Why can't MILs and DILs get along?

[NewMama]

Personally I think the way a man treats his mom says a lot about how he feels about women in general - my DH is good to his mom, he talks to her frequently, never forgets birthdays/holidays etc, and if we lived closer we'd see her a lot more. I think he's a great DH and a great dad. The men I know who are rude and disrespectful to their moms treat their wives/girlfriends the same way. Things haven't been so great lately between my MIL and I, but before that we got along quite well. And if we hadn't I know he wouldn't have married me because his relationship with his mom is important to him. I hope this is all a temporary blip, but if it's not I'll always try to maintain a relationship with her, even if it's the guarded one I have now.

[Beth 2011]

Doe,

That is exactly what I believe has happened with DS and DIL.  It is like she has said all or none at all.      Her family has become his family, her friends have become his friends.  All that he knew and was before is gone...... He has even modified his first name and  now has everyone (from what I have heard) calling him.  A whole new him.   

[lancaster lady]

You have just described my DS. He lost all his friends at his dw's request , or she made life so difficult for them , they left on their own accord . That's what she wished for me too , however she hadn't.bargained for this rottweiler of a MIL  ! Why ? I think she was so insecure she wanted my DS exclusively  , then the same for my GD when she came along. Rather than dwell on the past , I look forward and enjoy my GD. Not all plain sailing, but worth working at .

[lovelymimi]

The orignial question is Why can't MILs and DILs get along?

Once again, there are many reasons. But, IMO one of the main reasons is the man in the middle. If he is unable to balance his life with DW and DM (make them both feel loved) it will have an impact on they way MIL/DIL feel about each other.

Personally, I've always hated it when women fight over men and blame each other for something a man does (or doesn't do) but that's the way it is. If a man cuts off his family and freinds, fails to be there for those whom have been there for him...HE should be the blame. Unless DW put a gun to his head and made him do it, I don't see why MIL/DIL should have these catfights with each other.

[Vasilisa]

The orignial question is Why can't MILs and DILs get along?

Once again, there are many reasons. But, IMO one of the main reasons is the man in the middle. If he is unable to balance his life with DW and DM (make them both feel loved) it will have an impact on they way MIL/DIL feel about each other.

This is very common, I think, but doesn't describe my situation. I have never yet found anyone who has this problem, i.e., MIL wants nothing to do with her child, is only interested in having grandchildren.

[forever spring]

Just a thought. All of us act differently in situations where we feel uncomfortable. I had this experience when I lived close to DS and his family. I behaved out of character.  Even my DH couldn't quite make sense of what had got into me at that time, luckily he was patient and believed in me getting back to my normal self.
All I'm saying is, could we be misinterpreting behaviour by people who are in an environment where they just don't know how to function and everything they do somehow comes out wrong. This is a bad situation to be in especially when surrounded by family. Just a thought - may not apply to your situation, certainly applied to mine. It's taken me a long time to get to this insight.

[lancaster lady]

Good point Fs , however my DIL was charm itself until my gd arrived . I don't think we will ever crack this conundrum (sp) . People are too complicated to follow any particular pattern  , or belong to any group .  That's life .

[NewMama]

Just a thought. All of us act differently in situations where we feel uncomfortable. I had this experience when I lived close to DS and his family. I behaved out of character.  Even my DH couldn't quite make sense of what had got into me at that time, luckily he was patient and believed in me getting back to my normal self.

FS, this gives me hope for my own situation with my MIL. I seriously hope things will go back to the way they were, but right now I'm still sorta guarded. Grandkids seems to be such a catalyst for things to go wrong - you'd think it would bring everyone together. Having a baby has changed me, and having a grandbaby has changed her. Maybe it's a natural consequence that our boundaries need to be revisited and re-established.

[Vasilisa]

In many situations people just don't realize how their behavior is affecting other people. It makes sense that the arrival of a new baby would create in a situation in which everyone needs to adjust. One problem could be that pregnant women think they are going to be a certain way and that completely changes when they have the baby. A woman who thought she would follow a regimented schedule of lightheartedly leave her baby in the care of its grandmother for a few hours discovers when the baby is born that she just can't do that, for instance. Other family members may be confused and hurt because they were looking forward to baby-time and don't understand the new mother's attitude. She is probably just as confused by her feelings as they are and feels guilty and defensive.

[forever spring]

That is all so true, I just wish I had known this when I was in the situation. I described myself as 'MIL from hell' in an earlier reply, and I think I was even though I never wanted to be such a person. I think, I lacked empathy with my DIL at that time which is a horrible thought because I never want to hurt anybody. Good to hear what everybody is saying on this thread, it helps me become more and more aware of what's gone wrong. Of course DS leaving and causing a lot more pain makes me feel even worse. Now I'm not sure
where to go from here. I would like to approach xDIL and let her know how terribly sorry I am about what happened but I'm so afraid I might get it all wrong again. My intuition is not much help at the moment. I try to listen to it but it's silent on this front. I guess I'm just confused and have to be patient and be open it I get a sign from her.

[Pen]

I'm with Pooh, LL, Beth et al who stated that they have no desire to come first in their DS's lives. I don't want to either. I especially don't want to be as enmeshed as DS, DIL & DIL's FOO are - yuck! What I want is to be treated civilly and considered worthy of a visit or phone call more often. I don't like being treated like I'm "on the scrap heap" and only given patronizing little crumbs of attention when they want something from me. I want my family life w/ all its ups, downs, experiences, successes and failures to count for something; it was a big chunk of my life.

Like others, my DS has been fully absorbed by DIL's FOO. New values, new attitude. The past (thus my past too!) has been eradicated.

Re: the opinion that MILs have the most to lose & thus the most motivation to work on maintaining a civil relationship w/DIL -

I am the one who keeps saying it, and I stand by it (as a two-time DIL & one-time MIL) although I understand the cringe factor. Speaking only from my own experiences, losing a relationship w/an AC, IMO, is very devastating & can take way longer to "get over." All the years spent raising this kid, all the effort we put into getting him launched, all the memories - I feel as if they mean nothing. It was a major portion of our family's life that is now reduced to being unimiportant. Since we have no GC, and I can only imagine the heartbreak that goes along with that additional loss. Whereas when I left my first DH due to his enmeshment w/his FOO, I eventually got over it. I met a great guy and moved on. I can't very well meet a great new DS and move on, can I?

So, I maintain that my motivation to keep DIL happy is way more than her motivation to keep me happy because, in my case, I have more to lose. To that end, when around DS/DIL I have turned into a blank slate w/no emotions, no opinions, no personality, no past, no needs, no wants. I miss my son, miss our easy communication, miss having fun family times whereas DIL & her FOO still share those things, and would continue to do so no matter what happened.

Not all DIL/MIL/DS situations come from the same dynamics. We can read everyone's stories and if we find something that points out a possible flaw in our own behavior, we can work to better ourselves.

(My flaw is that I'm not DIL's DM, lol.)

[Silver Spring]

As a MIL, I'd have to disagree, which is why generalizations are probably not the best. I feel that losing my husband would be worse than losing my children and GKs, especially in an outright cutoff, which I have been through (luckily, temporarily). I took some solace in the fact that my son was making his own adult decisions, and I knew he was meant to move on from me eventually.  My DH leaving for whatever reason (MIL/death/actual other woman/just doesn't love me anymore), would be worse for me, because he signed up to be with me for the long haul and I am somewhat invested and reliant on that promise. He is the only one I'm counting on, and I do realize that even that expectation has a possibility of not being met. My kids promised me nothing, and they are here based on my decision to have them and raise them. To that effect, my expectations for them have been fulfilled.

As a  grandmother, while not seing my GKs was hard (it IS hard, even when things are hunky-dory), my relationship with my child comes first and foremost, after the one with my DH. Having fun with them is a privilege that when I have the opportunity to enjoy, my cup runneth over, but that's it. I don't believe that is time that I am necessarily entitled to, given that any one of them can pick up and move halfway around the worst. I don't believe that is time I am necessarily entitled to later on when the GKs decide that they have plenty of other interests than time spent with me.

This idea that generally speaking, one party has it worse than another doesn't seem helpful given that circumstances vary a great deal and we can not possibly know what someone, MIL or DIL or any other party is going through. I can't even say the man in the middle really suffers most of all because maybe he doesn't. Maybe he just takes this at face-value that women are not get along and that it's not his problem. Maybe he really is sad that his old and new family can't come together more cohesively, buand has no idea how to fix it. Who really knows? It is highly dependent on the person going through it at the time , not the particular role they fulfill in the dynamic.

