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New here and really needing some advice!

Started by KDurose, January 14, 2012, 07:21:35 am

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Hello Everyone,

I am new here and I'm not sure of all the abbreviations that everyone is using but I will try my very best.

I am 43 years young and my oldest daughter who is 21 is recently married (2nd time) and has 2 children and another one on the way. My oldest GS is 4 and is the product of her first relationship. I have been in my GS life since before he was born. My DD lived with me while finishing HS and until she turned 18. Since she's been in this new relationship (almost 3 years) I have been told twice now that I need to "learn my place" as Grandma.
I truly admit that I am opinionated and I have been known to speak my mind when I disagree with something she is doing with my GK (ages 4 and 1 1/2) She tells me things all the time about how my SIL treats her and my GS, how he is verbally and emotionally abusive to them and I have witnessed his anger first hand (he rammed his shoulder into their wall in front of my GK)  Just last weekend, she was ready to leave him, telling me that she no longer loved him, that she was done. He is controlling and demonstrative, jealous and has a very bad temper (diagnosed PTSD and manic depressive and not on meds or counseling) He takes all her money, she cannot go anywhere with the kids unless HIS sister goes with her, she cannot call me or text me, he threatens to leave her and take their daughter if she will not have "relations" with him (she is 5 months pregnant with 3rd child and works full time) I fear for their safety and she has said that she does too. She stayed away from him for several hours last weekend and then went back to him. She asks for my help and advice and when I give it, she will not listen or do anything about it. She lies to me all the time, about everything...

So, after several times of her doing this...I told her that I no longer wanted to hear how he was treating her or what he was doing or saying to her if she was not going to do anything about it, that all I wanted was to be able to see my GK's.  I was supposed to have my GS overnight this weekend and had some fun things planned to do since I have not seen him for 3 weeks and this is the longest I've gone without seeing him. I was so excited and happy until last night, she texted me and said that for the forseeable future, I will not be allowed to see my GK because they feel that I am a negative influence on them and on her marriag. She stated that until their marriage gets stronger and able to withstand my negativity then it's best that I stay away.

I am so hurt and feel so betrayed by my daughter that I am beside myself with anger and grief. My daughter told me that she would never take my GK's away from me, that whatever happened between her and I, she would never do that to me or the kids (we have a very strong bond) I have not responded to her text message and I'm really not sure what to do, I couldnt sleep last night and feel horrible. Why am I being punished for HER bad marriage? She is not only taking the kids away from me, but my husband, my youngest daughter that still lives at home (she's 15) and also my Mother. We all love those babies so much. Does she not know the damage she's causing?




We hear you loud and clear.  It's an awful situation to be in and a lot of women here have been through similar experiences.  I guess I'm one of the lucky ones since I didn't get to know my grandchild much before my DIL and DS cut me out of their lives. 
There is such turmoil in your daughter's life - stepping back is probably the right action.  She's confused and lying, right? Pregnant and abused. I can't imagine that her choices are going to be rational. 
I know you miss your GK but you will have to respect your daughter's decision - I think she's starving for some respect that life hasn't provided for her.
I think the best thing you can do is be calm and regroup with the rest of your family. Remove yourselves as targets. Your daughter needs some sanity in her life and if your family can stay calm and collected, she might recognize that at some point.
Hang in there..


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Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


I would find and have handy the local Crisis Center phone number. Maybe text it to her when you know dh is at work or typically gone from the house.  It sounds to me like he 'helped' her with the text you received.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do until dd opens up again and lets you in.  But I would send a text and add "with love."


Welcome KD and so sorry you are going through this.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


Thank you everyone for your responses! I have called our local Child protective services and they said that they would not get involved as of right now. I have talked to DD alone and she says that she agrees with me and that she wants to leave him but then the second she is with him again, she turns on me.

I realize that there is nothing I can do and I know that her DH is using the kids to hurt me because he knows how strong of a bond I have with each of them.

I know in my heart that one day and I hope very soon, my DD will come around and will contact me again. My biggest fear is that my oldest GS will think that I no longer love him because I just disappeared. He's only 4 and I truly hope it does not come to that! In the meantime, I'm sending my GK lots of love energy and just praying that they are ok!

I will keep everyone posted and again, Thank you so much!!


KD - It looks like your User Name may be your real name. Please select something else so you can remain anonymous here. Sending love
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama



Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


I don't think a 4yo would come up with the notion that someone who once loved him now doesn't unless someone is making a point of telling him that.
They're pretty much in the moment, at least that's that I recall.  I wouldn't worry about that part.