Author Topic: Just shut my mouth?  (Read 2798 times)

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Offline constantmargaret

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Just shut my mouth?
« on: February 11, 2012, 04:34:54 PM »
Recently my husband's oldest son got married.  My dilemma is this. I was recently informed by another family member that this girl confided in her that she cannot have children.

Now, I don't know if it's true, because technically it's hearsay. But if it is, I sure feel uncomfortable keeping what I heard from my step-son. My husband feels that it's a non issue and not our place to mention. I will respect his opinion.

I think I'm just touchy because I was cheated on for about a decade. I wish someone would have told me the truth. It stinks to be lied to, and then to make major life decisions based on someone's lies.  I suspect my own baggage is playing a part in this.

Yikes. What would y'all do? Is it ok to just keep my yap shut or should I follow the golden rule and do what I would have done to me? I feel for my hubby's son.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Just shut my mouth?
« Reply #1 on: February 11, 2012, 04:40:43 PM »
My take is I wouldn't intrude on their privacy. You don't know if she has lied or not. Or if he knows or not. Or if it's the truth or not. Your own situation was entirely different...I wouldn't use it as justification to insinuate yourself into their relationship. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline pam1

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Re: Just shut my mouth?
« Reply #2 on: February 11, 2012, 05:03:09 PM »
constant margaret, I would pretend like I never heard that.  Just like Luise said, you don't know if she lied or that her future husband knows or not.  Or whether the family member who told you is lying/exaggerating.

Really, really not a territory anyone should step into.  As a diagnosed infertile woman myself, I can say this is dangerous grounds.  I'm shocked that the family member who told you would betray her confidence (or whatever it actually is that she did tell her.)  Nothing good will come of this.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Doe

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Re: Just shut my mouth?
« Reply #3 on: February 11, 2012, 06:18:46 PM »
I don't see the connection between being infertile and cheating but I agree that this is not public information.  I think if you are concerned for your step-son you should go back to that family member and point out that what she's doing is unkind.

Offline Pen

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Re: Just shut my mouth?
« Reply #4 on: February 11, 2012, 06:21:55 PM »
I agree. There is no way you or your DH will come out looking good. Leave it alone.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline constantmargaret

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Re: Just shut my mouth?
« Reply #5 on: February 11, 2012, 06:37:37 PM »
Doe, I just meant being in the dark, in general. It feels terrible when you find out you've been tricked no matter what the lie is.

It just bothers me to think that she could marry him without disclosing that information. If he knew that (presuming it's true), he might not have chosen to marry her.

I know it's not my place. I just wish I didn't hear it.

Thanks for your input everyone. It's unanimous. I will shut it.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Just shut my mouth?
« Reply #6 on: February 11, 2012, 06:43:01 PM »
Why presume it's true? You don't have a clue. When someone starts to tell me something confidential, I stop them. I just don't go there. It's gossip…and it can be deadly. Granted I have lost some acquaintences that way…but no friends. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline constantmargaret

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Re: Just shut my mouth?
« Reply #7 on: February 11, 2012, 06:52:47 PM »
You're right. I don't know that it's true.  And I'm under no moral obligation to tell anyone what I hear through the grapevine. If it is true, time will tell. 

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Just shut my mouth?
« Reply #8 on: February 11, 2012, 07:00:54 PM »
:)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline pam1

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Re: Just shut my mouth?
« Reply #9 on: February 11, 2012, 08:53:13 PM »
I don't see the connection between being infertile and cheating but I agree that this is not public information. I think if you are concerned for your step-son you should go back to that family member and point out that what she's doing is unkind.

I agree.  If the couple gets any hint that her personal medical information is being discussed or mistorted or outright lied about....well, this will not end well. 

Who was this family member?  Just curious. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline JaneF

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Re: Just shut my mouth?
« Reply #10 on: February 12, 2012, 02:04:38 AM »
I concur!  I would zip my lips if it were me in this posistion!  Not worth getting into a big mess over.  J

Offline artlady

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Re: Just shut my mouth?
« Reply #11 on: February 12, 2012, 06:35:21 AM »
I would not say a word. I"ve got big clips if you need to borrow them.

Offline constantmargaret

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Re: Just shut my mouth?
« Reply #12 on: February 12, 2012, 09:12:30 AM »
I don't want you to get the idea that this family member is some kind of trouble-maker.

SDIL told my son's girlfriend at a party at my house when she had too much to drink. My son's girlfriend is my grandson's mother and my future daughter in law, and I would trust her with my life. I know her to be a very straightforward and drama free person. That's why I believe her.

She has no reason to make that up. She barely even knows this girl. She had simply asked SDIL if she and her husband were planning to have a family soon, and her response was, "Don't tell my husband but I can't have children."

She told me the next day because she was so shocked, and wondered if someone should tell my husband's son. I don't believe she in any way was trying to be unkind, or that there was a spirit of gossip in her telling me. She was genuinely concerned about the fact that this girl was keeping a pretty big secret from her husband. She didn't want to get involved either. I think she passed it on to me hoping I would know how to deal with it.

Regardless, true or not, I'm now feeling much better about it not being my duty to deal with anything, and thank you all for helping me see that.  I can see how my concern would be twisted up and before you know it, I'm public enemy number one and a meddling evil step monster. Yikes. What was I thinking?
 

Offline JaneF

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Re: Just shut my mouth?
« Reply #13 on: February 12, 2012, 11:18:49 AM »
Hate to be put in those predicaments!  I learned the hard way though about stuff like that, so I try to seal my lips as much as possible!  Or did anyway!  lol  I have gotten stronger now so I may just put a few folks in their place that have ticked me off!  Or at least set boundaries anyway.  Sometimes it's hard to know for sure what to do huh?  J

Offline Pooh

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Re: Just shut my mouth?
« Reply #14 on: February 13, 2012, 08:17:19 AM »
My take:  Don't ever tell that family member anything you don't want everyone to know.

Sorry, but if your DIL confided in this person, it's wrong of her to tell anyone.  I wouldn't say a word.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell