Author Topic: Is there a soloution or will it be like this forever?  (Read 1203 times)

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Offline DownDIL

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Is there a soloution or will it be like this forever?
« on: April 16, 2012, 02:12:53 PM »
Hi I’m new here and I have been trailing the internet for months to try and find a solution to the current problem with my FMIL.

For a little background. FH and I have been together for 4 years, moved in together after 2 years and we have a 13 month old DD. I’ve never had a major problem with my FMIL until DD was around 8 weeks old. Before I was pregnant I barely saw my FMIL, when we did see each other I never got the feeling she liked me very much but I hoped in time she would come to accept me as part of her sons life. FH and I worked 6 days a week and when we moved out we arranged to spend the Sundays (our only day off) with our FOOs separately then come home and have a night in and spend quality time just the two of us, this worked great until I became pregnant.

My FMIL was going through a bad time with her other DIL and was actually taking care of her and her son’s child at the time. This went on for a year and I know it caused my FMIL a great deal of pain, she had to give up work to care for the child full time and she got very depressed about the situation, as if she had gave up her life to become a mother again, she told me this many times and it hurt me to see her hurt like this, When we told my FMIL I was pregnant (which wasn’t planned) FFIL was very happy but FMIL just put her head in her hands and said omg I can’t deal with this worry right now, how will you’s cope, what will you’s do, I was very hurt and surprised she acted like this, we had never asked her for any money or expected her to bail us out of any problems we had, we always looked after ourselves and FH and I had a great relationship but even if she wasn’t happy about it she could of at least been a little more fragile with it but in a way I could understand the worrying considering what was going on with the other grandchild and I just chalked it down to her worrying too much and once she saw we would cope and were doing well she would get better and I knew she would love her grandchild once it arrived. We had told her on the Wednesday and my FH was really angry his mother would go on like this but I explained that I’m sure everything will sort itself out and to not be angry when she was already in such a state with everything going on. When FH went to visit on Sunday she basically told him he should make me abort the baby because we were not ready to be parents. I was very upset when he came back pretty much seething from the mouth, he was furious and apparently had told her we weren’t going to abort the baby no matter how much she thought it was best for him but again I just forgot it and chalked it up to all her worrying at the time.

I tried to include my FMIL in my pregnancy I would always call and see if she was free for a visit after I had my scans and let her know everything was great and would take photos of the baby with me, she would ask how I was feeling and seemed genuinely interested I thought things were getting on the right track. She was still caring for the other grandchild at this time and she was under a lot of stress helping her other son and DIL try to fight for custody including paying all their solicitor fees and being an emotional support for her DIL who doesn’t have her mother around so I suppose my FMIL felt the job landed on her. I tried to be there for her as much as I could but because we weren’t that close I didn’t want her to think I was intruding on her family’s business so I just listened to what she had to say and sympathised with her.

Towards the end of my pregnancy my nana (who I was very close to) took very ill and we knew she probably wouldn’t make it to meet her great grandchild. She actually passed the day I went into labour and I was heartbroken but I had this brand new little bundle to take care of and my emotions were filled with happiness and grief all at once but I knew I had to hold it together for my DD and so I got on and tried not to have a breakdown, luckily I did. My FMIL knew about her passing and didn’t once offer her condolences, she knew how close we were and knew I was under so much worry and stress at the end of my pregnancy with dealing with it and not once did she ask how I was doing, the only person who did was my FFIL. I felt used after months of trying to help her out in such a difficult time she was going through and not even an I’m sorry for your loss could escape her lips. I even offered to babysit the other grandchild so she and FFIL could have a night out to themselves. Again I overlooked it because of everything she was dealing with at the time.

Fast forward and everything was great for the first 8 weeks of DD life. That’s when the passive aggressive comments started about how I was raising her and rules I had put in place regarding DDs welfare. Nothing major just that I didn’t want her drinking juice when she was weaning and that I didn’t want her eating chocolate for her first year. I had been advised by health professionals that this is what was best for DDs health. We started visiting both our families on a Sunday splitting the days in half, first half with FMIL and FFIL and the second half with my DM and her partner. She even made comments she wasn’t seeing us enough and DD would not know her even though I had invited her over during the week with other grandchild because I thought it would be nice for the little cousins to play and FMIL complained a lot she was stuck in the house all the time but she often declined saying she was busy today. Once after one of the comments my FH said well DownDIL has invited you over plenty and you never accept. She said she would from now on and she did, FH was at work during the day still doing the 6 days a week and I was on maternity leave and my FMIL was off work still caring for the other grandchild so we arranged visits during the week when we were both free. They only lasted about 3 weeks and FMIL would only stay for 20 minutes so the visits fizzled out. She started complaining about everything we were doing with DD. One example DD had colic until she was around 11 months old and still suffers from her wind every now and then to this day, as a result she didn’t sleep very well and would wake up to 4 times a night screaming in pain, I would always go to her and try to comfort her, we tried sleep training (letting the child cry on its own to try and make it learn to sleep) once when she was 6 months old to see if that would work but I always went to her after 5 minutes because it felt unnatural to me to leave her crying in pain, I know a lot of people who do this and have great results but for me it just didn’t work. My FMIL is a firm believer everyone should sleep train their children and very often told us we shouldn’t be cuddling her because she will end up spoilt. I explained that id tried it and how I felt cruel for doing it and she just said I was being soft and making it harder on myself. This is only one of the things I had got sick of being critised about, the other grandchild was back home with her parents now and she started saying she was loving having the place to herself and her husband again and she wasn’t babysitting any of the grandchildren for quite some time which is understandable but it’s not like id ever asked her to babysit anyway, it was like she was making sure I knew she would decline even if I asked, she kept on with the comments about not seeing “her baby” enough (meaning my DD) but by then I felt id tried and id had enough of making all the effort.

