Author Topic: forgotton  (Read 5529 times)

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bettylou

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forgotton
« on: April 15, 2010, 11:50:37 AM »
Hello there WiseWomen,
  I wanted to come here and see if the people here understand me and what I am going through because my friends and family do not seem to get it.  I have one son and a teenager daughter.  My son has been married and since then, he has no time or room for me in his life.  It kills me, I dwell on it all the time.  it hurts my feelings to be ignored and unwanted by him.  We were so close until his wife got in the picture.  He dated many women and I got along great with all of them, but this one had it out for me from day one it seems.  Anything I said was later twisted when I was not there to defend myself.  Daughter in law I will call her Jane ok?  even keeps him from his own sister accusing her of being offensive and my husband too.  I just need to solve this problem before the heartache of it all crushes me.  I miss him so much, but I am tired of being accused of being a monster.  Please give me so advice before I sink down more and make things worse.

bettylou

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Re: forgotton
« Reply #1 on: April 15, 2010, 01:51:38 PM »
I never imagined when I rocked my son and told right from wrong that someday he would forget me and leave my life so empty.  Why is this happening to me?  My neighbor has her sons kids all the time, not me.  When my friends invite me to thier kids weddings and baby showers, I cry.  My son is so lost to us it is as if he is in a cult.  Why does my grown son punish us to please his wife?  I aks him that and he tells me because I never listen I never learn what they expect from me.  What about what I expect?  I raised him up and paid for his college what for?  He uses the degree I paid for to support a wife that only works part time and buys her everything.  My son works about sixty hours a week so she can wear the best clothes and make up and she drives around in an Escalade with a tv in it that she claimed she "needed" for the baby.  I am ready to go into the nuthouse over this stuff.  She could not wait to come over here and show us the pictures she took of the two of them in Paris and then showed me all the photos her mom took of grandson while she watched him for a week.  It broke my heart.  I have never had such oppurtunities.  I am going to compile a long list of all the things I have "done wrong"  and post it here and I want you all to tell me the truth, was it wrong?  And how can I fix it now?  Is it too late?  Is my son gone forever?

Offline Pen

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Re: forgotton
« Reply #2 on: April 15, 2010, 02:54:16 PM »
Betty, I can hear the pain you're feeling over this. I'm in a very similar situation, although my DS is still in the "stick up for his family of origin" phase. That may change, and probably will, as time goes on (as you said, it sometimes feels like a cult has taken him.) It's especially hard when I see my friends have great relationships with their sons and their son's families...I wonder what I did wrong or differently or how I could have prevented this from happening?

It's rare that someone will admit it, but I believe there are some DILs who know from the start that they don't want DH's family in their lives. There are also MILs who won't accept any DIL no matter who they are or what they do. These kinds of women (and I know not all MILs or DILs are this way, so don't ding me!) are going to do whatever they can to destroy DH/DS's relationships with FOO/DW. They don't care about the truth or the facts and will come up with excuse after excuse. Not a very good way to show love for the poor guy, is it?

In your case, I believe it's going to take an awakening on the part of DS - he holds the key. If he doesn't stick up for you I don't think there's much you can do. Is his dad in the picture, or a grandfather or even a pastor for whom he has respect? If so, maybe they could talk to him and lead him to a more balanced approach. Please think before you say or do anything that makes it worse. If you don't trust yourself to be calm, take a break and communicate with them some other time. Don't give DS or DIL anything more that can be twisted around.

Thinking of you...I've been there, still am somewhat, with that awful feeling of emptiness that isn't death and isn't just loneliness but it feels like both of those things. Take care.

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

bettylou

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Re: forgotton
« Reply #3 on: April 15, 2010, 03:27:14 PM »
Hubby is the father of my son and my daughter.  He loves son they used to be so very close.  It hurts us all so much but son is only focused on pleasing his wife it is so terribly sad.  My husband has talked to my son about the treatment from his wife to all of us.  My son just continues to say that she needs more time to heal from all the things our family has supposedly done to her and she does not want to share holidays with us because it is so upsetting to her.  Like we are not upset and uncomfortable?   Husband has told son we are his only parents we should be respected and not ignored and left out of everything.  We have to ask and beg for any contact we get. We just want to part of his life too.  We have all said we are sorry to her for anything that has ever offended her majesty but it does no good she said she has heard our apologies but she needs time and space.  It is always the same run around and same excuses too busy not a good time, other family events going on etc.  We are the outcasts.

Offline Pen

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Re: forgotton
« Reply #4 on: April 15, 2010, 04:17:51 PM »
I just posted something under your "grandparents' topic, Betty, that probably would be better over here. Sorry!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

1Glitterati

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Re: forgotton
« Reply #5 on: April 15, 2010, 05:13:23 PM »
Hubby is the father of my son and my daughter.  He loves son they used to be so very close.  It hurts us all so much but son is only focused on pleasing his wife it is so terribly sad.  My husband has talked to my son about the treatment from his wife to all of us.  My son just continues to say that she needs more time to heal from all the things our family has supposedly done to her and she does not want to share holidays with us because it is so upsetting to her.  Like we are not upset and uncomfortable?   Husband has told son we are his only parents we should be respected and not ignored and left out of everything.  We have to ask and beg for any contact we get. We just want to part of his life too.  We have all said we are sorry to her for anything that has ever offended her majesty but it does no good she said she has heard our apologies but she needs time and space.  It is always the same run around and same excuses too busy not a good time, other family events going on etc.  We are the outcasts.

