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Daughter harrasses me still over custody

Started by Didi.lost, April 03, 2012, 07:54:12 PM

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Didi.lost

DD has lost custody temporary to ex SIL.  Still ongoing battle and dd still blames everyone else for her losing him especially us her parents.  I'm getting the brunt of all of it.  I have shut down communication with her now completely for my own sanity.  she emails me now, how temporary custody usually means permanent custody.  And says are you happy.  Of course I'm not happy this has happened and we had decided to write a letter for ex sil to get custody.  Why didn't she think of that when we told her over and over stop drinking and verbally abusing everyone.  The alcohol abuse and attitude had just escalated to the point were NO One in the family could deal or talk to her anymore.  Poor gs had to live in drama, verbal abuse, drunken episodes.
Doesn't he deserve a normal calm fun loving life free from abuse from bf who means more to dd than her own son.  Oh but now he is everything and she is the greatest mother and I am the worst.  Now her whole life was awful growing up and it's all her parents fault she is the way she is.  Well excuse me but just last year you said you had such a happy childhood and wanted your son to have that too. Make up your mind.  She can't cause it's all fogged with alcohol and dillusions.  I'm so hurt and mad at how truly cruel she has been towards us and her own brother she had loved so much is now hated too.
Our children do this stuff to themselves and then blame us cause it's easier than taking the responsiblity for their own actions.  Well I'm sorry you lost your son you should have thought of that before.  You would think this would make her wake up and do something about it but still won't give up drinking or give up the stupid bf who scares gs and says terrible things to him.  Instead of trying to change she has time to harrass me every chance she gets.
I guess I hit my limit because I'm not falling for the poor poor me attitude anymore.  Everytime I try to help I just get used and abused again.  At least gs will be ok where he is and I still have my ds who loves us and respects us and he hates what his sister has become.  It's a terrible rift in a family and unbearable to deal with but we will one day at a time. 
I know many more of you have worse problems than me and my heart goes out to all of you.  Hang in there, we will get by and conquer all one day.

elsieshaye

Didi, my boyfriend is an adult child of an alcoholic mother, and we were talking last night about a friend of mine who drinks on weekends when her ex-h has visitation about how I had told her to be careful about what she does when she's out partying with her boyfriend, because it could easily create custody problems for her.  My BF was adamant that he wouldn't wish growing up with an alcoholic, volatile mother on anyone, and that it was really scarring.  He also ended up marrying an alcoholic.

No matter what your daughter says, you did something important for your grandchild, so that he could grow up safe.  Your daughter is not in her right mind at this point, and all you can do is protect yourself from abusive communication and let things be as they are.  You will never get her to agree that you did a good thing, but that doesn't mean you didn't.

E.
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Didi.lost

Thanks elsieshaye.  It was wonderful to hear that reassurance that I did the right thing.  I know in my heart I did and I see she will never give up the drinking not now anyway, so I have cut all communication with her and will focus on my son who loves me and supports me.  I really hope I will get to see my gs in the end, but that is out of my hands too.

lancaster lady

Didi ,

Bless you Didi , you 100% did the right thing , and your GS will thank you for it when he's older .
He's in the right place with his DF .You tried your best to help your DD , and I know it's heart breaking because at the
end of the day , she is your daughter but what else could you do ?
So don't feel guilty at any time , maybe one day she will come to her senses , she's blaming you for
her own failures but she has to own her choices , and losing her Ds is the consequence of the lifestyle
of her choice .
You will see him , of course you will you are his grandma !

Pen

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Pooh

Great job DiDi.  Your GC is very lucky to have you in their corner.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Didi.lost

Yes Im getting Gs on sat for overnight. Hes excited so are we
Gonna be a great day. Im still struggling the feelings for my
Dd and what she is going thru  i hate that we had to do this
To her. Its a terrible thing to live with everyday.  But she brought
This on herself i know. Its still hard to take. And if she looses
Custody permanently im afraid of the threats she made may
Happen. She can be very spiteful.  Im just taking one day at a time
Trying to move on and hopefully accept this mess one day

lancaster lady

Enjoy that little guy ! His cuddles will help you feel better . This might be life changing for your. DD for the better . Lets hope so .

forever spring

Didi that must have been a very tough decision to take. You became the advocate of your GC and must have assessed the situation in the best way possible under the circumstances. Does your DD need counselling for her alcohol abuse? She must be in a dark space now. If she stops drinking, is there hope to get shared custody? That may be a good move for all concerned. Enjoy your GS, he'll get all the attention and love that he needs at the moment and that's wonderful.

