Author Topic: Need help with something/all input is needed  (Read 2619 times)

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2chickiebaby

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Need help with something/all input is needed
« on: March 29, 2010, 12:39:41 PM »
Our son, the one who is married to the wealthy woman, has a difficult time looking at me or being alone with me.  It is
like he's terrified that I might ask him something, like: "what is wrong with you?"

He has distanced himself from his brother and from us.  When I was in the hospital, he called his Dad on his Dad's cell
phone, never talking to me.  It's like he got alone and called.  When they came over 2 days after I got out, he came in first. 
She and the kids came later (9 in the evening).  He was terrified to look at me!!

I think I know the answer to this but I was wondering if anyone could help me understand what is going on.  I know
he feels guilt ridden but how can I overcome this and understand?  It hurts so much!!  I know that it has devastated
his brother.  His brother told me on the phone lately, "I don't care what they think or what they do"  (he never talks
about them at all....I had mentioned something about them to him and that was his comment back to me, that he
didn't care what they did or didn't do. 

How can I deal with this?  If she does this to us, does she do this to others?

cocobars

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Re: Need help with something/all input is needed
« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2010, 01:38:31 PM »
Hi Chickie!

My guess (and it's just a guess) is that they do this to everyone, and not just you.  I'm wondering if DS is not being treated the same way by her in his own home.  Someone that is that scared to even talk (and I'm just speaking from my own experience) can have alot of things going on at home, and it's hard to tell what goes on behind closed doors.  There are just so many possibilities.  When people feel superior to other people, I believe they are like that with family also, and I can remember a man I dated for a few months about a year and a half ago.  He was the head of a division of homeland security here and had lots of money.  Picked me up in a Porsche, took me to plays, dinner theatres, bought me a complete wardrobe for his house.  He wanted me to move in so he kept asking sizes and before I knew it his house included every I needed without packing anything.  Then he started pressuring me to move in.  He wouldn't take no for an answer and I finally had to break things off.  But he was wealthy and my little brothers wife told me I should hang onto him because of his money.  The thing was, he was "superior."  He talked about his neighbors, his son's wives, everyone.  He was forceful about me moving in with him, and when I would explain to him that I couldn't move out and live with him, he came up with excuses for everything I told him.  He didn't want me to have anything to do with my parents, my kids and I could even see that he didn't like my dog.   He lived in a mansion with a huge pool in the back yard, exercise room, jacuzzi, - I'm sure you can see where I'm headed.  He was trying to buy me away from my family, but I could see how superior he felt toward my family.  When I finally called things off, he asked that I give him back gifts he had brought me (which I was only too glad to return by then).  I believe he thought that I would break down at the thought of returning them, but I didn't (diamond necklaces that he had insured, a gold watch,...) He tried to give me 20,000 to pay off my car, but I refused to take it - thank God.  Boy would that have been hard to pay back.

Anyway, this is what I'm try to say may be the problem.  Some people who have this superior view of themselves believe they should have everything their way and don't really put a value on people.  Money is it, and since they already have this money, they will use it to control other people around them with it.  This man was an expert, and I'm assuming that since your DIL's family has money, this may be their lifestyle.  The friends they have are controlled.  I'm not saying this is right.  Just that this is my own experience with this man here.  If I had gotten involved with him to the point of moving in, I believe I would be in a marriage now that would have me fearful too.  Some people just use things, money and even children like that to control others.  Your son may be experiencing some sort of blackmail, but I don't know.  He may never tell you.

Chickie, this is just so hard to guess at.  I hope you get other replies, because I'm not sure my experiences are good enough to make guesses with here.

What were you thinking the problem was?  Can you write it down so we can all brainstorm? 

Also I think Luise would be better at this one.  My opinion is tainted.

2chickiebaby

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Re: Need help with something/all input is needed
« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2010, 01:44:13 PM »
Thank you, Coco....I think you might be right.  I was thinking he is so guilt ridden that he can't look at me.  He knows he
is doing us wrong so it's hard for him to look at it.  He has to obey at all cost.

How in the world did I raise someone like this???

cocobars

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Re: Need help with something/all input is needed
« Reply #3 on: March 29, 2010, 01:53:16 PM »
Correction, as far as blackmail goes, I believe your son may have borrowed money from her family (like that man offering me money to pay off a car loan so I could be debt free).  The man I saw gave money out like it was candy.  His sons owed him in excess of 100,000 each (he had two sons).  I believe he could have walked up and said "leave your wife," and his sons would have done it.  That's the kind of control he had.  Everyone around him owed him...

That's what some wealthy people do.  Not all of them, but some.  If you suspect this is going on, don't hold it against your DS.  He may be emotionally blackmailed by DIL and/or her family. 

And Chickie - I don't think it's how you raised him.  I think he may have gotten pulled into it and by the time he was married to her and had children, it was too late to get out.  She could even be threatening that he may never see his children again.  I don't know.  This is all just guessing and I hope you know that.

2chickiebaby

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Re: Need help with something/all input is needed
« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2010, 02:09:51 PM »
her family just poured out money to them when they married.....but she is the most controlling person ever to live on
this planet.  I mean that!!!

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Need help with something/all input is needed
« Reply #5 on: March 29, 2010, 02:50:04 PM »
He knows the anguish he has caused you and I think (guessing) that on some level it breaks his heart. It's been what 17 years? So what are the chances it will change?

It is the way it is. No amount of heartbreak on your part is going to lessen it or resolve it. You can either let it go or let it wipe you out. No one can make that choice for you. It isn't even an intellectual choice. It's about accepting the unacceptable and going on by rising above it or it's about letting it take you down 9and possibly out) by being a victim.

I remind you again that I am speaking from my own experience.  I always hasten to add that. That's all any of us can do. Plus send love.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

2chickiebaby

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Re: Need help with something/all input is needed
« Reply #6 on: March 29, 2010, 02:57:06 PM »
I know you're right, Luise, I do....I'm in the "in between", wanting to go on and wanting to give
up.  It's a terrible place to be.....

RedRose

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Re: Need help with something/all input is needed
« Reply #7 on: March 29, 2010, 03:00:51 PM »
Hi Chicky,

I'm looking at this differently...

Maybe your son knows you are disappointed in him. Maybe he is embarrassed by the way his wife treats you. He must know that the way He treats you, your husband, and his brother's family is not right. He was raised very differently and maybe he doesn't like himself very much right now. Maybe he wants to talk to you but is afraid to? You have said nothing is said or done without his wife knowing about it. Are they always together?

I don't know how...but I think he needs to talk to you...alone.

Offline Pen

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Re: Need help with something/all input is needed
« Reply #8 on: March 29, 2010, 03:04:03 PM »
What a sad thing. It's a choice between being treated poorly or not seeing our sons! I never thought I'd be going through something like this either, Chickie. I know Luise is right, there's nothing we can do until they see it for themselves. Money blinds people, so that vision isn't likely in many cases. You've got to take care of yourself - you did get that "cosmic 2 X 4 upside the head" recently with your hospitalization, didn't you???

My DS rebeled at first but now seems to be accepting FIL"s "bribes." He's enjoying looking like he's really hot poo. We never remind him that if he hadn't had the luck (?) to marry into it he'd be another schlubby recent grad w/o a good job.

Chickie, I'm glad you aren't taking your DS's not looking at you personally - IOW, you know he's not looking at you because of something he's done, not because you did anything. You don't deserve this; you deserve to be respected and loved and treated with dignity and kindness!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Need help with something/all input is needed
« Reply #9 on: March 29, 2010, 03:04:49 PM »
Oh, Sweet Chickie...I know that place well. That's where I often am with Val. When I am at peace, is when I align with the perception that I am not supposed to understand. That's what acceptance is all about. It's about choosing not to bring about my own suffering by fighting "what is." I just go one day at a time.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

2chickiebaby

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Re: Need help with something/all input is needed
« Reply #10 on: March 29, 2010, 03:07:31 PM »
Thank you, Rose and Pen, it is so sad....I am in the in between.  I hate this place. 

Offline Pen

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Re: Need help with something/all input is needed
« Reply #11 on: March 29, 2010, 03:09:33 PM »
Right here with ya, Chickie and Luise.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

2chickiebaby

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Re: Need help with something/all input is needed
« Reply #12 on: March 29, 2010, 03:17:36 PM »
Luise, I can sure see how you would be in "the in between" with val..goodness, hard to be in it
and hard to think of life without him.  I would say the "in between" is a place where maybe the acceptance begins.  I hope so for my sake.  This has gone on so long that it has done me in.

This Dil of mine has come full circle. I practically raised her kids, through all their lives, all the while tending to my own business here.  It was hard but she needed it. I put my life on hold.

Now she doesn't need me.  Thrown out.  Just incredible.  Now to tell us that money is all that
matters.  She has her slave woman who moved to her street and is a slave to her. It's nuts. Really nuts.  The slave woman is really jealous of my DH and me. She'd just as soon we leave.

I think I am at the point to where I need this to end. Either good or bad. The "in between" is too hard.  All you mils out there, don't wait till you get where I am. Get lost now.  It will only get worse.

momX3

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Re: Need help with something/all input is needed
« Reply #13 on: March 30, 2010, 11:16:11 PM »
 Such good advice from everyone that posted.

Chickie......you raised two wonderful sons.  No matter what, they can never forget the memories you created for them.  He may be a husband to DIL, but he will always be your son. 

I think he is feeling a bit guilty and doesn't know how to fix the situation he is in with DIL's behavior.  There may be issues going on at home that he is not happy about, but he isn't going to tell you, as he doesn't want anyone to know the real DIL.  She doesn't seem like she would respect him or anyone else for that matter. Maybe DS is distancing himself  as a way to "cope" with a situation.

No matter what......he still has a conscience, a memory, and he has a heart. There is no way that he can totally forget everything what you and DH have done for him and DIL.
Someday, when it is just the two of you, maybe he will open up and share his thoughts and feelings. Is there ever an opportunity that he can stop over to see you alone or to meet you for lunch without DIL?

We all have gone to extremes to smooth over the hurts, but  it is the "Mom" in us...we never want to give up on a relationship with our children. 


My thoughts are there with you. 



cremebrulee

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Re: Need help with something/all input is needed
« Reply #14 on: March 31, 2010, 04:03:48 AM »
Quote
2chickiebaby
Our son, the one who is married to the wealthy woman, has a difficult time looking at me or being alone with me.  It is
like he's terrified that I might ask him something, like: "what is wrong with you?"

Hi Chickie, this is such a henous crime...so sad....I'm guessing, your son is embarrassed greatly, and that is why he can't look you in the eyes, and he probably, and I'm just guessing, not onlly fears you asking him questions about all this, but then, fears his wife doing the same thing...going back home with her and getting into a horrible argument...I don't know, I'm just guessing....people don't do things for one reason, but many, and I'm guessing, she is always on him about you....I really do hope and pray, he comes to terms with what is going on but quick...b/c no matter what, a son never stops loving his mother...he does love you Chickie...and unfortunately, that is what your DIL might fear the most...sad...I believe when a son marries, a DIL should understand the bonds between his mother and he, and encourage a good relationship...it's just all so sad and heartbreaking...I so wish, not one mother should have to endure this...

I don't know if I wrote this before, and if I did, please forgive my repetetive old brain, however, my counselor told me, when there are troubles between a MIL and DIL, for the son, it's like being in the middle of a love triangle, two women fighting over the same man, and for him, it's so hurtful...because it forces him to choose...it's so unfair and needless...

Chickie, I don't want to give you false hope, but want to share with you my thoughts...hope it's ok...I'm thinking the fact that he did come to see you, and couldn't look at you in the eyes, speaks volumns, that he does recognize your his mother and he feels badly about what is going on...you never know, maybe, just maybe this will be a wakeup call for him....men seem to move more slowly the women, but perhaps with time, he will come to his senses...I pray for that for you and all our sisters here....a mother's heart simply melts and forgives everything when she hears her child say, I'm sorry mom...and it could be so easy...it's so hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that our children, including DIL's just don't forget what has happened and move on with understanding and respect....

God bless you and yours chickie

I hope your feeling much better....

Love to you
Creme

« Last Edit: March 31, 2010, 04:11:12 AM by cremebrulee »