Author Topic: should i talk to dd about concerns ?  (Read 6818 times)

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Offline artlady

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should i talk to dd about concerns ?
« on: February 12, 2012, 04:48:00 PM »
Now to answer this you might have to read post about controlling SIL.  Now I wonder if I should talk to DD about our feelings , that we are always there for her and will be but that if she feels we are not involved as much is because we feel we only need to come visit when called , we don't plan to interrupt their plans at anytime and anytime they want to come home to visit they r always welcome. I know the two of us are so close and we can read each other like a book , in person and on the phone so she already knows there is something not right as she has already asked me but i said not things are fine , She is missing her mom as she wanted to see more of me , so poor thing is texting and emailing me all  the time since the baby's birth 2 weeks ago. I did go spend the day with her last week , I just couldn't bring myself to spend the night as i was afraid I'd cry if he said anything to hurt my feelings to sensitive right now . he was at work except for lunch. I wanted to talk to her last week but she was so tired and the baby has been so fussy with gas so it was not a good time . His tone , words and body language are loud and clear he doesn't want us there  and of course we don't 'talk on the phone when he is home so now with him at work during the day I do hope we can . I want her to know we will always be here for her regardless. I don't know whether to have a heart to heart with her not sure she will discuss it with him as he is not too much on discussing emotions , he puts up a wall and we cant get close ( he use to be warmer prior to the wedding) . I don't want her to worry about us but to enjoy this new bundle of joy as they grow up so fast and we don't want her to miss any of it so rocking the boat is not our goal but hiding things from her is very hard. ( and vice versa) Ok women have at it , you are helping me so much , I can't believe how much better I'm feeling , that sick feeling is getting better. ( it was a good diet though , I lost 5 pounds in 5 days)

Offline luise.volta

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Re: should i talk to dd about concerns ?
« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2012, 06:20:48 PM »
I would continue to say "everything is fine" and to just let you know when she wants help…and...that you want to give them all room…(maybe because you felt the need for it at that stage…or some such?)  Otherwise you may be seen as blaming her DH for the current state of affairs and that could lead to disaster. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline constantmargaret

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Re: should i talk to dd about concerns ?
« Reply #2 on: February 12, 2012, 06:25:59 PM »
Agreed. If I were 2 weeks postpartum, the last thing I would want is a heart to heart about feelings. With anyone. Hard as it is, I would back off. She has her hands full with her new infant and DH. Be supportive and recognize that DD doesn't have the energy right now to expend in a close relationship with anybody except that baby. Let her know you're there if she needs you and try not to take it personally if she doesn't. 

Best wishes, and congratulations on your new sweet grandbaby.

Offline artlady

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Re: should i talk to dd about concerns ?
« Reply #3 on: February 12, 2012, 07:03:56 PM »
I would continue to say "everything is fine" and to just let you know when she wants help…and...that you want to give them all room…(maybe because you felt the need for it at that stage…or some such?)  Otherwise you may be seen as blaming her DH for the current state of affairs and that could lead to disaster. Sending love...
    That is what I was thinking but so many say she would really be upset if she knew we were going to counseling to see how to deal with our feelings of hurt by how he treats us , but then i don't want her to be upset ,worried or concerned about us when she has so much on her plate with a new baby. I just hope I can hide it from her as she is good to see things you think you r hiding .

Offline artlady

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Re: should i talk to dd about concerns ?
« Reply #4 on: February 12, 2012, 07:10:27 PM »
Agreed. If I were 2 weeks postpartum, the last thing I would want is a heart to heart about feelings. With anyone. Hard as it is, I would back off. She has her hands full with her new infant and DH. Be supportive and recognize that DD doesn't have the energy right now to expend in a close relationship with anybody except that baby. Let her know you're there if she needs you and try not to take it personally if she doesn't. 

Best wishes, and congratulations on your new sweet grandbaby.
  Thanks and  I do hope I get to know my new grandbaby, but if the DD still ignores us and acts like he doesn't want us around we might not get to know the baby like we hoped . I know she is doing so much right now and those hormones will be wild for a while , we will have time to discuss things as I know she felt , saw and heard how he acted and things he said in the hospital and I could tell she was trying to buffer or cover it , bless her heart. She should have been enjoying the celebration of the new baby without his arrogant attitude and words. I 'm sure she knows our feelings have been hurt as she sent a text from hospital to ask me if i was ok ?  I just don't' know how long before she approaches it herself .

