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Another 360 degree turn

Started by artlady, June 10, 2012, 11:34:42 am

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This is an update. I spent the night with DD/ SIL and Gs this week. I was so pleasantly surprised at how gracious he was and nice. If you didn't see past post he was in the hospital a week or so ago for a blood clot in the portal vein of his liver. I'm not sure if the blood clot or the baby or both have maybe made a change in him but he reminded me of the guy before the wedding then the one from the reception til of late . He has lost right much weight( not really fat to start with), has to have blood work every week, on cumadin and will see specialist in Oct ( the earliest they could see him) Being that it is rare all of his work has been sent to Mayo. He is only 36 and had a clot in his leg, in 04.  His dad and step mom were coming up that week anyhow for a doctor appt for her so it was not a special trip to the hospital but dropped in when he got home that day from their appt , DD said they were very cold and their main concern was the pics on Facebook( someone told them about from my page) that they had not been shared with them . They have not called back to see how he is or come back. So all in all he should see we are supportive , I send card, text etc to him to let him know we were here for him. I was going up to stay with DD but he was coming home that day , she had to take baby to hospital as she didn't have enough milk to leave him so she had it under control and I was working the first two days he was in so he knows i was coming .  So all in all I have been praying things would change but not by an illness, so i do hope things will turn out OK  for him and that maybe we can all start to heal. DH is still a bit holding back , still hurt . 

Beth 2011

Hope all goes continues to go well for you all.  Wishing you continued peace and happiness and hope that SIL makes a quick recovery.

lancaster lady

Your love and support will shine through , and he will see you for the kind loving person you are .
Having a baby is like shock treatment for some men and women , they take time to recover .
Sorry your SIL is unwell and wish him a speedy recovery .


Sometimes something horrific like this is what it takes. Not anyone's choice...but values and priorities can shift as a result. Here's hoping! Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Artlady, something just came to me.  When DH and I were engaged, we had to take a pre-marital counseling class at church.  One of the strongest lessons I learned was that there would be times in our marriage when we would be IN sync, but also times when we would be OUT of sync.  Such that times when we've had differences  I chalked up to us being "out of sync" instead of assuming that we were drifting apart forever.

Imagine if we thought of that with all of our relationships?  Such that your SIL and you were in a period of being out of sync, instead of him having changed.

And now, you can take it as a learning experience, when he's in a high-pressure, life changing situation (marriage, baby, etc), THIS is how he reacts.    At these times, he wants MORE control and more input / consideration.  It will help your future relationship if, when he gets "like that", you can shrug it off, NOT take it personally, and wait until you're back "in sync".



That's just wonderful!  I hope this is a fresh start for all of you.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


I hear you Scoop my only thought on that is that I think he was on the path of how he was until this illness came along and with looking at his future with new marriage and baby might have been a whisper from above to him. He has been out of sync so long with his own family I don't' think his syncs come and go LOL. So I'm praying this is a new beginning for us all , including his family , although they didn't seem to let up on fussing about unimportant ( but to them it was way too important) Facebook posts/pics they didn't have . I'm going to do all I can to be as supportive as I can being a cancer survivor at 26 from a very rare and deadly cancer , I know how that wake up call can come at an early age , change your outlook on life. So if we are supportive and his own family is not then we will be the bigger adults in all of this . I 'm just keeping my hopes up . Now back to cleaning that has been waiting for months , the heavy duty stuff I hate . Hugs to all, anyone bored you can come help me   


Quote from: artlady on June 11, 2012, 11:06:21 am
He has been out of sync so long with his own family

Artlady, isn't his family the bunch of yobs who showed up and started complaining about pictures on facebook while he was deathly ill, or am I misremembering?  If I'm remembering correctly, it doesn't sound like being "in sync" with that bunch would be a very healthy thing to be, so I don't know that using his relationship with his own family is a good benchmark for his overall relationship skills, KWIM? 
This too shall pass.  All is well.


Oh yes they are the ones that pulled the Facebook complaints, but they were told if they wanted pics then if they asked for them they would send them but they never asked and the trip to see him was because they were in the area for a doctor appt for stepmom anyhow. They do not go out of their way for anyone but themselves. He got no skills from his side as it appears , his dad even told dd that when the baby was making ugly faces he got that from his mom ( DD). She didn't like that one and the fil thinks he is making jokes but he has always been known as the most sarcastic person in the world. ( so apples don't fall far  but we hope this one is bouncing back). Thanks


I agree with Elsiehayes.  From the way you have described his family it makes sense that he has problems with them.  I think any healthy adult would and would probably limit their time with people like that.  However, that is his relationship with his family and not to sound too harsh, he made those decisions for a reason and I don't think it has anything to do with you and his relationship.  That is separate and I assume that as a grown man he thinks through things individually, not a lump sum of relationships.  Just my take.

Sounds like everything is going well though!  Good for you!
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift


True and I just wish his dad and stepmom could be better as I feel all he needs to know from them is that that care and love him but at this point I don't' see that happening , especially his dad , I think he wants that relationship but his dad doesn't seem to care. Breaks my heart as that happens it seems a child only needs to feel and know that a parent loves them and sometimes that can heal so many things . This being his dad's first grandson i would have thought he would be more involved but he hasn't so that is hard to take and to see. SIL has some emotional scars from all of it so we just have to accept it as it is . I do hope things stay on the upward track and that he can get through this illness without much problem for the future.


I hope his health continues to improve and your relationships, too.   Good luck.  If you and DH are at different speeds in the relationship, that's ok.  You can't blame DH for being a bit cautious - once bitten twice shy, mutliplied.  Keeping my fingers crossed for you.


Now I'm glad I didn't get my hopes up too high , although I was getting there only to be bumped back to reality again. DD said they were trying to decide whether to come on Sat or Sun for Father's Day. Well guess what neither happened. So now DD says they will come this coming Sat. I"m to the point I"ll believe it when i see it . I have all ideas that the reason for this is that they want to avoid the brother of SIL at his dad's house so the trip was moved. So now they r going to do both houses in one day which i think will be hard for both the SIL and the baby ( as it will be his first trip at 5 months ) . WE are 70 miles from them and the SIl's dad is another 25 south of us .  So I think for them we should put all holidays, birthdays etc on one day of the year so they can at least do them lol 


In my long life, I have seen logistics often as a mask. When my intention is a positive one, logistics can be surmounted. That may not be true for others, but I have seen it time and time again in my own behavior. I used logistics as an excuse to get around relationship issues. It's a place I had to learn to tell the truth...at least to myself. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


well now he is back to the other 360 degrees. Came today for a visit with DD and GS( belated ) Fathers Day, never spoke to DH until he was leaving and just said " bye'. Sil really didn't have much to say to anyone , so he was back to his old self. I knew I didnt' need to get my hopes up that he had changed but I just thought maybe with the baby and the illness he was seeing things differently . So we are back to the same old same old SIl .