DDs first Christmas came and we had decided me and FH would have the morning to ourselves have dinner at my FOOs because FMIL was already having her 2 other sons, the other DIL, her other 2 grandchildren and FFIL parents (FHs grandparents) over and we would visit them after dinner and honestly I was glad it was like that because FMIL had been a right pain in the backside the last few weeks and I didn’t want anything ruining the whole day. We had a lovely morning and dinner at my FOOs and then it came time to go to FMILs, I was very anxious because I just wanted to have a nice time and come home. It didn’t go like id hoped, she threw comment after comment about how DD doesn’t know her or her family all because DD didn’t want to be cuddled and kissed by her and wanted to play with all the toys and her cousins, she was 10 months old by this time what was she expecting her to do when there’s toys all over and loads of people around. DD started getting tired and restless after the eventful day and we knew it was time to get going; we had been there a little over 2 hours. FMIL started saying to FH give DD to your grandma so I can get photos, I wasn’t in the room by then because I was busy getting stuff sorted to leave. I heard DD give out a massive scream and I came in to FHs grandma hugging DD as tightly as she could and would not give her back to her daddy, that’s why she cried because she wanted to go back to her dad and this woman was not allowing it because she wanted a photo!! I walked in and took my child from her arms and my FMIL screamed at me “this is because she doesn’t know us!” with that I quickly got our things together and we left DD was still screaming and going on as if she was traumatized by the event.

After that I knew enough was enough this had to be sorted there was no way I would be screamed at over something out of my control, I cannot make my DD sit on someone knee or want to cuddle them so I sent her a text message stating I didn’t appreciate the way she spoke to me and I was sick of the criticisms I gave her examples, like the sleep training one and said that I would like to try and get it sorted before it affects our relationship and before DD starts realizing these things. Well she called and basically screamed and shouted at me then said when she gets her hands on me she was going to rip my head off! At that point I was furious and so was my FH he took the phone from me and yelled at his mother that how dare she threaten me and that she better come up with an apology or she was out of our family for good.

We haven’t spoken to her since. I’ve told my FH that I do not want to be the cause of his fall out with his mother and if he wants a relationship with her I don’t want to get in the way of that, he assures me that he does not until she apologizes for the threat. The problem is I know she never will, my FH agrees she will never apologize because she is too proud to admit she is wrong,

So WW thanks for reading I know it was very long I just wanted to give as much detail as I can and I’m sorry if I bored anyone. But my question is, is there a solution to all of this or will I have to accept it will be like this forever? I never wanted it to get to this and it has me so down I do not want my DD missing out on another set of grandparents because her nana hates her mother, I know she has another set of wonderful grandparents who adore the ground she walks on but I don’t want DD thinking I haven’t done enough to try to set things right either.



« Last Edit: April 16, 2012, 03:59:01 PM by luise.volta »

Offline Doe

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Re: Is there a soloution or will it be like this forever?
« Reply #1 on: April 16, 2012, 02:44:34 PM »
But my question is, is there a solution to all of this or will I have to accept it will be like this forever?

Hi DDIL-

I think it would be safe to assume that she isn't going to change because she isn't giving any evidence that she's wants to change, right?  She dug herself a pretty deep hole with that threat and I would take that as the baseline from where she has to gain your family's trust.

Your husband supports you and and that is gold.  If I were you I would start the process of getting on with your own family's life which is something that you can control and create as you please.  Keeping nasty people away from your daughter is part of your job and your FMIL is a good one to practice on.

My only suggestion for you - and it's so minor - is to try not to get in the habit of delivering emotion-filled messages via text or email.  It's so much better face to face and it helps a person become stronger in terms of confronting people.  It's just my own personal opinion.  I think the finer points of communicating with people are being lost with texts, emails, voice messages, etc.

I'm sure you'll get a lot of good feedback here.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Is there a soloution or will it be like this forever?
« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2012, 04:07:59 PM »
Welcome -  Please go to the Home Page and read the three posts under Open Me First. We ask everyone to do that to be sure WWU is a fit. In the eighth paragraph of your post that begins, "After that', you used an abbreviation of unacceptable language, so I modified it.

My take is that your FH and his DM have to work it out…or not. You aren't coming between them IMO, her conduct is. He has the right to set boundaries. He is part of a new family unit and the two of you make the rules there just like FMIL did when she started out. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pooh

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Re: Is there a soloution or will it be like this forever?
« Reply #3 on: April 17, 2012, 08:47:57 AM »
Yes, definately her actions causing the rift...it's not you.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline pam1

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Re: Is there a soloution or will it be like this forever?
« Reply #4 on: April 18, 2012, 04:08:36 PM »
Welcome :)

I think past behavior is indicative of future behavior.  She had many problems with her other DIL/DS and their children.  You may only know parts of the story, ones that make you feel badly for her.  It says something when she has problems with not just one, but two of her adult children and especially so, when grandchildren are involved.

My take is that the best course of action is to back away gently, let her come to her own conclusions that have lead to these situations in her life.  Your family cannot do anything about her, you can only take care of you.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift