Author Topic: when is it ok?  (Read 10126 times)

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willingtohelp

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when is it ok?
« on: April 07, 2010, 09:34:02 AM »
Chickie's post got me thinking....when is it ok to say enough?

She said her friend was cut off for the silliest little reason.  Which reasons are OK and which ones are silly?  I think most of us would agree cutting off someone who is physically or sexually abusive is ok.  What about verbally?  And when does it go from "lost their temper" to "verbally abusive"? 

While you all have been so accepting, I am "one of those girls".  My DH and I haven't seen his parents in 2 1/2 years.  And I wonder if our reasons would be considered valid or silly.  And if it's hurting her son and DIL so much, is the reason really silly?  I'm just interested in getting your perspective on the whole thing. 

doormat

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Re: when is it ok?
« Reply #1 on: April 07, 2010, 10:13:28 AM »
They believe that you HAVE to take whatever they dish out because "blood is thicker than water".

PFFFTTT!!!  My answer is:  "Actually.....I don't".

I've cut off family members as well as inlaws in the past, and before I've done so I've asked myself "Would I associate with this person if there wasn't a DNA connection?"  If the answer is "no", then no more needs to be said. 

Unfortunately, a lot of people don't treat family with the same respect that they give to random strangers.  And that is totally messed up.

Offline Barbie

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Re: when is it ok?
« Reply #2 on: April 07, 2010, 10:37:40 AM »
Well, I grew up with the concept that parents are sacred, unless of course they did something REALLY bad. We owe our parents our life and we owe them respect and we are the ones that need to conform to them and not viceversa. I realize in today's world everyone is considered equal, there's no respect for the elderly and this is very hard for me to accept.

2chickiebaby

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Re: when is it ok?
« Reply #3 on: April 07, 2010, 10:42:29 AM »
They believe that you HAVE to take whatever they dish out because "blood is thicker than water".

PFFFTTT!!!  My answer is:  "Actually.....I don't".

I've cut off family members as well as inlaws in the past, and before I've done so I've asked myself "Would I associate with this person if there wasn't a DNA connection?"  If the answer is "no", then no more needs to be said. 

Unfortunately, a lot of people don't treat family with the same respect that they give to random strangers.  And that is totally messed up.

Yes, Doormat, we do have to take whatever is dished out.  We have to, not because we want to but because we want
to keep in contact with our "blood relative son"  Yes, blood is pretty thick and it is indeed thicker than water but when
you've had enough, I guess you do have to go where the DILs have already been and that's to get a swig of that tasty
Boundaries book.  Since the DILs wrote it, I guess they have a leg up on us.  We're like Freshman and here they are
with their Master's Degree. 

Hell, I think I'll get my PHD in the thing so I can do battle on their turf.  I'm so sick and tired of this whole thing....trying to defend
a Mother's heart....it's ridiculous.  It's time for the gloves to come off and for his parents to be shown some respect just for being his parents.  If you've got a good husband thank his parents.  (like if you speak English, thank a teacher?)  Same thing, just
a higher calling. 


cocobars

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Re: when is it ok?
« Reply #4 on: April 07, 2010, 10:57:11 AM »
Clover, this really is a great post!  One that I believe will make everyone think.  I really have cut off family before.  Without getting too much into the story, my children were being abused.  Don't get me wrong, I believe a slap on the bottom once in a while brought them to their best senses and at the same time I have to say that my pop on their bottoms was more of a brush than a slap or a beating.  When I cut off some family members they were watching my kids while I worked (my late 20's, I'm 55 now).  I went to pick up my children one day, and had given plenty of warning before that about what I felt was abuse, my daughter was sitting in a chair and my son wasn't ready to go.  His jacket (which I washed the night before was being washed).  I asked why his jacket had to be washed again and was told that he had gotten a bloody nose.  On the way home in the car my daughter told me they lied to me.  She said the family member was on top of him beating him for something he said, and was sitting on top of him, beating him until he bled.  I called in personal leave when I got home and called the family member, telling them they were no longer welcome to watch - or see my children, and they didn't for a few years.  When I did finally take my children over again, they were not left alone with them.  The family member had denied the whold experience.  My children thought if they told me, they would get in trouble!

