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Separation issues

Started by forever spring, April 15, 2012, 12:09:59 am

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forever spring

Dear WW community,
I put this in grab bag because I know that for most of you this is not an issue of interest (fortunately). If you think, dear global Moderators that it isn't appropriate here, just delete. I just felt I wanted to share this if you are interested.

What follows is my response to an article in the UK broadsheet The Independent on separation:

Dear name,
thank you for your article in the Independent and the Radio Four interviews on separation. You write in detail about the heartache that is caused by a husband and parent leaving. If I understand your thoughts correctly, you believe that there is no chance of redemption once a marriage has been broken and as a result, the life of the children will be thwarted forever.

I  wonder whether this attitude does not lead to even more heartache than what has already been afflicted through separation?

Our son has left his family five months ago but not for another woman. We are grieving as a family now and don't know where to turn. The Family of Origin has closed ranks and neither we, the grandparents, nor our son has access to the children (4 years and 1 1/2 years) any more. Our son does not want to row in front of the children, so at the moment he doesn't fight for his right to see the children in the court.

I'm a mother of two sons and have been married for 32 years. I have no experience bringing up a daughter and I'm not in tune with girls of this generation. I struggle with the thought that my former Daughter-in-law will be miserable for the rest of her life. Our allegiance is of course with our son, hard as this may be. However, as a woman who grew up in the seventies with strong links to the idea of Feminism, I have empathy for what the former wife is going through and thinking of her hurts. I've never felt as inadequate as I feel now.

You say in your article: 'It's as if my eyeballs were turned inwards and my other senses too. Many have accused me of unseemly solipsism, of washing too many wet hankies in public, of being dementedly obsessed with the past. All true. It was all I could and can do. It must be hard for the dear departed, never being allowed to forget.' and you quote 'one distraught mum': "He leaves me, broke and broken-hearted and I am just to take it, give him his share of the babies I carried and gave birth to, treat him well, never cry, never tell him I want to die."

If what you say is true than there can be no redemption if a man does this to his wife. Can there be no forgiveness? At this bleak time in our lives, is there no hope for us as a family that things can mend with time? You are also very critical about shared parenting in an article entitled 'For the sake of the children. That means that in our case the family of origin will create a warm and secure space for the children, and we will be out in the cold. If this really is the best for the children I wouldn't mind the pain but I'm not sure whether they really benefit if we stay away for ever.

I'm writing to you with my personal thoughts to point out that your opinion published in a major broadsheet paper in the UK does resonate and while it makes people think, it can also lead to some of us losing hope. I speak without the experience of having been left by a husband so my opinion may not count - I understand this - but can forgiveness and understanding of the motives of the Other and a reflection on ones own contribution to the failure of a marriage be the building block for a better future of two people - more in tune with life as two individuals?

Thank you.
Regards from a very sad Grandmother


As long as you are the Author, then it's ok.  Original works are allowed as long as you state they are yours.  Just can't post no one else's, so the link you provided was perfect to get to the rest of it.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell