Author Topic: She's Just Not That Into You....  (Read 9098 times)

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lovelymimi

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She's Just Not That Into You....
« on: May 04, 2012, 07:25:59 PM »
Hi Guys,

It's funny, I was just watching one of my favorite movies "He's Just Not That Into You". It was also a bestseller. Anywho, the movie is about how women complicate relationships in trying to understanding why men won't committ/why he didn't call/why they treat women they way they do... But the answer was simple, "he's just not into you"...

I thought about this concept and how it relates to MIL/DIL relationships. Could our problem as MILs/DILs be that we are complicating a situation that is really very simple. Wondering why someone is so distant, why they don't call, why they don't visit for the holidays. Maybe its not b/c she's a bad person. Maybe, just maybe...She's not that into you. After all just b/c she loves your son doesn't mean she wants to be your BFF. Just because that's your husband mom doesn't mean she wants to be your BFF.


It reminds me of my younger days when I worked at a retail store. One of the older employees whom had been there for years complained on me to management saying that I never speak to her when I enter the room... I was flabbergasted when the manager told me of her complaint. I'd seen this older woman many times before, but just didn't think anything of her...Not that I was trying to be rude, I guess I just didn't care. It never crossed my mind however, that I could be offending her...

I love being a women, but sometimes I really do believe we complicate things. Some of us can be too emotional. How often do we hear FILs complain that their SILs don't call enough, don't bring the GCs by for a visit. How often do you hear a SIL complain about FIL giving unwanted advice or coming over too often. I'm not saying that we shouldn't be considerate of each other, but as long as DS, DH, GCs are happy then whats the problem???


What do you guys think??

Offline Pen

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Re: She's Just Not That Into You....
« Reply #1 on: May 04, 2012, 08:35:05 PM »
Speaking just for myself, the problem isn't that I want to be DIL's BFF (yikes!) but that her disregard (or not "being into" me) affects my relationship w/DS. Frankly, I'm not that into her either. I just want to feel comfortable around my DS again, and I want DIL & her FOO to honor our family's bond.

What you said about not acknowledging the older work colleague is very telling. As I age I find myself being invisible more & more every year. My DIL has said on several occasions that she hates old people. Sad state of our society if our older people aren't being valued.

As Jim Morrison of The Doors said so long ago, "No one here gets out alive." Young people will age too; how they treat others may well determine how they are treated. It's called karma, grasshopper.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline jdtm

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Re: She's Just Not That Into You....
« Reply #2 on: May 04, 2012, 10:22:30 PM »
Quote
What you said about not acknowledging the older work colleague is very telling. As I age I find myself being invisible more & more every year.

I so agree. Sometimes I wonder if I'm even a "person" any more.  Mother's Day is coming - my one DIL will remember but my sons or grandchildren won't.  I've thought about "forgetting" them on their birthdays or other holidays but, for some reason, I just can't.  I guess I don't want them to feel as badly as I do.  However, as I get older and more invisible and of less and less value, I find that I just don't care as much or try as much as I used to.  Perhaps the pain of being ignored and forgotten gradually has a numbing effect.  Maybe I'm beginning to think of "me" and not them.  Whatever .....

Vasilisa

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Re: She's Just Not That Into You....
« Reply #3 on: May 05, 2012, 05:18:05 AM »
No, no, no. Sure there are plenty of women who expect closeness to which they don't have a right -- my biggest complaint about women is that often they automatically assume intimacy that hasn't been earned, telling me personal things, embarrassing things the first time we talk. But saying hello to someone when you walk in the room isn't about that. It's about acknowledging that the other person is a human being and not a piece of furniture. You don't have to want to hang out with someone, but how hard is it to look her (or him) in the face and smile and say, "Hi, how are you?"

Besides, if you're in the same family you're going to have to spend time with these people whether you particularly fancy them or not, unless you get to the very sad point of having to cut them off completely or being cut off yourself. We could probably all work harder on cultivating a pleasant demeanor for people who aren't our cup of tea, and learning the art of making a little danged small talk. It wouldn't kill any of us to step outside our comfort zone a few times a year and learn to be interested in someone else for fifteen or twenty minutes.

