July 22, 2019, 08:43:36 pm


"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

Christmas at FILS(?)

Started by Kate123, December 24, 2011, 08:58:20 am

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.


I posted earlier about Thanksgiving at my FILs(future in laws). Every year it's the same, we have to go visit them, they won't go visits others, like so many it seems. I told my BF that I was tired of having to always go somewhere else for the Holidays and I would like to have people visit us once in awhile. But I gave in and went for Thanksgiving, and as I mentioned it was weird and I thought it was about me, maybe for putting up a fuss. As it turned out the FILs are having marital problems and are talking divorce. Now the BF says we have to go there for Christmas day too bc it is a family emergency and the ACs want to have a sit down talk with the parents. They either want them to stay together or at least have an amicable(?) divorce. I said that this is something that should be done on some other day, not Christmas. But once again Christmas will be at their house and we will have to travel, what I say or want does not seem to matter. My friends say I should be glad bc I don't have to do all the cooking. But I would like just once for everyone to come to my house- ACs, FILs, the whole shibang- that is my dream, but not my reality unfortunately. Anyway I think I may not go tomorrow since the plan is to work on the family problem and I think they will not feel at ease with me there. Beside I am a bit afraid there will be a blowout because the father is very very angry over the situation. Do you ladies think I should go or have a peaceful day at home? (question has a bit of a slant to it doesn't it? Ha)


Hi Kate-
I would stay home and let them sort it out.  There is probably some significance to the fact that this could be the last Christmas together for that family. 
When are you planning to marry?  Maybe you could invite everyone to your home next year - sending out invites early in the year.


I would ask my sweetie if he wants me there as moral support for him, or if he would prefer to handle it himself.  It's not going to be a standard, "happy" christmas either way for you, but if he wants you there and you go it will make him feel loved.  I realize you don't feel especially loved right now because you feel like your wishes don't matter, and that absolutely needs to be addressed.  Just maybe not this weekend, if that makes sense.  I'm pretty sure your DF doesn't have room in his head for that right this second and you might be doing him a kindness by not making this about you in any way.
This too shall pass.  All is well.


I know I wouldn't go. It isn't your issue and you are not part of the biological clan. The rest of my thoughts are around the FILs problems. They are for them to solve. It isn't a family issue, IMO. AC or DP (dependent children) seldom want their parents to divorce or even separate. That's not the point. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


I don't see marriage for us, at least not for now, because there are problems in the relationship and financial issues. My divorce with my X was a financial disaster and five years fighting with lawyers to sort it out. Men build their careers and retirement while many women stay home with the children, then when it comes to divorce women are left with little or no security in retirement -including the amount ot social security you end up with. So I am very scared of getting into that mess again and ending up even worse off then I am now. I would like to take the BFs mother aside and warn her of all she will loose, things I am sure she has not considered. But it probably is not a good idea to get in the middle. The BFs father is very verbally abusive and I guess she can't take it anymore, but she does not work and I can't see how she will be able to make it on her own. In addition the AC are already mad at her for wanting a divorce, one is not speaking to her because of it and soon she may end up here looking for support.

I think it would have been best to forgo the Christmas dinner, but like Doe said, it may be the last one as a family. Very sad thing to happen this time of year. I do want to be supportive to them (DM mostly). But I think this should be between the parents, as Luise said. Initially my BF said he was staying out of it but then had the idea that a family conference should take place on Christmas Day. I know I should not be thinking of me, especially since this is not the usual, however marital problems do not evolve overnight and will not be resolved tomorrow.


Abuse is abuse. I don't think there is any place for it in our lives. Just my take. There is no security there.

I am alone, 84 years old, living in low-income housing and my husband, age 100, is on Welfare in our nursing home because it costs $6,300. a MONTH. There are all levels of "security" and the inner one is the best. Sending love to all of you...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Yes Luise you are right, that is why I am on her side. I would just like to help her so she gets what she is entitled to because from my experience women really loose alot more financially in divorce. And once again, as often happens, the kids are siding with the father. They say "he's not so bad", but I have witnessed his verbal abuse and it is bad. I think one of the son's should have put him in his place a long time ago, and the mother should have been out the door twenty years ago.


I, too, veto your having to go to the family Christmas.  It would be hard to hear the family blaming the mother for wanting out.

Is there anyone in the family or friends of the dm who could steer her toward getting the legal and financial help she should be entitled to?  You are well aware of the disaster that can accompany a divorce and she does need help; someone needs to get her in touch w help if she hasn't gotten it for herself; i don't know if you want to or can do this, but someone needs to.

It's good of you to care for the dm and you are right to have things straightened out before contemplating marrying again.  Smart lady!