I already have another unpopular view on another thread but I guess I'm going to do it again...   I have to agree with doormat.  Relationships are two way streets whether you are biologically connected or not and sometimes your family will expect you to take anything they have to dish in your direction.  Whether it be toward the children, parents or IL's.  I do feel there are always going to be very good reasons for saying enough.  If I had the chance to go back and change my decision, I wouldn't.  If and/or when it comes to abuse, whether physical or verbal, I believe I'm the parent and have the right to say enough, just like I do for myself, and I believe sometimes that is the healthiest decision we can make...




doormat

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Re: when is it ok?
« Reply #5 on: April 07, 2010, 02:12:39 PM »
EXACTLY Coco!  Stick with people who treat you with dignity and respect and ditch the rest as best you can, whether they're related or not.   Or at least, for self preservation purposes, greatly reduce your exposure to them.   My DH recently cut off contact with his uncle and his family (I stopped seeing them years ago) b/c all they ever did was break other people's stuff, ask for money, and demand free stuff.  You think I need people like that in my life just b/c my DH happens to be related to them?  Not likely.

Postscript

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Re: when is it ok?
« Reply #6 on: April 07, 2010, 06:01:25 PM »
Personally I don't think an inlaw relationship is any different to any relationship in our lives.  If you are empowered and strong you know how you should be treated.  Asking someone to suck it up and put up with someone because "that's just the way she is" is no different from telling a wife she should stay with a husband who abuses her.  Who among us would suggest that?

My answer to that's just the way she is, is that this is the way I am, I don't believe I deserve to be belittled and bullied, so I won't!  I wouldn't care if it was my mother in law or my son doing it.  Blood has nothing to do with it.

Orly

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Re: when is it ok?
« Reply #7 on: April 07, 2010, 06:18:39 PM »
After my mother passed away I cut my abusive Step-father off, completely.  After years of him trying to sequester my mom away from her family, being mean and nasty to her grandchildren, and finally raising a fist to me one week after her passing.....he was gone from my life.  I'm not sorry I did this action, nor am I concerned for his well-being or mental health....I'm just done with him. 

Getting feedback from my step-sibs about how cruel I am not to keep him in the style to which he was accustomed to live...and hearing what a terrible person I was to NOT feed  and nurture their father...I cut them out of the loop too.

For my sanity, I had to resort to this action.   I had reached the "Enough" point.

cocobars

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Re: when is it ok?
« Reply #8 on: April 07, 2010, 06:29:53 PM »
I'm not here to make people mad, really I'm not, but I do agree as far as relationships go.  Whether they be family, IL's or friends, there is a certain amount of give and take in any relationship.  I can see tolerating some things and accepting that someone else is human, as long as I know that person is also tolerant of me and my humaness.  However there are just some things that cross lines.  In your original post Clover you accepted abuse, but I also believe if you are in a relationship with anyone who chips away at your dignity, then after awhile, that may be reason to set some boundaries. 

Renny had a problem with her inlaws bullying her and finally stopped going to family functions (and after a threat to push her down a flight of stairs, which I think is abusive).  I believe ther are valid reasons for staying away from these relationships. 

All of our relationships are as important as we want them to be, and usually the abuse can be stopped.  In my case, it took years to get the message across.  It was important enough to me to wait.  I don't believe that was from a need to be right or from stubborness.  I feel I did that for the protection of my children.  I would also do it for my own protection, the protection of my parents, or anyone else who may be faced with these things. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are always going to be reasons for having boundaries, and I believe that having them is sometimes the healthiest thing for everyone.  I also believe each situation is different, but sometimes if someone I know is overbearing then it does create a desire in me, not to see them if I don't believe I deserve that.  Maybe we shouldn't address boundaries, but dignity and respect...

There is just so much involved when these decisions are made...

cocobars

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Re: when is it ok?
« Reply #9 on: April 07, 2010, 06:33:47 PM »
After my mother passed away I cut my abusive Step-father off, completely.  After years of him trying to sequester my mom away from her family, being mean and nasty to her grandchildren, and finally raising a fist to me one week after her passing.....he was gone from my life.  I'm not sorry I did this action, nor am I concerned for his well-being or mental health....I'm just done with him. 

Getting feedback from my step-sibs about how cruel I am not to keep him in the style to which he was accustomed to live...and hearing what a terrible person I was to NOT feed  and nurture their father...I cut them out of the loop too.

For my sanity, I had to resort to this action.   I had reached the "Enough" point.
Exactly.  I believe we all have an "enough" that can finally be reached.  We may try to bend, but I believe there are times that if we do not say "enough," we will break, and that may be different for each person..

willingtohelp

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Re: when is it ok?
« Reply #10 on: April 07, 2010, 07:58:22 PM »
Coco, you put it beautifully.  Sometimes it's obvious (eg Renny and the threat of serious bodily harm).  Other times it's more of a death by a million paper cuts.  It's just one of those things that you can't always explain but you just know.  You try different things to make it work and finally you just get so beaten down you have to say enough. 

Hope

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Re: when is it ok?
« Reply #11 on: April 07, 2010, 08:20:14 PM »
I'm not here to make people mad, really I'm not, but I do agree as far as relationships go.  Whether they be family, IL's or friends, there is a certain amount of give and take in any relationship.  I can see tolerating some things and accepting that someone else is human, as long as I know that person is also tolerant of me and my humaness.  However there are just some things that cross lines.  In your original post Clover you accepted abuse, but I also believe if you are in a relationship with anyone who chips away at your dignity, then after awhile, that may be reason to set some boundaries. 

Renny had a problem with her inlaws bullying her and finally stopped going to family functions (and after a threat to push her down a flight of stairs, which I think is abusive).  I believe ther are valid reasons for staying away from these relationships. 

All of our relationships are as important as we want them to be, and usually the abuse can be stopped.  In my case, it took years to get the message across.  It was important enough to me to wait.  I don't believe that was from a need to be right or from stubborness.  I feel I did that for the protection of my children.  I would also do it for my own protection, the protection of my parents, or anyone else who may be faced with these things. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are always going to be reasons for having boundaries, and I believe that having them is sometimes the healthiest thing for everyone.  I also believe each situation is different, but sometimes if someone I know is overbearing then it does create a desire in me, not to see them if I don't believe I deserve that.  Maybe we shouldn't address boundaries, but dignity and respect...

There is just so much involved when these decisions are made...

Coco,
I'm so sorry to hear that someone hurt your dc.  Beating a child?  How horrible!  I'm so happy you set some boundaries and kept your dc away from the abuser once you knew.  And I'm proud of your daughter for speaking up when it happened.  You're a wonderful mom and grandma. 
Sending love and hugs,
Hope

cocobars

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Re: when is it ok?
« Reply #12 on: April 08, 2010, 05:38:48 AM »
Thank you so much Hope.  I've had such negative responses to some of my posts, that I believed this would be another one.  I'm pleasantly surprised.  I may not go along with the crowd here and am not for everyone, but I will be honest.

And I appreciate your love and support so much!  Thanks for the hugs too!  I felt them.. :)

RedRose

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Re: when is it ok?
« Reply #13 on: April 08, 2010, 07:15:38 AM »
Chickie's post got me thinking....when is it ok to say enough?

She said her friend was cut off for the silliest little reason.  Which reasons are OK and which ones are silly?  I think most of us would agree cutting off someone who is physically or sexually abusive is ok.  What about verbally?  And when does it go from "lost their temper" to "verbally abusive"? 

While you all have been so accepting, I am "one of those girls".  My DH and I haven't seen his parents in 2 1/2 years.  And I wonder if our reasons would be considered valid or silly.  And if it's hurting her son and DIL so much, is the reason really silly?  I'm just interested in getting your perspective on the whole thing.

I think cutting off (mil or dil) someone who is physically or sexually abusive is apparent.

Someone that is verbally abusive is this way all the time. Nothing good ever comes out of that persons mouth about you. That person finds fault in everything you do and say and verbalizes it everytime she or he sees you. I would not ever want to be around this person either.

I think a person who has "lost their temper" deserves a chance. There is usually a reason and maybe it can be solved by discussing it.  If you can't get past the hurt to even talk then maybe you'll never get a second chance. It only gets harder to talk about with age...and longer to get over the hurt...

Just my opinion....

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Re: when is it ok?
« Reply #14 on: April 08, 2010, 12:55:06 PM »
I agree with Chickie. My DIL is very rude and critical; she hates who we are and is looking for any excuse to cut us off. Although I would never take this treatment from anyone else, blood or no, I suck it up for DS's sake. We want contact with him, so we put up with her.

MILs are in a different position than DILs. If a DIL walks away from an abusive MIL, the DIL hasn't lost anything. She still has her DH, her DC, her FOO. If a MIL walks away from an abusive DIL, she loses DS and DGC. Quite often she's also blamed for the family losing DS, so she has to deal with the anger of her DH & other DC as well. It's quite devastating and life altering, whether you go or stay.

I think we need to really be honest about our feelings towards ILs and others...are these people mildly annoying and awkward or is continued contact with them really dangerous? Or something in between? If one is ever in physical danger, as in "I'd like to push you down the stairs," it's definitely time to go. If it's just that your MIL doesn't bake as well as your mom, or enjoys climbing a mountain more than going to the mall, that's silly.

An occasional breach of good behavior should also be overlooked and forgiven, as RedRose said. But, people who are looking for any excuse to be rid of someone will use this against them.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb