Author Topic: Ready to open up......but nervous  (Read 1114 times)

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dirtyglassgrl

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Ready to open up......but nervous
« on: April 11, 2010, 08:20:13 PM »
Ok I have been responding to a few posts here and there tonight to kind of test the waters and get myself ready to open up.  I am afraid of being told off but whatever, Im a grown up and I will deal with it.  Here is my story with some background:
  Dh and I are in our thirties and we have been married for five years.  I have two boys from a divorce and me and my DH have a daughter togethor.  DH is in the military and I work full time and have a good education.  We have been estranged from his father and his fathers wife for about three years now, and because of that they have never ever seen my daughter.  Lately DH wonders how his father is and misses him but is afraid to hurt me and our kids by getting things going with that side of the family again.  My children do not want to see that side of the family because during one of the big blow outs with me and his father's wife I told her we did not apreciate some of the things she said about our kids and she said to me" f you, those are not his kids and never will be" and also " I don't care if you do take your kids away from me I can stand your darn kids anyways".  The were conflicts with her and from day one but I mostly held my tongue for the first two years then I started talking to DH about it and we tried to work out only it all just blew up.  Now what?

DDM

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Re: Ready to open up......but nervous
« Reply #1 on: April 12, 2010, 07:57:30 AM »
Your DH sounds like a real 'stand up' guy, who loves his father and wants to protect his family. Maybe his best approach would be one of small steps - a letter or card with pictures of the kids. If the reaction is positive then they could slowly build on their relationship through phone calls, a lunch together and so on. I would wait to get you and the kids involved until and unless DH feels it is safe.  At the end of the day it may not be possible to bring the whole family together because of the wife but hopefully your DH and his father can reconnect - which is better than nothing.

dirtyglassgrl

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Re: Ready to open up......but nervous
« Reply #2 on: April 12, 2010, 11:01:59 AM »
Thank you for your reply.  Here is truely some of the cold hard facts of this situation.  FIL has said repeatedly he will  only work on a relationship with DH if his wife is allowed to be an equal part of it.  I feel that is FIL's problem not ours.  DH does not care to ever see her again but said he would go along with it to please his dad. 
I do not know if I can ever be around her I have such mixed emotions ofcourse I want to make DH happy and for him to have his dad back, but I do not feel it should come at a price of me being exposed to verbal abuse and stupid games.  I am tired of having my religion dragged through the mud, being called vile names, and being treated like a criminal when I have done nothing wrong.  I do not know how to go along with that.  Help me!
The other big problem is this, FIL told DH that they do not care if they ever see my sons again, eventhough my kids used to call him papa and go sit on his lap and love him.  But they said they want a relationship with my dd who is the product of the marriage of DH and I.  I have big problems with this, I do not feel any family should treat stepchildren any differently than bio kids, ever.  You can not call some of my kids names and then try to see the other kid I don't think it should work this way.  I also find it strange that FIL's wife feels so strongly that she should see only DH's bio kid, when she is not even the bio mom of my dh.
So as you can see this is a mess and I really need help.  Is this worth saving at all?  And if so how? How do yu negate years of abuse and lies?

Offline Pen

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Re: Ready to open up......but nervous
« Reply #3 on: April 12, 2010, 04:41:53 PM »
DGG, I'm sorry you have to go through this. It sounds like a real mess, and so hurtful to the children who are being shut out. I hope for the best for you. There are people on this site with clearer heads than mine and more experience with similar situations to yours, and I'm sure you'll hear from them. In the meantime, I'm thinking of you.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Orly

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Re: Ready to open up......but nervous
« Reply #4 on: April 12, 2010, 09:23:33 PM »
IMHO, dirtyglassgirl,
Your in-laws have given you and your husband a deal-breaker ultimatum.  All the children should be treated decently....your older boys should not be excluded in favor of your daughter.  Your Fil and SMIL may not look upon them as being family...but your children know that they are a unit.  What they are proposing is unfair and frankly, despicable.  I couldn't go along with this idea, even if my hubby wanted to inflict this rift on his family.   He can handle his father's temperament,  you (as an adult) can handle the nastiness too.....the children shouldn't have to endure it, period.