My take is that the past two or three generations have created a very passive-aggressive society. We can't (most of us can't) come out and tell someone what's eating us, but we can't bring ourselves to be kind and thoughtful, either. We spend our lives furtively chewing away at each other and denying we're doing it. Or just ignoring people out of existence because we don't happen to find them interesting. That really hurts them, and that's not a woman thing -- it's a human thing.

And it's natural for women to want to see their grandchildren. They may go about it in destructive ways that undermine the desire, but I see nothing odd, unreasonable, or particularly womanish about wanting your children to bring the family over now and then.

lovelymimi

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Re: She's Just Not That Into You....
« Reply #4 on: May 05, 2012, 07:18:09 AM »
 
No, no, no. Sure there are plenty of women who expect closeness to which they don't have a right -- my biggest complaint about women is that often they automatically assume intimacy that hasn't been earned, telling me personal things, embarrassing things the first time we talk. But saying hello to someone when you walk in the room isn't about that. It's about acknowledging that the other person is a human being and not a piece of furniture. You don't have to want to hang out with someone, but how hard is it to look her (or him) in the face and smile and say, "Hi, how are you?"

Besides, if you're in the same family you're going to have to spend time with these people whether you particularly fancy them or not, unless you get to the very sad point of having to cut them off completely or being cut off yourself. We could probably all work harder on cultivating a pleasant demeanor for people who aren't our cup of tea, and learning the art of making a little danged small talk. It wouldn't kill any of us to step outside our comfort zone a few times a year and learn to be interested in someone else for fifteen or twenty minutes.

My take is that the past two or three generations have created a very passive-aggressive society. We can't (most of us can't) come out and tell someone what's eating us, but we can't bring ourselves to be kind and thoughtful, either. We spend our lives furtively chewing away at each other and denying we're doing it. Or just ignoring people out of existence because we don't happen to find them interesting. That really hurts them, and that's not a woman thing -- it's a human thing.

And it's natural for women to want to see their grandchildren. They may go about it in destructive ways that undermine the desire, but I see nothing odd, unreasonable, or particularly womanish about wanting your children to bring the family over now and then.

Thanks for your response but, I'm not sure you understood my point.

The coworker example was about me offending someone without meaning to. That probably happens to many of us. So the point I was trying to make was that sometimes we get offended by another person when they had no idea, or no intentions of offending us at all. I know someone who says hello everytime she steps in a room, doctors office, elevator, what have you... But not everyone is like that. It doesn't necessarily mean they're trying to offend someone. Also, I could have just as  easily got offended by the older women who didn't speak to me when I entered the room. But, I just didn't care. Another point of that story is what bothers some people might not bother another. I really do believe that can be applied to MIL/DIL relationships.


"He's Not That Into" is not a movie about how he could be nicer, more respectful, more polite; How he could be a better boyfriend/husband, how he should acknowledge her more; how he should have called her last night, how he would feel if a woman did that to him. It's about stop waisting your time trying to psychoanalyze things and just accept the situation for what it is (b/c you can't change it anyway). "He's Not That Into You" so move on.

To that end, my point was sometimes MILs/DILs have these expectations form each other that aren't going to be met if the other doesn't feel that same way. I'm not saying its right/wrong, I'm not even saying its easy to accept. I'm saying sometimes you have to accept people for who they are. If they don't want to call you, visit you, or spend holidays with you; Sure it hurts, and we could analyize it to the cows come home. But at the end, if they don't want to be with you, I'm not sure what else you can do but move on.  Its just easier said than done.

In terms of the GC, of course people want to see  them from time to time.  Never said it was odd, unreasonable, or womanish. Please reread my original post.

Doe

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Re: She's Just Not That Into You....
« Reply #5 on: May 05, 2012, 07:26:52 AM »
It would have been better for me for DIL to have stated that she wasn't into being part of DS FOO in the beginning.  It would have spared a lot of feelings all around.

Offline Beth 2011

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Re: She's Just Not That Into You....
« Reply #6 on: May 05, 2012, 08:17:34 AM »
Exactly Pen!

Offline pam1

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Re: She's Just Not That Into You....
« Reply #7 on: May 05, 2012, 08:24:16 AM »
I think this happens frequently in the problematic in law relationships.  One side never intended to have a relationship from the start.  Either they had this attitude no matter what or a first impression led them to think that way.  I also think our society has placed a lot of burden on females to carry the load when it's no longer the reality, most females don't have the time to carry all the emotional and social loads.  This makes the MIL/DIL relationship extra fragile, depending on what side both women are on.

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Vasilisa

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Re: She's Just Not That Into You....
« Reply #8 on: May 05, 2012, 08:25:15 AM »
But lovelymimi, you didn't say anything in your original post about how people offend others without having any idea.  You specifically offered the possibility that women do -- or, more often, don't do -- certain things because they just aren't interested in their in-laws.

I assume you agree that there are some behaviors that should be basic to every adult whether she is interested in or likes someone or not. Regarding the example you gave from your own past, I think it is childish for an employee to complain to her manager that one of her coworkers doesn't say hello to her, but I do believe acknowledging people we work with (or near) is part of polite behavior. Most of us have probably needed to have things like that pointed out to us at one time or another, usually when we're young. Some people of both sexes unfortunately make it into their mid-twenties and beyond without having learned some of the basics, and this can cause pain and anger when they gain new relatives through marriage and the basics are repeatedly ignored.

Again, it wouldn't kill any of us to muster up a few minutes of interest in someone who lives outside our comfort zone once in a while. We can still have our own likes and dislikes and make friends as we please.


Offline Pen

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Re: She's Just Not That Into You....
« Reply #9 on: May 05, 2012, 08:36:26 AM »
Vasalisa, I agree about mustering up a few minutes of interest for those we ordinarily wouldn't seek out. When it became apparent our DD was disabled, my DF & his wife dropped us like a hot potato. They have never been able to handle people who aren't geniuses. DDD is amazing, but they will never know.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Vasilisa

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Re: She's Just Not That Into You....
« Reply #10 on: May 05, 2012, 08:45:00 AM »
Vasalisa, I agree about mustering up a few minutes of interest for those we ordinarily wouldn't seek out. When it became apparent our DD was disabled, my DF & his wife dropped us like a hot potato. They have never been able to handle people who aren't geniuses. DDD is amazing, but they will never know.

As I've said before, I don't understand GPs not being interested in their GC. How painful for you, your husband and daughter.

I try to think of family as an opportunity to see the value in people we wouldn't have chosen to make friends with. Sounds good, but obviously some of us have problems living it out and that's why we're here.

Lovelymimi, I hope you don't think I'm picking on you or saying you must be an inconsiderate person to ask this question. I'm not, I just want to unpack your suggestion a bit and look at possible implications.

Offline Lillycache

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Re: She's Just Not That Into You....
« Reply #11 on: May 05, 2012, 08:45:46 AM »
I truely believe that DIL started out wanting a relationship with me.  We went shopping a few times and had lunch when she and DS were engaged.  She invited me to come along with her when she went to pick out a puppy after they were first married.   I thought those one on one times went well.  Apparently she didn't.  I guess I wasn't the kind of person she liked.  I wasn't the MIL of her dreams.   I was me. After a few years she stopped trying. I made the mistake of waiting to be invited as I didn't want to be a pest.  So perhaps it was my fault.  I also believe that I made the mistake of really not relating to her as another adult woman, but as I related to my son.... as my child.  BIG MISTAKE.  In my and most MILs defense... we never were MILs before, and we were in the learning process also.  It's a shame that she didn't come to me and talk about her feelings.  Instead the festered and grew way out of proportion until as I said in the other thread... the message board postings were completely exaggerated and overblown.  There apparently was nothing I did or said that wasn't offensive.   Unfortunately, I think that 12 years later...we are way past any sort of reconciliation or meeting at common ground.  I am simply not that important to her.  It is not important to her that any holidays or events include me.  It is not important to her if I see my son or Gks.  So she really isn't at all into me.   Had I read the signs early on.. it just may not be like this.

lovelymimi

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Re: She's Just Not That Into You....
« Reply #12 on: May 05, 2012, 09:00:23 AM »
But lovelymimi, you didn't say anything in your original post about how people offend others without having any idea.  You specifically offered the possibility that women do -- or, more often, don't do -- certain things because they just aren't interested in their in-laws.

