Author Topic: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL  (Read 2540 times)

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Offline artlady

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anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
« on: March 25, 2012, 07:43:01 PM »
I just want to know if there is anyone on here that has a hard to deal with , controlling SIL , what happened and how did you deal with it not to interfere or lose daughter. we are at a loss for what to do and now with the new little 7 week old GS we don't want to cause any problems but the rudeness of the SIL breaks our hearts and we bend over backgrounds to be nice and do everything we can to make him welcome and comfortable . Please help

Offline pam1

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Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
« Reply #1 on: March 25, 2012, 09:52:04 PM »
artlady, what has he done lately?
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline Pen

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Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
« Reply #2 on: March 26, 2012, 06:32:43 AM »
ArtLady, do you have any sort of relationship w/ his FOO? I'd be curious to know how they handle being frozen out as well. If my DS was treating his ILs this way I'd be very concerned if not downright furious.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline artlady

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Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
« Reply #3 on: March 26, 2012, 08:04:02 AM »
Oh he treats them the same as he doesn't get along with his dad or stepmom, just puts up with them if he has to, has  not respect for his dad and his dad doesn't seem to be  fatherly or loving to him either. Planning the wedding dad never called to see what he could do or how things were going, they started remodeling their house about 2 months after the engagement ,they said they would help but they left me holding some of their bills and this was not a cheap wedding for us at all. He got mad in college over a girl with his brother and that was 14 years ago and to this day he still doesn't like his brother they have nothing to do with each other and live in the same city. So his idea of family his just the ones in his house. His mother died 12 years ago and , dd feels so sorry for him as he misses her so much, wedding was about to turn into a memorial to her and now the baby's middle name is her first name, poor child it is not good for a little boy to grow up carrying that weight. So all have said we are not the ones that need counseling , this past weekend i turned 60 and it was the first time my dd hasn't been with me in 31 years , they haven't gone anywhere with the baby except short trips , so she wanted me to drive up there to do lunch or dinner , i really didn't relish spending my 60th with him. I didn't get text , call or email from him, i asked her by email if he knew it was my birthday she said he thought it was April 23, and did she send happy birthday from them all. I think his family was very strange more so than we knew as family celebrations , family ties etc are not anything he identifies with except now he doesn't want anyone to forget his birthday etc.  DD still can't call as we have talked on phone 6 times in 7 weeks due to the free time on her phone is when he is home and he is now taking care of her bills and fussed from bill before baby over going over as she called everyday leaving work to home ( 45 drive)  and running errands .  Now she is home with a fussy gassy know it all dh. Hope this helps refresh or update you . My heart is broken it feels like the dd i knew before the baby has disappeared ;To answer if we have contact with foo , is no we they r the  kind that don't' blend with others , at wedding and parties folks were afraid to talk to them as they looked like they would bite your head off, not fun to be around and we tried to be as nice as possible , they complained before and after wedding about everyt8ing they could , i guess so and left us holding the bag on their bills

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
« Reply #4 on: March 26, 2012, 02:01:42 PM »
Hi Artlady ....

If you could be sure of not losing your DD , I would stand up to this bully .
would you take that kind of abuse from any of your own AC ?
He is doing this because he can , and it makes him feel powerful over you and your DD.
I feel after my experience , it was better to get things out in the open , rather than let it fester away
and make you ill , which it was doing to me .
After the rift with my DIL , then my FDIL , she was refusing to let me see my GD .
I couldn't live with that prospect , so I took the bull by the horns and met it full on .
Her type of parenting didn't involve anyone else , which she omitted to tell anyone , plus other issues.
It took a while , but we came to an understanding .
I couldn't sit back and let things go on , like yourself , it was killing me .

I know it's a risk , I don't know how strong your relationship is with your DD , but it sounds solid to me .
This is the solution I took , but each situation is different .
I know your heart is breaking , don't let him push you out of your DD's and GS 's life .
Sending Hugs for  strength .

Offline artlady

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Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
« Reply #5 on: March 27, 2012, 03:22:36 PM »
LL  I need all the strength I can get , I feel like just backing away but that let's him win . As the counselor ( we went to see the day or so after coming home from the baby's birth) she said his personality sounds to be the type that confrontation will only back him up more and these types don't like being put in a corner. He has issues we never saw prior to the wedding , he had us and everyone fooled. I just have no idea what to do to try to make this liveable for us all. It is not at all what I thought being a grandmother would be like or feel like . I certainly don't want to get to close to this baby as Ive got a gut feeling sil will use him to totally jerk my heart out of my chest.

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
« Reply #6 on: March 28, 2012, 12:07:24 AM »
My heart breaks for you honestly , it brings back those sickly feelings when my gd was held to ransom . It makes the arbitrator all powerful and we will do literally anything to see our gc . Time will tell AL , and you have your DD on your side . I hope she tires of his power struggle , and demands your presence whether he likes it or not . I know what you are going through , it's a pain in your chest that never goes away . Be strong , and give that baby a cyber snuggle from me .......hugs .

Offline artlady

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Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
« Reply #7 on: March 28, 2012, 10:13:56 AM »
Thanks LL, you are really hanging in there with this old woman and yes it is a pain that doesn't go away, the encouragement , thoughts , suggestions and hugs from this site make it better as I can vent here without being judged as so many are or have gone through something similar which can be worse than mine or not as bad . WE are need each other and I'm so glad for this site . I do hope to keep things good between myself and the DD so that she never feels alone or stranded with no support. Our door and hearts are always open to her forever. It is just such a "walking on eggshells around the SIL "" all the time which is hard not to be ourselves ( of which we love good laughs , jokes and life) to be reserved etc, if we did that around others they would think we were sick or something .  That is what my DH is so tired of doing not being able to relax or be ourselves in our own home and make sure SIL is happy , not matter if everyone else is unhappy. I see  his point. Good example he is such a light sleeper, he sleeps with ear plugs since he started dating DD, when he comes here he can't sleep good as the dogs wake him up in the morning going out , ( two little bichons ) So we almost muzzled them the first bark so not to wake him and then DH and I go to the garage or on the deck to keep them from barking or making noise that will wake him up , we get out coffee very quietly, talk in whisper and their bedroom is on the other side of the house but he will tell DD that the dogs woke him up or us etc. So dam if we do dam if we don't . Next time he comes we ought to get out pots and pans and start our own little " pan band " trying to play 3 blind mice   LOL 

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
« Reply #8 on: March 28, 2012, 11:19:43 AM »
Lol ...I would be the one leading the parade , with the biggest pot !

I remember seeing my GD when she was a week old and very jaundiced .
I asked how often she was feeding , and was literally shown the door , because I was told my FDIL feeds
her baby ! I didn't get a chance to explain about fluids and jaundice .
After that is was by invitation only , complete with duct tape for my mouth .
So set the standard of any visits with my Gd , until the visits got less and less .
Things came to a head , and here we are today . A lot of water under the bridge and lots of tears .
I hope you attain some level of comfort for those visits ...they are precious .

Paint on Artlady ,  and it all fades away , for a wee while anyway .

Offline artlady

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Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
« Reply #9 on: March 28, 2012, 11:27:59 AM »
so now do you see her . things better or worse ? did it ever end up with all of you sitting down and talking it out or were u  all just going along riding the boat ?

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
« Reply #10 on: March 28, 2012, 11:50:21 AM »
Facebook brought everything to a head , as it sometimes does .
A comment I made about catching up with family on FB because I never see them , made for my
other two AC , whom I never saw at that time  and who took the whole thing as a joke from Mom .
However my FDIL took this to mean her , and the whole thing blew up .
We didn't speak for a long time , then my DS persuaded me to contact his FDW .
We sorted things mostly by email , she sent off some nasty ones previously , so I was a bit hesitant.
I was so desperate  to see my GD , we  came to a mutual respect eventually, I hope !
I waited for invites to visit , which  came after a while .
Then low and behold they became homeless through financial problems and asked to move in with me .
So Karma came back to bite them truly .They moved out 6 months ago and I do see my GD , not as often as I would like , but I requested a visit this week , and am waiting on a date .So it's all very polite .

Offline artlady

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Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
« Reply #11 on: March 28, 2012, 12:18:42 PM »
OK  well not sure this will happen like that or turn out that good , as dealing with attitudes and rudeness is very hard as that is the SIL and I'm just not the type that can feel comfortable or say anything in my own defense with those type . Someone said on here about my situation that he was being a bully and as long as we put up with it , he has the control and will continue the bullying , oh wow i hope not , I'm waiting on extreme intervention to get to him while he sleeps and he wakes up a new man   lol.  I just pray his control and short fuse doesn't ever turn out to be physical , since the wedding I' ve heard the verbal things he has said to her , that he shouldn't have done in front of her mother , saved it for later . So i know he can berate her , make her feel she can't do anthying without him checking it or looking over her shoulder ( like cooking etc he has to see if she gets it right ). AS if he turns physical my dh will be hard to hold back , he is not a violent person but he is a retired detective so those cases are ones he knows very well . Some ended up really tragic . OK still have to run errands now that I've not gotten much done today  lol. Hope your visit is good and it is soon . give that sweet little gd a big cuddly hug and a sweet kiss for me . love her hard while there . thanks ll

Offline herbalescapes

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Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
« Reply #12 on: March 29, 2012, 12:56:11 PM »
I dont' think the gender role reversal makes your situation much differnet from the majority who are dealing with a controlling DIL.  This is who your AC decided to marry so that is who you are stuck with.  Wish I had some surefire way to make things work out.  The reality is, unless your DD leaves him, SIL is a package deal with DD and now GS.  Maybe counseling can help you with dealing with the situation - it's like  ALANON, you're not the alcoholic, but you need support in having an alcoholic in your life.  Good luck.

Offline artlady

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Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
« Reply #13 on: March 29, 2012, 04:51:31 PM »
Hey Herbal you might have missed previous posts or on another pager but we left from seeing baby , next day just not feeling good about his behavior toward us and yes we called got and appt . So baby born on Monday, we were in counseling by thur . So yes we will do whatever it takes to make things work , the sad part is , he is not the least bit interested in family on either side. His or hers. Thanks

Offline Ruth

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Re: anyone have trouble with SIL,as most always discuss the DIL
« Reply #14 on: March 29, 2012, 06:03:04 PM »
he has a lot of similarities to my DS, and its almost painful for me to read about it - remorseless, remote , cold, controlling.  The odd thing is however, you say he had a wonderful loving relationship with his DM, it just doesn't add up.  It seems he would cherish women, and have more comfort zone with you than with your DH.  It isn't so simple now as DD leaving, (and she hasn't even given you any reason to believe this is what she wants if I understand this correctly), as there is now a child involved and the tactics that a remorseless, controlling, antagonistic and selfish person could resort to in a child custody battle are unthinkable.  And yet knowing all this, your DD plans to have another child right away??   Why don't you lay all the cards on the table to your DD, and just ask her to tell you her side of the story?  I have the greatest respect for LL, and almost always agree, but this time I can't agree, I fear the repercussions of this guy if he is given any ultimatums or counter attacks.  I'm only basing this on what I've read about him.  Artlady, I would be very discreet if I were you, and only contact my dd when he is not there for the time being.  If you lay low and do not confront or antagonize him, he might chill out some as the child gets older, but my gut feeling is not good about this.  I am very sorry, and we are here for you.