Author Topic: In dire need of some advise  (Read 5286 times)

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Deb123

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In dire need of some advise
« on: February 08, 2012, 04:40:33 PM »
I need some input here.  My son is marrying Bridezilla in July2012.  One week I hear that I am NOT invited to the wedding, because my son's ex girlfriend is a friend on my Facebook.  (I don't chat or email her, she is just a farmville friend)  I thought that was somewhat of a lame excuse.  My son said it makes him feel uneasy.  I deleted her off my facebook, and Bam, I'm invited to the wedding, but for only 2 days.  He and his fiance came to see us, and we took them out to dinner.  Everything was fine, except the fiance really didn't speak much to me.  In fact, maybe only one or 2 sentences the whole time.  Then the next day, Bam, I am a liar according to my son, I still had her on my Facebook.( I never added her back, so I am falsely accused).  He and his fiance are done with me and I am not invited to the wedding!  Previous to all of this, my husband and I were never allowed to meet her family.  My son and her have been living together for the past 2 yrs, and apparently her family doesn't know this.  I was informed right after Christmas that her mother is having a shower for her, but I and my mother are NOT invited because they are having it catered and they just can't afford to feed 2 more people.  Here's my question:  What the heck do I do?  I've told her that if I have offended her in any way, I am sorry.  I guess that's not enough?  Do I confront her and ask her what's her problem?  My son is so darned messed up right now, and I agree that he is just as responsible for this high school drama game.  I need some imput here, ladies.................................  Do I crash the wedding, or get drunk that day out in some alley all alone or what?HELP!

Offline luise.volta

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Re: In dire need of some advise
« Reply #1 on: February 08, 2012, 05:14:55 PM »
Well, I think the first thing I would do would be to unfriend the ex-GF on Farmville…and let him know that you were happy to do that. No big deal. Sending love…
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pen

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Re: In dire need of some advise
« Reply #2 on: February 08, 2012, 08:15:01 PM »
Luise, it sounds as if Deb already did that but is now being accused of not having done so? Am I right Deb?

Deb, you are in a very tricky situation. If you speak up about this it may totally backfire on you by getting twisted around to put you in a bad light. If you don't speak up you're setting the tone for how you will be treated from here on. Pick your issues - bridal shower not so important, wedding very important. Perhaps if you calmly & unemotionally explain to DS how much you love him & how he may later regret not having you & DH there he'll come through for you. If not, have a plan B; hit the road for a nice getaway w/DH if that's possible. Oh, and don't pay for anything that's usually considered the "groom" expenses.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope your situation changes, but to be honest it looks like you're in for a rough go. Glad you're here to get support and comfort :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline luise.volta

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Re: In dire need of some advise
« Reply #3 on: February 08, 2012, 08:27:14 PM »
Sorry I missed that. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

jill1963

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Re: In dire need of some advise
« Reply #4 on: February 09, 2012, 01:28:34 AM »
hi Deb123,

i have to agree that your DS ex-GF being a neighbour on Farmville on facebook is a very lame excuse for you not being invited to a wedding.
  It sounds more like his current GF/Fiance is very controlling as are her family, i am not saying you should have to but her family haven't even given you the option of paying for your own places at this shower (although it sounds as if you did go you wouldn't be particularly welcome)  :( .
I think you have been treated appallingly, you should not of had to apologize as you had done nothing wrong!
i do not understand why your DS is like this but when people are "in love" sometimes all reasoning and common sense go out of the window, I understand that his Fiance wants a perfect wedding day but that should include family members from both side of the family, my wedding wasn't perfect and before it i had, had a falling out with my DF but it never crossed my mind not to invite him or any  other members of my family, it wouldn't of been a happy wedding without them.
It sounds as if you need a good talk one on one with your son to get to the bottom of it, would he do that? he owes you that courtesy at least, if you don't know what you are supposed to have done wrong how can you rectify it?

Jillx

Deb123

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Re: In dire need of some advise
« Reply #5 on: February 09, 2012, 04:39:27 AM »
Thanks for all your replies.  I have talked with my son about this the first time it happened, and he said he wanted me at his wedding.  But after 24 hours, the same excuse came onto me that I had not deleted his ex off facebook.  I'm beginning to think that he told his fiance that he wanted me there, and she really is the one who doesn't want me to have anything with my son or the wedding.  It is obvious, since I wasn't invited to the shower.  It does really hurt, he is my only child, and we were so close before this girl dug her claws into him.  I am so undecided as to what to do.  What is it with these girls now days?  They look at the future MIL as if they are some sort of competition!  I was raised to respect others.  Should I lay low for a while or call my son and ask him if he's been pressured to do this to me?  That is what I am beginning to think?

Offline FAFE

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Re: In dire need of some advise
« Reply #6 on: February 09, 2012, 06:04:01 AM »
Sounds like your son needs to grow a pair and tell her up front, if my family is not invited to the wedding, then there's not gonna be one.  Or they will run off and elope and have no family from either side there.  Are you contributing financially to the wedding?  If so, that is totally a no brainer - finacial help stops now. 

Offline jdtm

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Re: In dire need of some advise
« Reply #7 on: February 09, 2012, 06:18:58 AM »
Quote
Should I lay low for a while or call my son and ask him if he's been pressured to do this to me? 

Perhaps a bit of both and neither of both.  By that I mean that I would consider contacting him to tell him that you and his father love him very much and that you will always be there for him.  I'm not sure but it might be wise not to mention the wedding or the fiancee.  This could be your future - you walk on eggs around your son and "pretend" there is no DIL (because it sounds to me as if there will not be a DIL for you).  It is possible a relationship with future grandchildren and your son could depend upon the action you and your husband take re this wedding.

I haven't been in the same situation as you are in presently, although our DIL turned against us shortly (if not immediately) after the wedding day.  She worked hard to get us out of "their lives" (and I am including two grandchildren) and frankly, she succeeded.  However, three years ago (after over a decade of marriage) she left our son and both children and they are now divorced.  Today, we are trying to put the relationship back together - but it will never be what it was or should have been.  I so feel for you - you cannot "win" this; hopefully, you will be able to "survive" this with "some" aspect of a relationship with your son.  This situation can have devastating effects upon the health (mental, physical and emotional) on everyone.  The people here will be able to help you.  So sorry ....

Offline Scoop

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Re: In dire need of some advise
« Reply #8 on: February 09, 2012, 06:48:04 AM »
I think you should talk to your son.  Ask him what you can do to smooth things out between you and DIL.  He is the one who has the key.  He knows and loves both of you.  He knows what her triggers are and he knows what yours are.  So I think you should recruit him to help you out.  If you come to him, open and WANTING a decent relationship with DIL, how can he refuse? 

The thing is, you'll have to listen to what he says and do your best with DIL.  I'm not talking about doing anything you're not comfortable with or bending over backwards.  But it's an easy thing for you to not push her particular buttons, if your DS tells you what they are.

Another thing, for the record saying "I'm sorry if I have offended you in any way." is not really an apology.  It's the word "if" that messes it up.  I think the best thing would be to talk to DS and find out what exactly you did to offend DIL or further the distance between you.  And then apologize for that (if you are sorry).  If she's mad because you're Hispanic, for example, well, you can't really do anything about THAT.

I really think the key point here is that your DS can help you out in this situation.  Tell him that you really want to go to their wedding, because you don't want to start your relationship with them as a married couple like this.

Good luck.

Silver Spring

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Re: In dire need of some advise
« Reply #9 on: February 09, 2012, 07:33:49 AM »
I don't have much in the way of constructive advice, but a simple explanation about the Facebook status could be that Facebook does not keep accurate records of friends. My daughter and I just experimented and she unfriended me to make sure that my privacy settings were in check to prevent an outsider from seeing my photos and vice versa for her. Believe it or not, my friend count hasn't changed, and neither has hers. She is still listed as a friend sometimes and others as not. Since I'm adding her back now that we got our privacy settings straight, I can't say what might happen in a few days time. I thought that information might be relevant to your situation.

Good luck. This isn't your fault, your DIL should just take your word for it, if it had to be asked of you at all (because I don't think it should have been). For the record, it sounds odd that she is that focused on your friend count.  It doesn't seem like a good path she is on.

Offline pam1

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Re: In dire need of some advise
« Reply #10 on: February 09, 2012, 07:34:22 AM »
Welcome Deb123 :)

Please read the Forum Agreement and WWU History, both threads are located in the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.  Glad you found us, I think you'll find a lot of people to relate to here.

The way I read your post is that it has more to do with your son rather than FDIL.  He said *he* was uneasy with you being in contact with his ex-girlfriend.  I know it's easy to put this on FDIL but it really sounds as if this is a Mother/Son issue.  In a lot of our threads here we've come to the conclusion that if the Mother/Son relationship is strained, it is almost impossible for the MIL/DIL relationship to work.

As far as her shower, I think it is rude that she even told you about it.  It's ok not to invite people, it's another thing entirely to rub it in their face.  I'm so sorry you had to be the recipient of that.

Weddings really do bring out some of the worst in people. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Doe

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Re: In dire need of some advise
« Reply #11 on: February 09, 2012, 08:03:16 AM »
Hi Deb-

When my sons first got engaged, I contacted the families of the fdils to introduce myself.  Have you considered calling her mom and suggesting a friendly get together?  Not to rant but to get to know her.  You might get some insight coming at it from that direction.

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: In dire need of some advise
« Reply #12 on: February 09, 2012, 08:24:00 AM »
hello Deb and Welcome ..

July is a 5 months away , so I would back off and let him come looking for you .
Hopefully he will get wedding overload and need some space .
My son was a different person on the run up to his wedding , it's a stressful time .
No excuse for any disrespect though .
Just for  the record Facebook should come with a health warning !
It has caused a lot of trouble with families , mine included !

foofoo

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Re: In dire need of some advise
« Reply #13 on: February 09, 2012, 11:03:21 AM »
This is my take and it may be totally off-base, but I am going to offer it up anyway.  My guess, and it is only a guess, is that your son has complained about things that occurred in his childhood and it has given his fiance a very negative view of his foo.  My basis for suggesting this is that I think this happens very commonly and it is the only logical explanation as to why she would dislike you without even knowing you.  I know things that my DH has told me about his family has made my opinion of his family even more negative than it would otherwise be and has made me even more protective of my children as I do not want them subjected to what my DH has told me he was subjected to.

As such, I would start with your son.  Find out if there is something bothering him about his upbringing.  If there is, try to right whatever wrong he claims exists as this may smooth over the issue with your dil.  She obviously harbors resentment towards you and if you truly have not done anything to her, either she is crazy or your son has made you out to be a jerk. 

Just my two cents.

foofoo

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Re: In dire need of some advise
« Reply #14 on: February 09, 2012, 11:12:31 AM »
One other thing to note, my DH has told me a lot of things that his parents did that I found to be abusive.  I honestly don't think he understands why I am concerned that his parents may be abusive towards our children, because he views what they did as normal.  A part of me thinks that he told me all these things not realize how it would color my opinion of his family.  Sometimes I think he was just venting, but once he told me things, I could just not remember them and not take them into consideration later on.  It may be that your son told his fiance things that he didn't realize how she would view them.  Now, she has this very negative opinion and he may be at total loss as to why.  He may not understand his role in the problem or how she may have taken the things he told her.  Everyone has a very different perspective on appropriate parenting and everyone has a different normal.  If her parents did things differently than you did, she may view your disciplinary methods or child rearing methods with horror, even though others would consider them perfectly normal.   My DH thought nothing of the fact that his mom used to tell him that he was adopted cause he was too dark to be her son.  I found this horrifying.