I assume you agree that there are some behaviors that should be basic to every adult whether she is interested in or likes someone or not. Regarding the example you gave from your own past, I think it is childish for an employee to complain to her manager that one of her coworkers doesn't say hello to her, but I do believe acknowledging people we work with (or near) is part of polite behavior. Most of us have probably needed to have things like that pointed out to us at one time or another, usually when we're young. Some people of both sexes unfortunately make it into their mid-twenties and beyond without having learned some of the basics, and this can cause pain and anger when they gain new relatives through marriage and the basics are repeatedly ignored.

Again, it wouldn't kill any of us to muster up a few minutes of interest in someone who lives outside our comfort zone once in a while. We can still have our own likes and dislikes and make friends as we please.

Well put!!

Vasilisa

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Re: She's Just Not That Into You....
« Reply #13 on: May 05, 2012, 09:51:49 AM »
I truely believe that DIL started out wanting a relationship with me.  We went shopping a few times and had lunch when she and DS were engaged.  She invited me to come along with her when she went to pick out a puppy after they were first married.   I thought those one on one times went well.  Apparently she didn't.  I guess I wasn't the kind of person she liked.  I wasn't the MIL of her dreams.   I was me. After a few years she stopped trying. I made the mistake of waiting to be invited as I didn't want to be a pest.  So perhaps it was my fault.  I also believe that I made the mistake of really not relating to her as another adult woman, but as I related to my son.... as my child.  BIG MISTAKE.  In my and most MILs defense... we never were MILs before, and we were in the learning process also.  It's a shame that she didn't come to me and talk about her feelings.  Instead the festered and grew way out of proportion until as I said in the other thread... the message board postings were completely exaggerated and overblown.  There apparently was nothing I did or said that wasn't offensive.   Unfortunately, I think that 12 years later...we are way past any sort of reconciliation or meeting at common ground.  I am simply not that important to her.  It is not important to her that any holidays or events include me.  It is not important to her if I see my son or Gks.  So she really isn't at all into me.   Had I read the signs early on.. it just may not be like this.

So true about the necessity of relating to your DIL as another adult woman. I was 31 when I met my future MIL. She never stopped treating me like a rebellious teenager and it was very frustrating.

Are you sure that you aren't important to your DIL, that you don't matter anymore? Because if that were really true, she wouldn't be writing about you on message boards. I write about my MIL on this message board because her behavior still hurts; if she really no longer mattered to me, I'd be, I dunno, writing poetry or something of lasting value instead. This is just me, but if my MIL could convince me that she really cared about me and my husband and child and was willing to do anything within reason to work things out, I would be grateful for that opportunity. Granted that at this point it would be hard for her to convince me of her sincerity -- I would still like things to be different.

lovelymimi

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Re: She's Just Not That Into You....
« Reply #14 on: May 05, 2012, 10:00:24 AM »
I am simply not that important to her.  It is not important to her that any holidays or events include me.  It is not important to her if I see my son or Gks.  So she really isn't at all into me.   Had I read the signs early on.. it just may not be like this.


This makes me kind of sad :(

I've never been through the feeling of a family member not being into me but something like that. I had a dear friend who I had been friends with for over half my life. We became friends in elementary and our friendship lasted until after we graduated college. She was a good friend, but around the high school years I noticed that whenever she got a boyfriend she would 'kick me to the curb'. Then when they broke up she would magically reappear.

After college, she met a guy, they got married, then she was gone for good.  She stopped calling me, and visiting me all together. Now I understand as a mom and wife that when you marry you don't have as much time for friends as you once did, but I wasn't expecting to be cut off COMPLETLY. I could understand if we had an argument or a falling out, but none of those things happened. She just wasn't' that into me anymore. After months of not hearing from her, of course I called her to talk about it, she gave me the famous excuse that she didn't call me cause she was "busy".  That was the last I heard from her, its been nine years.... Maybe she's still busy...LOL

Though it hurt me at the time (I even cried about it) I had to realize that I needed to move on, I couldn't make her be my friend. I'm also glad I moved on. Since then I've made new friends and have a family of my own. I realize that moving on is harder to do when it comes to family, but I really do think the principles are the same.