Didi.lost

Yes forever spring it was the worst decision I ever had to make and don't wish
that on anyone with a DD and 2GC that we were involved with all their lives.
My DD is in a very dark place and does need counselling we found out for
anger issues which I think may be the cause of the drinking.  She is bent on
revenge on her ex and winning custody and not letting him have her son as much as before.  Its was 50/50.  She feels he just wants to get out of paying support, but I really believe he wants to help his son.  She is a very angry
person with her family right now and now says we are the cause of all her problems.  So she is still blaming and I don't think she wants to quit drinking because then her new BF wouldn't want to stick around cause he is
a very heavy drinker.  So she has made her choice I guess over her son.  She says she wants him back but doesn't seem to want to change anything.  If you don't agree with her over something, then you get the wrath of her.  don't cross her or try to take anything away cause she will fight to the end for herself.  We have tried so many times to tell her to get the help she needs
and stop drinking.  I don't know what she is doing anymore now since we are not speaking at all.  Only time I here from her now is to give me more crap
talk because something isn't going good in her case.  Her ex gave texts between him and I to his lawyer for the court.  So my fault again.  She is
feeling very sorry for herself and I know its hard on her but I just don't know what to do or think anymore.  I've been just staying out of everything
and not speaking to her.  What's the point, she just makes me feel worse about
myself than I already do.

Didi.lost

Oh ya and she has turned my gd against me too now
Dd  says she hates me too

Keys Girl

High five to you........brutal to have to "turn" against your daughter, when you are really turning the tide towards a better future for your grandson.

And her boyfriend is a heavy drinker, too........another high five to you, Didi, you just took 2 people who are not in a position to bring anything more than chaos and disruption into GS life.  Don't believe a word about who "hates" you.........being around someone with a big problem with alcohol will induce people to say anything to keep them "happy".

Don't forget Alanon and I know there is Alateen, there might even be something for younger kids.

I wouldn't like to see her get shared custody, she's already using her son like a pawn, and watch out for her to sober up (a bit) and come back to be "sorry", watch for what she does, not what she says, actions speak louder than words and unless she get some serious treatment she'll say whatever it takes to make others do what she wants.

Congratulations on being such a strong woman, a great example to others facing the same situation and wise indeed!

KG

"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Didi.lost

Thanks KG.  Sounds like you know my daughter to a T.
Oh I'm not falling for her games anymore.  I have had enough already.
I know who is in my corner and I'm with them.  I will be on the lookout..
thanks.  I can't see her getting him back any time soon until some really big changes occur.  And she is not ready to do that.  Her loss not mine.  Right.
I went to alanon 30 years ago but I still remember  what they said.  Maybe I should go again.

Didi.lost

Well DD custody case is still ongoing.  Guess it's not going well for her
and she's starting to realize she gonna loose her case.  She is getting every 2nd weekend visitation now.  So even though we have had no contact for amonth, she had to email me.  She told me how bad her ex's lawyer made her look and how the judge would not even listen to her side.  I guess she was
wanting me to feel sorry for her and I did feel bad and then she starting
the blame game on us again.  How she didn't do anything wrong.  But 18 people
have a different story about her actions as a bad mother.  She still won't
admit she has any problems and still drinks I'm sure cause she said that wasn't so much the problem in court.  They just bashed her she said. 
I can't wait til this court is over.  And wish she would accept responsibility for what she has done and just leave me alone.  Cause no matter how much talking I have tried to do with her and as nicely and cautiously as I can (cause she just takes everything as me being non supportive) I really am so fed up with this whole situation.  I just want it all to go away.  But since I'm the one that she says is at fault for her loosing her son cause I called her ex well it just makes me ill inside because I am responsible for that but nothing I can do will change that now.
And her ex is pulling out all the ammo he can to win.  Sad but true she will loose her son and never take responsibility for any of it.  I guess it will be a rough life for us for a long long time.  Cause none of us can put this out of our minds daily.  Better days ahead I hope though.

forever spring

Quote from: Didi.lost on April 30, 2012, 09:53:45 PM
I guess it will be a rough life for us for a long long time.  Cause none of us can put this out of our minds daily.  Better days ahead I hope though.
So sorry to hear that Didi. I can understand how this is with you day in and day out - no escape from these feelings. As many wise women have said on this forum, try to re-focus even if it is only for a few moments/hours a day. Better days will be ahead - even this will pass! Wounds heal eventually.