Author Topic: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?  (Read 3103 times)

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blau10

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Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
« on: April 06, 2010, 01:58:34 PM »
Have you ever apologized just to keep peace? 

My DIL did not show up at our Easter brunch because I won't apologize to her because (her words) ‘she felt inadequate as a mother’ when I was playing with my 15 month old GD at my step GS's basketball game 2 months ago.  She also wouldn't let (the same) 10 year old son come to the brunch and told my DS that she didn't want my GD to ever see me again.  For the first time my son defied her and brought my GD to the brunch with me and my father (the only relatives my DS has locally) and the first time I have seen my DS and GD since that basketball game.

I don't understand what she has against me, as before her pregnancy with my GD she was friendly with me and allowed me to do anything with her son. Now I'm not suppose to be his GM (I have been his GM since he was 15 months old) and we have bonded over the years. I am also not allowed to attend his little league games either because she doesn’t want me seeing my GD.  I’m afraid she will pull a scene if I show up.

I am at a loss and I refuse to apologize for such an idiotic reason…esp since this is the third time she thinks I owe her an apology for something so lame.  For my DS’s sake I made up to her twice before.  Now I feel she owes me the apology for (meanly) coming between me and my DS and GD.

2chickiebaby

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Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
« Reply #1 on: April 06, 2010, 02:57:00 PM »
Hello Blau,
Welcome to our world....most of us have apologized, agonized, had anxiety out the wazoo and basically have gone nuts
just trying to figure out how to "be" in the middle of H.E.Double Toothpicks.  We were fine and dandy before DIL but
an absolute pariah after DIL.

See, there is: BDIL and ADIL.  Just like BC and AD.   BDIL, most things are wonderful.  ADIL, most things are beyond
strange.  You never know what she will take as an offense. You just can no longer "BE".  You have to go into the woodwork
and pretend you're a piece of wallpaper. 

I'm reading Boundaries....paying a counselor (PAYING A COUNSELOR) to try to understand how to walk through the
eggshells without breaking any of them.  Lord forbid I break any, I'd get fined or kicked out.   

It's a book by this Dr. Whitfield, I think....you learn how to not allow someone to enter your space.  The DILs have all
read the book.  They know boundaries. They probably worked with the Dr. to write it.  I don't know.

If you apologize for making her feel inadequate, something else will pop up that you have supposedly done.  What she
is doing is called: control.   She is trying to control you by keeping you off balance, never knowing what to do...so you
keep apologizing. 

That's it in a nutshell.  She'll think of more, though.


cocobars

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Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
« Reply #2 on: April 06, 2010, 04:51:33 PM »
Hi Blau!

I agree with Chickie.  Get the book.  It sounds wonderful and sometimes necessary.  I believe sometimes boundaries are necessary too, and can show us a new strength of character (or self-esteem).

No, I have not apologised for something I haven't done.  Not with a straight face. I learned my boundaries too, and one of them is NOT to disrespect myself by saying something that isn't true.  I don't tolerate people who lie and I don't lie.  By apologising for something I didn't do, I would feel I was lying and the end result is low self esteem in my opinion.  That's how I feel...

I do.  Sending you hugs...

momX3

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Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
« Reply #3 on: April 06, 2010, 08:09:33 PM »
Blau,

I believe we all have apologized at one time or another, just to "keep peace" (sometimes without realizing we were literally making the apology).

I am not one that likes to apologize when I do not feel it is anything that I did wrong.....but to keep my son, I have made many concessions to"keep peace."   I made up my mind that I did not want to lose my son, so many times, I have looked the other way and bit my tongue, just so I did not do anything to upset DIL.
Guess you could call it "making a choice to keep my son."

Chickiebaby describes it best with her description of BDIL and ADIL.  That is so, so true.

One thing you know in your heart, your son did not agree with DIL on this issue. He came to brunch with GD and to spend some time with you and his Grandfather.  That tells you a lot about how he is feeling. If he continues to share GD with you, maybe DIL will wake up and admit she is wrong.  She is the one missing out...... however, since she is the DIL, she is the one who is holding the deck of cards, she will control the game, and call the shots.

Hopefully, things will improve here soon.  Sending positive thoughts your way.


 

 

 

momX3

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Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
« Reply #4 on: April 06, 2010, 08:55:13 PM »
Chickiebaby,

LOL...........Your post is right on.    :)

Your analogy of BDIL and ADIL is so true. We are "kept off-balance"........ so we never know what we did or said to create the rifts that occur.

You should consider publishing your own book on " DIL Survival Tips."  Your wit and perception would make it a best seller.  I am serious.  I am placing my order for the first copy.  ;)

 

2chickiebaby

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Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
« Reply #5 on: April 07, 2010, 03:32:48 AM »
That's a good idea, Mom3 but I'm really afraid of the DIL police.  Can you imagine the reviews?   

cremebrulee

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Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
« Reply #6 on: April 07, 2010, 05:51:43 AM »
Have you ever apologized just to keep peace? 

My DIL did not show up at our Easter brunch because I won't apologize to her because (her words) ‘she felt inadequate as a mother’ when I was playing with my 15 month old GD at my step GS's basketball game 2 months ago.  She also wouldn't let (the same) 10 year old son come to the brunch and told my DS that she didn't want my GD to ever see me again.  For the first time my son defied her and brought my GD to the brunch with me and my father (the only relatives my DS has locally) and the first time I have seen my DS and GD since that basketball game.

I don't understand what she has against me, as before her pregnancy with my GD she was friendly with me and allowed me to do anything with her son. Now I'm not suppose to be his GM (I have been his GM since he was 15 months old) and we have bonded over the years. I am also not allowed to attend his little league games either because she doesn’t want me seeing my GD.  I’m afraid she will pull a scene if I show up.

I am at a loss and I refuse to apologize for such an idiotic reason…esp since this is the third time she thinks I owe her an apology for something so lame.  For my DS’s sake I made up to her twice before.  Now I feel she owes me the apology for (meanly) coming between me and my DS and GD.

Hello and welcome,
Yes, indeed, I have apologized for things that I didn't do...and I've also said, that I'm very sorry that this whole thing has happened...and that was the truth...however, all through life, there were many times I apologized even when I didn't think I did anything wrong...and to my DIL and Son...why, b/c being friends with them, was more important then being right...and, it wasn't worth the 12 years I hardly saw them...so much lost time?  For what?  I decided that most of this stuff was terribly heartbreaking and silly...just plain silly...

I've also realized, even though I thought I didn't do anything to hurt my DIL, that I did...and she was hurt, and angry, then retaliated...and/or put up a wall...the same as I did, and by not discussing this with her from the very beginning, escalated things beyond hurt...beyond the norm....our perceptions of each other were so totally off and wrong, however, it was the way we took things...perceived each others actions, everything that happened from that point on, we both thought was meant as a personal attack against each other...

I can't say the same for your situation, or what you should do...my post is based on what worked for me, and how I view things...

To me, keeping the peace, puts peace in my heart, and also erased the dark cloud that followed me around for all those years...it just isn't worth it to me....plus, I cannot imagine the weight that has been lifted from DIL and son, and now I will get to see not only them, but my GD as well...carrying a grudge to me, was wrong....and not talking to her a long long time ago was wrong...however, if I'd have talked to her then, I'm afraid I would have been accussing and confrontational...it's all in the way you address them....in a letter or in person....Luise taught me that...I've read her and watched her and really was taken back by her patience and understanding, her kindness...and learned that perhaps if I'd change my attitude, there would be hope....and there was....

Thank you Luise!  With all my heart....

Creme

« Last Edit: April 07, 2010, 05:57:27 AM by cremebrulee »

2chickiebaby

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Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
« Reply #7 on: April 07, 2010, 06:21:34 AM »
That's wonderful, Creme.  I'm so happy for you.   :)

I wanted to say that my High School friend's sister did the same thing...she apologized again and again.  Her DIL was
offended that she looked at her "funny" when she was introducing her to a friend.
« Last Edit: April 07, 2010, 06:27:09 AM by 2chickiebaby »

cocobars

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Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
« Reply #8 on: April 07, 2010, 09:08:57 AM »
I guess I'm a little strange then because I just don't.  It's not a stubborn thing or a need to be right, but just an integrity that I hold myself to and it seems everyone in my family (and friends here) knows and respects that part of who I am.  It seems when someone wants honesty, they come to me and I like knowing that people know this about me.  I don't offer my opinions and am very good at keeping my mouth shut, but if someone wants my opinion they know I will be honest, and that I don't expect them to take my own opinion and go with it.  It comes from my own perspective or view, which realistically doesn't always include both sides of their situations.  Hearing only one side of a story may give me one perception, but knowing both sides of a situation may change that perception. 

