Son and significant other has decided I can't see my three grandbabies

[lancaster lady]

I learned that lesson early on . Do not feed gd anything without  moms ok . Also I email photos of any toys or equipment  for approval before I buy . Gets me brownie points. I still think we should be issued with instruction manuals when becoming a MIL/GP, would make life much easier.

[Pen]

As a young P, I also was concerned about toys from China, off-gassing, etc. I also was concerned about unbridled materialism. Fortunately we didn't have a GP who brought bags of toys once a month. As an adult my DS has rebeled and become much more materialistic and status oriented. Our DIL calls us losers. Raising kids w/deeper values backfired on me big time.

I have a hunch, well more than a hunch since DIL has already predicted this, that the ILs will be the "involved, spoiling GPs" and we'll be the weird, rural, occasional GPs. And you bet, I will check before I buy any kid anything. And I'll bet the ILs will do whatever they please.

[Vasilisa]

As a young P, I also was concerned about toys from China, off-gassing, etc. I also was concerned about unbridled materialism. Fortunately we didn't have a GP who brought bags of toys once a month. As an adult my DS has rebeled and become much more materialistic and status oriented. Our DIL calls us losers. Raising kids w/deeper values backfired on me big time.

I have a hunch, well more than a hunch since DIL has already predicted this, that the ILs will be the "involved, spoiling GPs" and we'll be the weird, rural, occasional GPs. And you bet, I will check before I buy any kid anything. And I'll bet the ILs will do whatever they please.

Hippie! Can I adopt you?

And lancaster lady, you are so right about instruction manuals, only all of us need them. If only we would all just sit down and talk to each other about what we expect and need -- but I say this as I look back with regret and see what a lousy job I did of saying to my MIL that I was unhappy and needed some changes until I had reached the breaking point.

[NewMama]

Always ask. I can't stress that enough for multiple reasons. It may seem silly, but when you've spent an obscene amount of time thinking and re-thinking what you feel is best for your child it's infuriating when someone comes behind you, totally contradicts it and says I don't see what the big deal is. Example: we've tried very hard to feed my nearly 1 year old a healthy diet - his first 'junk food' would be his birthday cake. But our extended family (on both sides) keeps trying to feed him junk food that's usually a choking hazard. They think we're being uptight, we think we're looking out for our baby's health and safety. He also doesn't watch TV, and just about everyone doesn't understand why we think there's no need for a 11 month old to watch hours upon hours of TV.

Secondly, this is something we run into with my MIL. She has a limited budget, but always comes bearing gifts for my DS. She usually gets things on sale, which is the primary thing she looks at before whether or not it could be used. But because she doesn't ask, she tends to buy him things that are inappropriate - shorts that will only fit in the freezing cold Canadian winter, pacifiers after he stopped taking them, babyproofing supplies that don't fit our cabinets etc. We can't use them, they're not returnable, and she's spent money she probably could use elsewhere. I wish she'd ask for as much as her sake as ours. Both of our parents go overboard with him and gifts (it was insane at Christmas). He's too little to understand at the moment, but I don't want him to grow up expecting a gift every time he sees a grandparent. If I can get them to contain it to holidays/birthdays, I'll be happy.

And I do think that in time sometimes you forget some of the challenges that come with small kids. I've heard my mom complain over the years about unwanted advice from my grandmothers when we were small, but she doesn't hesitate to do it to me because in her eyes she's helping. I'm sure my nans thought they were too. My mom also talks about how we were practically the perfect babies, which my aunt has told me was soooo not true.

And just to add, as someone that had a wonderfully close relationship with my grandparents, I don't remember a single toy they bought me. I remember spending time with them, playing with them, babysitting us near daily while my mom worked when we were small, and most importantly, just being very interested in us. They supported all our activities and celebrated all our accomplishments (and they had 12 grandkids!). I recently lost both of them, and I can tell you there's no bag of toys that could've competed with just knowing they loved us.

[lancaster lady]

Thing is , how do you explain to a loving GM that she is buying all the wrong things without offending her ?
I learnt a lot after coming to this site and listening to other DIL's .
We don't mean any harm by doing all the things we do and if you could find a way of letting us down gently it would be
much appreciated .
Saying that I spent a wonderful afternoon splashing on the beach with my GD , she had wellington boots on , I didn't 
So she wants me to buy a pink pair , so I can go splashing with her .
No gifts , no expensive outing , just pure joy .

[Vasilisa]

I agree with what you said, NewMom. I don't like people on limited budgets spending so much of their money on things that we will not and often cannot use, so I have tried let them know what we did and didn't want. Consequently I got the reputation in certain corners of being picky and probably ungrateful.