Offline luise.volta

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Re: should i talk to dd about concerns ?
« Reply #5 on: February 12, 2012, 07:21:40 PM »
Keep trying to remember it is their issue. It isn't about you…it's about their relationship and for them to iron out. Mum's the word!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline artlady

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Re: should i talk to dd about concerns ?
« Reply #6 on: February 12, 2012, 07:30:11 PM »
Keep trying to remember it is their issue. It isn't about you…it's about their relationship and for them to iron out. Mum's the word!
   Oh I know it is I just don't want to see my daughter get hurt or watch her hurt, that is hard and I know there are things that she is not happy about over the time they have been together. That is what is so hard for a mother to watch them struggle .

Offline luise.volta

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Re: should i talk to dd about concerns ?
« Reply #7 on: February 12, 2012, 08:02:20 PM »
My view: It is hard to get that she is an adult and these are her life-lessons. She picked the guy. Getting hurt may be part of what comes of that. We don't want it to be the way it is and feel protective. Being protective is no longer our job. It has to unfold for her while you get that it is her life that is unfolding and not your expectations and/or needs. When my son married a woman that brought him nothing (that I could see) but grief…it was almost impossible for me to detach from it and get that it was theirs to resolve…or not. I had a terrible time but I did it. He figured it out for himself, eventually. How we feel or what we are going through or how we would like it to turn out is not like it was when they were dependent children. They have taken on the adult world and some have to thrash around in it. I was like that (thrashing around) and so were my sons. Hard lessons came our way. Again, I suggest that you let it go. Step back. Focus elsewhere. Your job is done...and my take is that if you try to keep it…it will bring you all grief. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline herbalescapes

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Re: should i talk to dd about concerns ?
« Reply #8 on: February 13, 2012, 05:50:05 AM »
A big THANK YOU for making a post where the SIL not the DIL is the problem. 

I read your other post a few times and I'm confused about what exactly the problem was with the mascots at the wedding, but as was pointed out, that's a done deal, so don't waste any more time over it.

When it comes to the birth of a baby, the only person's whose feelings and wishes matter is the mother's - she's the patient, after all.  If she wants a cast of thousands or no one, not even the dad in the delivery room, so be it.  I told my dh that if he annoyed me too much in the delivery room I'd kick him out.  The couple isn't required to call anyone enroute, either.  Now, the dad can give his opinion on the matters (who's in the room, who gets called and when).  If mom so chooses, she can accommodate the dad's preferences and it's no one's business to complain or hold a grudge.  It's ok to feel hurt or slighted - we can't really control our feelings - but being resentful is a no-no. 

It's possible that your daughter was more than ok with not calling you til after the fact.  Maybe she felt she was becoming a mom herself and needed (excuse this poor pun) had to cut the umbilical cord figuratively before it was done literally.  If you and your dd call/text every day, it's not outrageous that your sil feels put out.  A lot of guys don't understand the intense socializing some mothers and daughters have and feel it threatens their autonomy.  He and your dd are adults and need to make their own decisions.  He may feel that your constant contact influences your dd unduly - whether it does or doesn't, that could be his perception.  Just maybe your dd has played a role in his wanting to keep you at arm's length.  Maybe half her comments are preceeded with "Well, I was talking with my mom and she thinks..."

When I was in the hospital with my last child, the booklet with all the hospital info - discharge info, meal info, getting a birth certificate, etc. - specifically said visitors were nice, but even grandparents and siblings should stay no more than 15 minutes.  There's nothing wrong with a couple wanting a lot of alone time after the birth of a baby.  Your daughter may be uncomfortable telling you to keep a little distance, so she's letting sil take the blame.  I know plenty of DILs who would attest that their own DH's aren't thrilled about spending time with his own FOO, but DIL gets blamed. 

It's only been 2 weeks.  Dont' say anything to your DD.  If she asks for help, give it.  Try to focus on what you do have.  Your GC won't remember who changed the diapers in the first weeks of life.  Plenty of gp (parents, too) form healthy, strong, loving attachments even if they have little or no contact in the first months. 

Given that your SIL has a very different background and temperment, it may be that he views his behavior as loving and warm.  Try to find a way to positively interpret his behavior.  My Dh had a grandmother who had something critical to say about everybody.  I would have felt unloved if I found out she wasn't criticizing me to other family members (she didn't do it to your face).  That's just the way she was. 

Good Luck!

