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I felt like my head was going to explode

Started by tryingmybest, April 09, 2012, 05:16:48 am

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Okay we spent Easter with DS and DIL and DGC at a big family get together, and DIL and DS and I have a great relationship, because I am the Stepford MIL. I never step out of line, never have expectations, never challenge, rock the boat....gag. and I don't know how long I can KEEP THIS UP!
DIL clearly feels her relationship with her FOO comes
DS spends his day doing exactly what she wants and almost begging for some notice, he is so completely different then the man he was, it is chilling. He discussed his desire to buy a piece of furniture for their den last night that he really wanted and her comment was "no, I don't want it, not going to happen" with this dismissive smirk on her face, and this was in front of his family.  ??? Her family was there too and they all just chuckled.
I am not interested in more time with them, quite frankly being around this for any length of time is exhausting. the baby is beautiful, but I am not letting myself get too close because I don't want to give DIL another way to control me.  I'm concerned because he looks miserable and stressed, and I know him, at some point he'll get in touch with how angry all this makes him. I'm not clouding the issue by giving them the chance to get angry at me because I am the perfect MIL, so now he's clearly seeing what's going on. I guess my question is how can I be supportive to DS, while keeping my feelings buried and my sanity too.


This is a tough one, TMB.  Is it possible to limit your time with DIL while still seeing DS?  I think you're doing the right thing as you've always done, not saying anything and being there for him, I'm sure he knows he can come to you when he needs it. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift


My take is you are doing all you can do by not further complicating DSs issues with your own. If he wants support, he knows you're there but it doesn't sound like he can go there without the whole thing tumbling down. Hold him in your heart...and hold him "able." Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


I don't know that you need to do any more than you already are doing. You have removed yourself as the issue, so now he can't put off dealing with the problems in his marriage. He may never deal with them. I know this is heartbreaking to watch, but it is his life and he may choose to stay miserable. As long as he puts up with it, she will treat him like this. Maybe if he stood up for himself she would change in order to stay married.

I love my SD, but she treats her H horribly, and it is hard to watch. GD even told her once while we were there that she didn't like how her Mommy was treating her Daddy. I hope for so much more for both of them, but I can't do it for them. 

You are a saint for being able to keep your mouth shut.

lancaster lady

Trying ;

I had to watch my Ds be led by a leash too .
They have been together now for about 6 years and married for nearly one .
I can see now and again he has his own way with things .
So give it time , don't get involved and maybe he will also find his voice .


Trying My Best  , I can totally understand where you are as that is exactly how i feel but it is a bit turned, as it is the DD and Sil for me , I now feel as though I've got many scar lines on my tongue for biting so hard not to say a word, not to show my feelings of concern, hurt or worry and not to make a problem in  the marriage . They have been together 6 years , two married and now have a little boy 10 weeks old . She is my only child and Dh has two sons. DH feels she is his DD , they are very close as we married when she was 12 , her daddy was killed in car accident when she was 2 . So we are trying to support , jump through hoops , walk on egg shells to do whatever we can do to do the right thing. I feel the SIL is in control of her , us , his family and the situation, everyone knows to have a nice get together we have to make him happy , do things or fix things he likes etc . I understand and if you find a good idea or solution pass it my way. Now to spring clean will clear my mind, wear the body out and get me in the right direction out of this funk   lol


Trying - I think you're mostly doing the right thing.  The only part I would disagree with was the 'not getting close' to your GK because of DIL.  I don't think you should let her dictate that.

I'm thinking of my Mom.  My brother's wife was a pill.  Not evil, but controlling and very opinionated.  My Mom walked on eggshells with her for 21 years and in that time, forged a great relationship with the GK's (now, older teens).  Now my brother has finally had 'enough' and he and SIL have separated.  He has actually stated that he "has to make up for neglecting his family for 21 years".

If my Mom had stepped back and let the relationship with her GK's lapse when they were little, she wouldn't have much of one with them now.  And really, the harsh "Mom's Rules" were only for the first 10 years or so.  I hope that my Mom has another 20 years in her, and that would put the GK's in their late 30's, she would say that the 10 years of 'walking on eggshells' was worth it, for the rest of their years together.

lancaster lady

I agree Scoop ,

No matter what my DIL doled out to me , there was no way I wasn't going to get close to my GD .
She lights up my life in every way .
Now she is two and asks to phone her Nona , nothing greater than her wee voice on the phone .
It's also a way of retaining that link to your Ds , and the cuddles are great too .


I hope I can look forward and see that relationship with my new gs as the walking on eggshells doesn't sound fun as we have been there done that already and it is exhausting but I know it is worth it in the end , just hope they let us ( DD and Sil ) have a relationship. I'll hope for the same .


Scoop and LL you're right. I think right now I'm just protecting myself DGC is about a month old and we're seeing them all as much as we can, I guess I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I just think it must be heartbreaking to forge a relationship with a grand child and then have it ripped away. I'm just finding sitting on my feelings exhausting. I just want to say "Get over yourself Toots, Mommy and Daddy must have convinced you the sun rose and and set on you, but I find you rude and manipulative and kind of mean, and I don't LIKE YOU!
of course I don't do that, I slap this plastic smile on my face, and grind my teeth. Sorry for the vent I seriously think I broke one last night . ???


Thinking of you, and I hope you didn't actually break a tooth. I understand about sitting on your feelings, I am usually pretty lively & outspoken but since DS got married I've turned into a mouse. My friends wonder where the old me went.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

lancaster lady

Here is me blaming the menopause for my personality change . I hope the old me hasnt gone for good ...   :P


My take: I think when we sell out that we lose.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

lancaster lady

You are so right Luise . You are up late , and I am just about to put my scones in the oven ! I will keep one especially for you . Sleep tight .x


Luise that is it exactly I feel like I'm selling out! When I hear DIL just being vicious about her "friends " behind their backs all I can think of is "whew I'd love to be a fly on the wall when she talks about me!"

She is just mean and one of the most "entitled " people I've ever met. And it is really hard to hear the meanness directed to DS, and the way he jumps around trying to keep her happy...ouch off to the dentist! What's hard is, I HAVE to deal with her or lose my son and DGC. What is harder is dealing with my anger at DS for bringing this woman into my life. She was his choice, but it's been four years of her controlling my life. Grrrr >:(