Author Topic: Mother - Grandmother - Woman  (Read 2339 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Doe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1278
    • View Profile
Re: Mother - Grandmother - Woman
« Reply #15 on: May 21, 2012, 06:42:29 AM »
I have decided to be open to him about what xDIL and FOO tell me and be open about my replies to them, if any. I have to reply to the email my xDIL sent, that's only common courtesy on the one hand but on the other it also allows me to see the GC soon, I hope.

If you're still looking for opinions, here's mine.  I wouldn't start telling anyone what other people said about them.  I would ask both DS and DIL/FOO to respect your position and to not put you in the middle by sharing the upsets and problems with you.   You just want to be the caring, loving GM/Mom, right?  Not a messenger for bad news, upsets, etc.
Besides, both parties are just venting, probably and you don't really need to pass that along, do you?

When you're DS, be the Mother.  When you're with DIL/GK, be the GM. 



Offline justanoldgrandma

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 180
    • View Profile
Re: Mother - Grandmother - Woman
« Reply #16 on: May 21, 2012, 07:27:58 AM »
I have decided to be open to him about what xDIL and FOO tell me and be open about my replies to them, if any. I have to reply to the email my xDIL sent, that's only common courtesy on the one hand but on the other it also allows me to see the GC soon, I hope.

If you're still looking for opinions, here's mine.  I wouldn't start telling anyone what other people said about them.  I would ask both DS and DIL/FOO to respect your position and to not put you in the middle by sharing the upsets and problems with you.   You just want to be the caring, loving GM/Mom, right?  Not a messenger for bad news, upsets, etc.
Besides, both parties are just venting, probably and you don't really need to pass that along, do you?

When you're DS, be the Mother.  When you're with DIL/GK, be the GM.


I know, i agree w Doe; when I said good luck talking w ds, even as I typed it I wondered about your telling ds about what ex dil and her foo say about him.....please don't pass on what they have said.  Even if your ds has made mistakes, there are two sides and if you tell him the grievances he will:

1.  be angry w you bc he will think you are criticising him; he may stop speaking to you, be defensive of his gf and of his actions, hard feelings will abound, and if he has the children w him for visits, etc, you may not be invited.....you don't want to lose your son and his maybe future gf and possible more gc

2. he will then be angrier w his ex and her foo and perhaps say some things, making it even harder for him to see his children....

Nothing good can come of repeating the grievances of a wife who has been left, regardless of the circumstances.  (I fortunately never repeated to my ds the things his ex gf and her foo said about him in emails to me; it would have hurt ds and also his relationship w me; no son wants his mother in these matters.)

I know you are hurt and want explanations but these explanations may never come or not for a long time.....

When you see or talk w your son, keep always in your mind the love you have for him and the gc.  Whatever he's done is really not important.  Don't make him try to justify leaving his ex.  Just tell him you love him, that you hope to stay close to the children....really, the shorter talks the better; if he wants to unload w you about his ex, let him but don't take sides.  It will get back to his ex and there goes the gc.

This is a touchy situation.  Try as Doe said to stay out of all discussions and conflicts and just let ds and gc know you love them, don't say anything about the gf, be polite to her, polite but don't sympathize w the dil should she talk w you.....listen if you must but no opinions or siding w either party.

Just be there for ds and gc, and give them the attention and love they need at this time.

This is preachy but i've had this type of thing happen before my eyes and it turn out well if the fire isn't fanned.  I do like Doe's suggestion, to be the Mother w ds, and the gm w dil/gks.

When upset, find a counselor or pastor to speak with; gossip/information at this time is disastrous; if someone asks you what the deal is, say something vague, like I don't really know.....everyone wants to know the details and you won't know them....

Thinking of you at this hard time! Again, sorry to go on and on but please follow Doe's advice.  Keeping ds and gks, regardless, is what is important, and not alienating dil or new gf.



Offline forever spring

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 254
  • forever spring
    • View Profile
Re: Mother - Grandmother - Woman
« Reply #17 on: May 21, 2012, 07:55:58 AM »
I am weaving a carpet for DS and new GF and will give it to them when we meet in 3 weeks' time. Is that good?
Will make little books for the GC to give to when I see them.
Still have to write an answer to xDIL's email. It's hard to find the right words without getting too involved.
Thanks again for listening. At this time this forum is a balm. Yes I do appreciate your advice as it is given with wisdom and care.

Offline justanoldgrandma

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 180
    • View Profile
Re: Mother - Grandmother - Woman
« Reply #18 on: May 21, 2012, 08:27:03 AM »
Forever, perfect!  You are taking care to make all feel that you care for them w/o taking sides or prying; and it's so great that you are going to see gc and getting ready for the visit; it puts the emphasis where it should be.