Offline JaneF

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Re: should i talk to dd about concerns ?
« Reply #9 on: February 13, 2012, 06:48:51 AM »
I agree with the others.  I wouldn't utter a peep.  Just let her know if she needs anything she can call you. Period. Blessings to you.  J

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Re: should i talk to dd about concerns ?
« Reply #10 on: February 13, 2012, 07:08:54 AM »
I also agree - there's such a thing as too much information.  It seems that you have a whole big matrix in mind, constructed of what DD may be thinking, what SIL is doing, thinking, how it all came about, where it may go, how it all affects you and your DH and possible futures that may or may not occur.  I think all that's needed is a cheerful helpful mother when her DH is at work.  If you really don't want her to worry about you, don't give her the slightest hint that there is anything to worry about.

You said you wanted to assure her that you would always be there for her.  Is there some reason that she wouldn't think that you would always be there for her?  If my dad said that to me, I would immediately know there was something wrong. 




Offline lancaster lady

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Re: should i talk to dd about concerns ?
« Reply #11 on: February 13, 2012, 07:11:45 AM »
Hello Artlady :

If my DD had just had a baby and was missing me and wanted to see more of me , wild horses
wouldn't stop me from seeing her .
Why can;t you go and help with your new grandbaby ?
Perhaps she's struggling coming to terms with a newborn , it is hard going .
Of course she's wondering where you are ,,, you're her Mom !.
I would go when he's at work , don't mention him full stop .
You are there to support your DD and her baby , their relationship is their problem .
Go and enjoy your new grandbaby .

Offline pam1

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Re: should i talk to dd about concerns ?
« Reply #12 on: February 13, 2012, 07:15:22 AM »
I would continue to say "everything is fine" and to just let you know when she wants help…and...that you want to give them all room…(maybe because you felt the need for it at that stage…or some such?)  Otherwise you may be seen as blaming her DH for the current state of affairs and that could lead to disaster. Sending love...
    That is what I was thinking but so many say she would really be upset if she knew we were going to counseling to see how to deal with our feelings of hurt by how he treats us , but then i don't want her to be upset ,worried or concerned about us when she has so much on her plate with a new baby. I just hope I can hide it from her as she is good to see things you think you r hiding .

artlady, who are these people saying this?  Just curious. 

I like what Doe said, it does seem like you've got a big matrix constructed on how all the players are thinking.  Which is harmful....to you.  At two weeks post partum a heart to heart seems a little much, I'm not sure I'd even hear you properly.  Is there any reason why you think your DD may not feel that she is there for you? 

IMO, stepping back and trying not to apply motivations to everyone and their behaviors will help you a lot. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline artlady

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Re: should i talk to dd about concerns ?
« Reply #13 on: February 13, 2012, 08:00:55 AM »
Agreed. If I were 2 weeks postpartum, the last thing I would want is a heart to heart about feelings. With anyone. Hard as it is, I would back off. She has her hands full with her new infant and DH. Be supportive and recognize that DD doesn't have the energy right now to expend in a close relationship with anybody except that baby. Let her know you're there if she needs you and try not to take it personally if she doesn't. 

Best wishes, and congratulations on your new sweet grandbaby. Oh i do want to support her and be there for her . It hurts when she tells me she didn't know it would be so hard and to see her so tired. She feels she has to do it all and he has to have his sleep so i do hope she can make it through as I dont' feel comfortable spending the night at this time so my day time visits of driving round trip 200 miles will have to do for now. He ignores us .

Offline artlady

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Re: should i talk to dd about concerns ?
« Reply #14 on: February 13, 2012, 08:02:46 AM »
My view: It is hard to get that she is an adult and these are her life-lessons. She picked the guy. Getting hurt may be part of what comes of that. We don't want it to be the way it is and feel protective. Being protective is no longer our job. It has to unfold for her while you get that it is her life that is unfolding and not your expectations and/or needs. When my son married a woman that brought him nothing (that I could see) but grief…it was almost impossible for me to detach from it and get that it was theirs to resolve…or not. I had a terrible time but I did it. He figured it out for himself, eventually. How we feel or what we are going through or how we would like it to turn out is not like it was when they were dependent children. They have taken on the adult world and some have to thrash around in it. I was like that (thrashing around) and so were my sons. Hard lessons came our way. Again, I suggest that you let it go. Step back. Focus elsewhere. Your job is done...and my take is that if you try to keep it…it will bring you all grief. Sending love...
   As the saying goes when they r young they r on your feet and once they grow up they r forever on your heart.   That is sooooooooooo true