an out that way...do not talk about any personal things, and don't mention FIL...small talk is good...be nice, smile a lot and forget about the past...whatever happens, happens...you never know, something very good could come out of this...however, I would definately talk to your husband and make certain that from now on, any future visits need to be discussed between the two of you first....

It probably won't be nearly as bad as you think...if you can, think of all of this as small potatos and just carry on as usual...don't get involved in the family politics or allow them to upset you...

Good Luck
Creme

Sassy

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Re: I am back and it is not a good thing......
« Reply #6 on: April 28, 2010, 02:36:36 PM »
Looks like DH bought you and MIL a meal at a nice restaurant.  :-\

DH wants to see his mother.  He also wants you to see his mother.
He didn't ask you first so you couldn't say no, of course.  But I still think there's room to compromise for comfort.
The more comfortable you are, the smoother the meeting will be.
 
Like if she does call, have this first meeting in a restaurant, instead of your home.  Out of his play budget.

Share w. DH what you consider private that you may want to keep conversations on very general basis with someone you're only getting to know again. 
Review w. him before the meal.  Thinking money, your career, your education, real estate, reproduction, health, vacations, short or long term goals.
If you think someone might try to sabotgae your efforts, this isn't always good stuff to share until you know.

If DH and MIL want a reunion, think about what limits could help make you feel safe as you take her temperature, what could still be nice for everyone.

littlesauce927

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Re: I am back and it is not a good thing......
« Reply #7 on: May 01, 2010, 01:35:39 AM »
I very much agree with Sassy, however, I believe it is the AIL that is coming for a visit, not MIL. Am I mistaken?

Anywho...definitely meet at a restaurant, anyplace but your home. You don't want her to go snooping around for more information than you want her to have. I also am for the idea of having something set up for after the visit so it does not run longer then you would like.

Make sure DH knows that this will not happen in the future. There are reasons that you do not speak to her and he needs to remember them. But I do not suggest not meeting with AIL. If you do that, your in-law will you as the bad one. Think about it... DH invited AIL over and then you said no. That really makes you seem like a bad person and they will hold it against you. Instead, go out for a nice lunch, chit chat about non personal things, and be as pleasent as possible. I'm not usually one for suggesting false niceness, but I really don't think this is worth putting up a fight over. It's just one visit and if played right can go along perfectly fine.

dirtyglassgrl

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Re: I am back and it is not a good thing......
« Reply #8 on: May 04, 2010, 11:34:25 AM »
Yes it is his aunt.  If it were his bio mom, it would not be an issue because I dearly love her alot.  And even if I did not love her it would be his mother and not a choice.  I do not feel like an aunt who is so far removed from someone deserves the same.  She did not raise him or put him through school.  I just do not see that the aunt deserves a valid chance again and again.  So far we have not heard from her but I am thinking she will try to come by when school is out as she is off in the summers and not too close to our area.  We shall see, dh told me if she does come I am free to leave with no consequences that day but he would like it if I did stay.  I am just still hurt about my sons being called names and pushed away.  I am an adilt I guess I can handle my own hurt feelings with these people, but when someone hurts my kids, that is so low it makes me a bear!

Hope

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Re: I am back and it is not a good thing......
« Reply #9 on: May 15, 2010, 10:54:00 PM »
Dirtyglassgirl,
I know what you mean - don't mess with my kids - whatever age they are!  They are my heart and I can't stand to see them be hurt.
I think we moms all feel that way.
Hugs, Hope