This just raises my ire to the boiling point.  Sorry if I step on toes...but I just can't see the point in dealing with them if they are going to act this way.

cremebrulee

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Re: Ready to open up......but nervous
« Reply #5 on: April 13, 2010, 04:10:57 AM »
Quote
dirtyglassgrl
Ok I have been responding to a few posts here and there tonight to kind of test the waters and get myself ready to open up.  I am afraid of being told off but whatever, Im a grown up and I will deal with it.  Here is my story with some background:

Dear dirtyglassgrl...
Hello and Good Morning, and Welcome.
First, and foremost....don't ever be afraid of being told off...it isn't about being told off, however, what it is about, is someone giving you they're opinion...and saying you might be wrong...and that's OK, not any two people are always going to agree...I believe this country has lost the ability to recognize that, and whenever someone disagrees, the person who is being disagreed with, takes it as a personal insult....or as if, they're being told they're whole frame of mind is wrong...meaning, they're entire life's education (but they're wrong in thinking that way)....there is nothing, but nothing wrong with being told your wrong or that you made a mistake...we all make them and we're never right all of the time...we human beings have to get over that. 

If someone disagrees with us, we must say to ourselves, OK, that is they're opinion...and they are entitled to they're opinion...however, I don't agree....they don't know me, they don't know my situation...have you ever heard the phrase, "don't judge until you walk in my shoes?"

It's OK to disagree, I'm certain you and your husband don't always agree, and I hope if hubby doesn't agree with you at times, you don't take it as an insult, or visa versa, but recognize, the fact that it's his opinion he is expressing, as you do yours...doesn't say your right and he is wrong, or visa versa, it is simply how we as human beings think and believe according to how we were raised, trained and conditioned from little on up. 

I wish so much that more American's would realize that, b/c I believe there would be a whole lot less problems as we woman on this web site have experienced.  It depends a great deal on our understanding of that....how we get along with others.  A lot of things that people say, are not meant to hurt us, or contradict us....it is merely they're opinion.  That being said...

Quote
Lately DH wonders how his father is and misses him but is afraid to hurt me and our kids by getting things going with that side of the family again. 


He shouldn't be afraid of hurting you, if you understand that this is his father, and as in most people, we hold strong our family ties...I believe this is where you need to tell him, that whatever he decides, you support his decision, doesn't mean he is right, but it seems to me he wants to try....you need to understand "his need" to have some kind of relationship with his dad, even if he is wrong, you have to allow him his need to try, and if he fails, be there for him, and tell him how sorry you are, maybe given time? 

You or your husband are not being disloyal to each other b/c you both feel differently about a situation...that is such a misconception...while you support him, you don't have to agree with him, and that is something we all have to understand, and comprehend in order to be supportive and allow others close to us to make mistakes, to go forth without us sometime and grow, we must encourage each other as humans to progress, each in his/her own time. 

Your husband must also understand your feelings and need to stay away...b/c of his father's wife.  If your not ready, that's OK...take as much time as  you need, and quite frankly you may never be ready...especially after the woman spoke like that to you and about your kids.  I wouldn't want to be around her....or have my children hear such language and terrible words about them.  So, your husband shouldn't force you to do anything you don't want to do...or visa versa....marriage doesn't mean that your always going to be on the same plain at the same time...or that you should both be joined at the hip...sometimes, it's necessary for your mate to go off and explore they're own paths...to continue they're life's journey...that doesn't mean you agree, however, just as a child, we have to allow our children they're lives, and not smother them, or try to protect them to much, as we learn from trial and error. 

Quote
My children do not want to see that side of the family because during one of the big blow outs with me and his father's wife I told her we did not appreciate some of the things she said about our kids and she said to me" f you, those are not his kids and never will be" and also " I don't care if you do take your kids away from me I can stand your darn kids anyways".  The were conflicts with her and from day one but I mostly held my tongue for the first two years then I started talking to DH about it and we tried to work out only it all just blew up.  Now what?

Take one day at a time...hopefully, when you discuss this issue with hubby, he will understand the children's point of view and yours....I wouldn't subject my children to verbal abuse...and that is what it is. 

Your hubby also has to understand, while he does want a relationship with his father, his father may never meet your husband's expectations...and while your father in law, gave your son an ultimatum, that I believe was terribly unreasonable, given the situation....your husband needs to learn to hold tightly to his personal institutions and not yell as his dad, but tell him, girmly, that no matter what, no one speaks about his children/wife/family like that, which is unacceptable behavior, and he doesn't or won't allow his family to be subjected to that kind of talk around them...and then he should ask his father, "Dad, how would you feel if someone spoke like that in front of mom and me...I know you love this woman, however, she is wrong and you are wrong to compromise your beliefs, virtue and moral obligation to family...Dad, I'm not asking you to choose, or take sides, I'm asking you to do what is right...and it isn't right for anyone to speak like that in front of children....let alone say what she said."  And then say, "Dad, we have to work at this together and if you and she are unwilling, then I don't see how we can work this out...and I would really like to work this out, but its going to take time, and you both have to know, I won't allow anyone to talk like that in front of children or my wife."

And I believe that is what your next step would be...talking to your husband about this....as a matter of fact, you could print this thread up and discuss the situation with him...however, as much as he loves his father, this is not just a matter of of a difference of opinion, this is a matter of verbal abuse...and your husband must realize, there might never be any change, change is a change of attitude and mindset, and two people have to want change for change to happen. 

So, baby steps my friend...one day at a time...I just hope you and your husband are able to discuss this issue without getting offended or overheated...he must understand, it's not a matter of defending anyone, not you, or his mother or father, or children if in his heart he knows they are wrong...he and you must stand your ground and do what is best for your family....so, if he wants a relationship with dad, then he may have to go it alone for awhile until you feel confident, that this woman isn't going to go off on you, him or the children again. 

And by the way, his father sounds very stubborn....and needs to be right at all costs?  If so, then there is no hope...unless his father decides that a relationship with son is more valuable then the need to be right....change doesn't happen unless we humans are able to view our own failures and say to ourselves..."I was and am wrong", and I'm going to change that....and that is what stagnates most relationships, PRIDE, and the inability to say...I was wrong, and I'm sorry.  And it's so easy, yet, some of us find that so hard to do. 

I hope I have helped some...good luck and when you do find yourself in that dark place, please do come in and post...don't be afraid....what is the worst that can happen....someone disagrees with you?  So what?  No biggy....you read what they say, and if they are being unreasonable, your intuition will tell you so...however, if they're right, then chew on it for a few days and think about it, being very honest with yourself...and you'll know if they were justified or not....and if they are not, then ignore them, why is it we humans take such offense to being told we're wrong?  Why is it, we human's huff off like children, b/c someone doesn't agree with us?  Why, can't we understand, that each and every individual, has individual beliefs...and allow others that priviledge, regardless of who they are, we don't own them...we can't make everyone think and feel like we do...and to get upset b/c someone doesn't agree with us, is so silly, when you think about it...on the other hand...fearing being who you are, and speaking your mind, is so wrong....you my dear, are very important, and what you have to say is important...regardless of what other's think and feel, as long as you speak or write, with respect and truth...that's all most people want....so fearing to express yourself b/c someone may tell you off?  Hey, if someone storms in and tells you off, then they are wrong...and they will be showing they're true colors...just b/c your a DIL doesn't make you fair game for verbal abuse and condemnation for all eternity...   ;)

go forward...but don't fear expressing yourself...ever....it's who you are, and that person in you is very significant....we are nothing alone, and every thing together...I don't believe anyone in here would tell you off dear girl....however, at some point, and certainly not this issue, someone may disagree and tell you why, and that's OK, that is the only way we together learn...and grow, and it is very very important in our life's journey to continue to learn and grow until the day we die....we will never know it all....

Hugs and love
Creme

« Last Edit: April 13, 2010, 04:29:36 AM by cremebrulee »

dirtyglassgrl

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Re: Ready to open up......but nervous
« Reply #6 on: April 13, 2010, 01:19:17 PM »
Thank you so much for your kind words you made me smile.  I will take them all in for a while and stop and think on them before I respond or talk to dh.  Thank you