Do you know specifically what she's mad about?  I've never taken the "I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did" or "I'm sorry your feelings are hurt"  as a real apology.  To me a real apology is when a person addresses specifically what they did and says they won't do it again.

Specific apologies tend to be better received...vague apologies and apologizing when it's clear you aren't sure what you did (general you here) or don't really think you did anything but are apologizing to say you apologized don't really work.  It's like you're (general you again) not really apologizing, but just going through the motions because you have to.

I'd also like to ask...how often do you want to see your son and how often do you actually see your son?  Do you expect to see him every weekend, twice a month, once a month...what does that mean to you?  And...do your son and sil know what seeing them more means?

bettylou

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Re: forgotton
« Reply #6 on: April 15, 2010, 06:12:01 PM »
As far as the saying sorry here is the pattern we have all come to dread, we will see my son and daughter in law and grandson, it is very uncomfortable, everyone is on edge, then they leave.  They get home in ten minutes and the phone rings, it is my son with a list of complaints.  I always say I am so sorry I did not mean it like that or if it is about my daughter I say I will talk to her and try to fix it.  I ask if I can speak to daughter in law to say sorry and he says no she is is sleeping or not at home but he will tell her for me.  Then when we next her, I tell her to her face how sorry I am and try to explain that I meant no harm and she says " oh no it is over, I have moved on don't worry about that right now, let's not rehash it."  I can not keep messing up all the time, getting chewed out and then have my apology ignore.  I am tired of it.  My daughter is seriously hurt over all this.  And I seriously feel she uses my daughter in her games for two reasons, one being that is really really hurts me and she knows it and two I think she is or was jelous of the relationship that my son used to have with her and she wants us all to make sure we know she is his number one girl.  I am telling you this game has got me so worn out I never sleep well and even a friend has talked to my son but to no help.  Thank you all for just letting me type it all out.  Thank you for not telling me I am totally wrong and deserve to be treated so badly.  Thank you for making me feel less ashamed and lonely

Offline Pen

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Re: forgotton
« Reply #7 on: April 15, 2010, 06:25:38 PM »
We might not know what it is we've done, which makes it hard to apologize more directly. My DIL won't pinpoint anything - she just doesn't like us and that's that. I really hope that the DILs here understand that not all MILs do something awful to cause these problems. Many of us are honestly baffled by our DIL's complete turnaround either after the wedding or after the birth of a child.

Betty, I am so so sorry about your situation. You don't deserve to be treated like this even if you had made mistakes, and it's so sad that your daughter is affected by this. Many of us here understand; you're not alone. I know that doesn't really help, because having a child turn away from us hurts like he**, but hang in there. Creme and Anna have had some miracles happen, so I have hope for us all.

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cocobars

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Re: forgotton
« Reply #8 on: April 15, 2010, 06:40:24 PM »
Betty, this whole situation has to be so hard to live with and is breaking my heart just to hear this.  It appears to me that you are just living in limbo and wanting to understand something you are not allowed to understand right now.

I would weigh the pro's and con's with this.  Decide what is the most important in your heart.  Your daughter's feelings, I believe can be made sense of.  She's young and really shouldn't start out with an infant.  I am in agreement with this and do not believe I would have had a teenager babysit my infant son or daughter either.  What I am saying, is that your daughter is young and may not understand.  The second options is are your going to honor your son and DIL's marriage and their decisions? 

I believe if it were me, I would do both.  I would have to sit my daughter down and explain the difference between inexperience and experience with regard to the infant child.  Then I would explain the difference between that child at 2 or 4 years old.  Inexperience means different things to me between those ages.  I know this is all heartbreaking for you, but I'm trying to just say slow down and take it all one step at a time.  Help your daughter understand that there is a difference and that your son and DIL are protective of their beautiful life together and that very important life God gave to them.  Someday, if she is patient she may be the "aunt" she is so eager to be.  Sometimes we wait for the things we want. 

I know this wasn't much help, and I hope you will check back later again to see if someone else has a different perspective that I had not thought about.  This is a very hard situation and I sympathise with you so much.  I will keep putting on this "thinking cap" and hope something rings true for you.

In the meantime, you are truly in my thoughts and prayers...

Offline Pen

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Re: forgotton
« Reply #9 on: April 15, 2010, 07:14:49 PM »
I'm repeating myself here, sorry, but it fits. There is a solution to the "teen babysitting dilemma" if all parties are willing to consider it. This is what I did when teens I knew wanted to spend time with my new baby: I set up supervised sitting sessions in my home, saying that I needed to work on some project or another. The teen got practice with baby, I got some help, baby got socialization. As the teen and the baby matured, I might leave them alone to go out and do some yardwork (coming in every 10 or so for some 'reason.') Or I'd let the teen take the baby for a short stroll around the block or whatever.

If I can be real, as the young 'uns say, I think Betty's DIL is yanking some major chain. DS is going along to keep the peace.

What if Betty's DIL acted differently? She'd gain a happy husband who didn't feel like a wuss (my DS & DH wouldn't ever call mom to complain on behalf of DIL - that story kind of shocked me), loving GPs to love and support her kids, and a loving, caring auntie to play with her kids. She is so lucky to have all that close by, but I feel sorry for her that she doesn't want to take advantage of it.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

bettylou

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Re: forgotton
« Reply #10 on: April 15, 2010, 08:02:47 PM »
I am ok with them not letting my daughter watch their child it is is their choice and their child, I know my place but I just wish they did not keep telling her she could do it and then not let her that is the part I am ticked off about. 
  Yes, she is pulling strings that is for sure, and it is my loving son that calls us up everytime they leave here.  I have thought about telling him enough do not call me when you get home, but I am afraid if I do not let her get her digs in to my family I won't see my son and grandson.  So I put up with whatever she says and does to me but it is getting so hard and we never see them enough as it is.
  My daughter is no longer allowed to really play with grandson because my daughter in law tells her, "he is not your toy, put him down, he is fine, he is tired let him be etc."  It really hurts me to see her so shut out from her only nephew.  Since my grandson was born my daughter is never invited over anymore, it is always some excuse "daughter is too loud while grandson sleeps"  "daughter comes over and texts her friends while she is here so what is the point?" "daughter is not helpful to daughter in law".  Now no one wants to go over there and generally we do not.  But if they invite us and we do not all go it is a huge big deal and we are not being nice and once again caused too much pain.  When we do her Daughter in laws family is always there making it a livng hell for us.  We will never ever win

1Glitterati

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Re: forgotton
« Reply #11 on: April 15, 2010, 09:42:27 PM »
I am ok with them not letting my daughter watch their child it is is their choice and their child, I know my place but I just wish they did not keep telling her she could do it and then not let her that is the part I am ticked off about. 
  Yes, she is pulling strings that is for sure, and it is my loving son that calls us up everytime they leave here.  I have thought about telling him enough do not call me when you get home, but I am afraid if I do not let her get her digs in to my family I won't see my son and grandson.  So I put up with whatever she says and does to me but it is getting so hard and we never see them enough as it is.

It's very interesting that your loving son isn't really getting much blame in all this.  In just another post you were saying he was supporting her.  You aren't willing to entertain the possibility that some or even all of what is happening is happening because THEY TOGETHER are deciding it?  And...define enough.  I don't know any people really who want to spend every weekend or every free day with inlaws or even foo.


  My daughter is no longer allowed to really play with grandson because my daughter in law tells her, "he is not your toy, put him down, he is fine, he is tired let him be etc."  It really hurts me to see her so shut out from her only nephew.

I guess this is where I'm so different.  As a dil I wouldn't care if my teen sil felt she were being shut out.

 Since my grandson was born my daughter is never invited over anymore, it is always some excuse "daughter is too loud while grandson sleeps"  "daughter comes over and texts her friends while she is here so what is the point?" "daughter is not helpful to daughter in law". 

I could see myself saying all of those things except the last one if they were true.  I(I don't expect anyone to come to my house to be helpful to me unless I'm paying them to clean my house or something of the like.

Now no one wants to go over there and generally we do not.  But if they invite us and we do not all go it is a huge big deal and we are not being nice and once again caused too much pain.  When we do her Daughter in laws family is always there making it a livng hell for us.  We will never ever win

Well, if you think you'll never win, you certainly won't.  In fact...thinking of it in terms of winning rather than a relationship will pretty much insure things won't get better.

Postscript

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Re: forgotton
« Reply #12 on: April 15, 2010, 09:59:11 PM »
Hi Bettylou and welcome.  I can see you have a big problem there.  Has your dil always been like this, ie before the baby?  Did you have a close relationship with her or was it more a kind of "wow look at the weather today and do you think it will rain tomorrow" kind of thing?  How long have they been together and married?  It might relate to how they view your daughters suitability as a babysitter, if she was still quite young when they got started, perhaps they are making the mistake of still viewing her as young?

Having said that, a teenage babysitter would very much depend on the teen in question.  I take a fairly liberal view in that regard as I did a lot of babysitting as a teenager.

As for your feelings of loss with regard to your son, I wonder if you could expand a little more?  He's working fulltime and she works part time? Did they agree on that together?  I know my husband would have liked for me to work less, but we decided together that we wanted to own our home etc. 

doormat

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Re: forgotton
« Reply #13 on: April 15, 2010, 10:13:14 PM »
Just wanted to second everything glitterati said.

Laila9

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Re: forgotton
« Reply #14 on: April 16, 2010, 12:11:09 AM »
Thirded! I agree completely with Glitterati!