It is hard to think of what to say to ex dil w/o taking sides; maybe just to thank her for reaching out about the gc and to ask how and when it would be convenient for you to see the gkids......

I know it's not the same bc my ds wasn't married to his old gf and there were no children but she was truly like a dd to me and we honestly loved her and vice versa (and also her family.)  It was so hard and I miss her even today but ds is content w his wife and ex gf is happy w her dh.  DS wouldn't have listened to me, it was his choice to break up but he had conflicting feelings anyway; I'm so glad I kept out of it although I'm not that type!  The higher power must have been onto me! 

With gkds (and marriage)  it's so much more complicated and you are being cautious and considerate of all sides; you are avoiding the mine fields of this split and even though it's hard your ds, his ex, and the gc will all be all right; and you will keep your ds (and his gf bc he must be in love at least for now); your dil seems reasonable and you won't lose your gc....

Not meaning to be patronizing, dear Forever.....our small town is rife w divorces, separations, everyone knows everyone; I see the gmas struggling to be there for their sons, yet not wanting to lose the gc; it's a delicate situation.

I feel you have a handle on it and have your priorities very straight!  Lots of thinking of you.

Offline Pooh

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5442
    • View Profile
Re: Mother - Grandmother - Woman
« Reply #19 on: May 21, 2012, 08:45:28 AM »
My two cents is I think it's wonderful that ExDIL extended that invitation.  And I agree with the others, you don't take sides at all.  You can be supportive of DS in his new relationship simply by accepting he made a choice that was his to make.  Right or wrong.  You can be supportive of ExDIL by simply thanking her for allowing you to remain in the GC's lives.  I think that took alot of strength and love on her part to make that offer.  I agree totally that their relationship, divorce and DS's new relationship has nothing to do with you.  It may feel like it, because you are feeling caught up in the middle, but it doesn't. 

You bet I would take her up on the visit.  I would simply write back something like, "Thank you so much for the offer.  I would love to see the GC and I appreciate you being so generous.  Would you like me to keep them for a few hours so you can have some time for yourself?  Or meet you somewhere to see them?"   If she wanted to be there when you saw them, I would keep the focus on the GC if she wants to talk about DS and what's happening.  You can be kind about it and tell her, "I'm very sorry that you are both going through this.   I am very appreciative of you allowing me contact with the GC." and then change it over to something about them....I can't believe how big they are getting...etc.

If you keep doing this, she will find someone else to vent to but hopefully still keep you in contact with the GC.  And keep in mind, every state is different, but most standard divorce paperwork now includes that neither party can have overnight guests of the opposite sex when children are involved.  That very well may be keeping DS from having contact overnight later if he's living with GF.  It's a protection of the children so I would definately stay out of it.  He's making it hard on himself right now.  Let them deal with their adult issues and you just be the loving GM.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline forever spring

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 254
  • forever spring
    • View Profile
Re: Mother - Grandmother - Woman
« Reply #20 on: May 21, 2012, 08:55:06 AM »
You can't imagine how helpful all of this is for me. To take time to give such important advice to a stranger in cyberspace, but maybe I'm wrong we don't feel like strangers here any more - there is a glue that keeps us together. How wonderful. This is the strength of WWU.

Offline NewMama

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 155
    • View Profile
Re: Mother - Grandmother - Woman
« Reply #21 on: May 21, 2012, 10:22:10 AM »
I think your grandkids will appreciate your effort someday FS, even if they're too young to understand it now. My DM and paternal GM certainly had their disagreements when we were young, but I truly think my Ps/GPs gave us the greatest gift ever of not putting us in the middle (we were 6 and 8 when they permanently split, there was temp before that). It was the norm for us growing up to have both sides of our family together without any friction (that was perceived by my DB and I). My ILs very much put DH in the middle, and that ended with a man who's very hard to rattle curled up in a ball having a panic attack at the thought of them being in the same building at our wedding.

I agree that if your xDIL starts to vent to you, listen to her, and give a supportive but not 'taking-sides' type of response. It's hard to keep that balance (because I'm sure just as a woman, you feel for her). Not quite the same thing, but I remember DM and I being devastated when my DB and his fiancee split two months before their wedding. I thought of her as a sister. He started dating someone shortly afterwards, and I had to make a conscious effort to get to know her, and accept that he was never going to be back with his ex. We were all convinced she was going to just be a rebound in the beginning. Now they're married, she's absolutely wonderful, and in hindsight, she's a much better match for my brother. I hope you find a source for healing, and in time that the situation becomes less tense. And I commend you for trying to start off your relationship with the new gf positively.