Author Topic: And somethings from the other side...  (Read 3352 times)

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bettylou

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And somethings from the other side...
« on: April 16, 2010, 03:47:17 PM »
I told you all some the things I had my hand in to cause the alienation and the seperation and I am looking into what I can do next to make it right with my family.  But what I have not shared is some of the things that have caused me to be hurt and sad. 
  My neighbor has her grandkids all the time, both parents work and neighbor who I will call Toni does not drive.  I usually drive Toni anywhere she needs to go, she is a widow and we have been friends for 15 years now.  Toni's grandkids go to same part time daycare as my grandson does.  She asked me if I was going to grandparents day at the day care and I said I was not invited but I would still take her there to see her grandchildren on that day.  When we got there, she told me we should go in togethor and I could ask if I could be included with my gs.  When we went the little ones were in the main room watching a clown with all the grandparents.  I saw my gs sitting on his other grandma's lap.  They saw me but did not say anything, I explained to the director what had happened and asked if I could participate and she told me that I was not on her list and I had to leave.  I sat in the car and cried for two hours while Toni enjoyed her grandchildren and my gs sat with his other grandma.  Why not me?  It hurts alot.  What hurt worse was when my son called me saying I had gotten wind of what the daycare had planned and barged in and that they were all upset with me.  I did not try to hurt or scare anyone.  If it was a parent's day I would never expect any invite I know my place is grandma.  Why cant I be one?



Onlooker

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Re: And somethings from the other side...
« Reply #1 on: April 16, 2010, 05:23:24 PM »
This is just horrible on all sides.

From your point of view, you were blindsided with an event that you would have expected to participate in. I understand that after that, you were probably just walking in a hurt daze.

From their point of view, they made a parenting decision and you took action that, if successful, would have overridden that decision. And the context is daycare, a place where they can't be with their child, where they can't protect him themselves, where they no doubt feel most vulnerable and worried about him. That's very, very scarey for a parent. Don't scare them; don't mess with the safeguards of the daycare.

While I have sympathy for you, I'm afraid that this is an incident that probably contributes to their fears and distrust. No matter how hurt you are, it's _never_ OK to try to override a parent's decision about their minor children. Never. I don't know why they made the decision not to invite you, and I don't know if a neutral party would say that they were right or wrong, but it was a decision that was completely within their rights and discretion.

Your friend should not have encouraged you to come, and you should not have allowed yourself to be persuaded. Yes, I can see the that each step looked small, but by the end you were in the _very_ improper position of trying to have contact with a child that you didn't have permission to contact in that time and place. It's important to make sure that you never, ever put yourself in that position again.

(And, if you haven't seen, I _am_ on your side with the shower and gift thing. For what it's worth.)

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Hope

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Re: And somethings from the other side...
« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2010, 05:47:00 PM »
Bettylou, I feel your pain and my heart breaks for you as if it happened to me.  As much as I feel it would have been much healthier for your gc to have both grandmas included, the decision is not yours and my guess is your ds was not asked his preference.  i work in a school and a grandparent (or anyone but parent/guardian) is not allowed access to a student unless the parent/guardian adds them to their emergency contact form.....and I am speaking anywhere from PS-12th grade.  Sorry that I can't be more positive because I know you would do anything to have a good relationship.
Hugs, Hope

1Glitterati

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Re: And somethings from the other side...
« Reply #3 on: April 16, 2010, 09:14:19 PM »
Bettylou, I feel your pain and my heart breaks for you as if it happened to me.  As much as I feel it would have been much healthier for your gc to have both grandmas included, the decision is not yours and my guess is your ds was not asked his preference.  i work in a school and a grandparent (or anyone but parent/guardian) is not allowed access to a student unless the parent/guardian adds them to their emergency contact form.....and I am speaking anywhere from PS-12th grade.  Sorry that I can't be more positive because I know you would do anything to have a good relationship.
Hugs, Hope
Hope...I work in a school also.  Only those on the emergency contact can pick the kids up...but if someone on that list calls to request information on the child (like say grades) that information isn't given out because the parent didn't release that person to get information.  They only released that person to physically pick up their child in case of an emergency where they can't be reached.

Interesting note---step parents have no right to any information unless it's been specifically designated.  Parents, even in the even of a really acrimonious split, always have access to information (not necessarily pick ups, though) about their child--even over the protests of the other parent---unless a court order is in place preventing it. 

Hope

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Re: And somethings from the other side...
« Reply #4 on: April 16, 2010, 09:20:49 PM »
Thanks for clarifying that, Glitter.  I didn't mean to imply that anyone on the emergency medical form could have access to the student's records. 

1Glitterati

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Re: And somethings from the other side...
« Reply #5 on: April 16, 2010, 09:30:52 PM »
Thanks for clarifying that, Glitter.  I didn't mean to imply that anyone on the emergency medical form could have access to the student's records.

Oh, no, no...I didn't think you were.  I just wanted to point out just how very, very narrow the interpretations are of who can and can't get info on a child have become.   When I was in school basically anyone in your family could go into the school and talk to your teachers and administrators. 

I think it could be very easy for a gp to do something that they think is perfectly okay...because in their day it was...and possibly get themselves in a whole hot mess with their own child and their spouse.

We recently had a case where a gp called in and wanted info about grades, etc.  We couldn't give it out.  We tried explaining why.  GP didn't really understand and called our central office to complain.  Central office notified parents that someone was calling the school asking about their child and did they want to write a note so that person could have information.  It did NOT go over well with the parents.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: And somethings from the other side...
« Reply #6 on: April 18, 2010, 03:09:13 PM »
All of this makes me so sad. It probably isn't about school, but it is being played out there. Favoritism where grandparents are concerned...callous exclusion...thoughtlessness. I call it abuse. What a heartbreaking situation.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

RedRose

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Re: And somethings from the other side...
« Reply #7 on: April 18, 2010, 03:50:19 PM »
bettylou...does your husband ever talk to your son about all these problems that you are having with your dil ?...sometimes...they need to step in


Anna, wouldn't it be nice if your current dil sees how you are treated by fdil and realizes she needs to be more accepting of you?

Offline Pen

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Re: And somethings from the other side...
« Reply #8 on: April 18, 2010, 04:46:10 PM »
Red, that's a good point. I've heard someone on this site say it helped in their situation when DH stepped up and talked to DS. That's not to say it would work in all cases, of course.

Regarding school records, I agree with all the school employees here. It's become very difficult to access info about students and for good reason; there are so many custody disputes and crimes against children that the schools don't want to be involved in. It hurts GPs, for sure, but the big picture must be child safety.

And parents of little ones, don't forget that once they turn 18 you can't access their records, either! I found it ironic that I was paying for DS to go to college (and most of his other expenses as well) but I couldn't see his grades unless he showed me.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

1Glitterati

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Re: And somethings from the other side...
« Reply #9 on: April 18, 2010, 05:06:43 PM »
I had something similar happen to me.  Son & dil didn't invite us to an event at gs school....  But my other son & his soon to be new wife did.  She (fdil) has 2 children in the same school, so she invited me to her childrens (my soon to be step gc), school to participate in this event.  I didn't even know there was an event till my fdil invited us.  Dil (I guess) felt it was none of my business, & that I, as only a grandparent, didn't need to be there.  I was crushed by her decision to exclude me.  Thank goodness fo my fdil !!   :)  P.S.   I am the emergency contact !!

Anna, do you think your son would step up to invite you to things if you told him you'd like to go?  Do you think your dil is specifically telling him you can't be invited?  Or is she just not bringing it up knowing that as a guy (hate to generalize---but it's typically true) he isn't even going to think of it?

I don't invite my inlaws BUT I do remind my husband of the things coming up and tell him to invite his parents if he wants.  Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't.  More often than not, I'd say he doesn't.  If ods says he wants his gp's there, then dh does make sure to let ods call and invite them.  I stay out of it.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: And somethings from the other side...
« Reply #10 on: April 18, 2010, 06:41:34 PM »
I like that, G, passing the responsibility on and letting go of the drama, if at all possible. Then if they are upset, they can call DH on it, not you. Wise.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Carmexx

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Re: And somethings from the other side...
« Reply #11 on: April 19, 2010, 05:52:10 AM »
Glitterati, I know exactly what you mean. Even though my MIL lives with us, there are times when I notice my DH doesn't even think or want to include her in some things or doesn't want to acknowledge certain events. For example, this past Christmas, I bought presents for my side of the family. I asked him if he was planning on buying anything for her, and he said no, that it wasn't a tradition in his family. So I decided to get her something on behalf of both of us so that she wouldn't feel left out in the Christmas exchange.

Even yesterday, we all got home, and it was raining. I had one umbrella and I needed it to take my sleeping son out of the car. My hubby went ahead of me to open the door, and I told him to take an umbrella to his mom so she wouldn't get wet. He said, I'm not taking anything! I told him since he was going back to the car anyway, he should take the umbrella. So he ended up doing it. But sometimes if I don't insist on him doing those kinds of things he won't.

Also, I had mentioned before that we were thinking about putting my son in childcare, and the one who was actually pushing for it was my DH. He was getting annoyed at the way my MIL was acting, and he told me that we should put our son in childcare so that we do not need to depend on her at all (even though we pay her). I was resisting that b/c I didn't want her to feel like she wasn't needed (she and I have talked about this before), so we finally decided to put him in childcare for 2 days a week so that my MIL could spend 2 days with him. Come the summer, though, my son will be going more days, but the point is that it was a push from my husband, not from me.

So it's not always the DIL who is causing these issues (although I know that it is in many of the cases discussed here) so calling DS out might work.

Offline alohomora

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Re: And somethings from the other side...
« Reply #12 on: April 19, 2010, 12:24:14 PM »
If I can offer my two cents..

I think that your son and DIL made an error here - if they know you're around people who also have family that belong to the same school, they could of at least had the curtesy to let you know, from them, about the event and why they asked other GMIL to participate instead. They should have let you know so you wouldn't be blindsided.

On the other hand, while I cannot imagine how painfull that might have been, you should not, under any circumstances, have entered that school and asked to be let in. That's for the parents to decide, and the school was right to ask you to leave. It hurst and it sucks but its the way it is, and if I was you I would apologize to your son and DIL. I wouldn't try and justrify what you did to them, jsut apologize, it won't happen again, you love them and hope you can get beyond this mix-up. Next time it happens, I mean if something like this were to happen again, you should call your son ASAP so he hears from you and that you are sorry for the mishap, so he doesn't get the exagerated, untrue story from a third party ('your crazy mom barged in here and tried to steal your kid from his other grandparent' type nonesense).

Offline luise.volta

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Re: And somethings from the other side...
« Reply #13 on: April 19, 2010, 12:32:28 PM »
OH, I hope that works!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

1Glitterati

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Re: And somethings from the other side...
« Reply #14 on: April 19, 2010, 04:54:31 PM »
When our first gs was born she did not put my parents names in the birth announcement,.  You know why?  Cause her grandparents had already passed, & she didn't think it was fair to their memory to put her hubby's grandparents in.  She could've put both, like & his great grandparents in heaven, or whatever.  I've seen it done.  Was it fair to her hubbys living grandparents to leave their names out?  My parents were very hurt.  They had told their friends that their first great gs birth announcement was going to be in the paper, & then had to answer phone calls from their friends asking where it was.  I try to follow dils thinking, but seem to get lost along the way.

Anna...I don't know if this was her thought...but when we sent out birth announcements only dh's and I's name were on them.  Not our parents, not our grandparents.  I never considered putting anyone's name on the announcements but ours.

We didn't do a thing in the paper...but sent out individual announcements.  Had I done a birth announcement in the paper...only dh's and I's names would have been on that.

Think it's a regional thing or something?  The differences?