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My DIL the Drama Queen!

Started by Soft Hearted, April 10, 2012, 10:02:28 pm

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Soft Hearted

I haven't written a topic for awhile but I need advice again on how to put up with my DIL's drama.  I feel like a puppet walking on eggshells.  For Easter brunch, my oldest son had to work so DIL & GS joined my hubby, youngest & his wife & I at a local restaurant.  She invited her FOO at the last minute.  They all arrived late.  We already shared with the waitress there would be 6 on our tab.  She asked DIL's FOO who was on what tab.  I spoke up & said to include her with our 4.  I guess she didn't hear what I said but saw that I motioned our 4.  Most of us left the table to go thru the buffet.  When I returned to the table with my plate, our youngest son's wife was crying & ran out of the restaurant with my son following.  My husband said there's a problem.  The Drama Queen DIL came over to me & says "We're done".  You can imagine I had no idea what had just occurred.  I asked what was wrong, she shouted "if you can't include me as family then we're done."  I asked what happened.  She didn't think we included her.  I said we asked you to come with us.  She yelled, "but you couldn't pay for me".  I said we did include her on our tab.  Then she proceeded to yell that we should pay for everyone at the table & runs out of the restaurant. Her sister proceeded to tell me I was rude.  I was still trying to figure out what happened to cause all of this.  All I said was I'm sorry but DIL must've misunderstood.  My husband grabbed my arm & said let's go outside.  I was in shock.  My husband was trying to talk to Drama Queen while I went to console my son & his wife.  Youngest son goes back in to pay for he & wife & my husband & I.  Comes back out to say he wants to leave.  They rode with us.  Drama Queen comes over to declare war on all 4 of us.  It was just awful.  All of us kept out cool but Drama Queen was determined to verbally bash us down.  Should I have just said we'd pay the tab for everyone to start with?  I feel terribly embarrassed & terribly upset.  I know she again will keep my oldest son & GC away from us.  It will be months before we'll see them again.  Today is my birthday & I got no phone call from son #1.  We live 4 hrs. away.  Last year, we didn't see them all summer for some other indiscretion until she called in November saying the GC missed us.  What is with these Drama Queens?  I just don't get it.  Why am I even trying....because I love my GC & son.

lancaster lady

Oh Dear ,
This little lady seems very immature to me and maybe insecure too ?
Once she doesn't get the attention she craves , this drama queen will stop acting .
I would ignore this and all her other attention seeking scenarios . What does your Ds make of all her
play acting , he must be embarrassed in front of his FOO .
One day she will realise she is attracting the wrong kind of attention , as you have already apologised
for a misunderstanding outwith your control , I would let her wait out her silence .


SH, IMO some people are looking for any excuse to cause a rift.

I hope someone can be brave enough (DIL's FOO? DS?) to let this young woman know how immature & unattractive her behavior is. Other than that, you'll likely have to continue walking on eggshells.

If this hysterical behavior was acted out by a MIL instead of a DIL, the MIL would probably be cut off immediately. In this case the DIL will do the cutting from DS's FOO even though she was the one with the poor behavior. MILs can't catch a break sometimes  :P We can't cut anyone off w/o losing our DSs & GC. Sad.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Soft Hearted

Can someone help me out with the abbreviations so I can better write any replies?  I'm still a newby and don't understand them all.  Please & thank-you!

lancaster lady

If you go to the home page and scroll down to helpful resources , it's under abreciations .....aka Abbreviations ....lol
you can still write any reply in full , it just makes it faster .


I hope it gets better with the Drama Queen but not so sure , I agree with others she is very immature and must be very insecure. AS I've found out by our drama king ( sil) this kind of person will find something to get upset about , I think they like chaos in their life so they just can't function unless there is always a crisis going on and they seem to like to call the shots on the crisis.  WE had a scene of a drama king at the wedding reception so I can understand how embarrassed you were , at least you got to leave I had to continue on like things were fine for another 2-3 hours when all I wanted to do was go home . I think next time they come i ought to go to a breakfast house , get egg shells to dry and crush on the floor for us all  to remember to step softly around him.   lol Good luck and send any ideas to us all .


It sounds like your DIL really doesn't feel included in your family, so the moment she thought you purposely excluded her, she flipped a switch.  My guess is there is a history here.

Honestly, I would be very hesitant to consider going to any in law function with my DH unless I was on very good terms with my in laws and I doubt you are on very good terms given her reaction.  My speculation is that your son convinced her to go after significant persuasion.  He probably told her that you would pay everything too.  He may have even told her that her FOO was welcome in order to convince her to go.  Frankly, had I been in your shoes, I would have just paid for everyone to ensure that everyone felt welcome.


I can see where if DIL didn't hear you and just saw the motion to the 4 of you, that could have hurt her feelings.  Did she react well?  No, it would have been cleared up at check paying time or she could have asked.  Or even after getting upset and then you explained it, that should have cleared it up.  As far as her inviting her FOO and not checking with you, then expecting you to pay, that was her mistake.  Could your DS had told her to invite them and you guys would take care of it as FooFoo pointed out, sure...but we are making an assumption about that and then she should have been upset with her DH, not you.  If she then told her sister that you guys would be paying, then that was on her and DH too, not you.