[Pooh]

Lovelymimi, I do agree with you.  I know my DS has to feel caught between us.  I do blame him for allowing our relationship to die.  Here's what I did that caused it, and it's not blaming DIL, but it was my downfall because of our differences.  It's going to sound like I am saying my DIL is horrible, but it's just the truth.  DIL was raised by a Mother and Father that gave her everything she wanted.  She is used to getting things her way, all the time.  She was used to having people do everything for her.  When they started dating and she was at my house, 6-7 days a week, she expected to be waited on.  I cooked, she would leave her plate and coke cans sitting in the living room and leave.  If there was 5 of us there and we were all deciding where to go for dinner and 4 wanted Mexican (which she eats) and she wanted McDonalds, she would get mad if we went to eat Mexican.  In the beginning, I offered to take her through McDonalds and pick something up to take with us, but she would say no and pout through the entire dinner.  If we were going shopping and she didn't want to go, but DS did, she would go and pout the entire time.  I tried very hard to be accommodating and do things she wanted to do as well.  I picked up her garbage and dishes for awhile, although everyone else would carry their own stuff into the kitchen.  My DS's friends were also experiencing the same things and getting tired of it, so they started by trying to talk to DS about it, and ended up just not inviting them to come around any longer.  I finally talked to my DS about things and told him that I wasn't picking up after her any longer...that he could because she was his guest.  I told him that I wasn't going out of my way with drive-thrus, etc. when she wasn't grateful, just pouted.  Every one in my family is this way.  We pick up after ourselves and help clean up. 

This was my downfall.  This is how DIL is and that is how she was raised.  Her parents are still that way to this day and will do whatever she wants.  That's what she knows.  I am not that way and didn't raise my Sons that way so after awhile, I put my foot down.  DS went back and told DIL that she needed to start picking up her own dishes, not pouting about majority decisions, etc.  Of course, I'm positive it was put to her "Mom says..."  Which I did.   That started our downward spiral.  That's ok.  I understand that she and I are totally different.  I was still always civil to her, but the damage was done and she wouldn't even speak to me much after that.

So I do blame him.  Not for telling her, but for not standing up and saying, "Ok, I love her and I'll put up with it, so I guess I need to pick up her dishes and make sure I make arrangements to get her what she wants to eat."  Instead, he chose the easy way out.  Instead of figuring out how to make it all work, he decided that if he removed our family from the equation, he didn't have to listen to us or her about any of it.  So he quit coming around any of us and migrated towards her family.  She's happier around them because they do wait on her.  He's happier around them because then he doesn't have to deal with any of it.  He took the lazy way out.  Did he choose her and he should look after her interests?  Absolutely.  I get it.

Do I blame her as well?  Yes.  I feel I gave on my end on some things, but she didn't give at all.  I knew she didn't like to cook, so I didn't ask or expect her help.  I knew she didn't like doing dishes, so I didn't ask or expect it.  I went out of my way when we went somewhere to try to accomadate what she wanted for a long time.  I am a compromising person, but I am not someone's maid or slave.  I moved out of my personality zone (because my personality helps cook and clean up when I am at someone's house all the time) to make some compromises.  I feel she wouldn't move an inch out of hers.  Maybe she isn't capable of it, I don't know.  I know I was only capable of so much too.

Could I have avoided all of this by just doing whatever she wanted and waiting on her?  I'm sure I could have because that's what she's used to.  I honestly couldn't do it because I couldn't see myself doing all that for the rest of my life.  And know, if they were coming about now every few months for dinner, I wouldn't mind waiting on her.  This was all in the beginning when she was at my house all the time.  Knowing now that they would get married two years later, maybe I could have sucked it up for that long.  I can second guess myself all day long.  I do recognize that she is who she is, and I am who I am.

So I do blame my DS.  I think that if he had set his boundaries in the beginning, with her, much of this would have been avoided. I think if he would have said, "I love you the way you are, but I still love my family.  I know they are different than yours, so I don't expect you to go over there if you don't want but I'm going to run over to see them a few times a year."    He could still text or call every once in a while.  He could go see my Mother, who lives 5 minutes from him, every once in a while who never had those conversations with him or never a cross word to DIL.  That's his doing, his choice and on him.

[Vasilisa]

I agree with everything silver spring said, although it must be like a death in the family to lose your adult child's love altogether when he or she marries. But yes, you rightly expect your spouse to stand by you, whereas you raise your children to leave.

That said, if anyone or anything hurt my child, that would tear me up more than anything happening to my husband -- maybe I'm inconsistent.

[Vasilisa]

Pooh, you are perfectly reasonable in your desires and expectations.

I'm not sure I agree that "that's just the way she is". Being prissy and nondomestic might be just the way she is, but being rude, selfish, and inconsiderate are character flaws that she needs to work on. It might not be her fault she ended up that way with parents who spoiled her, but she chooses to continue even at the expense of alienating everyone important to her husband.

But who knows? Maybe when the shine is off the apple, he'll start coming around again.