Oh, and junk food! According to the dentist, my DD's baby teeth just have very thin enamel and are prone to cavities. I found that out when she got three fillings at 18 months! So I am what probably seems uptight about certain foods. It really upsets me when people ignore my rules about food and give her juice, soda and candy. They aren't brushing her teeth afterward, and they're not the ones who are paying the dental bills. This is why parents get to make the rules: We are the ones who are responsible for the damage.

Now if anyone can tell me how to be clear about this without causing more pain than necessary, I'm all ears.

[Pen]

You'll ROTFL at this: my DIL thinks I was cruel to limit sweets/toys/TV/ etc. when my kids were young. I'm more likely to be the concerned one while DIL & her FOO overindulge.

Hippie? Well, maybe a little when it comes to healthy living and reasonable values. I haven't ever not shaved my pits, dislike tie dye, like nice handbags and wear heels sometimes, so I don't really meet true hippie standards....but I'll adopt you anyway, Vasilisa

[Vasilisa]

You'll ROTFL at this: my DIL thinks I was cruel to limit sweets/toys/TV/ etc. when my kids were young. I'm more likely to be the concerned one while DIL & her FOO overindulge.

Hippie? Well, maybe a little when it comes to healthy living and reasonable values. I haven't ever not shaved my pits, dislike tie dye, like nice handbags and wear heels sometimes, so I don't really meet true hippie standards....but I'll adopt you anyway, Vasilisa

We'd get along, then -- I like to bathe and groom, but I read lists of ingredients and fuss about plastic and microwaves.

You know, since becoming a mother I am very reluctant to judge other mothers because I believe the normal ones act out of love and I assume they tried as hard as I'm trying. However, I'm also very touchy when I'm feeling judged and undermined in my mothering.

[Ruth]

This was a very informative, thought provoking thread.  I am sorry you're reached this juncture, cymers, but I hope you can see it for what it really is, a time for some really new and positive growth and a turn around for your family dynamics, i.e. healing.  Mistakes have been made on both sides, and it seems there's been a bad breach of mutual respect going on.  This is, thanks be to God, one of the few problems I haven't faced in my own family dynamics.  DS has no children, DD and I are pretty much in agreement at least on the important things regarding the care and feeding of g/c.  We both believe in paying your own way if at all possible, and I am a firm believer in DP make the rules for the DC, not me.  I always ask for DD advice on gifts for the g/c, largely because I'm clueless, but I don't have excess income to worry much about undue extravagances.  I still contribute a lot of support but more for essentials like tuition and food periodically.  Probably this 'cut off' thing has become more commonplace than I ever imagined, maybe its just a form of adult temper tantrum.  It doesn't have to be permanent, a cooling off period will help and after a time of reflection, maybe a well written letter expressing how you see things differently and how can all of you work together to be happy as a family and start over.  But it will be to be later, for now the door is not open.

[Pen]

Have any of you seen a little gem of a movie called "Away We Go?" Maya Rudolph and John Krasinski star as a pregnant couple looking for a place to raise their child. Maggie Gyllenhaal plays an over-the-top hippie dippy new age mom (still breastfeeding a 3 yr old, etc) who freaks when the couple buys a stroller for her as a gift. She cries, "I love my babies, why would I want to push them away?? Get it out of here!!"

Don't know why I just thought of that...

[Vasilisa]

Well, I nursed my child till she was four and I made her stop, but I still loved the stroller -- great for picking up a few groceries, too.

[Pen]

No offense meant, just a humorous characterization in a sweet little comedy. It's one of my faves, great ensemble cast, good writing.

[tryingmybest]

The gift things is going to become an issue for me too, went out of my way to pick out a special Easter Basket for DGC filled with special baby stuff, toys, age appropriate, little socks, etc. it was taken with a "0h thanks " and never looked at, still sitting in the house untouched two weeks later. FOO gifts, Fussed over and made much off.I'm not even going to try and " compete", she isn't going to let me past the starting gate.

[Pen]

So sorry to hear that. TMB. It hurts worse when we see the ILs getting the royal treatment, I think. It wouldn't bother me so much if DS/DIL treated everyone badly, lol. Spend your money @ the spa or on the horses. One of the MILs here a year or so ago went out and bought herself a convertible 

[Vasilisa]

It's so sad that gifts have become such a source of contention. On the one hand, there are the gifts with strings attached, the gift as veiled insult, etc. On the other hand, loving people genuinely trying to be thoughtful and getting snubbed, as above. Hurts to read about it.

Maybe we should be like the ancient Greeks in the epics and start just giving each other golden tripods and things. How can anyone say no to a golden tripod?