Author Topic: Respect  (Read 1918 times)

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DDM

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Respect
« on: April 09, 2010, 09:54:21 AM »
I'm new here and have been reading through a lot of older posts trying to catch up. I have noticed many of the issues discussed have seem to come down to feelings of not being respected. I have always had a problem with the idea that respect is something you earn. I actually believe respect is something we should afford everyone and is not something you have to earned but is something you can lose. 

2chickiebaby

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Re: Respect
« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2010, 10:09:35 AM »
I'm new here and have been reading through a lot of older posts trying to catch up. I have noticed many of the issues discussed have seem to come down to feelings of not being respected. I have always had a problem with the idea that respect is something you earn. I actually believe respect is something we should afford everyone and is not something you have to earned but is something you can lose.

I guess it is, DDM....I don't know what it is except it is reserved for the Mother of the son.  All is well until the DIL comes
into the picture.  Or, was all not well?  I keep searching my brain to find some shread of evidence of something that went
wrong here.  It's the unanswerable question. 

I guess we're just different but it seems to be a battle of wills.  I never wanted a contest but that's what this is.  I wanted
a family.  I can't understand why I couldn't have a family. 

willingtohelp

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Re: Respect
« Reply #2 on: April 09, 2010, 11:09:14 AM »
I think you should afford everyone courtesy, but respect is earned.  I will be polite to anyone (in fact, part of my training has been in how to be polite to people who aren't being polite at all.).  I will say please and thank you, yes sir and no sir, speak when spoken to, and not speak if I can't say anything nice.  I don't think that's respect.  Respect, to me, means I hold their opinion of me in high esteem and work to make sure they aren't  disappointed.  For me to respect someone, they have to do the following: 1.  show me that they have an expertise in the area I'm respecting them in.  Example: I said before my dad's a chef.  i completely respect his opinion on cooking.  He knows very little about cars.  If he tells me I need my timing belt replaced and my mechanic says it's the water pump, I'm going with the mechanic.   2.  show me that they aren't impossible to please.  Even if I will respect your opinion and try to make you happy, if it is impossible to make you happy and maintain my sanity, I will stop trying to make you happy instead of killing myself to do so.  For example. if you would be disappointed if I didn't come to 4th of July each year, I can probably make that happen most years.  If you're disappointed because you don't get called every day and visited every weekend, etc, I'm just going to stop caring about your opinion of me.  I will feel your criteria to feel respected are more than I can give you and lose respect for someone who makes their standards unattainable.   3.  Don't violate the "unbreakable" rules.  I think everyone has these types of rules.  If you do x or y, you just can't respect a person no matter what type of expertise they have.  For me, if you insult someone's race, gender, economic status, or handicap, I will not respect you.  I just can't.  If Einstein gave me his opinion on relativity but cursed like a sailor doing it, I would find it really hard to respect it.  It's not that someone can't overcome this, but they're going to have a higher standard than someone who didn't do these things. 

I also think that given the different definitions of respect, you can't argue that everyone should have it.  If the definition starts to include things like attending events and calling however often, then you just can't extend that to everyone.  Which brings us back to the question of what is respect.

Offline Pen

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Re: Respect
« Reply #3 on: April 09, 2010, 11:30:06 AM »
If the expectations are unreal, how can we ever earn respect? Who decides what's worthy and what's not? I thought our DIL would respect us for providing an education for DS at great personal sacrifice; raising a disabled child; providing both of our children with experiences and intellectual challenges; working hard at jobs and a business to provide for our family; raising a great kid who is worthy of DIL. Apparently that isn't enough because she has a different paradigm. We can't win.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cremebrulee

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Re: Respect
« Reply #4 on: April 09, 2010, 11:52:02 AM »
When I first meet someone, most certainly they are welcome...here is an example and it may be small, however, it bothered me and I no longer care if I see this person ever again.

My sister and her husband have this friend who is alone for the holidays...so, I told her to invite him for Christmas dinner at my home....so he came, and all went well, until after the dinner....it was a warm day, the fireplace was on, and so I sat down and opened the patio door to get some fresh air....well, he said in front of everyone, "YOUR WASTING HEAT!" in a very condiscending way.....then he asked me for a tour of my new home....he says, "it's awful big for one person isn't it?"  "How much do you pay for heat?"  I looked at him and didn't answer.  When we went into the master bath, he looked at the jacuzzi tube and said, "OHHHHH BOY, I bet that takes a lot of waste in water and heating bills to fill up?". 

That was it for me, I told my sister, he was rude and his comments were not funny to me....and I would never invite him to another dinner.  He was not welcome in my home again.  She tried to make excuses for him....I'm sorry, he was a guest in my home, and had no place saying what he said....and I guess I'm being to picky....but I just don't like it when someone is so out spoken, and this was the first time he visited my home, what would he say after knowing you for some time?

so, what I'm saying is, I do kinda lay back and observe before I make friends...hence, my comment on respect has to be earned....?  Maybe I'm wrong for feeling that way....however, I want to know if that person and I have anything in common, or if they respect themselves, b/c if they don't, they won't respect me.




2chickiebaby

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Re: Respect
« Reply #5 on: April 09, 2010, 02:58:49 PM »
Creme,
That was the rudest thing what your sister's husband said to you about your house.  Very rude and I will tell you that
I could hear jealousy in every word.  I don't know why but words spoken like that are easy to see through for me.

I don't blame you for being upset at him and I'll bet your sister is humiliated.  There are lots of people like that in the
world, you never know what is going to set them off.  Just know it was said with jealousy in his heart.

RedRose

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Re: Respect
« Reply #6 on: April 10, 2010, 07:48:12 PM »
Respect means to treat others the way you want to be treated....kind and with compassion.
You loose respect for others when they treat you badly.
If you want that respect back...you have to earn it...show them that you care.

Well....that's my opinion

cremebrulee

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Re: Respect
« Reply #7 on: April 11, 2010, 09:43:06 AM »
Creme,
That was the rudest thing what your sister's husband said to you about your house.  Very rude and I will tell you that
I could hear jealousy in every word.  I don't know why but words spoken like that are easy to see through for me.

I don't blame you for being upset at him and I'll bet your sister is humiliated.  There are lots of people like that in the
world, you never know what is going to set them off.  Just know it was said with jealousy in his heart.

Hi Chickie....it wasn't my sister's husband, it was they're friend....who was invited for Christmas dinner, and it was the very first time he was a guest in my  home????  First time I ever met him????  I can't imagine being that rude, can you?

My sister isn't humiliated, she kept making excuses for him, and I told her, I don't care, that is the last invitation he'll get from me...

But yeah, my sister condoned his actions??? Course, she picks the most peculiar people for friends...my brother and other sister always comment on my older sister's circle of friends...even at work, all her friends are the most rudest aloof people?  I love my older sister, however, she can really be rude herself...we all kinda see as little of her as possible...
« Last Edit: April 11, 2010, 09:46:20 AM by cremebrulee »

cremebrulee

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Re: Respect
« Reply #8 on: April 11, 2010, 09:53:59 AM »
respect to me, as in any relationship, not just family, is...
Not insulting people or make fun of them, value the opinions of others...listen to them, I mean really listen...don't pressure someone to do something they don't want or like to do...always remember, when visiting someone else's home, we are a guest....no matter who they are...we are a guest...show a matter of privacy for others, respect they're needs to be alone...

2chickiebaby

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Re: Respect
« Reply #9 on: April 11, 2010, 10:34:03 AM »
Creme,
That was the rudest thing what your sister's husband said to you about your house.  Very rude and I will tell you that
I could hear jealousy in every word.  I don't know why but words spoken like that are easy to see through for me.

I don't blame you for being upset at him and I'll bet your sister is humiliated.  There are lots of people like that in the
world, you never know what is going to set them off.  Just know it was said with jealousy in his heart.

Hi Chickie....it wasn't my sister's husband, it was they're friend....who was invited for Christmas dinner, and it was the very first time he was a guest in my  home????  First time I ever met him????  I can't imagine being that rude, can you?

My sister isn't humiliated, she kept making excuses for him, and I told her, I don't care, that is the last invitation he'll get from me...

But yeah, my sister condoned his actions??? Course, she picks the most peculiar people for friends...my brother and other sister always comment on my older sister's circle of friends...even at work, all her friends are the most rudest aloof people?  I love my older sister, however, she can really be rude herself...we all kinda see as little of her as possible...

I know what you mean, Creme....for me, somehow really strange people are attracted to me.  I always think they're just
great and then, for no reason at all, I find out they're really nuts.   My poor husband says to me:  "Chickie" (not my real name),
please, please, I am begging you, do not make eye contact with *******.  She is nuts."

Well, don't you know, ****** comes up to me and starts a conversation and seems just darling and I tell my husband, "look
at how darling ****** is!"

  Time goes by and boom! 
for no reason, she goes coo coo. 

dirtyglassgrl

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Re: Respect
« Reply #10 on: April 11, 2010, 07:28:27 PM »
I agree with the poster that said respect is treating others like you would like to be treated.  I also believe that respect should be given away not earned not based on age or experience or status or money, but because we are human beings.  I am person too and I would like to have a relationship with my inlaws that does not involve the following disrespectful behaviour: lying about me and my background, supposing I am doing things that I am not and spreading it to others, criticizing my religous beliefs and making fun of my practices, calling me names that hurt me, calling my children names and telling dh it is me and the kids or them.  Those episodes were my enough and they still hurt alot.  I have told dh that he can go see them all he likes but right now unless I make a change inside me or they make a big change in themselves I can not go there.  We also do not know how to handle another personal issue with them that I will talk about in another post.

Hope

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Re: Respect
« Reply #11 on: April 11, 2010, 07:51:46 PM »
I have really enjoyed reading what respect means to them.  I have been thinking a lot about respect lately b/c there is such a lack of it coming our way from ds and dil.  I agree with the statement that you should treat others as you would want to be treated.  I think short of being an abusive or neglectful parent, you have already earned respect for all you have done for your children growing up.  As far as dil/sil's, I think they should respect you because you raised the person they chose as a soulmate - you must have done something right for them to have found such redeeming qualities in the person you raised. 
That's my take on it.  Hope

2chickiebaby

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Re: Respect
« Reply #12 on: April 11, 2010, 08:02:28 PM »
I have really enjoyed reading what respect means to them.  I have been thinking a lot about respect lately b/c there is such a lack of it coming our way from ds and dil.  I agree with the statement that you should treat others as you would want to be treated.  I think short of being an abusive or neglectful parent, you have already earned respect for all you have done for your children growing up.  As far as dil/sil's, I think they should respect you because you raised the person they chose as a soulmate - you must have done something right for them to have found such redeeming qualities in the person you raised. 
That's my take on it.  Hope

Hope, I'm just getting so weary of trying to explain what we feel.  There are so many things I'm sure we did wrong but
nothing is worth just throwing us away.  Treating us in a rude way is not right.  It hurts me to think this is really
happening.  We raised great kids. They did choose very controlling wives.  That's the end of that story. We did something
wrong for that to happen. Shouldn't marriage be a give and take?

Hope

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Re: Respect
« Reply #13 on: April 11, 2010, 08:09:24 PM »
I'm feeling your pain, CB.  I'm struggling with this myself.  I feel soooooo disrespected and I've never done or said anything in anger or meanness to my ds/dil.  I'll be the first to admit that some of the things I say or write are interpretted differently than what I mean.  Who is perfect among us or our dil's?  If dil's mother said or wrote the same things that I say (that are taken the wrong way), there would be no problem.  However, I've never been told I said or wrote anything that was offensive.  I'm just guessing I must have done something that made them think I am deserving of being tossed aside.  I'm hurting too - I know what you mean.  It just isn't right.  Hugs, Hope

2chickiebaby

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Re: Respect
« Reply #14 on: April 11, 2010, 08:15:33 PM »
I'm feeling your pain, CB.  I'm struggling with this myself.  I feel soooooo disrespected and I've never done or said anything in anger or meanness to my ds/dil.  I'll be the first to admit that some of the things I say or write are interpretted differently than what I mean.  Who is perfect among us or our dil's?  If dil's mother said or wrote the same things that I say (that are taken the wrong way), there would be no problem.  However, I've never been told I said or wrote anything that was offensive.  I'm just guessing I must have done something that made them think I am deserving of being tossed aside.  I'm hurting too - I know what you mean.  It just isn't right.  Hugs, Hope

It's the worst thing I've been through....I hope the DILs don't have this but they probably will.. They think by treating
the wives great it will help.  It won't.  Some it might but most it won't.  This is when we should have had only daughters.  You can have it out with the daughters and nothing is over.  You can't do that with sons.  Have to lump it for the DIL.  Keep your
mouth shut at all times. It's tedious and too hard for me.