May 25, 2019, 03:17:23 am

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Why I'm sad today...

Started by AnnieB, August 20, 2009, 08:46:27 am

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 2 Guests are viewing this topic.

AnnieB

(this is from my MIL blog -- I couldn't figure out why I am feeling so blue today... so I started writing and ..aha... thought I would share this with you all, too...)

So, here it is, the 18th birthday of my youngest son - the only one not yet married. Though of course this is his day, I do find it amusing that on the birthday of anyone, our mothers are set aside, though they were the ones who carried us for 9 months and labored us into the world.

That, I suppose, is what Mother's Day is supposed to make up for. Still, on any one of my own sons' birthdays, I find myself remembering little bits of the day of delivery -- I don't mention it to them, but their birthday is the one day that still connects me to them, at least in my mind.

I find my recent experience - the one wherein I came to realize, I'm a Mother-in-Law, (shudder) has made me somewhat wiser but cynical about being a mother, as well as a mother in law. As I watch my youngest become an adult, I start to think, "why bother?" and "what's the point?"

His girlfriend (also 18) and I are on fairly good terms. But now, with the vast smarts cast upon me by visiting countless MIL hater websites and reading posts by DIL's, reflecting on my own minor wounds and happenings with my own DIL's (not to mention the major blow up with DIL #1), I raise one eyebrow as I view my son's GF and think -- mmm hmmm... it's just a matter of time.

What kind of an attitude is that, I ask only half laughing at myself!

Oh, probably realistic.

This all seems to me somewhat unrelated to being a MIL and DIL -- it's just what happens when our children grow up, leave home and marry. Or marry, leave home and grow up. In whatever order they do it. The key words though, are not "marry" or "grow up". It's "leave home" -- read "leave us".

It's what they are supposed to do, but it is difficult to accept. And we really are now just backdrop in their lives. It could be far worse, if we were some other species. I'm too lazy to do the research, but I wonder what happens in the animal kingdom when offspring grow up and have their own families. Do apes and gorillas invite their parents over every week-end? Do chimpanzee MIL's and DIL's fight? Maybe so, or maybe we can still argue we're not apes, gorillas, chimpanzees.

Still -- I do not like this feeling, I will admit it, that I am no longer a part of my married sons' lives except as needed for money, childcare, or obligatory visits on holidays. But there isn't really much I can do about it. And right now, I am struggling not to take this sad awareness out on my youngest son and his girlfriend/future fiancee -- at the moment I feel prone to snarl and snap at whoever she may be, to turn into the MIL from hell proclaiming, "Don't think you're gonna get rid of me that easy, Missy."

So, maybe now I'm coming to realize from whence the stereotypical MIL is born.

luise.volta

Interesting musings...thanks for sharing your thoughts. I do the same thing on my son's birthday but he does something quite wonderful. Whether we are alone or at a birthday gathering, when I wish him Happy Birthday...he grins and says..."And Happy Birthing Day to you, Mom!"

And of course it is hard to have an open mind regarding yet another DIL. She may be the exception to the rule, though, and a real winner. It happens!! Crossing my fingers for you!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

just2baccepted

You know, I really believe that my MIL decided from the beginning that I was stealing her child.  My SIL told my hubby/her brother that anytime we've have to break the plans to go to their house, which is very I rare(actually I can only think of doing it one time to be honest) then SIL said my MIL will say "I bet that's H..... doing I bet H...... just didn't want to come."  See she always blames me for things.  I would be careful in getting into that mind set because your future DIL may be open to a relationship the way I was.  But MIL totally shut that down and ran me off.  I"m sure she is really suffering now because my hubby doesn't visit as much as he used.  I know it may be hard but you may surprised how open this girl may be to you.  When I got married I first thought of my new in-laws as a new family.  But the decided to hate me from the beginning and not give me a chance.  I now consider it THEIR loss. Especially with the help from some on this board!

AnnieB

Yes, you're absolutely right, which is why I journaled (blogged) this and shared it.  It's when we write things down and share them that we become aware of them -- if we just let things seethe inside, we can surprise ourselves. 

What really got me was how much one bad MIL-DIL experience can mark things for others, if you don't pay attention to your inner workings.

I am thankful to this board and people like you, just2, who are on here.  It really helps to have people to share these thoughts with and work through them, so they don't get acted out on poor innocent future DIL's!!

luise.volta

I agree about writing. I often work through things with my fingers and my keyboard. :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Prissy

Anna,
Don't you think this site ranks right up there with sliced bread?  Or, the invention of the telephone?

I just don't know how we could get by without each other. 

luise.volta

August 21, 2009, 03:21:20 pm #6 Last Edit: August 21, 2009, 09:14:00 pm by luise.volta
Funny but this feels almost like "family" to me. I have a busy day and then it sit down at my computer thinking, "I wonder what the girls are up to?" And I smile, knowing you are there for me and loving that I can be there for you.






Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Prissy

I am so happy for you!  This is such an honor....you are not only our secret keeper and wisdom teacher but you are a star too!!!!

Congratulations, Luise :)

luise.volta

August 21, 2009, 03:48:07 pm #8 Last Edit: August 22, 2009, 12:50:12 pm by luise.volta
Thank you!  :D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

AnnieB

* AnnieB breaks into a rendition of... "We are fam-i-ly......"

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

luise.volta

Well, when we find others who care and are interested, it's sometimes like pulling the plug. That stuff piles up!! That's one of the things this site is for.

How wonderful that you feel a need has been met. :D

Those who have time to read really long epistles do; those that don't can skip to the last few paragraphs and get the gist of it. No one writes too much. There's no word count! ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

just2baccepted

I too am glad I found this forum.  I'd not of made it through last week. I'm not kidding when I say that.  My situation has all but destroyed my family I've worked very hard for. I was kinda left with the thought, "wow I gave up the best years of my life for this?".  Then I come here and see this is normal behavior in today's families. Reading what all you have had to say makes me feel like I'm not alone.  You all have made me feel like it's OK to get up each day and laugh, let it go, and say to myself "I'm OK!".


Good for you TamKat!!  I'm glad  you feel this way.  I know  that you have to look at the other positive things in your life.  My hubby and I just went to Hawaii and I got to snorkel for the first time.  When I was floating in the ocean and swimming with bright, fluorescent colored fish I promise you I didn't think about my crazy family.  Its moments like this that keep my life good!  We just have to look for these little moments ya know?

Cat

AnnieB
(this is from my MIL blog -- I couldn't figure out why I am feeling so blue today... so I started writing and ..aha... thought I would share this with you all, too...)

Your Blog made me cry.
I have a birthday coming up in 19 days, and this year I will be sending my Mother flowers, and sending her a birthday card.
Woman are not appreciated enough.
Thank you for this eye opener.

Regards.

SunnyDays09

(((((hugs)))))  all around.  ♥