Author Topic: detatched but resentful  (Read 7520 times)

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bettylou

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detatched but resentful
« on: April 20, 2010, 12:05:40 PM »
I have detached as you suggested and I have not called or contacted my son at all.  I know it is the right way, I believe you all.  But I feel such strong resentment to my daughter in law.  She has used so many oppurtunites to push out my family and I that it hurts so much.  We contributed to a wedding that she did not want my daughter in.  The money was a gift the condition was not that she be in the wedding but if she was not wanted it should have just been glossed over, not mentioned every time we got togethor.  She always mentioned how daughter was not be in the wedding party, no kids no kids, my daughter was a preteen at the time.  Hardly a shy six year old or something.  My son asked us if she would like to be reader in the mass, she said yes, the daughter in law told us a week later she had already asked her godmother and her aunt to do that.  She would not ask them to step down, but had not problem to tell daughter to step down.  Son said duaghter would play the cello in church then told us that daughter in law changed her mind.  When we took a photo with the bride and groom daughter in law shouted out "just the adults please."  My dauaghter was dancing with a cousin her age and daughter in law told my husband "this is why I did not want kids here at all."  They were just dancing same as everyone else.  She also asked us if we thought maybe our daughter had taken cards from their gift table.  My husband got up and left the room.  She said she was missing two cards taht she knew had cash in them from her side.  Even on her wedding night she was not happy enough to avoid being cruel to our daughter.  This is what I resent so much

Offline alohomora

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Re: detatched but resentful
« Reply #1 on: April 20, 2010, 12:54:14 PM »
Is there some history here between her and your daughter you may not be aware of you think? It doesn't make any sense for her to be so angry at your daughter for no reason - maybe not a deserved reason, but to have no reason at all doesn't seem likely. Have you talked to your daughter to find out if there is something you don't know about?

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Re: detatched but resentful
« Reply #2 on: April 20, 2010, 12:58:03 PM »
Betty Lou when you are truly detached you won't feel resentful.  It's not a matter of a few days, it's a hard technique to learn.  Just keep your thoughts here and vent as you are doing, read what you've written and look at what is triggering the feelings, together we'll examine it and work it through with you.  You're not alone.

bettylou

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Re: detatched but resentful
« Reply #3 on: April 20, 2010, 01:18:00 PM »
There is no reason that I am aware of.  It has been going on for several years now so looking back I do not really see anything.  I did used to ask my daughter if she had said or done something and she was never aware of it.  I guess perhaps she was just jelous or the closeness that daughter and son shared threatened her maybe?  That is a guess on my part.  I have also noticed over the years that daughter in law gets along well with the women in her close family, she loves her brother and his wife dearly and thinks the world of them, and she loves her mother, she does not have contact with her father from what I have been told of day one of meeting her.  I never questioned the details and she never shared, that is her business.  I also know that she spends her free time with some of the guys she works with and her ex husband and does not have many girlfriends.  I was the opposite always seeking out girlfriends when I was younger and still have lots of them.  Perhaps she is not comfortable around other females that are not in her family?  She only has a few that I have met, the rest are just the wives of the male friends of hers.  She likes to play beer pong and cornhole in the yard and I have invited her to do that a few times, my husband and I play games at night in our yard but she has never accepted.  I do try so hard to win her over and when she shows shared interests with daughter or myself I always ask her to join.  She usually declines.  I am just so hurt for my small side of the family that never will be close to her or have a good time with grandson.  We do not want to take him away with us just spend time playing iwth him, and enjoying her company which she makes impossible.

Offline Pen

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Re: detatched but resentful
« Reply #4 on: April 20, 2010, 01:36:20 PM »
This is such a big hurt, maybe one the biggest, that it's hard to get to the point of not being resentful. We're here for you, Betty, as PS said. For many of us it may be a long haul.

I do believe there are some MILs/DILs who aren't interested in a relationship with the ILs; it serves no purpose for them, so they aren't motivated to try. Some of us, unfortunately, have ended up in this situation.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

bettylou

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Re: detatched but resentful
« Reply #5 on: April 20, 2010, 02:33:00 PM »
I would take indifference over what I have now!  That is for sure, what I have now is a daughter in law that says and does hurtful things to my daughter and I, and keeps grandson away.  I have really tired to make up with her when I have caused her pain, but she enjoys all the pain she causes us, sitting back and laughing about "nerdy" and spoiled my child is wondering out loud how much she will get picked on in high school, telling me I need to scream at her and stop spoiling her so much, and that my daughter is annoying to her because she is a sopy cat of daughter in law.  Ofcourse she is, one she is trying to please daughter in law and be accepted and let in, and two because my daughter in law is flawless looking all the time and gorgeous.  Her looks are stunning and for a mommy with a job she does have a very glamorous life of travel and fun. my daughter is much younger ofcourse she wants to copy her.  And my son is the one who is totally indifferent to our treatment from his wife.  He has no problem to call us up and rail against us for some percieved wrongdoing on our part.  But when he just sits around while his sister is made fun of by a grown woman it hurts us all.  He will only tell me, "well that is how she feels.....what do you want me to say?"
 

Offline Pen

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Re: detatched but resentful
« Reply #6 on: April 20, 2010, 02:39:18 PM »
For sure you don't want your DD emulating DIL's behavior - I'm glad you're taking a break; you might end up happier than you expect. I understand how much you miss your son - I miss mine, too. But your DIL is going out of her way to hurt you and your daughter. When your child is being treated like that, it's time to get her away, no matter what.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline luise.volta

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Re: detatched but resentful
« Reply #7 on: April 20, 2010, 03:52:38 PM »
Whenever I get stuck in resentment I ask myself..."Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" This may not work for anyone else but when I look closely at deliberate cruelty to me or to someone I love, and can document it, my resentment eats me up...so the person keeps hurting me and hurting me because of my focus. I just can't take it.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Orly

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Re: detatched but resentful
« Reply #8 on: April 20, 2010, 05:33:58 PM »
Wanting to be involved with your grandson is admirable.....letting yourself and your daughter be treated like doormats is not.  As much as you want to be there to enjoy gs and interact with your own grown son.....it is way past time you stepped up and protected your daughter.  Regardless of your DIL or your son and their feelings....regardless of your feelings....your daughter is being harmed by inaction on your part.  When is the MOMMABEAR going to come out for her?   When are you going to stand up and be that protection?   If you have to take the step of disengagement from your son's family  to protect your remaining child, then take that hard, hard, step.  Your daughter is depending on you.

Stop focusing on your son, the DIL and your grandson.  Stop chasing after them, doing all the lousy jobs she is demanding of you, and putting up with her slurs on your daughter.  Focus on your daughter.  Try to give her someone to emulate that doesn't involve tearing another person down.  Let your son know you will no longer be accepting his irate calls on behalf of your DIL's insulted feelings, if she isn't woman enough to stand up for herself, too bad!  Stand up for your daughter, she is the one that needs your defense and protection. 

I'm sorry if my post sounds hard. I've been reading yours and my mommabear has been growling since the first one. 

RedRose

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Re: detatched but resentful
« Reply #9 on: April 20, 2010, 06:27:44 PM »

Stop focusing on your son, the DIL and your grandson.  Stop chasing after them, doing all the lousy jobs she is demanding of you, and putting up with her slurs on your daughter.  Focus on your daughter.  Try to give her someone to emulate that doesn't involve tearing another person down.  Let your son know you will no longer be accepting his irate calls on behalf of your DIL's insulted feelings, if she isn't woman enough to stand up for herself, too bad!  Stand up for your daughter, she is the one that needs your defense and protection. 


Orly is right...your daughter needs your attention now...stand by her side, show your daughter how she should be treated



Offline luise.volta

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Re: detatched but resentful
« Reply #10 on: April 20, 2010, 07:05:25 PM »
Well, that sort of meshed with what I said since it involves a shift in focus. Simple...but not necessarily easy.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

bettylou

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Re: detatched but resentful
« Reply #11 on: April 20, 2010, 10:23:19 PM »
I am trying to shift my thinking it is not easy but I am working on it.  I love my daughter dearly and I have always put her first because she is younger and still needs me alot.  When my daughter said all those cruel things, it was slowly over the course of time not all at once.  I would try to address them only to have my feelings dismissed by my son and daughter in law. My daughter knows she is number 1 and not to listen to her sister in law.  But she can not help wanting to be glamorous and grown up like her.  It has gotten easier as daughter is getting older and is less into what goes on in the family and more into friends and school work.  She is even babysitting now and really likes doing that.  I think it has all hurt me much more than her, it usually does that to moms. 

cremebrulee

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Re: detatched but resentful
« Reply #12 on: April 21, 2010, 04:12:14 AM »
Bettylou, I am very sorry you and your daughter are being made to deal with this...it's so distressing...however, I agree with everyone else...your daughter is first and foremost here, and your son's behavior has been unacceptable...not to mention, DIL.  I agree with Orley, tell your son if he calls again, that he is welcome to call, but he is to never call and chew you out for DIL again...if she has something to say to you, then tell him, to tell her, she needs to call and you'll discuss it with her...tell him, this is between her and myself...and then tell him, you will not allow her to talk cruely to your daugher any longer...Your DIL knows what she's doing....and it has to stop

this is not going to be an easy road, however, I do believe your doing right for everyone concerned...leave no words unspoken in this case...stand up for yourself and your daughter to your son, and tell him, there will be no more of this...period.  make certain you pull the parent card on this one...stern and tough love....

your feelings and your daughters will not be dismissed, this is so wrong, to have to endure this...I'm hoping your son will see what is going on here....

Hugs
Creme

« Last Edit: April 21, 2010, 04:17:48 AM by cremebrulee »

Sassy

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Re: detatched but resentful
« Reply #13 on: April 21, 2010, 07:32:47 AM »
When I am presented with terrible things I cannot control, I decide if worrying on it will make any difference to what others do, or what was done.  One day I realized I could be very upset about something or I could filter it out like ignoring as background noise and the outcome would still be the same.  The only result that would be different was if I had a terrible day or not.  And that difference was up to me.


Offline luise.volta

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Re: detatched but resentful
« Reply #14 on: April 21, 2010, 07:38:15 AM »
What Wise Women! I am so touched by the empathy and wisdom here.  Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama