Author Topic: Gmom of 3.5 grands in time out....again!  (Read 4695 times)

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Offline Footloose

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Gmom of 3.5 grands in time out....again!
« on: May 12, 2012, 02:18:59 PM »
I raised my only son since he was 15 mos old.  i did not have much support but managed very well as I grew my career (no college, just life/ work)  so I could support my little family.

We did all the mom and dad things together and have many fond memories. I always put him first and that was a mistake.  Somehow I managed to raise a narcissist! 

My latest issue is that i was told that their family needed a time out and I was to give them space.  that was 2 mos ago.  i did not get invited to my GS Bday, no calls on Easter and u can forget about Mothers' Day. I hate the holiday!

I kno he and his wife are a NEW family and they are always busy! I get that!  But why do these people think it is OK to be hurtful and rude by shutting out positive people from their lives and the lives of our grandchildren?!

It does not take too much effort to JUST be kind and respectful.  We parents forgive all our children's' trespasses but why not forgive ours now that we r older?  I have read many situations here JUST like mine.  The MILs are ONLY trying to be helpful and belong.  They are not criminals or molesters and treat the children kindly and If DILs have issues, why DON'T they just say so?  We walk on eggshells ALL the time and do not DARE to step out of the invisible/ unknown lines, our DILS place in front of us.

I finally get that she hates me and my whole being.  my presents alone upsets her. i get all the issues but I do not get how our children could be so cruel as to abandon us and prevent us from witnessing our own legacy.  WHERE IS THE PARENTAL RESPECT?  I do not get it?!

Doe

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Re: Gmom of 3.5 grands in time out....again!
« Reply #1 on: May 12, 2012, 05:13:42 PM »
I think that sometimes you can't know why something is, just that it is.   Like when someone dies, you can't really know why that person and not another.   You just have to turn the Beatles up loud and sing "Let it Be" and rock out.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Gmom of 3.5 grands in time out....again!
« Reply #2 on: May 12, 2012, 06:15:48 PM »
We can't make sense of the senseless…like Doe says. We have just as many DILs on WWU who are treated like less than dirt. That's why I changed the name of our Web-forum from www.MothersInLawUnite.com There is no logic in any of it. Abuse isn't a logical, explainable thing. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Lillycache

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Re: Gmom of 3.5 grands in time out....again!
« Reply #3 on: May 13, 2012, 06:23:51 AM »
My favorite expression of late it  "It is what it is"  There is nothing I can do to change the situation.  In my case, my DIL and her FOO spent the better part of 10 years vilifying my without my knowledge.  I had no idea that anything and everything I did or said was deconstructed and examined for ulterior motives and inuendos.  I had no idea that my son had lived in virtual hell over the fact that I was in existance.  It really wasn't until the last 2 years that her distain became impossible for her to conceal that I even picked up on it's existance.   I am fortunate that my DS still makes attempts to keep me in his life and that I get to see his kids once in a while.   But I understand.. it's not like really being part of his life.. I reside on the outskirts with only a minor part. I am an obligatory visit to ease his conscience.  This is certainly not how I envisioned my golden years.  I had just assumed that I would be included and made to feel a part of their lives.  But.. It is what it is.. after all.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Gmom of 3.5 grands in time out....again!
« Reply #4 on: May 13, 2012, 06:48:37 AM »
Wise lady! Our assumptions and expectations can take away our joy…because it also "isn't what it isn't." When it is about us…we can make changes but when it is about others, we must learn to adapt and let go of our pictures. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline artlady

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Re: Gmom of 3.5 grands in time out....again!
« Reply #5 on: May 13, 2012, 09:04:30 AM »
Totally agree, "it is what it is" and it isn't what it isn't "  . So hard to adjust and the old saying" trying to teach an old dog new tricks" is not what I or anyone imagined from our AC for our so called " Golden years" . Got to learn these new generational differences and adapt the best way we can I guess. Happy Day

Offline Footloose

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Re: Gmom of 3.5 grands in time out....again!
« Reply #6 on: May 14, 2012, 06:39:26 AM »
Thanks for our words of reality.  Not too encouraging but it is what it is!  I have a full life already and am actually going to take my open water certification in SCUBA this weekend.  Have to stay busy!

Today is my 2nd grandson's 3 yr birthday :(

I miss the babies so much! If it weren't for them, i would have distanced myself from my son's drama when they got married. She has a son fr a prior marriage who my son adopted.  I fell in love with him from the start! He was under 2 when they married so I was an insta granny and loved it!

I was in GS1 life on a weekly basis at the beginning.  I had him often and later found out that it was only because they needed a sitter.  Now she is ft mom and no longer works outside the home so I am not needed so they have decided that none of the kids will spend the nite over anyone's home.   I kept him for a week when they honeymooned.  As each was born, I saw them less and the more strained the relationship became.

My son actually said to me with cold eyes and an authoritative tone, "Mom, somehow you believe that watching GS is a favor to us.  We look at it like a privilege to you."  Almost bit my dang tongue off but kept my trap shut.  Talk about differing perceptions, huh?!

They have 3 boys now and a baby girl, due next month.  I believe I will not even get notified when she is born. 

Offline Pen

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Re: Gmom of 3.5 grands in time out....again!
« Reply #7 on: May 14, 2012, 07:24:11 AM »
When children are used like possessions by their Ps, it may backfire eventually. It hurts even more when your own AC becomes cold. I'm sorry you are being treated unkindly, and I'm sorry your GC are missing out on a relationship w/you. Many GPs here have kept scrapbooks filled w/cards and other sentiments to give their GC later when they are able to express a desire to become reacquainted w/ GM & GF.

Glad you're keeping busy & moving on! SCUBA sounds fun  :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline artlady

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Re: Gmom of 3.5 grands in time out....again!
« Reply #8 on: May 15, 2012, 06:04:16 AM »
Pen  I like the idea of keeping a scrapbook for when you can unite with those gc as I wonder if my gs will be a ploy by SIL , just to cause more of the emotional rollercoaster we are now riding into the 2 year. I think I"ll get a big scrapbook like my mom made for all of us children. (just in case the rug gets pulled out I'll have from birth to college , might have to show up in his dorm one day LOl )

Offline Footloose

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Re: Gmom of 3.5 grands in time out....again!
« Reply #9 on: May 15, 2012, 07:10:18 AM »
I am so glad I found you folks here!  <3  My DH recommended the scrap book idea too.  He really is the calm in my storm<3

It is a great idea but maybe not for me?  IMO, it is hurts too much to keep the shrine thing going.  To look at all the missed events and lost time, memories, dunno if I could stand it!  I am prob wrong in my instinct to pull off that bandage and move on.  I already have a shrine that is a bedroom in my home for the kids who never visit.  The toys that are waiting, the craft projects undone, the electronic junk saved for my engineer GS who may just want to take it apart to see how it works?  Stop looking at kid stuff, stop waiting for the phone calls, stop waiting for these people to see the error in their ways?  STOP WAITING!  Move ON, Footloose

I look ahead at the chance visit w/ one of my grandkids, who never knew me or forgot that i even existed.  If he/ she is like my DS/ DIL, will he/ she even care?!

I think if my son was presented with a box of missed visits and attention from his absent father, he would scoff and say too little too late.....flipping past the sentiment and looking for the checks/ presents/ money/ keys to that new car...  The blame is on the absent person.  Right or wrong.  It just is.

I suffered the death of my only child, my NPD son, on several occasions and with each undeserved and cruel time out, I just don't know if I will be open to allowing for the next rejection, the next slight, the next painful situation that I am unable to control or even be understood.  Come close,  go away!,  OK to come close, never mind, I meant GO AWAY!!!

Now, I stay hurt and angry.....for now.  At some point, these love emotions will subside as time does heal.  Then i will be left with apathy.  No more love/ hate just the absence of any emotion at all.   

I look forward to the freedom from drama and hurt.  All I want is to be at peace with those I love AND who love me for who I am!  No more toxic relationships!

Offline Pooh

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Re: Gmom of 3.5 grands in time out....again!
« Reply #10 on: May 15, 2012, 07:31:46 AM »
Footloose, I had the same bedroom shrine for my GD.  I ended up packing up the things, put them in totes under the stairs and bought new curtains, comforter set and decorations to have a very nice quest room.  Period.  Not for a specific individual, just anyone that wanted to sleep there.  I couldn't look at the stuff either every day.  It actually made me feel better to change it over to just a "guest" room.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Footloose

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Re: Gmom of 3.5 grands in time out....again!
« Reply #11 on: May 15, 2012, 08:01:35 AM »
Pooh,  I am planning to take the shrine room and replace it to be an everyone guest room too.  I am going to keep a few toys for the children who visit in boxes in the basement.

I have been giving some of the toys away as surprises to neighbors children already!  Kids who do not have much:)  I do not let them know where they came from.  Just a gift from a stranger!  Makes me feel great:)  I love to play santagrammy all year, LOL!

Offline Pooh

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Re: Gmom of 3.5 grands in time out....again!
« Reply #12 on: May 15, 2012, 08:13:23 AM »
That's very sweet and I know they appreciate it.  It's nice to know they will get some good use.  I figure, if GC ever end up at our house to stay a night, they still have a bedroom to stay in, but it is also nice to be able to have a friend have a decent room to stay in if they are in town.  It works.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline artlady

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Re: Gmom of 3.5 grands in time out....again!
« Reply #13 on: May 15, 2012, 09:05:21 AM »
Right now my shrine is in a guest bedroom as I put up crib, changing table and keep all the things needed for the 3 gs( ages 4 months to 21 months) when they visit, but so far only 1 has visited to use these things. My stepson has brought his son 3-4( and we have babysat him here too )  times and he is 8 months now . I was hoping DD would come and says she will tomorrow ( to celebrate MD) with gs -4 months. I was thinking that the scrapbook might be about things i thought of for gs at that age ,current events of his time , things i accomplished did or changed , just a life scrapbook so he will know us , not necessarily about all the things we missed with him. Does that make sense . maybe on the journal writing style with things added. 

Offline Footloose

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Re: Gmom of 3.5 grands in time out....again!
« Reply #14 on: May 15, 2012, 09:15:31 AM »
Hi Artlady:)  I like the journal idea too.  If anything, it can be a way of talking with them.   Even if they never read it, it must give you comfort?  Thanks for your rely.  Hugs <3