Author Topic: Me n DH are drifting apart  (Read 3329 times)

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deepinpain

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Me n DH are drifting apart
« on: May 11, 2012, 05:39:52 AM »
I am not one of the first ones who does not get along with her MIL. Seeking some helpful advise

Me and my  DH come from slightly different wings of the same faith, which was OK till I got married and I have been pushed into accepting their faith since our wedding which I have been avoiding. DH was OK with me and my beliefs. All was well till the birth of my twins. MIL and mum visited us for the birth of my first.. Biggest mistake ever to have them under the roof at the same time that too for 3 months as we live in another country.. I recommended she arrive after mum left but she was already hurt that elder DIL did not have her for her first kids birth.. Could not help but bring them together at the same time. Needless to say there were grandmum wars and me and hubby got involved as each hated to see DM hurt.

what bothered me most was she caused fights between us before my mum arrived and till date states my mum instigated me and has caused a change in my behaviour towards her. But I have known MIL for long and what caused the change is to see for myself when I lived with her under the same roof. She states things that later she turned back on.. At times coming back days later with excuses for her unacceptable behaviour and remarks that DS always buys. She feels its coz of DM that I don't trust her, but I have experienced it first hand. Things that caused me getting distant were MIL relaying events in such a way that DH came home back to only fight with me,  and on one occasion threw me out of the house when my kids were still in hospital after birth and forbid me to ever return to him or the kids. The second occasion when my Mum was in hospital during her visit. Making statements about things that I said and did that I never did or state in the first place. She claims my mum and I got her to do all the household work when the truth is the other way round that DH is an eyewitness of, but others at my IL's aren't. It got so out of hand we prepped their return.

She instigated my DH to such an extent that I was prohibited from being in touch with my family for almost a year. My mum n family kept their distance hoping it would make things better. MY elder SIL has said some mean things about me which DH was not aware of so I have kept my distance from her since day one. I had to tell him the truth when I was asked why I don't keep contact with them. MIL acknowledged the incident fortunately which was the one time DH stood by me.

She and SIL manipulate DH into feeling bad about him not being in touch with them as often after then leaving. I overheard her telling false stories about me and my mom when they thought their call did not get through on my child's first Bday (What a gift!!).  I know she has been badmouthing about me and my mom to everyone at my IL's. People that I used to get along very well with have been keeping their distance. I have not spoken to her since my kids Bday and have  no plans to. I am not comfortable with her trying to be in touch with my kids as I can clearly see she has poisoned my DH's mind and our relationship is not the same anymore. I do not wish my kids to be taken away from me either.

DH refuses to acknowledge that his DM is a conniving drama queen , a big liar and would go to any extent to gain control and keep DS to herself. She has been making plans to introduce him to other girls who he can remarry after divorcing me and planting this idea in his head for months. I love my DH very much and I do not wish to lose my family. But we do not spend a day when we do not fight mostly coz its something I know is coming from MIL as the words aren't part of DH's vocabulary.

I have not been able to DH to see my perspective ever as for him MIL is perfect. I have suggested counselling but he refuses to as MIL does not think it will help. The list of incidents in endless but hope I can present the picture.

Any advise to make things better is welcome.
« Last Edit: May 11, 2012, 09:27:00 AM by elsieshaye »

Doe

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Re: Me n DH are drifting apart
« Reply #1 on: May 11, 2012, 07:36:08 AM »
I feel for you, inpain.

If he refuses counseling, I think I would get out of there.  I know it's hard to break up a family but I think maybe it might be time to try to make things better for you, rather than better for the relationship.

Perhaps other women here will have some less drastic suggestions that would help - this is just what I think I would do in your situation.


deepinpain

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Re: Me n DH are drifting apart
« Reply #2 on: May 11, 2012, 07:40:47 AM »
I hope and pray there are some other options. I do not want my kids to go through the trauma of having divorced parents. I keep hoping it will get better some day, but the daily phone calls and discussions of what I had cooked and what the kids ate in the day are simply making matters worse. When you have known someone for as long as I have known my husband you can tell when they use words off someone elses vocabulary.

Doe

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Re: Me n DH are drifting apart
« Reply #3 on: May 11, 2012, 07:51:38 AM »
I haven't been divorced so my opinion is not worth much - but I wonder if the kids are already going through the trauma of having estranged parents not getting along every day?  If you were in different houses, they would only see one parent who isn't under stress at a time.

I have a friend who has hated her husband for as long as I've known her - his failings come up in just about every conversation we've had.    Now the daughter is an adult, finishing college and my friend won't divorce her husband because she wants her daughter to have one home for her holidays.  I don't really understand that but I respect her choice and don't try to change her mind.

You know what's most important to you and you should follow your instincts. 

deepinpain

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Re: Me n DH are drifting apart
« Reply #4 on: May 11, 2012, 07:55:44 AM »
 Hope I get some other workable solutions and would prefer that to be my last resort. Don't wish to look back and feel I dint try hard enough to make it work.

Vasilisa

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Re: Me n DH are drifting apart
« Reply #5 on: May 11, 2012, 08:06:12 AM »
Divorce should be a last resort, but I am concerned that
1. Your husband talks to his mother everyday and always sides with her,
2. Threw you out of the house apparently right after your twins were born (right?) and threatened to keep you from your children, and
3. Kept you from contacting your family for a year.

Did I understand your post right, that these things happened? Because if they did, it sounds to me as though you are being severely emotionally abused. By your MIL, yes, but even more by your husband.

I'd talk to a good lawyer.

deepinpain

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Re: Me n DH are drifting apart
« Reply #6 on: May 11, 2012, 08:12:03 AM »
:'(

I have dated DH for nine years before marriage and now been married over three years. He seems such a different person now. Think I haven't stopped hoping to see the man I fell in love with again someday

Offline NewMama

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Re: Me n DH are drifting apart
« Reply #7 on: May 11, 2012, 08:23:00 AM »
Trying hard enough to make it work involves both sides putting in an effort. If you put in all the effort and he doesn't, things will never change in this situation (which honestly comes across as emotionally abusive). I'd ask him again to go to counselling, and if he still refuses, go alone. It may give you the strength and perspective you need to either attempt to continue you relationship or end it. Either way you'll have the peace of knowing you tried.

Offline NewMama

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Re: Me n DH are drifting apart
« Reply #8 on: May 11, 2012, 08:31:44 AM »
Sorry, something else I wanted to add here: both DH and I have divorced parents. Mine split when I small (age 6) and his split when he was in his early 20s. I have zero recollection of my parents fighting or living in that kind of turmoil. They were also pretty good even after they split of not putting us in the middle. We were fortunate that way. DH's story is the opposite - he really only remembers his parent's marriage as being very unhappy for most of his life. They chose to stay together until after he graduated from university. It didn't do him any favors. He carried a lot of that baggage through the early parts of our relationship (and we broke up a couple times), because he thought all relationships will end badly someday so why get into one? He was curled up in the fetal position having a panic attack at the though of his parents being in the same room together for our wedding.

My point in all this is, staying together for the kids without trying to fix the relationship is always, always a bad idea. You are not doing them any favors. Yes, I wish my parents had put more of an effort into solving their issues, but I'm glad they decided to split if they weren't.

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Me n DH are drifting apart
« Reply #9 on: May 11, 2012, 09:09:43 AM »
Hi inpain and welcome ,
I am sorry you are in such pain and can feel your distress in your post .
I think you have to sit down with your husband and ask him where you go from here .
Tell him how unhappy you are and you're not prepared to go on as you are .
You are his wife , or you're not .
Does he want to share his life with you , or his mother .
It may sound disrespectful towards a him and his mother , but what respect have they shown you .
It's your life to live and how you live it depends entirely on you .
Living under a shadow is very stressful , and in time your health will probably suffer .
If you decide to split , your MIL may have won the battle , but you will regain your life .
If you think it's worth saving , you have to tell your husband how you feel .

deepinpain

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Re: Me n DH are drifting apart
« Reply #10 on: May 11, 2012, 09:24:56 AM »
I come from an Asian background where we live with MIL N FILS all our lives. I have asked my husband this question and his answer is he will always put his mom first who is right does not matter. I respect the fact that he wishes to have a relationship with her but it seems to be at a price I am paying. I want him to see it from a third person's perspective but have failed. Think somewhere I have never imagined a life without him and can't hwever hard I try.

deepinpain

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Re: Me n DH are drifting apart
« Reply #11 on: May 11, 2012, 09:27:01 AM »
Thank you. I will surely try counselling on my own

Sorry, something else I wanted to add here: both DH and I have divorced parents. Mine split when I small (age 6) and his split when he was in his early 20s. I have zero recollection of my parents fighting or living in that kind of turmoil. They were also pretty good even after they split of not putting us in the middle. We were fortunate that way. DH's story is the opposite - he really only remembers his parent's marriage as being very unhappy for most of his life. They chose to stay together until after he graduated from university. It didn't do him any favors. He carried a lot of that baggage through the early parts of our relationship (and we broke up a couple times), because he thought all relationships will end badly someday so why get into one? He was curled up in the fetal position having a panic attack at the though of his parents being in the same room together for our wedding.

My point in all this is, staying together for the kids without trying to fix the relationship is always, always a bad idea. You are not doing them any favors. Yes, I wish my parents had put more of an effort into solving their issues, but I'm glad they decided to split if they weren't.

Offline elsieshaye

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Re: Me n DH are drifting apart
« Reply #12 on: May 11, 2012, 09:30:34 AM »
Inpain, welcome to the board.  Please take a moment to read the posts in the "Open Me First" section.  We ask all new posters to read them to familiarize you with the group.  I also made one small change to your post.  We have a no-bad-language rule, and I modified the one word in your post that broke that rule.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.  I really hope you take a previous poster's suggestion of getting counseling for yourself, whether or not your husband goes along with it.
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Me n DH are drifting apart
« Reply #13 on: May 11, 2012, 09:32:54 AM »
I thought this might be the case in your marriage .
I know this is their tradition and it must be very hard for you , but in this modern society
I would have thought a wife has more standing in the household .
I am not sure what you can do to break this way of living and perhaps a counsellor from your
own background may be able to help .
I am sorry for your troubles .

Vasilisa

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Re: Me n DH are drifting apart
« Reply #14 on: May 11, 2012, 10:04:38 AM »
I don't want to delve into dodgy subject matter, but you mentioned that you and your husband's family belong to different branches of the same religion. May I ask what religion? I ask in case you could find help there, that is with the teachings of your religion regarding marriage and honor to parents. Perhaps also a minister of your religion could be asked to help.