I don't think you should have paid for her FOO since you didn't invite them.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Soft Hearted

My DIL always flips a switch.  She never listens to explanations or reason.  She just jumps to conclusions & shuts me out.  I believe this all stems from DS blaming me for divorcing his father.  His father was never faithful & was abusive.  Should I have stayed with him for the sake of the children - NO!  His father has forever bashed me & I've had my moments of bashing too.  My DS only remembers his father's side because I tried to shield him from verbal bashing from me.  My DS can't accept things that can't be changed.  I know DIL thinks she is defending DS by constantly watching me for any indescretions & to put me in place when she deems necessary.  When DIL bashed my youngest son by calling him the favored child, that also seems to come from DS.  My youngest son has an understanding about my ex & I.  Both sons have a different opinion about me.  I don't see why this whole mess can't be fixed but if nobody listens to reason it simply can't be fixed.  Our DIL is very insecure & very immature.  She too has to live with divorced parents.  I just wish DS & DIL could understand that all we want it to have them in our lives, let go of the past & move forward.  My DIL keeps a tally sheet & with each time she an "indescretion" she informs you of all your "indescretions".  We rarely see them & sometimes we can have a visit & come out unscathed.  Most times not.  It kind of comes back to the saying "If a dog bit us, we wouldn't give it a treat."  I just don't know how to fix all of this but just walk away forever from my son's life but my heart says "hang in there....keep trying to get through to them."  All of this just makes me sick inside.


And this kind of 'divy-ing up' is done all the time in restaurants, nobody likes it or feels comfortable with it but only on the rare occasion can one generous benefactor pick up the tab for the whole table.  However, I think both DIL's were out of line, tears in public and creating a scene... well just no.  This was just a simple misunderstanding, carried to the extreme of a cat fight and what a sad end to what should have been a special and happy day. 

soft hearted, I wouldn't spend too much time analyzing this.  I've never liked, nor do I understand, spouses getting involved with latent childhood/parent wars.  I'm not at all sure DIL is thinking these things out on a level you are imagining.  She may just be a very highly strung person who as you said, loves to create drama. 

Walking away from your sons life forever - is also too much drama.  I would suggest and hope that you will do just what I have to do also, step back and try to live your life and turn in your badge.  Our a/c won't mature and/or see the light until they are ready and want to, the same as we do.  We are all responsible for our own actions as adults, there comes a time when its just over, the blame game that is.


SH - Part of your responsibility in coming into the Forum is reading and accepting the Forum Agreement and reading How This Happened and How to Postal on the Home Page under Open Me First. The abbreviations are referred to there. Thanks.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

forever spring

Now your drama queen DIL sounds really familiar. I've been there, walked on eggshells, got hurt, was told off, the lot ...

But now that she is ExDIL, I wish I could have her 'warts and all'  (and my GC) back in my life and none of the awful things that have happened after the break-up would have come to pass. Give me drama queen any time, I say now but one is always wiser in hindsight.

I'm not writing this to make light of your concerns and hurt because I've been there and know how it can affect our sense of well being, all I'm trying to say is there is always worse. If your DS is somehow happy with the situation that's better than him wanting to leave the drama queen because he can't stand her any more.

Good luck with your DIL, she sounds immature and not that confident. Maybe she will change for the better some day.

Soft Hearted

Thank you for your replies.  My situation with my DIL is a tough one.  She's very narcisisstic.  She is always bullying someone, not just family members.  She has anger issues.  Anyone who crosses her path in the wrong direction will hear about it loudly.  It doesn't matter if she's wrong because in her mind she is always right.  My OS is a good guy but rarely stands up to her because he knows he will be picked apart.  This is his 2nd marriage & he has 2 kids from the 1st, 1 child with the 2nd.  She has 2 kids from her previous marriage. That brings up another issue that worries me.  She is constantly picking at the GK.  Her kids can do know wrong but OS kids can't do anything right.  I don't know how many times I've witnessed her disciplines.  Whether at home or in public, she yells at them.  Mostly yelling about lying about something. These kids are scared of her. They're afraid to say the wrong thing. I've seen these kids cry so much, she goes off on them "You are liars, you discust me, I don't want to even look at you."  Our 13 yr. old GS, has in private told me that he gets blamed for everything.  I worry that they will feel they have no value or self worth (if they dont already).  These kids are straight A students.  I have bit my tongue until it bleeds.  My son just goes along with her demands.  I see my son doing most of the work at home.  He cooks all of the meals (otherwise she'll order out), he cleans, he does the laundry, does the grocery shopping & takes care of the kids.  He looks tired most of the time. She whines all the while that she has so much to do but it appears that she just washes the dishes & runs her little Shark vacuum.  She doesn't even have that many dishes since she uses throw away plates, cups & utensils. When her employees stop by, I hear her whining to them then see them folding her laundry & funny thing is that they know where it all gets put away.

We don't visit with them unless we're invited or needed for babysitting.  It's been 4 yrs. since they have come to our house.  We invite them only to be told they have too many functions going on.  When we go visit, we spend quality with the GK & stay out of her way. I have never treated DIL unkindly, I always try to make her feel part of the family, I don't interfere or give advice or meddle, I babysit when asked, I have no expectations, I just try to get along.  She just doesn't like me.  Period!  After the Easter episode, it became very clear that she doesn't like YS & his wife too.  I don't want drama & I don't do drama.  I only hope she will grow up & treat others as she would like to be treated.  The first DIL was self centered but was never mean.  The 2nd DIL just takes the whole cake.  We will miss our GK deeply all Spring, Summer & Fall but DIL will call & want us again right before Christmas.  Then we'll get to enjoy them for 3 or 4 months tops.  During the good months, we'll get to have OS kids maybe once or twice at our home with no parents.  That is pure heaven! It's been this way for the past 4 yrs. My DH & I will live our lives as best we can & wait for whatever crumbs we can get.  Is there something I can do to make this situation better?

forever spring

Sorry Soft Hearted, I didn't realise you had gone through a break-up as well when I posted my earlier response. So you know what that's like and to get a second DIL from hell, just such tough luck. I'm sorry to hear this, what a pity that the children are suffering also. Thinking of you, it seems a no-win situation ...