I have apologised for other's thinking I meant something I didn't, and clarified.  I don't consider that lying, because my words may have been taken in a way they weren't meant or I may have misstated myself.  But I don't believe I have ever apologized for something I don't believe I did or meant to say if it was how I felt.  I guess if you inlcude apologizing for miscommunication then I could say yes I have too.  It seems to all be how you look at it.  I try to keep my views positive and my mind open as much as possible to that I can understand someone else better.  To me, communication is a never ending effort.  I believe I will be learning and trying until I leave here, and beyond.  And I've found that usually the key for me is understanding someone, which involves allot of questions.

I haven't had alot of the problems with my DIL that most of the women here have.  I can only think that possibly I am very lucky to have her, or that she is just as willing as I am to work together and respect eachother.  Either way, we are still working together even with their separation.  I'm not sure how I would react if she wouldn't let me see my GC.  I suppose I wold leave her alone - sooner or later she will need something bad enough to want that relationship to work.  I guess that's how I would feel, but without knowing, it's just a guess..


michelledona

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Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
« Reply #9 on: April 07, 2010, 09:31:25 AM »
The best thing you can do is say, "I'm so sorry you felt that way" and know that you are not saying sorry because you did something wrong but that you are saying sorry bc DIL felt a certain way. Separate yourself from it, and just say it as if you are saying sorry that it is raining outside. Whatever you have to do to keep the peace because if you don't apologize in some way, it will affect your relationship with your GD- just swallow your pride for her...   

willingtohelp

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Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
« Reply #10 on: April 07, 2010, 11:18:58 AM »
Michelle, any DIL who frequents the "mil hate sites" would recognize that as a non-apology, that is, one that puts the blame on the offended party (you heard it wrong, you got offended, you took it that way) instead of on the offender.  I'm sorry you took it that way puts the blame on the other person.  I'm sorry I misspoke puts the blame on yourself.  I think all the semantics can make a person's head spin, but it's talked about over and over.  To me the only thing that matters when someone apologizes is sincerity.  If it isn't sincere, then don't do it.

2chickiebaby

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Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
« Reply #11 on: April 07, 2010, 12:35:32 PM »
Michelle, any DIL who frequents the "mil hate sites" would recognize that as a non-apology, that is, one that puts the blame on the offended party (you heard it wrong, you got offended, you took it that way) instead of on the offender.  I'm sorry you took it that way puts the blame on the other person.  I'm sorry I misspoke puts the blame on yourself.  I think all the semantics can make a person's head spin, but it's talked about over and over.  To me the only thing that matters when someone apologizes is sincerity.  If it isn't sincere, then don't do it.

I have a once best friend who is a Psychologist...I knew her before she became one.  She uses the term: "I'm sorry you feel
that way".  I'm not one of her patients so it seems like an insult to me coming from her. She's the only person who uses
that term so I think she learned it at school.  It's tedious being with her anymore. 

cocobars

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Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
« Reply #12 on: April 07, 2010, 12:48:09 PM »
HAHA!   Is that the one who can't watch comedies, Chickie?  This is sad in a way...

2chickiebaby

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Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
« Reply #13 on: April 07, 2010, 12:52:42 PM »
HAHA!   Is that the one who can't watch comedies, Chickie?  This is sad in a way...
[
quote]

That's the very one, Coco.  A comedy to her is not funny. She simply can't relate at all.  It was during the movie "Vacation" that  she tipped her hand to me.  She just didn't understand how Chevy Chase could have driven while asleep and ended up at the motel. 

Just went right over her head.  Poor thing.....all she knows, she learned from a book.  My husband can't understand how we
could ever have been friends.  I tried to help her.  Lord!!

cocobars

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Re: Have you ever apologized just to keep peace?
« Reply #14 on: April 07, 2010, 01:00:47 PM »
That's hilarious!  I have to be really "pissed" at someone before I say "I'm sorry you feel that way..."

The last time I said it, my son was silently cracking up behind their back.  Of course, I had to face them and see all that action.  It was so hard to keep a straight face, but I did.  He knew that I would say that when I was pissed, to get away from someone.  I always felt it was sort of a back-door insult too!  I guess it's kind of like goodbye for me.   It just never sits right with me, and I agree with Clover.  You have to say, at some point, why apologise?  It's not really an apology...

« Last Edit: April 07, 2010, 01:05:15 PM by coco »